Ok, so now I am finally all caught up on my past blogs, so I feel that now I can take the time to get in-depth with all that has gone on...which has been a lot.
Right now, I am so stressed out. Remember that chair I was done with? Well, I am not totally done with it. I have to go back and change a few things...which I am really not happy about, but I will do it anyway. I can't wait to let the chair go...and with it all the crazy sewing projects that I will never do again.
I am trying to create some positive energy to outweigh the negativity of that chair...but I have not been successful thus far. It will come, and it will be ok. There is nothing I can do about it in this moment, so I am not going to worry about it. I just have to remember that whatever happens, this silly chair is not going to ruin my life. If it spontaneously combusts and my client is beyond livid, I will still come home to my kids who love me and my Ryan who loves me. The world will still turn, my life will still go on. It will not be the end of the world if it is not perfect.
Now I just have to remember all that...
And remember that I want to create things...I love building, I love crafting, I love creating...but I don't want to do it for anyone else. I want to do it for myself, in my own time line, for whomever I want to do it for. The closer January gets, the more excited about accounting I get...weird, right?
A quick update on Joker Kitty--she is doing well. It seems her lip is a lot better! I am debating continuing the meds, since it has become super difficult to get her to swallow the pills. I will see how it looks tomorrow. But all in all, she is looking great!!
It seems like Sora has put on a little weight, which is great! He is always so skinny, I like it when he bulks up a bit. It's probably because he has had close to a cup of treats a day....crazy little man!
I have this whole week off from TCS. My time with Jack has come to an end, and so has my time at the Rec Center. So now, TCS is my only job! (Not counting that silly chair....) It will be nice to have free time...especially since I need to finish getting ready for Christmas!!
Well, I think that is about all for now! Time to dream of Christmas and fun things!!
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Monday, December 20, 2010
Home Again, Home Again...
Wow..as usual, time flies.
We just got back from my brother's wedding, and it was fun, beautiful and amazing. We had a great time...and even got some relaxing in.
It feels good to be back home, in some ways. It really was nice to get away for a while, to leave everything behind and to not have to deal with work or such things...
But I did miss my kids very much, and so it is great to be back with them. I will write more on the wedding later, but I am going to start by trying to get caught up on all my blog posts...
Merry Christmas!! It is only 5 days away!!
Sunday, December 19, 2010
The Day After...
The day after "happily ever after," at least for my brother and his new *wife.* ;-)
It was a lovely day...we slept in, ate a late breakfast with Chad and Patrick, then met up with everyone to watch Scott and Vanessa open their presents. The only downfall of the day was that we did not get out to Joshua Tree, as we had hoped we would have time to do.
But it was great to spend some down time with family, and Ryan and I got to spend some time relaxing in the hot tub after we got back to our hotel...which was wonderful. Ryan jumped into the pools as well--but I thought that they were just a bit chilly...
As Scott and Vanessa start their journey as husband and wife...today being their first full day...I can't help but think of Bright Eye's This is the First Day of my Life....
It was a lovely day...we slept in, ate a late breakfast with Chad and Patrick, then met up with everyone to watch Scott and Vanessa open their presents. The only downfall of the day was that we did not get out to Joshua Tree, as we had hoped we would have time to do.
But it was great to spend some down time with family, and Ryan and I got to spend some time relaxing in the hot tub after we got back to our hotel...which was wonderful. Ryan jumped into the pools as well--but I thought that they were just a bit chilly...
As Scott and Vanessa start their journey as husband and wife...today being their first full day...I can't help but think of Bright Eye's This is the First Day of my Life....
Saturday, December 18, 2010
A Wedding...
Congratulations to Scott and Vanessa!! I can't believe that today is finally the day!!
As always, it seems like just yesterday you guys got engaged...only months ago you met...but in reality it has been years...
I wish you all many many blessing and a life filled with love and joy.
May no one know more happiness than you two!
As always, it seems like just yesterday you guys got engaged...only months ago you met...but in reality it has been years...
I wish you all many many blessing and a life filled with love and joy.
May no one know more happiness than you two!
Friday, December 17, 2010
California...Here We Come...
Today we leave for California!!
I am so excited...I can't wait for the whole weekend...especially the getting away part...
So...sleepy time, then airplane time!!
Yay!!
I am so excited...I can't wait for the whole weekend...especially the getting away part...
So...sleepy time, then airplane time!!
Yay!!
Thursday, December 16, 2010
So Much To Do...
I can't believe that tomorrow we leave for Cali...wow. Time flies...like a bat out of hell sometimes!!
I have so much to do...I am finishing up altering my dress, hemming Dianne's dress...picking up last minute everything that we need, and I still have to pack!!
So much to do...so little time, as always. But it will all be worth it when we get there!!
I have so much to do...I am finishing up altering my dress, hemming Dianne's dress...picking up last minute everything that we need, and I still have to pack!!
So much to do...so little time, as always. But it will all be worth it when we get there!!
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Done and Done...
I finished the chair today...and dropped it off!! I am so glad that it is out of my life...
When I am happy after everything is done and dropped off, I feel like I could do it again. Like it's all worth it to see the final product and to see how happy they are to get it back.
But, I have to remember that it's really not. Totally not.
I need every shred of my sanity that I have left...and I am not wasting it on other people...
;-)
When I am happy after everything is done and dropped off, I feel like I could do it again. Like it's all worth it to see the final product and to see how happy they are to get it back.
But, I have to remember that it's really not. Totally not.
I need every shred of my sanity that I have left...and I am not wasting it on other people...
;-)
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
I Can't Do This...
I just can't.
I can't do this anymore.
My head, my heart, my soul...are all bound when I try to do this sort of thing for work. I feel empty, drained, .lifeless.
I can't do this anymore. I want a better life for myself...
I love doing this sort of thing...but I want to do it for me...not for anyone else.
I just have to learn to say no...
NO.
No more.
Sorry.
I can't do this anymore.
My head, my heart, my soul...are all bound when I try to do this sort of thing for work. I feel empty, drained, .lifeless.
I can't do this anymore. I want a better life for myself...
I love doing this sort of thing...but I want to do it for me...not for anyone else.
I just have to learn to say no...
NO.
No more.
Sorry.
Monday, December 13, 2010
I Remember Now...
...why I can't do this anymore.
I remember why I gave up this line of work...it is all so clear now...
I remember the long nights, the endless hours, the countless questions and unending doubts...
I remember the ego blows and dwindling self-esteem...
I remember why I had to leave...
And why I have to stay away.
I remember why I gave up this line of work...it is all so clear now...
I remember the long nights, the endless hours, the countless questions and unending doubts...
I remember the ego blows and dwindling self-esteem...
I remember why I had to leave...
And why I have to stay away.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
This Week...
This week is going to be another crazy one. I have to finish re-upholstering a chair on top of work and prepping everything for the wedding.
I hate it when I do this to myself. I might *sometimes* have a tendency to overload myself with work...say yes to too many things...then end up working too much. But only sometimes...maybe.
So, whatever happens--I know that time marches on. So if one day is terrible, the next day is still on its way, and it can be better than the last!
All I can do is cross my fingers, and hope that this week isn't too trying...
I hate it when I do this to myself. I might *sometimes* have a tendency to overload myself with work...say yes to too many things...then end up working too much. But only sometimes...maybe.
So, whatever happens--I know that time marches on. So if one day is terrible, the next day is still on its way, and it can be better than the last!
All I can do is cross my fingers, and hope that this week isn't too trying...
Saturday, December 11, 2010
One Week...
Only one week until the wedding!!! I can't wait!!
That's really all I can think about today...it is going to be so much fun!!
That's really all I can think about today...it is going to be so much fun!!
Friday, December 10, 2010
Night Off...
It is nice to have a Friday night off. Lately I have been working a lot of Friday nights--I traded tonight for another night, and it is lovely to get to spend quiet time with Ryan instead of a quiet night at TCS...
Someday, I will have a job where I have evenings off...where I can be home every night, and every weekend....someday...
Someday, I will have a job where I have evenings off...where I can be home every night, and every weekend....someday...
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Apologies...
Wow...I can't believe it's been 2 weeks since I have really added a new post. I have several in the works, but haven't had the time or energy to complete them.
Explanation: this time of year--though I LOVE Christmas, is not easy for me. I suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder, as some of you already know, and the past week especially has been not so great.
But, I am working on getting posts up for the last 2 weeks. Thank you all for your patience and support.
Happy Holidays!!
Explanation: this time of year--though I LOVE Christmas, is not easy for me. I suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder, as some of you already know, and the past week especially has been not so great.
But, I am working on getting posts up for the last 2 weeks. Thank you all for your patience and support.
Happy Holidays!!
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
my god micah...
Tonight we got to watch our friends' band , my god micah, play at the Larimer Lounge...it was quite fun!
If you haven't heard them, or of them--you need to give them a listen. They have amazing original music...and they are awesome live.
I might be slightly biased, simply because Ryan and I first started hanging out again back in January...the reason: my god micah. Ryan invited me to their first show. And every show since.
But all biases aside, these guys are amazing. Catch their next live show in Denver--you won't regret it!
If you haven't heard them, or of them--you need to give them a listen. They have amazing original music...and they are awesome live.
I might be slightly biased, simply because Ryan and I first started hanging out again back in January...the reason: my god micah. Ryan invited me to their first show. And every show since.
But all biases aside, these guys are amazing. Catch their next live show in Denver--you won't regret it!
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Joker Kitty...
I am feeling a little better today...still trying to keep myself from falling back into the sad state I was in yesterday...but doing better nonetheless.
It helps to have something else to focus on, and today I have Kairi to take care of. I feel so badly for her--she had an infected lip right now. I don't know what causes it...but imagine what having the lips of the Dark Night's Joker on a cat would look like...that's what Kai's left lip looks like. I know you are probably giggling at the thought...but my poor baby is hurt!!
So I spent my free time between work calling the vet to get the right medicine all ready for her, and then after work this afternoon I drove the 40 minutes to get them. I just wish that it would make her better right away...I feel so terrible every time I see her poor swollen lip...
Don't worry, of course it seems that she has no idea she is injured. Which means she will *love* swallowing the pills...or not...
I'll keep you posted on how she is doing, because that is what crazy cat moms do. :-)
It helps to have something else to focus on, and today I have Kairi to take care of. I feel so badly for her--she had an infected lip right now. I don't know what causes it...but imagine what having the lips of the Dark Night's Joker on a cat would look like...that's what Kai's left lip looks like. I know you are probably giggling at the thought...but my poor baby is hurt!!
So I spent my free time between work calling the vet to get the right medicine all ready for her, and then after work this afternoon I drove the 40 minutes to get them. I just wish that it would make her better right away...I feel so terrible every time I see her poor swollen lip...
Don't worry, of course it seems that she has no idea she is injured. Which means she will *love* swallowing the pills...or not...
I'll keep you posted on how she is doing, because that is what crazy cat moms do. :-)
Monday, December 6, 2010
Hitting the Wall...
A very dark, very hard wall.
Someplace very alone...separate from the rest of the world...where no one can touch me.
There are days I live here...alone, untouched. Not because no one reaches out...but just because I can't feel them.
Someplace very alone...separate from the rest of the world...where no one can touch me.
There are days I live here...alone, untouched. Not because no one reaches out...but just because I can't feel them.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
There are Good Times...and Bad Times...
It gets difficult...some days.
Out of nowhere, the depression will hit me...and I won't even know it. All I know is I want to be alone...because I am better off alone.
It feels so dark, so empty...and I feel sad--very sad, but I don't feel like I deserve more.
No more than the emptiness and loneliness.
There are bad times...
Out of nowhere, the depression will hit me...and I won't even know it. All I know is I want to be alone...because I am better off alone.
It feels so dark, so empty...and I feel sad--very sad, but I don't feel like I deserve more.
No more than the emptiness and loneliness.
There are bad times...
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Positive Feedback...
Today was a pretty great day at work. I got to help with a Gift Wrap and Bow Demonstration (which is my favorite part of working on the weekends right now), and then I had my 60-day review...which was 30 days late. (Which means, yes all you math wizards are correct--I have been at TCS for 90 days!!)
My review went really well. Turns out they like me a lot, and enjoy having me on the team. They would like me to step up as more of a leader...which I am not opposed to doing, I just am hoping that I am really ready to go back to that.
It was really great to get good feedback...I love my job, and I am glad they love me back.
Yay TCS!!
My review went really well. Turns out they like me a lot, and enjoy having me on the team. They would like me to step up as more of a leader...which I am not opposed to doing, I just am hoping that I am really ready to go back to that.
It was really great to get good feedback...I love my job, and I am glad they love me back.
Yay TCS!!
Friday, December 3, 2010
Christmastime is here!!!
We are in full holiday mode at TCS, so I get to hear holiday music ALL THE TIME at work...and I love it!!
I love listening to all the Christmas carols, imagining the perfect holiday evening...
Driving around looking at Christmas lights, then skating on an outdoor rink all decked out in Christmas lights...then walking around in the fresh snow and building a snowman...then retiring by the fire next to the Christmas tree and snuggling under a blanket watching Christmas movies...
Sigh.
I love Christmastime. Everyone is so nice and cheerful, there is an air of giving...everyone thinking of their loved ones and making them happy...thinking how they can bring joy into someone else's life...
I love it. So very much.
I love listening to all the Christmas carols, imagining the perfect holiday evening...
Driving around looking at Christmas lights, then skating on an outdoor rink all decked out in Christmas lights...then walking around in the fresh snow and building a snowman...then retiring by the fire next to the Christmas tree and snuggling under a blanket watching Christmas movies...
Sigh.
I love Christmastime. Everyone is so nice and cheerful, there is an air of giving...everyone thinking of their loved ones and making them happy...thinking how they can bring joy into someone else's life...
I love it. So very much.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Stitch by Stitch...
Little by little, I am getting everyone's Christmas gifts done. My crochet a day is really helpful in getting everything ready in time!
I find it funny...that I can turn a skein of yarn into a hat...with just a few hours and some twists of the wrist. It's great fun to watch everything take form...little by little.
It reminds me that life is sometimes the same way. It takes time...and everything is made stitch by stitch, little by little. Not everything comes easily--sometimes trying to follow the pattern is difficult...and sometimes you change the pattern to better suit you. But oftentimes, it takes time to see the form of what you are actually making...
Little by little...stitch by stitch.
I am making a better life than before.
I find it funny...that I can turn a skein of yarn into a hat...with just a few hours and some twists of the wrist. It's great fun to watch everything take form...little by little.
It reminds me that life is sometimes the same way. It takes time...and everything is made stitch by stitch, little by little. Not everything comes easily--sometimes trying to follow the pattern is difficult...and sometimes you change the pattern to better suit you. But oftentimes, it takes time to see the form of what you are actually making...
Little by little...stitch by stitch.
I am making a better life than before.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
IT'S DECEMBER!!!!
Just hear those sleigh bells jingling ring-ting-tingling tune....come on its lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you!!
Walking in a Winter Wonderland!!!
Up on the rooftop reindeer paws, down through the chimney with Santa Claus!!
Oh come O ye faithful, joyful and triumphant!!
I love Christmas carols...I do. I am so excited that it is December!! Yes, I hate the cold--and YES I hate driving in the snow...but I LOVE the Christmas season. It is my favorite winter holiday and quite possibly the only reason I survive the winters.
I am definitely looking forward to this month...Ryan and I get to go to California for my brother's wedding in just a few short weeks, Christmas is almost here, and I get to spend lots of time with my family and friends.
Yay December!! Yay Christmastime!! I am SO glad you're here!!
Walking in a Winter Wonderland!!!
Up on the rooftop reindeer paws, down through the chimney with Santa Claus!!
Oh come O ye faithful, joyful and triumphant!!
I love Christmas carols...I do. I am so excited that it is December!! Yes, I hate the cold--and YES I hate driving in the snow...but I LOVE the Christmas season. It is my favorite winter holiday and quite possibly the only reason I survive the winters.
I am definitely looking forward to this month...Ryan and I get to go to California for my brother's wedding in just a few short weeks, Christmas is almost here, and I get to spend lots of time with my family and friends.
Yay December!! Yay Christmastime!! I am SO glad you're here!!
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Countdown...
Tomorrow is December...and so not only am I counting down to Christmas, but I am also counting down to my brother's wedding on the 18th! I am so excited and happy for Scott and Vanessa!! I can't wait to be a part of their big day!!
Monday, November 29, 2010
A Crochet A day...
Keeps the crazy at bay...at least in my mind.
I am still trying to crochet at least a little bit every day. I have found that taking the time to create--something that I want to do, without any deadlines or time lines--helps keep me calm, and content.
While I am busy crocheting Christmas presents at the moment, it is still very fun and very relaxing...I just enjoy thinking about everyone opening their presents on Christmas day!!
What do you do to keep your crazy at bay?
I am still trying to crochet at least a little bit every day. I have found that taking the time to create--something that I want to do, without any deadlines or time lines--helps keep me calm, and content.
While I am busy crocheting Christmas presents at the moment, it is still very fun and very relaxing...I just enjoy thinking about everyone opening their presents on Christmas day!!
What do you do to keep your crazy at bay?
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Brown Paper Packages Tied Up With String...
I love wrapping presents...that's just what I was thinking about today...I can't wait to wrap up everything so it looks just *so* pretty for Christmas morning!
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Black Saturday...
Another day at work...and still not too bad. I thought we might be way crazier, since it was the weekend...but nope.
I got to do more bow and wrapping demos, which I love to do! It is so much fun to help people learn to wrap gorgeous gifts...and now I get to wrap all of my family's gifts amazingly!! I can't wait!!
It is fun to be so surrounded with holiday cheer at work...the Christmas carols, stocking stuffers, Christmas wrap...it is all so festive!!
I am so excited that Christmastime is finally here!!
I got to do more bow and wrapping demos, which I love to do! It is so much fun to help people learn to wrap gorgeous gifts...and now I get to wrap all of my family's gifts amazingly!! I can't wait!!
It is fun to be so surrounded with holiday cheer at work...the Christmas carols, stocking stuffers, Christmas wrap...it is all so festive!!
I am so excited that Christmastime is finally here!!
Friday, November 26, 2010
Black Friday...
I worked today, and it was actually not nearly as bad as I thought it would be. Sure, we had a lot of people, but especially since TCS is not connected to the mall, we missed out on a lot of the crazy foot traffic.
So, though busy-a relatively calm day.
Not too bad for Black friday.
So, though busy-a relatively calm day.
Not too bad for Black friday.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Happy Thanksgiving!!!
I hope you all are having a wonderful Thanksgiving...my day has been spectacular.
I got to spend today with Ryan's family and my own family. It was full of love and laughter, family and friends...I have so much to be thankful for...
So, to keep this post short--I am going to list 26 things (since I am 26 years old) I am thankful for.
In no particular order:
I am thankful for:
My children and their love. They supported me through so much, and their love is unending.
My family--all their dysFUNction, and laughter, all their wisdom and joking...
My friends--I have the most amazing friends in the world...no doubt in my mind.
My Ryan--I have the best boyfriend in the world. He makes me laugh and think...and keeps me warm when it's super cold out.
My jobs. In this kind of economy, I am thankful that I have work--even if it's too much sometimes.
Having a place to live.
My health. I am so thankful that the pain I used to get in my wrist has subsided greatly.
Crochet...silly, but yes. It calms my mind and is a fun hobby.
A second chance to get it right...or at least closer to right. I am so glad to have another chance to make my life what it can be...crazy dreams and wonderful adventures...
And so much more...
The blessings never end, and I can't wait to see what the next year brings.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone!
I got to spend today with Ryan's family and my own family. It was full of love and laughter, family and friends...I have so much to be thankful for...
So, to keep this post short--I am going to list 26 things (since I am 26 years old) I am thankful for.
In no particular order:
I am thankful for:
My children and their love. They supported me through so much, and their love is unending.
My family--all their dysFUNction, and laughter, all their wisdom and joking...
My friends--I have the most amazing friends in the world...no doubt in my mind.
My Ryan--I have the best boyfriend in the world. He makes me laugh and think...and keeps me warm when it's super cold out.
My jobs. In this kind of economy, I am thankful that I have work--even if it's too much sometimes.
Having a place to live.
My health. I am so thankful that the pain I used to get in my wrist has subsided greatly.
Crochet...silly, but yes. It calms my mind and is a fun hobby.
A second chance to get it right...or at least closer to right. I am so glad to have another chance to make my life what it can be...crazy dreams and wonderful adventures...
And so much more...
The blessings never end, and I can't wait to see what the next year brings.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone!
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Long Days...
This has been a long couple days...yesterday I worked from 5-11AM and today I worked 5-9AM. Two 5AM days in a row is a little rough...I am definitely ready to sleep.
Today was a wonderful day nonetheless. I spent a good portion of it with my niece...coloring, watching cartoons, playing with Barbies...you know, all the important stuff. But I also got to spend some of it with Grandma.
A long, wonderful, tiring day.
But tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and a day off. :-)
I can't wait.
Today was a wonderful day nonetheless. I spent a good portion of it with my niece...coloring, watching cartoons, playing with Barbies...you know, all the important stuff. But I also got to spend some of it with Grandma.
A long, wonderful, tiring day.
But tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and a day off. :-)
I can't wait.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Grandma Top Ten...
Grandma is here!! So, I anticipate that my writing for the next week will be sparse, since I hope to be spending most of my time with Grandma.
I am so lucky to have such a wonderful Grandmother. And just for fun, here are the top ten most awesome things about my Grandma:
10. She loves Jack Daniels whiskey. There are some funny stories here (never one concerning drunkenness, but hilarious nonetheless)...and I know she always has some on hand at home.
9. She loves the desert almost as much as I do. We both love the heat, and so every time we talk, we discuss the weather in detail, and most of the time commiserate on how cold it is where we are...
8. She always wants me to steal the plants from the Tucson Mall for her. They have large bromeliads in very large pots, and every time we go there she tells me to grab one and she'll pull the car around. Sometimes I am not sure she is joking...
7. Her favorite color is green, followed closely by purple. She worked very hard when I was little to make sure I enjoyed green too (my favorite color was always purple), by sending me pictures of frogs, green plants, etc. So she instilled in me a love for the color green...
6. She regularly makes me go on midnight gardening recon missions with her. In her complex, the HOA is responsible for all the plants in the front yards. Well, sometimes there is a plant in another yard or community area that she wants...so we wait until it's well into the darkness of night, then we head out--her with a flashlight, me with a trowel and gloves, and we transfer whatever she wants to wherever she wants. I love these little adventures.
5. Her favorite shirt is from 1991...or 1995, I can't remember. But she thinks it's perfect, so I have been repairing little holes in it for the last two years. I plan to continue to repair it until it becomes all but dust, because she loves it so much.
4. She is so unique. I don't think I have ever heard the same story twice...and I know that she still has more to share. She loves everything from hummingbirds to elephants to cashews. She abhors mushrooms and long lines anywhere. And shoe shopping...she hates not finding the perfect shoe.
3. She is beyond giving. She shares what she has with who needs it...suitcases, time, her spare bedroom...everything.
2. She is hilarious. I know she doesn't always intend to be, but her laugh is contagious--and she has wonderful stories to share.
1. She is the strongest woman I know. She is stubborn, determined, caring and compassionate. I have never met anyone like her, and I am sure I never will. If I am lucky, someday I will be half the woman she has become.
My Grandma is amazing, and I love her oh so dearly!! And now, you know some reasons why.
I am so lucky to have such a wonderful Grandmother. And just for fun, here are the top ten most awesome things about my Grandma:
10. She loves Jack Daniels whiskey. There are some funny stories here (never one concerning drunkenness, but hilarious nonetheless)...and I know she always has some on hand at home.
9. She loves the desert almost as much as I do. We both love the heat, and so every time we talk, we discuss the weather in detail, and most of the time commiserate on how cold it is where we are...
8. She always wants me to steal the plants from the Tucson Mall for her. They have large bromeliads in very large pots, and every time we go there she tells me to grab one and she'll pull the car around. Sometimes I am not sure she is joking...
7. Her favorite color is green, followed closely by purple. She worked very hard when I was little to make sure I enjoyed green too (my favorite color was always purple), by sending me pictures of frogs, green plants, etc. So she instilled in me a love for the color green...
6. She regularly makes me go on midnight gardening recon missions with her. In her complex, the HOA is responsible for all the plants in the front yards. Well, sometimes there is a plant in another yard or community area that she wants...so we wait until it's well into the darkness of night, then we head out--her with a flashlight, me with a trowel and gloves, and we transfer whatever she wants to wherever she wants. I love these little adventures.
5. Her favorite shirt is from 1991...or 1995, I can't remember. But she thinks it's perfect, so I have been repairing little holes in it for the last two years. I plan to continue to repair it until it becomes all but dust, because she loves it so much.
4. She is so unique. I don't think I have ever heard the same story twice...and I know that she still has more to share. She loves everything from hummingbirds to elephants to cashews. She abhors mushrooms and long lines anywhere. And shoe shopping...she hates not finding the perfect shoe.
3. She is beyond giving. She shares what she has with who needs it...suitcases, time, her spare bedroom...everything.
2. She is hilarious. I know she doesn't always intend to be, but her laugh is contagious--and she has wonderful stories to share.
1. She is the strongest woman I know. She is stubborn, determined, caring and compassionate. I have never met anyone like her, and I am sure I never will. If I am lucky, someday I will be half the woman she has become.
My Grandma is amazing, and I love her oh so dearly!! And now, you know some reasons why.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Up, Up, and Away...
Today we had planned to go out climbing and hiking, but it was a much colder day than we had anticipated, so we stayed in and watched Up instead...excellent choice.
If you haven't seen that movie yet, you should. It is really a great movie...it is sad, just to warn you, but a great story line nonetheless.
It was funny--Ryan and I had both seen the movie before--not together, when we were both at different points in our lives. We joked about how the movie didn't seem as sad as the first time we saw it...at certain points we both were tearing up, jokingly asking each other, "Why are you crying??" "I'm not crying!!" "Well, your eyes are leaky then!!" And the like.
We agreed that the movie had much more meaning this time because when you know what it is like to love and be loved like that...it makes the story that much more touching...
We then tried to think of more movies we could watch that would turn us into blubbering blobs.
It was a great Sunday....
If you haven't seen that movie yet, you should. It is really a great movie...it is sad, just to warn you, but a great story line nonetheless.
It was funny--Ryan and I had both seen the movie before--not together, when we were both at different points in our lives. We joked about how the movie didn't seem as sad as the first time we saw it...at certain points we both were tearing up, jokingly asking each other, "Why are you crying??" "I'm not crying!!" "Well, your eyes are leaky then!!" And the like.
We agreed that the movie had much more meaning this time because when you know what it is like to love and be loved like that...it makes the story that much more touching...
We then tried to think of more movies we could watch that would turn us into blubbering blobs.
It was a great Sunday....
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Almost Holidays...
I am so excited...Thanksgiving is this week!!! Grandma comes to visit on Tuesday, and she will be here for a whole week!
I am so looking forward to this year's holidays. While last year's Thanksgiving was rough, I feel that this year is going to be wonderful...and it means we are about to start the Christmas season, which is spectacular, since Christmas is my favorite holiday.
We are so close...and I can't wait!!
I am so looking forward to this year's holidays. While last year's Thanksgiving was rough, I feel that this year is going to be wonderful...and it means we are about to start the Christmas season, which is spectacular, since Christmas is my favorite holiday.
We are so close...and I can't wait!!
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Quitting...
I am so happy to inform you all that I have officially quit my job at the rec center!! I sent in my letter of resignation, and my last day will be December 15th.
It feels good to finally be able to know when enough is enough, and to be able to walk away...I can only hope that I will remember this lesson in all aspects of my life.
I am looking forward to going back to school. I know that I am drastically changing my life path for the moment...but I am willing to see where this takes me.
So, here's to quitting when it's time! Many thanks to all who have provided support during this annoying and aggravating decision.
It feels good to finally be able to know when enough is enough, and to be able to walk away...I can only hope that I will remember this lesson in all aspects of my life.
I am looking forward to going back to school. I know that I am drastically changing my life path for the moment...but I am willing to see where this takes me.
So, here's to quitting when it's time! Many thanks to all who have provided support during this annoying and aggravating decision.
Friday, November 19, 2010
Great Stories...
I just finished watching a really great film, Mary and Max. I highly recommend it, especially if you love claymation as much as I do.
The film, while visually stunning (I often wish I could work as a sculptor for such films) provides a great story as well. But one thought has been running through my head since a certain scene in the film (I won't spoil it, but once you watch it you will know what I mean):
Great stories don't always have happy endings.
Stories that change us, that inspire us, that make us better...don't always have happy endings. There are stories--in movies, books and even life that make the world a better place, even though there is no happy "storybook" ending.
So, how do you know you are in a great story when there's no happy ending in sight? How do you know you are not just living in a bad story that you should change?
I don't know...but I am pretty sure I am living a great story...with an eventual happy ending.
The film, while visually stunning (I often wish I could work as a sculptor for such films) provides a great story as well. But one thought has been running through my head since a certain scene in the film (I won't spoil it, but once you watch it you will know what I mean):
Great stories don't always have happy endings.
Stories that change us, that inspire us, that make us better...don't always have happy endings. There are stories--in movies, books and even life that make the world a better place, even though there is no happy "storybook" ending.
So, how do you know you are in a great story when there's no happy ending in sight? How do you know you are not just living in a bad story that you should change?
I don't know...but I am pretty sure I am living a great story...with an eventual happy ending.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Moments...
Moments rendered,
Moments passed,
Of all those things
That will never last...
Memories are the past.
Of life and love,
Of love and laughter
There are always things
Which are much sadder.
Take them in
And hold them near...
To rise above the fear.
Thoughts winding
All unbinding.
Taking hold
Tighter still...
Of each moment,
Of each thrill.
Hold me longer still.
Darkness and shadows
Doubts and failures,
Building rust
On today's sculptures.
Pray each day
Is not eaten by vultures.
Moments lost,
Moments forgotten.
Moments stolen,
Moments denied.
Moments shared,
Moments spared.
Moments hidden,
Moments branded...
Never to be forsaken.
Moments passed,
Of all those things
That will never last...
Memories are the past.
Of life and love,
Of love and laughter
There are always things
Which are much sadder.
Take them in
And hold them near...
To rise above the fear.
Thoughts winding
All unbinding.
Taking hold
Tighter still...
Of each moment,
Of each thrill.
Hold me longer still.
Darkness and shadows
Doubts and failures,
Building rust
On today's sculptures.
Pray each day
Is not eaten by vultures.
Moments lost,
Moments forgotten.
Moments stolen,
Moments denied.
Moments shared,
Moments spared.
Moments hidden,
Moments branded...
Never to be forsaken.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Circling Back To Circles....
I have continued to ponder my thoughts on life as a circle. I began to think that if my life were a circle, then everyone else's must also be a circle.
Then what happens when we get close to each other--when we cross each others' paths? If we follow the laws of geometry, then there are two ways this could go:
1) The circles only touch at one point. It is only one moment, and then that moment passes and it is done.
2) The circles overlap, which means that they touch at two specific points.
I am trying to balance these thoughts with my thoughts on how these life circles really work, and here is a snapshot of how this is processing in my brain (this could get ugly):
circles
overlapping
falling away
layers
growing up
growing out
lines
crossing
somehow each circle grows into a new plane so that old circles fall away and don't necessarily interact with new ones...
but old circles still influence new ones
And then it's all pictures from there. Someday I will figure out how to draw all that is going on in my head...
Until then, I will have to keep pondering this circle thing.
Round and round it goes...
Then what happens when we get close to each other--when we cross each others' paths? If we follow the laws of geometry, then there are two ways this could go:
1) The circles only touch at one point. It is only one moment, and then that moment passes and it is done.
2) The circles overlap, which means that they touch at two specific points.
I am trying to balance these thoughts with my thoughts on how these life circles really work, and here is a snapshot of how this is processing in my brain (this could get ugly):
circles
overlapping
falling away
layers
growing up
growing out
lines
crossing
somehow each circle grows into a new plane so that old circles fall away and don't necessarily interact with new ones...
but old circles still influence new ones
And then it's all pictures from there. Someday I will figure out how to draw all that is going on in my head...
Until then, I will have to keep pondering this circle thing.
Round and round it goes...
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
School...
I have officially finished my application to go back to school!! Woohoo! I always knew I would go back sometime, and there's no time like the present, right?
After a good year or so of consideration, I have decided to go back to school for accounting.
I know, even I have had the thought of, "What the hell?"
But, when it comes down to it, here are the things I know about myself:
I have a tendency to be a workaholic.
I have a tendency to try to turn my hobbies into my job, and then I start to hate my hobbies because they are a job.
I want weekends off.
I want a job with benefits...real benefits--not just a coffee machine or free thread. Like real insurance benefits.
I want to be home in the evenings...I want to get to spend time with my kids and my Ryan.
My parents have tried to talk me into accounting for years...and so finally I listened. I figure, why not? I like numbers, I like math. And anything that I can work an 8-5 and get vacation time...sounds great.
So, hopefully in January I will start classes so I can get my CPA Certification by the end of 2011 or so. :-) I should only need 3 semesters at most, so I can be done one year from now. How nice would that be?
I still enjoy sewing...very much so. I still enjoy all the things I used to do for work...I just get to enjoy them more now since I don't have the added stress of timelines and deadlines.
I so still miss all the people I used to work with...and I am sure that won't be changing anytime soon...
So...here I go!! Once more into the breech!!
Learning is fun. :-)
After a good year or so of consideration, I have decided to go back to school for accounting.
I know, even I have had the thought of, "What the hell?"
But, when it comes down to it, here are the things I know about myself:
I have a tendency to be a workaholic.
I have a tendency to try to turn my hobbies into my job, and then I start to hate my hobbies because they are a job.
I want weekends off.
I want a job with benefits...real benefits--not just a coffee machine or free thread. Like real insurance benefits.
I want to be home in the evenings...I want to get to spend time with my kids and my Ryan.
My parents have tried to talk me into accounting for years...and so finally I listened. I figure, why not? I like numbers, I like math. And anything that I can work an 8-5 and get vacation time...sounds great.
So, hopefully in January I will start classes so I can get my CPA Certification by the end of 2011 or so. :-) I should only need 3 semesters at most, so I can be done one year from now. How nice would that be?
I still enjoy sewing...very much so. I still enjoy all the things I used to do for work...I just get to enjoy them more now since I don't have the added stress of timelines and deadlines.
I so still miss all the people I used to work with...and I am sure that won't be changing anytime soon...
So...here I go!! Once more into the breech!!
Learning is fun. :-)
Monday, November 15, 2010
Bad Night...
I am fighting...working on that whole forgiveness thing...it is not coming very easily....
I was just reminded of things that were stolen from me...
...a niece's laughter.
...fun with cousins.
...family.
...friends.
...there are so many people that used to be a part of my life that I miss so dearly, and I know I will never see them again...it's quite heartbreaking.
It is hard to forgive because he stole all of this from me.
I finally went through the other day and deleted a bunch of "friends" off of my facebook. There were so many "mutual friends" that I haven't heard from since the divorce...I finally realized that I just needed to let go, I needed a clean slate. There is no reason for those people to be able to sneak peak into my life whenever they want to, and there is no reason why I need to peak into their lives.
But somehow, there's always something to remind me...something more to bring the broken heart to the forefront...to remind me what all the heartbreak felt like.
There are moments it feels just as raw as it did almost 2 years ago...there are moments I can't believe it has been almost 2 years...and other moments it feels like it has been so much longer. I hate feeling that way again...like the pulses in my heart are misfiring, like each heartbeat squeezes an already raw heart...like my chest will explode from all the pain, leaving nothing but a stain on the wall...
I have to get it into my head that he will never care what he did to me. It makes no difference to him...he has no reason to care. He will never admit to his part in what went wrong...he will continue to lie and live a lie until the day he dies.
I have to get it into my head that he will never again admit to being abusive. He admitted it to me once, but I know he will never address the issue again. He will forever say that it was my fault we got divorced...
I have to get it into my head that he will always lie...that he was not the man I thought he was, that he lived a lie the whole time we were together. I was wrong about him...very very wrong...
I have to move on. I have to walk a bigger circle...I can no longer continue in this rut. I have to let go of the past to grab onto my present and future. I have to leave all of him, all of us behind.
I have to be stronger than I think I can be.
Which is why I am finally writing this post.
I have eased my way into this moment, only because I have had such a hard time processing it all myself. It has been more than 2 years since some of these things happened, but it is still hard for me to think about sometimes.
I will just put in this little disclaimer--I am writing as honestly and as truthfully as I can. I will not embellish, fantasize, blow out of proportion or lie. But I am sure that my ex would refute some things I will say--even though everything I will mention he has admitted to met. So there, there's that little tidbit, just in case. Now moving on...
I have been in therapy since I got divorced. It wasn't necessarily just because of the divorce--there was much more going on.
It has taken me this long to be able to fully realize why I had to leave my husband. For a long time I didn't know what to say when people asked why, but now I know exactly what to say. The easy, short answer is: I left him because he became abusive.
It's like that whole thing about putting a frog into a pot of boiling water (I do not support actually doing this, of course...). But if you put a frog into a pot of near-boiling water, he leaps right out because naturally--it's freakin' hot. But if you put a frog in a pot of cool water and slowly heat it--he will stay in the pot until he boils to death because he doesn't realize he's getting into hot water.
I can't even say when it started, or how. The first event I can definitively call abuse was when he spiked my drink at dinner with alcohol, and then lied about it. He lied about it three times before I finally got him to admit to it.
There were lies and deceit...before and after that. But I kept hoping it would get better. I kept hoping that he would change...that we would change together...but it would not be the case.
The next definitive abuse incident wouldn't come for months...but it was enough to break me.
There are moments when you can't believe that you are living through them...that you hope and you pray that it is just a movie reel...or that you will wake up and see it was all just a bad dream...
This was one of those moments for me.
It was the day of my birthday party...and since we had been having problems for months, we set some ground rules. He said to me, "No means no, even when you're drunk." Since he was driving and it was my party, there was an understanding that I would be fairly intoxicated when we came home. I told him something to the effect of, "That's good to hear...because it will probably still be no."
So we went out, had a great time partying and celebrating with friends. I had one friend who was actually staying at our house that night since it was a joint birthday party for us...so we got her set up on the couch to sleep, then went upstairs to change.
I was in the bathroom, and I can't remember what we were talking about. I remember all the lights were on...and something was said about sex, and I said no. I said no when he picked me up in the bathroom...I said no all the way as he carried me to the bed...and I continued to say no until I realized I couldn't stop him.
I remember wishing I were dead...and feeling dead. I remember walking downstairs and sharing the couch with my friend. I remember being so mad and hurt that he broke his own promise...that no did not in fact mean no.
The next night we had a talk...I can't remember why we decided to talk...but we sat in the basement and talked about the night before. I recounted the events to him, and he said to me:
"I raped you."
And I agreed with him...and I realized that his abuse was only going to get worse...and I couldn't imagine what he would do next.
I left the next day. I knew I could never let him touch me again...not in any way.
In the months to come, he would ask why I didn't fight him more...why I didn't hit him or try to hurt him in order to stop him. My only answer was...why should I have had to?
I have been dealing with these demons ever since then. It has torn me apart time and time again. I am still brokenhearted over the fact that someone who was supposed to love me so much could do such a thing...no wonder I have trust issues, right?
That all makes it sound like I left him because I am a lesbian, right?
Sorry, I am still bitter about that....
I continue to choose to live in the truth...the truth shall set me free. And if he decides to continue to live in lies, then he is building his own prison--but he can't build his prison around me too.
I am free...I am free because as awful as the truth can be, I choose to accept it, learn from it, grow into more truth, and be stronger because of it.
Lies will only corrupt you, from the inside out. They will rot you...rob you...break you. And then you will feel even worse than I ever have.
I have to be stronger than I think I am.
I have to be stronger that I think I can be.
I have to be stronger.
I will be stronger.
Very rarely is rape actually reported to the authorities. As little as 18% of rapes are actually reported--"One factor relating to this under reporting may be the misconception that most rapes are committed by strangers." Some statistics list as little as 2-26% of rape cases involve a perpetrator who was a stranger to the victim, with 26-60% of perpetrators being a current or former intimate partner.
If you or someone you know has been a victim of rape, don't be afraid to seek help. Find a therapist, and find a support group.
You are not alone.
I am not alone.
I am stronger than I was yesterday.
And I will be stronger tomorrow...despite everything that was stolen from me, I will rise above.
The truth will set me free.
I was just reminded of things that were stolen from me...
...a niece's laughter.
...fun with cousins.
...family.
...friends.
...there are so many people that used to be a part of my life that I miss so dearly, and I know I will never see them again...it's quite heartbreaking.
It is hard to forgive because he stole all of this from me.
I finally went through the other day and deleted a bunch of "friends" off of my facebook. There were so many "mutual friends" that I haven't heard from since the divorce...I finally realized that I just needed to let go, I needed a clean slate. There is no reason for those people to be able to sneak peak into my life whenever they want to, and there is no reason why I need to peak into their lives.
But somehow, there's always something to remind me...something more to bring the broken heart to the forefront...to remind me what all the heartbreak felt like.
There are moments it feels just as raw as it did almost 2 years ago...there are moments I can't believe it has been almost 2 years...and other moments it feels like it has been so much longer. I hate feeling that way again...like the pulses in my heart are misfiring, like each heartbeat squeezes an already raw heart...like my chest will explode from all the pain, leaving nothing but a stain on the wall...
I have to get it into my head that he will never care what he did to me. It makes no difference to him...he has no reason to care. He will never admit to his part in what went wrong...he will continue to lie and live a lie until the day he dies.
I have to get it into my head that he will never again admit to being abusive. He admitted it to me once, but I know he will never address the issue again. He will forever say that it was my fault we got divorced...
I have to get it into my head that he will always lie...that he was not the man I thought he was, that he lived a lie the whole time we were together. I was wrong about him...very very wrong...
I have to move on. I have to walk a bigger circle...I can no longer continue in this rut. I have to let go of the past to grab onto my present and future. I have to leave all of him, all of us behind.
I have to be stronger than I think I can be.
Which is why I am finally writing this post.
I have eased my way into this moment, only because I have had such a hard time processing it all myself. It has been more than 2 years since some of these things happened, but it is still hard for me to think about sometimes.
I will just put in this little disclaimer--I am writing as honestly and as truthfully as I can. I will not embellish, fantasize, blow out of proportion or lie. But I am sure that my ex would refute some things I will say--even though everything I will mention he has admitted to met. So there, there's that little tidbit, just in case. Now moving on...
I have been in therapy since I got divorced. It wasn't necessarily just because of the divorce--there was much more going on.
It has taken me this long to be able to fully realize why I had to leave my husband. For a long time I didn't know what to say when people asked why, but now I know exactly what to say. The easy, short answer is: I left him because he became abusive.
It's like that whole thing about putting a frog into a pot of boiling water (I do not support actually doing this, of course...). But if you put a frog into a pot of near-boiling water, he leaps right out because naturally--it's freakin' hot. But if you put a frog in a pot of cool water and slowly heat it--he will stay in the pot until he boils to death because he doesn't realize he's getting into hot water.
I can't even say when it started, or how. The first event I can definitively call abuse was when he spiked my drink at dinner with alcohol, and then lied about it. He lied about it three times before I finally got him to admit to it.
There were lies and deceit...before and after that. But I kept hoping it would get better. I kept hoping that he would change...that we would change together...but it would not be the case.
The next definitive abuse incident wouldn't come for months...but it was enough to break me.
There are moments when you can't believe that you are living through them...that you hope and you pray that it is just a movie reel...or that you will wake up and see it was all just a bad dream...
This was one of those moments for me.
It was the day of my birthday party...and since we had been having problems for months, we set some ground rules. He said to me, "No means no, even when you're drunk." Since he was driving and it was my party, there was an understanding that I would be fairly intoxicated when we came home. I told him something to the effect of, "That's good to hear...because it will probably still be no."
So we went out, had a great time partying and celebrating with friends. I had one friend who was actually staying at our house that night since it was a joint birthday party for us...so we got her set up on the couch to sleep, then went upstairs to change.
I was in the bathroom, and I can't remember what we were talking about. I remember all the lights were on...and something was said about sex, and I said no. I said no when he picked me up in the bathroom...I said no all the way as he carried me to the bed...and I continued to say no until I realized I couldn't stop him.
I remember wishing I were dead...and feeling dead. I remember walking downstairs and sharing the couch with my friend. I remember being so mad and hurt that he broke his own promise...that no did not in fact mean no.
The next night we had a talk...I can't remember why we decided to talk...but we sat in the basement and talked about the night before. I recounted the events to him, and he said to me:
"I raped you."
And I agreed with him...and I realized that his abuse was only going to get worse...and I couldn't imagine what he would do next.
I left the next day. I knew I could never let him touch me again...not in any way.
In the months to come, he would ask why I didn't fight him more...why I didn't hit him or try to hurt him in order to stop him. My only answer was...why should I have had to?
I have been dealing with these demons ever since then. It has torn me apart time and time again. I am still brokenhearted over the fact that someone who was supposed to love me so much could do such a thing...no wonder I have trust issues, right?
That all makes it sound like I left him because I am a lesbian, right?
Sorry, I am still bitter about that....
I continue to choose to live in the truth...the truth shall set me free. And if he decides to continue to live in lies, then he is building his own prison--but he can't build his prison around me too.
I am free...I am free because as awful as the truth can be, I choose to accept it, learn from it, grow into more truth, and be stronger because of it.
Lies will only corrupt you, from the inside out. They will rot you...rob you...break you. And then you will feel even worse than I ever have.
I have to be stronger than I think I am.
I have to be stronger that I think I can be.
I have to be stronger.
I will be stronger.
Very rarely is rape actually reported to the authorities. As little as 18% of rapes are actually reported--"One factor relating to this under reporting may be the misconception that most rapes are committed by strangers." Some statistics list as little as 2-26% of rape cases involve a perpetrator who was a stranger to the victim, with 26-60% of perpetrators being a current or former intimate partner.
If you or someone you know has been a victim of rape, don't be afraid to seek help. Find a therapist, and find a support group.
You are not alone.
I am not alone.
I am stronger than I was yesterday.
And I will be stronger tomorrow...despite everything that was stolen from me, I will rise above.
The truth will set me free.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
My Kids...
Today while I was driving to work, I saw a dead cat on the side of the road...it was awful.
I always hate seeing roadkill...for as long as I can remember, I have always said a prayer for each little creature that I saw dead on the road. I still do it...
So, today while I was at work I missed my kids a lot. I was thinking about how fortunate I am to have such wonderful kids--and the fact that they are both shelter cats that I stumbled upon tells me that we were meant to be a family. There is much love between us all. :-)
So you may laugh, call me a cat lady and think I'm pretty weird...but I don't mind. I have my kids, and they have me. We are an awesome family...and I am proud of it!!
I always hate seeing roadkill...for as long as I can remember, I have always said a prayer for each little creature that I saw dead on the road. I still do it...
So, today while I was at work I missed my kids a lot. I was thinking about how fortunate I am to have such wonderful kids--and the fact that they are both shelter cats that I stumbled upon tells me that we were meant to be a family. There is much love between us all. :-)
So you may laugh, call me a cat lady and think I'm pretty weird...but I don't mind. I have my kids, and they have me. We are an awesome family...and I am proud of it!!
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Phobic
by Plumb
I watched you sit alone,
I watched you cry your eyes out.
Now tell me what you've done.
Is it so bad
That I would shut you out
And leave you here alone?
Yes I saw what you did,
I was right there with you,
I won't let you sink.
No, I forgive you.
Phobic,
Don't be.
Grace needs a little more freedom.
Phobic,
Don't be.
Love needs room to breathe.
I have watched you grow,
And I've stood in your shadow,
I've never walked away.
I hung the stars and
I hold your heart
So, don't ever be afraid.
Yes, I know when you breathe,
And I feel when you need.
I won't let you sink.
No, I forgive you.
Phobic,
Don't be.
Grace needs a little more freedom.
Phobic,
Don't be.
Love needs room to breathe.
You can be healed.
You can be free.
You can know peace.
Never be afraid again.
Phobic,
Don't be.
Grace needs a little more freedom.
Phobic,
Don't be.
Love needs room to breathe.
Never be afraid.
Never be afraid.
He's here.
_______________________________
I have been thinking about this song for several days now...I didn't know all of the words, but now that I do I like the song even more I think.
But what has been stuck in my head had been "grace needs a little more freedom" and "love needs room to breathe."
Now, to wrap my own head around all I want to say...
I have been working on forgiving my ex. It has not been easy....for so many reasons.
I know what he did.
I was right there...
I watched him cry, I watched his heart break.
I watched him choose to hurt me.
I know he chose to hurt me..for whatever reason.
I couldn't keep him from sinking, no matter how hard I tried...
But I forgive him.
I can't be phobic anymore. I have to get past all he did to me--all he continues to do. I have to release the death grip I have on it all...and let it go. It will only poison me the longer I hold onto it all.
Grace needs a little more freedom...I have to open my heart and let go of the hurt, the hatred, the anger...or else I will never feel the healing power of forgiveness.
Love needs room to breathe...I have to let go of the past if I want to hold onto what I have in the present, if I want to grab a hold of everything there is in the future...or else the past will choke all the good out of each new day.
I can be healed.
I can be free.
I can know peace.
I can find a way to never be afraid again.
I can be healed...I can feel like my life is my own again. I can feel like I am no longer picking up the pieces of my life...I can feel my heart whole again.
I can be free...I can fly on the wings of love again. I can be free from the chains of anger and released from the prison of pain.
I can know peace...I can breathe in each moment. I can relax in the warmth of a new sunrise in my soul...I can rise above the continued chaos and poison thrown at me by my enemies.
I can find a way to never be afraid again...I won't ever be hurt like that again. I will be loved like never before. I will never be abused again...
I forgive him.
Those words are so easy to write, and I know that it is something I will have to continually work on. But this is my choice...and I choose to rise above all the negativity...even if he can't rise above his own lies and deceit, I will.
Love needs a little more freedom...I can't let the demons of the past choke the love I have in my life now...the demons are either in the past, or they aren't. My ex is either in my past, or he is in the present. I choose to keep him in the past, to leave him there with all the pain, anger, hatred, broken hearts and broken pieces.
He has no power over me...not even anger.
I am stronger than that...and I can never be afraid again.
I will be healed.
I will be free.
I will know peace.
I will rise above...
I watched you sit alone,
I watched you cry your eyes out.
Now tell me what you've done.
Is it so bad
That I would shut you out
And leave you here alone?
Yes I saw what you did,
I was right there with you,
I won't let you sink.
No, I forgive you.
Phobic,
Don't be.
Grace needs a little more freedom.
Phobic,
Don't be.
Love needs room to breathe.
I have watched you grow,
And I've stood in your shadow,
I've never walked away.
I hung the stars and
I hold your heart
So, don't ever be afraid.
Yes, I know when you breathe,
And I feel when you need.
I won't let you sink.
No, I forgive you.
Phobic,
Don't be.
Grace needs a little more freedom.
Phobic,
Don't be.
Love needs room to breathe.
You can be healed.
You can be free.
You can know peace.
Never be afraid again.
Phobic,
Don't be.
Grace needs a little more freedom.
Phobic,
Don't be.
Love needs room to breathe.
Never be afraid.
Never be afraid.
He's here.
_______________________________
I have been thinking about this song for several days now...I didn't know all of the words, but now that I do I like the song even more I think.
But what has been stuck in my head had been "grace needs a little more freedom" and "love needs room to breathe."
Now, to wrap my own head around all I want to say...
I have been working on forgiving my ex. It has not been easy....for so many reasons.
I know what he did.
I was right there...
I watched him cry, I watched his heart break.
I watched him choose to hurt me.
I know he chose to hurt me..for whatever reason.
I couldn't keep him from sinking, no matter how hard I tried...
But I forgive him.
I can't be phobic anymore. I have to get past all he did to me--all he continues to do. I have to release the death grip I have on it all...and let it go. It will only poison me the longer I hold onto it all.
Grace needs a little more freedom...I have to open my heart and let go of the hurt, the hatred, the anger...or else I will never feel the healing power of forgiveness.
Love needs room to breathe...I have to let go of the past if I want to hold onto what I have in the present, if I want to grab a hold of everything there is in the future...or else the past will choke all the good out of each new day.
I can be healed.
I can be free.
I can know peace.
I can find a way to never be afraid again.
I can be healed...I can feel like my life is my own again. I can feel like I am no longer picking up the pieces of my life...I can feel my heart whole again.
I can be free...I can fly on the wings of love again. I can be free from the chains of anger and released from the prison of pain.
I can know peace...I can breathe in each moment. I can relax in the warmth of a new sunrise in my soul...I can rise above the continued chaos and poison thrown at me by my enemies.
I can find a way to never be afraid again...I won't ever be hurt like that again. I will be loved like never before. I will never be abused again...
I forgive him.
Those words are so easy to write, and I know that it is something I will have to continually work on. But this is my choice...and I choose to rise above all the negativity...even if he can't rise above his own lies and deceit, I will.
Love needs a little more freedom...I can't let the demons of the past choke the love I have in my life now...the demons are either in the past, or they aren't. My ex is either in my past, or he is in the present. I choose to keep him in the past, to leave him there with all the pain, anger, hatred, broken hearts and broken pieces.
He has no power over me...not even anger.
I am stronger than that...and I can never be afraid again.
I will be healed.
I will be free.
I will know peace.
I will rise above...
Friday, November 12, 2010
Circles...
Lately, I have been thinking about the path of life as a series of circles.
That each of us have our circles to walk, and each time we complete a circle, we hope to grow into the next largest circle...and if we don't, we end up walking the same circle over and over again, until it becomes a rut.
I think that this idea partially came from my crochet projects...I have been making a lot of hats lately, and hats are just a series of concentric circles...and with each one growing larger, it creates something awesome...
Circles...walking circles...
It becomes a choice to grow more than yesterday...to be bigger and better than yesterday. To walk a new circle means to make a commitment to be bigger than you have ever been...
It's about growth...and learning.
New circles...bigger ones...
I stumble...I fall, all the time while trying to walk a bigger circle. But even though it is always more difficult than I want it to be--I know it is worth it.
So I will keep trying to walk a bigger circle each day.
I will keep getting back up...
I will keep trying...
That each of us have our circles to walk, and each time we complete a circle, we hope to grow into the next largest circle...and if we don't, we end up walking the same circle over and over again, until it becomes a rut.
I think that this idea partially came from my crochet projects...I have been making a lot of hats lately, and hats are just a series of concentric circles...and with each one growing larger, it creates something awesome...
Circles...walking circles...
It becomes a choice to grow more than yesterday...to be bigger and better than yesterday. To walk a new circle means to make a commitment to be bigger than you have ever been...
It's about growth...and learning.
New circles...bigger ones...
I stumble...I fall, all the time while trying to walk a bigger circle. But even though it is always more difficult than I want it to be--I know it is worth it.
So I will keep trying to walk a bigger circle each day.
I will keep getting back up...
I will keep trying...
Thursday, November 11, 2010
One Step Forward and Two Steps Back...
Do you ever get to a spot just where you think you are getting ahead in life? And you get really proud of yourself, pat on the back...and then whooops...it's time for two steps back...ever get there?
I do. I feel like I end up there a lot. I am working on it...really hard actually. I am trying to only take steps forward...or even sideways...just so long as I can avoid taking steps back.
Maybe someday I'll get it right.
Or maybe the sole purpose of my life is to serve as a warning to others.
Two steps forward...no more steps back...
I do. I feel like I end up there a lot. I am working on it...really hard actually. I am trying to only take steps forward...or even sideways...just so long as I can avoid taking steps back.
Maybe someday I'll get it right.
Or maybe the sole purpose of my life is to serve as a warning to others.
Two steps forward...no more steps back...
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Happy Birthday Ryan!!
Today we got to celebrate Ryan's birthday--which he actually hates doing, but I decided I was going to make it fun nonetheless. And in spite of him getting sung to at dinner (which I know he despises, and I tried to stop them...) I think he had a happy birthday.
So, in short--happy birthday Ryan!! I am so glad that you were born, so glad that we met, so glad that we met again, and so glad that you hypothetically asked me out on a date. I hope that we get to celebrate many more of your birthdays together!!
:-)
So, in short--happy birthday Ryan!! I am so glad that you were born, so glad that we met, so glad that we met again, and so glad that you hypothetically asked me out on a date. I hope that we get to celebrate many more of your birthdays together!!
:-)
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Snow, Snow, Snow, Snow, Snow....
I know it's mostly rain right now...but I am watching snowflakes fall right now too.
Sigh...I am so not ready for this...especially since I have to drive to Denver tonight.
I actually love the snow when I can sit indoors next to the fireplace and watch it fall...and melt away. But as soon as I have to venture out in it...I start to get cold. Not just cold...remember, I am a desert girl...so I will start to shiver, whole body shakes. And it won't stop until I am back home and balled up in an electric blanket.
I also hate other drivers in the snow. I learned to drive in the snow--my birthday is in February, and so when it was time to get all my hours towards getting my license, I was driving in the snow. I remember getting so angry with my Dad for having me drive my whole family to Loveland in a snow storm. But now, I totally understand.
I drive a car almost the same size as a Pepsi can. I don't have to park, I just fold it up and put it in my purse when I get where I am going. OK, not really...but close. (P.S>How cool would that be?) So my car is really lightweight. But it is front wheel drive...and I know how to handle the snow. So I get super-annoyed with people who drive too slow or too crazy for it all. I HATE driving in the snow. Unless it is the middle of the night and there is absolutely NO other car on the road...then driving in snow is kind of awesome.
Sigh...there are more snowflakes falling. So regardless of it they are sticking or not, I need to leave way early for work...to avoid as much traffic as possible.
Happy first snow, fellow Coloradans!
Sigh...I am so not ready for this...especially since I have to drive to Denver tonight.
I actually love the snow when I can sit indoors next to the fireplace and watch it fall...and melt away. But as soon as I have to venture out in it...I start to get cold. Not just cold...remember, I am a desert girl...so I will start to shiver, whole body shakes. And it won't stop until I am back home and balled up in an electric blanket.
I also hate other drivers in the snow. I learned to drive in the snow--my birthday is in February, and so when it was time to get all my hours towards getting my license, I was driving in the snow. I remember getting so angry with my Dad for having me drive my whole family to Loveland in a snow storm. But now, I totally understand.
I drive a car almost the same size as a Pepsi can. I don't have to park, I just fold it up and put it in my purse when I get where I am going. OK, not really...but close. (P.S>How cool would that be?) So my car is really lightweight. But it is front wheel drive...and I know how to handle the snow. So I get super-annoyed with people who drive too slow or too crazy for it all. I HATE driving in the snow. Unless it is the middle of the night and there is absolutely NO other car on the road...then driving in snow is kind of awesome.
Sigh...there are more snowflakes falling. So regardless of it they are sticking or not, I need to leave way early for work...to avoid as much traffic as possible.
Happy first snow, fellow Coloradans!
Monday, November 8, 2010
New Outlook, New Look...
I am still working on this weekend's posts, but I wanted to introduce you to the new look of my blog!!
I spent a couple hours this morning updating it...getting all the colors just right, finding the right feel. So let me know what you think--especially if something is difficult to read. ;-)
I hope you all had a wonderful weekend!
I spent a couple hours this morning updating it...getting all the colors just right, finding the right feel. So let me know what you think--especially if something is difficult to read. ;-)
I hope you all had a wonderful weekend!
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Daylight Savings...
And so it begins.
Today we started Daylight Savings Time...and so today it was dark at 5PM.
DARK.
At 5.
Ridiculous.
Sigh, at least I think so. I hate it when it starts getting dark any time before 8...and I love it when the sun sets at 9...truly wonderful.
But we are working our way to the other end of the cycle...the part when the night overpowers the day very early...and the dark is so much darker than I ever remember.
Today was a rough day. I forgot what DST does to the evenings...or maybe it was just my usual denial of the cold and dark of winter. Nonetheless, the day became more and more depressing as the night approached.
In the middle of the summer, when it is bright and lovely and warm, I have trouble remembering exactly what I feel like in the winter. Summer mornings when I step outside in the early morning warmth, I find it hard to imagine that the world is ever so cold in the morning that I can't walk outside in a sundress...
But I am starting to feel the depression on the horizon...I can see it coming. And right now, I want to fight it. I don't want to be stuck in a world of darkness, clouds, rain and emptiness. Winter is a killer when the sun goes down....
Even If It Kills Me
by Motion City Soundtrack
I've got a lot of things to do tonight.
I'm so sick of making lists,
Of things I'll never finish.
I've lived here for the last 12 years.
Since early 1995,
All my shit has been in boxes
But if I had a little more time to kill,
I'd settle every little stupid thing.
Yeah, you'd think that I would
But I'm too tired to go to sleep tonight.
And I'm too weak to follow dreams tonight.
For the first time in a long time,
I can say that I wanna try
To get better and overcome each moment,
In my own way.
I wonder if I'll ever lose my mind.
I tried hard for a while,
But then I kind of gave up.
Winter is a killer when the sun goes down.
"I'm really not as stubborn as I seem,"
Said the knuckle to the concrete.
But I'm too tired to go to sleep tonight.
And I'm too weak to follow dreams tonight.
For the first time in a long time,
I can say that I wanna try
To get better and overcome each moment,
In my own way.
I'm not saying that I'm giving up,
I'm just trying not to think,
As much as I used to.
'Cause never is a lonely little messed up word.
Maybe I'll get it right someday...
For the first time in a long time,
I can say that I wanna try.
I feel helpless for the most part,
But I'm learning to open my eyes.
And the sad truth of the matter is,
I'll never get over it
But I'm gonna try
To get better and overcome each moment,
In my own way.
I so wanna get back on track.
And I'll do whatever it takes,
Even if it kills me.
_________________________________
I'm really not as stubborn as I seem...and sometimes I wonder if I will ever lose my mind.
But I want to get better.
I want to overcome each moment...
In my own way.
Because never is a lonely little messed up word...
I do feel helpless some days...those long, dark, cold days...when I just don't even care anymore. When I can no longer imagine the sunshine, and it feels like the darkness will continue forever and leave me encased in my own prison.
But it's a new winter...a new year. And it is going to be better.
I hope.
Today we started Daylight Savings Time...and so today it was dark at 5PM.
DARK.
At 5.
Ridiculous.
Sigh, at least I think so. I hate it when it starts getting dark any time before 8...and I love it when the sun sets at 9...truly wonderful.
But we are working our way to the other end of the cycle...the part when the night overpowers the day very early...and the dark is so much darker than I ever remember.
Today was a rough day. I forgot what DST does to the evenings...or maybe it was just my usual denial of the cold and dark of winter. Nonetheless, the day became more and more depressing as the night approached.
In the middle of the summer, when it is bright and lovely and warm, I have trouble remembering exactly what I feel like in the winter. Summer mornings when I step outside in the early morning warmth, I find it hard to imagine that the world is ever so cold in the morning that I can't walk outside in a sundress...
But I am starting to feel the depression on the horizon...I can see it coming. And right now, I want to fight it. I don't want to be stuck in a world of darkness, clouds, rain and emptiness. Winter is a killer when the sun goes down....
Even If It Kills Me
by Motion City Soundtrack
I've got a lot of things to do tonight.
I'm so sick of making lists,
Of things I'll never finish.
I've lived here for the last 12 years.
Since early 1995,
All my shit has been in boxes
But if I had a little more time to kill,
I'd settle every little stupid thing.
Yeah, you'd think that I would
But I'm too tired to go to sleep tonight.
And I'm too weak to follow dreams tonight.
For the first time in a long time,
I can say that I wanna try
To get better and overcome each moment,
In my own way.
I wonder if I'll ever lose my mind.
I tried hard for a while,
But then I kind of gave up.
Winter is a killer when the sun goes down.
"I'm really not as stubborn as I seem,"
Said the knuckle to the concrete.
But I'm too tired to go to sleep tonight.
And I'm too weak to follow dreams tonight.
For the first time in a long time,
I can say that I wanna try
To get better and overcome each moment,
In my own way.
I'm not saying that I'm giving up,
I'm just trying not to think,
As much as I used to.
'Cause never is a lonely little messed up word.
Maybe I'll get it right someday...
For the first time in a long time,
I can say that I wanna try.
I feel helpless for the most part,
But I'm learning to open my eyes.
And the sad truth of the matter is,
I'll never get over it
But I'm gonna try
To get better and overcome each moment,
In my own way.
I so wanna get back on track.
And I'll do whatever it takes,
Even if it kills me.
_________________________________
I'm really not as stubborn as I seem...and sometimes I wonder if I will ever lose my mind.
But I want to get better.
I want to overcome each moment...
In my own way.
Because never is a lonely little messed up word...
I do feel helpless some days...those long, dark, cold days...when I just don't even care anymore. When I can no longer imagine the sunshine, and it feels like the darkness will continue forever and leave me encased in my own prison.
But it's a new winter...a new year. And it is going to be better.
I hope.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Happy Birth Day Little One...
Today my good friends Austyn and Brian welcomed their lovely little girl, Emery.
The catch is...Emery wasn't due to be born until February.
But, she is a fighter already...wriggling her way about, she is doing well--a tiny but mighty force!!
We all feel so blessed that both Austyn and Emery are doing so well. It is such a miracle...all of it...
So many congratulations to the happy parents!!
And welcome, little Emery. You are already so very loved. Happy Birth Day.
The catch is...Emery wasn't due to be born until February.
But, she is a fighter already...wriggling her way about, she is doing well--a tiny but mighty force!!
We all feel so blessed that both Austyn and Emery are doing so well. It is such a miracle...all of it...
So many congratulations to the happy parents!!
And welcome, little Emery. You are already so very loved. Happy Birth Day.
Friday, November 5, 2010
New Intentions...
Through a blog I have just started following, I have come across a very interesting website/blog called Makeunder My Life.
While I have only scratched the surface here, I really like the DIY-DYL (Do It Yourself-Design Your Life) idea of designing a life with intention....
A few days ago, I felt like I was getting a wake up call. I felt like someone was smacking the back of my head with a stick...saying,
"What the HELL are you doing?? WAKE UP. Today is passing you by, and today is all you have!!"
All of a sudden I realized that all my bad habits were adding up...unfortunately they add up to zero...and unless I decided to change myself and my habits, I was going to lose a lot more than just a few days.
So, in line with Makeunder My Life, I want to design my life with intention. I want there to be a purpose in everything I do (even if it is just for fun) and I want there to be a clear intention with my life.
Without further ado, my intentions:
1) BE THOUGHTFUL
I want to consistently create an atmosphere of awareness. What is my carbon footprint? Am I treating others the way I want to be treated? Do I think this soup was made with chicken stock? Stuff like that. I feel that lately I have not been considerate of so many things...and I want to get back on track.
2) BE KIND
I want to not only treat others the way I want to be treated, but I want to treat others in such a way that they not only have to rethink how they treat others, but also how they view themselves. I want to build people up, give them confidence and show them that it is possible for another human being--maybe even a stranger--to care about their life.
I also want to be kind to animals...spend more time with my kids. Also, be more mindful of what I am eating and where it came from...eggs only from cage free, vegetarian fed hens--ideally. Continue to not buy new leather.
3) BE CONTENT
My Dad always says that being happy and being content are two completely different things, and I would agree. Happiness is more temporary, content is much more a state of life. So I want to work towards maintaining a constant state of contentedness. Live where I want to live, work where I want to work, love who I want to love, be who I want to be. Contentment.
4) BE HEALTHY
I struggle with this one daily. I try to be healthy, but some days I find it so difficult to actually feel healthy. I want to consider my body a temple, and treat it with the same respect. I want to take the time to exercise and fuel my body with what it needs to conquer each new day.
5) BE PROACTIVE
In other words, I need to stop procrastinating. That's pretty much it. Seize the day!! Seize the moment!! Remember that each moment is precious, and once it's gone--it's gone!!
6) BE ME
I want to fully embody this person inside this skin. Be who I am and be proud of it--flaws and all. I am not perfect...I never will be. And I am cool with that. But I need to let all the different facets of myself shine in every way that they are meant to. Find little ways in every life to be a more fulfilled me.
7) DISCOVER, EXPLORE, ADVENTURE
I want to see new things, meet new people, visit new places. I have always enjoyed traveling--whether it was just the chance to spend quality time with my Grandma or a Caribbean cruise, I loved it all. And now that I have the freedom to go where I want, when I want--I plan to take advantage of that. I want to always have some exciting plan in the works at any given moment...
8) DO BETTER TOMORROW
Today will not always be what I want it to be. I will not always be as successful as I want to be. But I can always do better tomorrow...even if today is awesome and I rock it--tomorrow can still be better. And if I can make each new day better than yesterday...how awesome will life be??
So, there it is. I am putting that list up on my door and on my mirror.
I heard the wake up call, and I am answering.
While I have only scratched the surface here, I really like the DIY-DYL (Do It Yourself-Design Your Life) idea of designing a life with intention....
A few days ago, I felt like I was getting a wake up call. I felt like someone was smacking the back of my head with a stick...saying,
"What the HELL are you doing?? WAKE UP. Today is passing you by, and today is all you have!!"
All of a sudden I realized that all my bad habits were adding up...unfortunately they add up to zero...and unless I decided to change myself and my habits, I was going to lose a lot more than just a few days.
So, in line with Makeunder My Life, I want to design my life with intention. I want there to be a purpose in everything I do (even if it is just for fun) and I want there to be a clear intention with my life.
Without further ado, my intentions:
1) BE THOUGHTFUL
I want to consistently create an atmosphere of awareness. What is my carbon footprint? Am I treating others the way I want to be treated? Do I think this soup was made with chicken stock? Stuff like that. I feel that lately I have not been considerate of so many things...and I want to get back on track.
2) BE KIND
I want to not only treat others the way I want to be treated, but I want to treat others in such a way that they not only have to rethink how they treat others, but also how they view themselves. I want to build people up, give them confidence and show them that it is possible for another human being--maybe even a stranger--to care about their life.
I also want to be kind to animals...spend more time with my kids. Also, be more mindful of what I am eating and where it came from...eggs only from cage free, vegetarian fed hens--ideally. Continue to not buy new leather.
3) BE CONTENT
My Dad always says that being happy and being content are two completely different things, and I would agree. Happiness is more temporary, content is much more a state of life. So I want to work towards maintaining a constant state of contentedness. Live where I want to live, work where I want to work, love who I want to love, be who I want to be. Contentment.
4) BE HEALTHY
I struggle with this one daily. I try to be healthy, but some days I find it so difficult to actually feel healthy. I want to consider my body a temple, and treat it with the same respect. I want to take the time to exercise and fuel my body with what it needs to conquer each new day.
5) BE PROACTIVE
In other words, I need to stop procrastinating. That's pretty much it. Seize the day!! Seize the moment!! Remember that each moment is precious, and once it's gone--it's gone!!
6) BE ME
I want to fully embody this person inside this skin. Be who I am and be proud of it--flaws and all. I am not perfect...I never will be. And I am cool with that. But I need to let all the different facets of myself shine in every way that they are meant to. Find little ways in every life to be a more fulfilled me.
7) DISCOVER, EXPLORE, ADVENTURE
I want to see new things, meet new people, visit new places. I have always enjoyed traveling--whether it was just the chance to spend quality time with my Grandma or a Caribbean cruise, I loved it all. And now that I have the freedom to go where I want, when I want--I plan to take advantage of that. I want to always have some exciting plan in the works at any given moment...
8) DO BETTER TOMORROW
Today will not always be what I want it to be. I will not always be as successful as I want to be. But I can always do better tomorrow...even if today is awesome and I rock it--tomorrow can still be better. And if I can make each new day better than yesterday...how awesome will life be??
So, there it is. I am putting that list up on my door and on my mirror.
I heard the wake up call, and I am answering.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Procrastinating...
Remember those bad habits I mentioned? Well, procrastination is definitely one of those bad habits.
I can't say that I was ever really great at not procrastinating, but I have definitely been better. I put off everything...sleeping, eating, projects, anything that I am afraid won't hold my attention span...
I don't know how it got to be this way...I think it goes back to a fear of success...and not having any more free time.
So today is another new day.
And tomorrow is too.
Today I will not procrastinate...on at least one thing. And tomorrow, I will tackle two things. I am determined to kick my bad habit.
And I am starting now.
I can't say that I was ever really great at not procrastinating, but I have definitely been better. I put off everything...sleeping, eating, projects, anything that I am afraid won't hold my attention span...
I don't know how it got to be this way...I think it goes back to a fear of success...and not having any more free time.
So today is another new day.
And tomorrow is too.
Today I will not procrastinate...on at least one thing. And tomorrow, I will tackle two things. I am determined to kick my bad habit.
And I am starting now.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Crochet...
You can call me a crazy cat lady if you want to, it's ok...I understand.
Nonetheless, crochet has become a daily habit for me. I absolutely love it. There is something about the repetition of motion, letting my hands create something slowly, stitch by stitch, not rushing through. It has become a very meditative thing for me...I can't imagine not crocheting in a day.
I can't really remember why I started crocheting. I have always like creating things, I have always enjoyed learning, and I love working with my hands...so maybe it just sounded like a good idea.
I so enjoy making something with the intention of giving it to someone. Then, with every stitch, I get to imagine giving it to them, how much they will enjoy it, where they will wear or use it, who they will show it off to...
So every day, I crochet.
And I wouldn't have it any other way.
Nonetheless, crochet has become a daily habit for me. I absolutely love it. There is something about the repetition of motion, letting my hands create something slowly, stitch by stitch, not rushing through. It has become a very meditative thing for me...I can't imagine not crocheting in a day.
I can't really remember why I started crocheting. I have always like creating things, I have always enjoyed learning, and I love working with my hands...so maybe it just sounded like a good idea.
I so enjoy making something with the intention of giving it to someone. Then, with every stitch, I get to imagine giving it to them, how much they will enjoy it, where they will wear or use it, who they will show it off to...
So every day, I crochet.
And I wouldn't have it any other way.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Searching...
There are times that routine is welcome. When it is comforting and stabilizing to know exactly what is going to happen day to day.
Then there are times that routine starts to smother...it becomes comfortable, overbearing, overwhelming to try and think of how to get out of a routine that has become a rut.
I am in that rut.
So many things have become routine...I have let bad habits take over where I had so carefully cultivated good habits.
Today is a new day.
Tomorrow is a new day.
And today, I am going to take a step towards climbing out of this rut.
Life is too short and too beautiful to spend it down a hole.
Then there are times that routine starts to smother...it becomes comfortable, overbearing, overwhelming to try and think of how to get out of a routine that has become a rut.
I am in that rut.
So many things have become routine...I have let bad habits take over where I had so carefully cultivated good habits.
Today is a new day.
Tomorrow is a new day.
And today, I am going to take a step towards climbing out of this rut.
Life is too short and too beautiful to spend it down a hole.
Monday, November 1, 2010
November...
I can't believe it is November already, but I am really glad it is!!
I love November because it means Thanksgiving is right around the corner! It's time to start baking pumpkin bread, pumpkin pie, and time to really start thinking about Christmas gifts!!
This year, my Grandma will be here for Thanksgiving...so that just makes it all the more exciting!!
Only 3 weeks 3 days away...and counting...
I love November because it means Thanksgiving is right around the corner! It's time to start baking pumpkin bread, pumpkin pie, and time to really start thinking about Christmas gifts!!
This year, my Grandma will be here for Thanksgiving...so that just makes it all the more exciting!!
Only 3 weeks 3 days away...and counting...
Sunday, October 31, 2010
This is Halloween...
I really enjoyed this Halloween. :-)
In the past, Halloween has been all about the costumes...of course. But honestly, I never really felt that into it until last year. And my costume last year was awesome...at least I think it was!
This year, I got to celebrate "Junk Food Appreciation Night" with Ryan and his family. It was great fun--lots of terrific junk food (everything from Whoppers to macaroni and cheese pizza to mozzarella sticks), good movies (Muppet themed) and wonderful company.
Ryan and I did dress up, kind of. We decided to wear all of our matching clothing items--so our matching Teefury shirts, our almost matching Moosejaw sweatshirts (in blue), and the almost matching hats I crocheted for us. It was fun, and we were adorable, if I do say so myself.
Earlier in the day we got to hang out with my wonderful friend Laura and her adorable daughter. It was so wonderful to get to catch up with them, especially since they will be moving away from Colorado this next week. Much sadness, all of them will be mucho missed.
All in all, it was a wonderful day. A perfect way to spend a Sunday.
Now, I just have to run a marathon a day for a month to work it all off. ;-)
In the past, Halloween has been all about the costumes...of course. But honestly, I never really felt that into it until last year. And my costume last year was awesome...at least I think it was!
This year, I got to celebrate "Junk Food Appreciation Night" with Ryan and his family. It was great fun--lots of terrific junk food (everything from Whoppers to macaroni and cheese pizza to mozzarella sticks), good movies (Muppet themed) and wonderful company.
Ryan and I did dress up, kind of. We decided to wear all of our matching clothing items--so our matching Teefury shirts, our almost matching Moosejaw sweatshirts (in blue), and the almost matching hats I crocheted for us. It was fun, and we were adorable, if I do say so myself.
Earlier in the day we got to hang out with my wonderful friend Laura and her adorable daughter. It was so wonderful to get to catch up with them, especially since they will be moving away from Colorado this next week. Much sadness, all of them will be mucho missed.
All in all, it was a wonderful day. A perfect way to spend a Sunday.
Now, I just have to run a marathon a day for a month to work it all off. ;-)
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Free moments...
I have much more free time in my life now...but I still hold onto each one like the next moment will be weeks away...
Most of you are probably confused by my obsession with free time...but after spending 8 years of overloading myself and working more hours in a day then I would sleep in a week...it is still quite phenomenal to me that I have free time.
So, even though I have to work tonight, I am enjoying my morning and afternoon off...doing a whole lot of nothing, and loving every moment of it.
Most of you are probably confused by my obsession with free time...but after spending 8 years of overloading myself and working more hours in a day then I would sleep in a week...it is still quite phenomenal to me that I have free time.
So, even though I have to work tonight, I am enjoying my morning and afternoon off...doing a whole lot of nothing, and loving every moment of it.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Holidays...
And it's that time of year again...the holidays are fast-approaching, and before I know it, 2011 will be here.
I LOVE the holidays, don't get me wrong. Christmas is my favorite time of year, followed by Thanksgiving and Halloween. So October, November and December are all just a build up of holiday wonderfulness in my mind.
But I do still remember how difficult last Christmas was. I felt cold, alone and empty...separated from everyone and everything. I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous that this year would bring some of the same feelings up, but I am confident that this year will be very different from last year.
So...hooray for another holiday season!!
Happy Halloween!!
I LOVE the holidays, don't get me wrong. Christmas is my favorite time of year, followed by Thanksgiving and Halloween. So October, November and December are all just a build up of holiday wonderfulness in my mind.
But I do still remember how difficult last Christmas was. I felt cold, alone and empty...separated from everyone and everything. I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous that this year would bring some of the same feelings up, but I am confident that this year will be very different from last year.
So...hooray for another holiday season!!
Happy Halloween!!
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Cold Nights...
There are moments that are so cold,
There are nights that are so dark,
That I remember
How cold and long and dark
All those nights alone were.
How helpless I felt...
How distant I felt...
How empty I felt...
How alone I felt...
But...
I may be cold,
I may be shivering,
I might be out in the darkest of night,
But I am not alone.
I am no longer empty,
I live in the present,
And I am stronger than I ever was.
Each sunset
And dark of night
Brings a new sunrise,
And a new day.
I walk now in the brightness of day,
The sun shining on my face
As I turn my freckled nose high
And smell the sweetness of sunshine,
And feel the warmth of being renewed.
It's a new day.
There are nights that are so dark,
That I remember
How cold and long and dark
All those nights alone were.
How helpless I felt...
How distant I felt...
How empty I felt...
How alone I felt...
But...
I may be cold,
I may be shivering,
I might be out in the darkest of night,
But I am not alone.
I am no longer empty,
I live in the present,
And I am stronger than I ever was.
Each sunset
And dark of night
Brings a new sunrise,
And a new day.
I walk now in the brightness of day,
The sun shining on my face
As I turn my freckled nose high
And smell the sweetness of sunshine,
And feel the warmth of being renewed.
It's a new day.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Jobs...
I have a few jobs. It has been years since I have had just one job at a time. I will be the first to admit that I have spent the last several years as a workaholic, but now that I have seen what life is like without endless hours of work, I am more than happy just to work to live, not live to work.
I have one job that is driving me crazy though...the others all have their moments, but I still enjoy them. But this one job, the bad stuff keeps far outweighing the good. There is very little communication, and as someone who is only in once a week, I feel very unprepared for what I will have to face each time I go in.
The rules change from week to week, but no one bothers to tell me. I do my best to read all the memos and keep myself up to date, but when there are no communications...it doesn't matter.
I am starting to reach the end of my rope on this one...we'll see just how much longer I can go.
I have one job that is driving me crazy though...the others all have their moments, but I still enjoy them. But this one job, the bad stuff keeps far outweighing the good. There is very little communication, and as someone who is only in once a week, I feel very unprepared for what I will have to face each time I go in.
The rules change from week to week, but no one bothers to tell me. I do my best to read all the memos and keep myself up to date, but when there are no communications...it doesn't matter.
I am starting to reach the end of my rope on this one...we'll see just how much longer I can go.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Comments...
Funny story...
So not very many people leave comments here (which, by the way, you should do sometimes!!). So when I saw that I a comment on Broken Like a Vase... and Fall... I was quite surprised!!
Well, turns out it was spam, from "Billy." He left a comment saying how he got his ex back using some website and he is *SO* happy.
Wow, ya timed that one wrong Billy. There is no way I want my ex back, and it shows that you really read my post...right?
Anyhow, "Billy," if that is even your real name--don't leave spam comments. Especially such insensitive, ignorant ones.
But everyone else, feel free to tell me what's on your mind. I love getting feedback.
Goodbye Billy. Have fun with your ex.
So not very many people leave comments here (which, by the way, you should do sometimes!!). So when I saw that I a comment on Broken Like a Vase... and Fall... I was quite surprised!!
Well, turns out it was spam, from "Billy." He left a comment saying how he got his ex back using some website and he is *SO* happy.
Wow, ya timed that one wrong Billy. There is no way I want my ex back, and it shows that you really read my post...right?
Anyhow, "Billy," if that is even your real name--don't leave spam comments. Especially such insensitive, ignorant ones.
But everyone else, feel free to tell me what's on your mind. I love getting feedback.
Goodbye Billy. Have fun with your ex.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Broken Like A Vase...
There are times I really hate facebook. Only because I am an expert facebook stalker...I enjoy finding out who is up to what, what's going on...etc, etc.
Today I stumbled upon a post from a friend referring to something my ex had said. He said something to the effect of "trust is like a vase, once it's broken you can glue it back together, but it will never be the same again."
If he only knew how true his words are...if only he knew how true his words are for me.
I wonder if he thinks about how he broke his trust to me. I wonder if he even considers that side of the coin, or if he is still so narcissistic that he can't fathom the hurt he has caused me.
It's probably all my fault in his head.
Sometimes, I imagine what he thinks. How he feels. I imagine that he thinks that I should have stayed...that he thinks that what he did to me was "fine" and "socially acceptable." I imagine that he cannot comprehend why I left...I imagine that he is eyeball deep in denial. It's hard to see anything clearly from that point of view.
I imagine he feels betrayed...alone. Like he can never trust anyone again. I imagine he feels broken and lost...like he is putting the pieces of his life back together.
And then...I start to get angry. Because I imagine that he has no idea how he broke me.
If we want to use his analogy, he took the precious vase I had stored up in my heart, and pitched it as hard as he could off of a 4 story parking garage onto the street below. Just so cars could continue to run over it...insult to injury.
It is difficult, learning to trust again. And what gets even more frustrating is that there are feelings in the present that have nothing to do with the present...they are are residue from the past. What's the point in trying to create a beautiful vase when the last one you so carefully crafted was so viciously destroyed?
I have been dealing with trust issues lately. It came up in therapy, and so I am trying to tackle them before they get any worse. Fortunately, I have someone who is very supportive and understanding.
But right now, I still wish I could tell my ex exactly what is on my mind. I wish I could scream, and he would finally hear me, finally get his head out of wherever it is and face the truth.
For now, I will end with this:
Abuse is not ok...not in any measure. No abuse is "fine" or "socially acceptable." No woman, or man, should be stuck in a relationship where the abuse continues or escalates. If you or someone you know may be in an abusive relationship, get help.
Today.
Tomorrow may be too late.
It's easier to put together the broken pieces before you yourself are broken.
Today I stumbled upon a post from a friend referring to something my ex had said. He said something to the effect of "trust is like a vase, once it's broken you can glue it back together, but it will never be the same again."
If he only knew how true his words are...if only he knew how true his words are for me.
I wonder if he thinks about how he broke his trust to me. I wonder if he even considers that side of the coin, or if he is still so narcissistic that he can't fathom the hurt he has caused me.
It's probably all my fault in his head.
Sometimes, I imagine what he thinks. How he feels. I imagine that he thinks that I should have stayed...that he thinks that what he did to me was "fine" and "socially acceptable." I imagine that he cannot comprehend why I left...I imagine that he is eyeball deep in denial. It's hard to see anything clearly from that point of view.
I imagine he feels betrayed...alone. Like he can never trust anyone again. I imagine he feels broken and lost...like he is putting the pieces of his life back together.
And then...I start to get angry. Because I imagine that he has no idea how he broke me.
If we want to use his analogy, he took the precious vase I had stored up in my heart, and pitched it as hard as he could off of a 4 story parking garage onto the street below. Just so cars could continue to run over it...insult to injury.
It is difficult, learning to trust again. And what gets even more frustrating is that there are feelings in the present that have nothing to do with the present...they are are residue from the past. What's the point in trying to create a beautiful vase when the last one you so carefully crafted was so viciously destroyed?
I have been dealing with trust issues lately. It came up in therapy, and so I am trying to tackle them before they get any worse. Fortunately, I have someone who is very supportive and understanding.
But right now, I still wish I could tell my ex exactly what is on my mind. I wish I could scream, and he would finally hear me, finally get his head out of wherever it is and face the truth.
For now, I will end with this:
Abuse is not ok...not in any measure. No abuse is "fine" or "socially acceptable." No woman, or man, should be stuck in a relationship where the abuse continues or escalates. If you or someone you know may be in an abusive relationship, get help.
Today.
Tomorrow may be too late.
It's easier to put together the broken pieces before you yourself are broken.
Snow...
There's already snow up in the mountains...already.
They say it won't be down here soon, but I am sure it will be here all too soon...
This weekend I was obsessed with the changing leaves. It seems like they just started changing--only last week we had trees plump with lush green leaves. The bright fall leaves have only been around for a few days, and they are already falling...some trees are already bare...stick thin and looking dead.
The wind is already gusting...whipping through the dead trees, stirring up the remains of their summer coats and carrying them across streets and yards. The beautiful blue sky is hidden by layers and layers of storm clouds...threatening more foul weather....
The snow will be here all too soon. And it will feel like an eternity of cold damnation.
I will have to wait...I will have to remember that the sun will come out again. I will wait...patiently, for the spring...when the air warms again, when life blossoms anew, when the grass and leaves are green again, and when the blue sky grows from horizon to horizon...
I will wait...maybe hibernate.
They say it won't be down here soon, but I am sure it will be here all too soon...
This weekend I was obsessed with the changing leaves. It seems like they just started changing--only last week we had trees plump with lush green leaves. The bright fall leaves have only been around for a few days, and they are already falling...some trees are already bare...stick thin and looking dead.
The wind is already gusting...whipping through the dead trees, stirring up the remains of their summer coats and carrying them across streets and yards. The beautiful blue sky is hidden by layers and layers of storm clouds...threatening more foul weather....
The snow will be here all too soon. And it will feel like an eternity of cold damnation.
I will have to wait...I will have to remember that the sun will come out again. I will wait...patiently, for the spring...when the air warms again, when life blossoms anew, when the grass and leaves are green again, and when the blue sky grows from horizon to horizon...
I will wait...maybe hibernate.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Big breakfasts and short hikes...
I love Sunday mornings. At least the Sunday mornings of late.
Ryan and I have gotten into a habit...or maybe tradition--every Sunday morning/noon we make a large breakfast. French toast or pancakes, eggs, hashbrowns, veggie sausage, orange juice and chocolate almond milk. It is wonderful!!
I am in love. In case you didn't already notice. ;-)
I have finally found someone who makes me feel like I am the only person on the planet...and even if I am not, I feel like I am the coolest and most important person on the planet. It is amazing to feel like someone would swim across the ocean, climb mountains, conquer space and slay zombies just to kill time with me.
So spending Sunday mornings curled up on the couch, watching "Sunday morning cartoons" and chowing down on seriously delicious food--AND getting to spend all the time with someone super amazing...makes for a great day.
And in the afternoon, we went for a short hike/climb...in the cold and wind...but surrounded by the beauty of fall.
I love Sundays...
Ryan and I have gotten into a habit...or maybe tradition--every Sunday morning/noon we make a large breakfast. French toast or pancakes, eggs, hashbrowns, veggie sausage, orange juice and chocolate almond milk. It is wonderful!!
I am in love. In case you didn't already notice. ;-)
I have finally found someone who makes me feel like I am the only person on the planet...and even if I am not, I feel like I am the coolest and most important person on the planet. It is amazing to feel like someone would swim across the ocean, climb mountains, conquer space and slay zombies just to kill time with me.
So spending Sunday mornings curled up on the couch, watching "Sunday morning cartoons" and chowing down on seriously delicious food--AND getting to spend all the time with someone super amazing...makes for a great day.
And in the afternoon, we went for a short hike/climb...in the cold and wind...but surrounded by the beauty of fall.
I love Sundays...
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Fall...
I love the fall colors of Colorado. It is hard to imagine anything more beautiful than the brightness of the changing leaves juxtaposed against a dark and cloudy sky.
Fall really is in full swing. Yesterday I wore a fall outfit for the first time this year.
Already?
I know that all too soon winter will be here. Even though fall has just begun, the feelings of winter will be right on its heels.
Every time I walk outside and the weather is like this...I just wish that this was as cold as it ever got here. I wish the changing leaves would stay for a month, instead of just a week. I wish the ice would never form on the roads, and that the snow would only fall in the mountains (except for on Christmas Eve and Christmas, which are the two days a year I LOVE snow...) I wish the wind were kinder, the day still longer, and the cold not so biting.
I look at the trees...how is it they are almost bare already? It seems not so long ago they were just blossoming for the spring.
Oh winter...I know you're coming. But can you wait just a while? I am not yet done with Fall...
Fall really is in full swing. Yesterday I wore a fall outfit for the first time this year.
Already?
I know that all too soon winter will be here. Even though fall has just begun, the feelings of winter will be right on its heels.
Every time I walk outside and the weather is like this...I just wish that this was as cold as it ever got here. I wish the changing leaves would stay for a month, instead of just a week. I wish the ice would never form on the roads, and that the snow would only fall in the mountains (except for on Christmas Eve and Christmas, which are the two days a year I LOVE snow...) I wish the wind were kinder, the day still longer, and the cold not so biting.
I look at the trees...how is it they are almost bare already? It seems not so long ago they were just blossoming for the spring.
Oh winter...I know you're coming. But can you wait just a while? I am not yet done with Fall...
Friday, October 22, 2010
Exhuasted...
I am exhausted.
It has been a long week--a good one, but still long. It is nice that after a long week of work...I get a break. There isn't more work to be done, there isn't a continued deadline...it's done. It really is a nice change of pace from working in theatre for so long.
So, I am going to say goodnight. Time to pay off some of that sleep debt...
It has been a long week--a good one, but still long. It is nice that after a long week of work...I get a break. There isn't more work to be done, there isn't a continued deadline...it's done. It really is a nice change of pace from working in theatre for so long.
So, I am going to say goodnight. Time to pay off some of that sleep debt...
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Is it Thursday?
I worked my first overnight at TCS last night, and it was wonderful!! If I had to choose a job to do overnight...this would definitely be it!! I was surrounded by great people, and I got to do fun work--even taking out the trash was a laugh!
But I will admit--I now feel like I am kind of in a time warp...what day is it? Is it really Thursday? Do I really only have 2 more work shifts until the weekend...and I love *both* shifts I have to do??
Awesome. My life is some sort of awesome.
I haven't written about the kids in a while, so just to give you an update--they are doing very well. Sora has kept up with his routine shots, and so he is happy and healthy (and just as loud as ever). Kairi continues to amaze me by becoming more beautiful and adorable every day. Each day I am so happy--I feel so blessed to have these two wonderful little furballs to come home to. They brighten my days and warm my nights. I wouldn't change a thing about either of them!! Well...just one thing maybe...it seems they like to fling kitty litter to the far corners of the bathroom. That I could do without. ;-)
So, as a reminder--don't forget to check out your local shelter when considering adoption!! And take the time to visit The Animal Rescue Site every day. You can help them raise funds for animal shelters simply by visiting their site and clicking the purple "Give" button. Cost: 5 seconds of your time. Saving an animal's life: Priceless. Today's shelter story brought tears to my eyes.
Shelter animals need forever homes too. When bringing home a shelter animal, you are bringing home endless gratitude and unconditional love. What could be better than that?
But I will admit--I now feel like I am kind of in a time warp...what day is it? Is it really Thursday? Do I really only have 2 more work shifts until the weekend...and I love *both* shifts I have to do??
Awesome. My life is some sort of awesome.
I haven't written about the kids in a while, so just to give you an update--they are doing very well. Sora has kept up with his routine shots, and so he is happy and healthy (and just as loud as ever). Kairi continues to amaze me by becoming more beautiful and adorable every day. Each day I am so happy--I feel so blessed to have these two wonderful little furballs to come home to. They brighten my days and warm my nights. I wouldn't change a thing about either of them!! Well...just one thing maybe...it seems they like to fling kitty litter to the far corners of the bathroom. That I could do without. ;-)
So, as a reminder--don't forget to check out your local shelter when considering adoption!! And take the time to visit The Animal Rescue Site every day. You can help them raise funds for animal shelters simply by visiting their site and clicking the purple "Give" button. Cost: 5 seconds of your time. Saving an animal's life: Priceless. Today's shelter story brought tears to my eyes.
Shelter animals need forever homes too. When bringing home a shelter animal, you are bringing home endless gratitude and unconditional love. What could be better than that?
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Our Song
by The Spill Canvas
Be kind when you rewind
The story of the two of us.
Sometimes you wish
It was a little more mysterious.
When you look at me
With your cinematic eyes,
I want to play the part
But I forget the lines.
I do it all the time...
I never get it right.
One day when you replay
The slide show we know,
Pictures won't show villains and heroes.
It's just me killin' time with you.
Butter knife's dull,
But it still cuts through.
We never were,
We'll never be,
Stranger kissin' in the pourin' rain.
Chasin' after your leavin' train.
But we know that's not how our song goes.
Oh, you're a waitress in a cocktail bar,
And I save you 'cause I'm a big rockstar.
But we know that's not how our song goes.
It goes like this...
You didn't like my friends and
Your mom didn't trust me.
I thought I was slick, but my moves were rusty.
Bought you a 12-pack,
Promised you sushi,
Sorry if I wasn't straight out of a movie.
We never were,
We'll never be,
Stranger kissin' in the pourin' rain.
Chasin' after your leavin' train.
But we know that's not how our song goes.
Oh, you're a waitress in a cocktail bar,
And I save you 'cause I'm a big rockstar.
But we know that's not how our song goes.
Be kind when you rewind the story of the two of us,
Sometimes you wish it was a little more mysterous.
When you look at me with your cinematic eyes,
I want to play the part but I'm messin' up the lines.
We never were,
We'll never be,
Stranger kissin' in the pourin' rain.
Chasin' after your leavin' train.
But we know that's not how our song goes.
Oh, you're a waitress in a cocktail bar,
And I save you 'cause I'm a big rockstar.
But we know that's not how our song goes.
It goes like this...
It goes like this...
_________________________________
It doesn't take fancy dinners or dozens of roses...
When all I really want to do is spend time with you.
:-)
Be kind when you rewind
The story of the two of us.
Sometimes you wish
It was a little more mysterious.
When you look at me
With your cinematic eyes,
I want to play the part
But I forget the lines.
I do it all the time...
I never get it right.
One day when you replay
The slide show we know,
Pictures won't show villains and heroes.
It's just me killin' time with you.
Butter knife's dull,
But it still cuts through.
We never were,
We'll never be,
Stranger kissin' in the pourin' rain.
Chasin' after your leavin' train.
But we know that's not how our song goes.
Oh, you're a waitress in a cocktail bar,
And I save you 'cause I'm a big rockstar.
But we know that's not how our song goes.
It goes like this...
You didn't like my friends and
Your mom didn't trust me.
I thought I was slick, but my moves were rusty.
Bought you a 12-pack,
Promised you sushi,
Sorry if I wasn't straight out of a movie.
We never were,
We'll never be,
Stranger kissin' in the pourin' rain.
Chasin' after your leavin' train.
But we know that's not how our song goes.
Oh, you're a waitress in a cocktail bar,
And I save you 'cause I'm a big rockstar.
But we know that's not how our song goes.
Be kind when you rewind the story of the two of us,
Sometimes you wish it was a little more mysterous.
When you look at me with your cinematic eyes,
I want to play the part but I'm messin' up the lines.
We never were,
We'll never be,
Stranger kissin' in the pourin' rain.
Chasin' after your leavin' train.
But we know that's not how our song goes.
Oh, you're a waitress in a cocktail bar,
And I save you 'cause I'm a big rockstar.
But we know that's not how our song goes.
It goes like this...
It goes like this...
_________________________________
It doesn't take fancy dinners or dozens of roses...
When all I really want to do is spend time with you.
:-)
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Intentional Insomnia...
This will be interesting...
Tomorrow night and Thursday night I am working overnight shifts at TCS. I am interested to see how this intentional insomnia will go. I have protein bars and energy drinks ready to go, just in case I have somehow managed to "cure" the worst of my insomnia...just in case I can't just turn it on when necessary like I have done in the past.
While my insomnia has been painful and lonely at times, I have definitely gotten used to it, and take advantage of it when I can. It is nice to know when I need to stay awake for 65 hours straight--I can!
I wonder what it will be like to be around other people who live a fairly "normal" schedule...what will it be like in the early, early hours of the morning, when everyone else is used to being fast asleep...
I guess we will see.
One year ago today, I was still trying to make sense of love...and trying to love again...
Tomorrow night and Thursday night I am working overnight shifts at TCS. I am interested to see how this intentional insomnia will go. I have protein bars and energy drinks ready to go, just in case I have somehow managed to "cure" the worst of my insomnia...just in case I can't just turn it on when necessary like I have done in the past.
While my insomnia has been painful and lonely at times, I have definitely gotten used to it, and take advantage of it when I can. It is nice to know when I need to stay awake for 65 hours straight--I can!
I wonder what it will be like to be around other people who live a fairly "normal" schedule...what will it be like in the early, early hours of the morning, when everyone else is used to being fast asleep...
I guess we will see.
One year ago today, I was still trying to make sense of love...and trying to love again...
Monday, October 18, 2010
Early Mornings...
I get to work on time now...that's a new thing. Especially given I have to be at work just before 5AM some days...
This morning was pretty chilly around 430. The air was crisp and cool, and it was dark. And I mean dark. I already miss the long summer hours..early sunrises and late sunsets...
It's kind of fun to get to watch the sunrise on these mornings...it reminds me of the days when my family would road trip down to Arizona for visits--we would start driving in the very early morning, and would catch the sunrise somewhere out along the highway in the middle of nowhere...so beautiful.
I don't know if I will ever get used to this schedule, but it is working out great for me so far. I don't mind the early mornings once I get moving, and I get to listen to fun music and be around great people.
I just don't imagine myself getting up too early on days I don't work...staying up late is way more fun.
This morning was pretty chilly around 430. The air was crisp and cool, and it was dark. And I mean dark. I already miss the long summer hours..early sunrises and late sunsets...
It's kind of fun to get to watch the sunrise on these mornings...it reminds me of the days when my family would road trip down to Arizona for visits--we would start driving in the very early morning, and would catch the sunrise somewhere out along the highway in the middle of nowhere...so beautiful.
I don't know if I will ever get used to this schedule, but it is working out great for me so far. I don't mind the early mornings once I get moving, and I get to listen to fun music and be around great people.
I just don't imagine myself getting up too early on days I don't work...staying up late is way more fun.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Sunday Best...
This morning I woke up, and had a flashback...back to the Sundays with my ex.
I don't know how else to say it, but we were basically different religions. I consider myself a non-denominational Christian and he was Catholic. Two very different things. So our deal was that we would go to his church for three weeks, and then my church for three weeks. (He and his family sang/ played instruments for the 'praise band' so that was his schedule.)
I remember miserable morning of getting up to be at mass by 745. I was "not allowed" to skip church--even a couple times when I was feeling sick I had to get up, and spend my morning amongst people who did not want me around in a church where I did not agree with all their teachings. My saving grace for those Sundays was the fact that I could come back home and sleep after brunch.
After a while of not being allowed to "call in sick" to church, I started volunteering to work Sunday mornings. I began to enjoy working on those morning more than being at church...
For "my" church, we never went. I stopped going to church my senior year of high school, and have not really found a reason to go back. But that can be another post. ;-)
Nonetheless, it was so calming and so freeing to realize that life is not what mine is anymore. It was great to realize that I didn't have to get out of bed early just to spend my morning being torn down.
Life has changed so much, and I am so happy for it.
I don't know how else to say it, but we were basically different religions. I consider myself a non-denominational Christian and he was Catholic. Two very different things. So our deal was that we would go to his church for three weeks, and then my church for three weeks. (He and his family sang/ played instruments for the 'praise band' so that was his schedule.)
I remember miserable morning of getting up to be at mass by 745. I was "not allowed" to skip church--even a couple times when I was feeling sick I had to get up, and spend my morning amongst people who did not want me around in a church where I did not agree with all their teachings. My saving grace for those Sundays was the fact that I could come back home and sleep after brunch.
After a while of not being allowed to "call in sick" to church, I started volunteering to work Sunday mornings. I began to enjoy working on those morning more than being at church...
For "my" church, we never went. I stopped going to church my senior year of high school, and have not really found a reason to go back. But that can be another post. ;-)
Nonetheless, it was so calming and so freeing to realize that life is not what mine is anymore. It was great to realize that I didn't have to get out of bed early just to spend my morning being torn down.
Life has changed so much, and I am so happy for it.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Sunshine and Things...
Today was just a fun day of window shopping. Another relaxing Saturday free from work and obligation.
Last night we cleaned up my parents' basement. With three kids moving back in and out, it had gotten into quite a disarray. So Ryan and I reorganized, vacuumed and cleaned up what we could. It is looking pretty good, I will finish all that's left at the beginning of the week. It is nice to be in a clean, organized space :-)
I am loving weekends. I know that I write about it every weekend, but that's only because I am not used to not working on weekends...and so I am loving every moment of it!!
So I hope you all are enjoying your weekends as much as I am. If not, do something different. Weekends are too wonderful to no be enjoying them!
Last night we cleaned up my parents' basement. With three kids moving back in and out, it had gotten into quite a disarray. So Ryan and I reorganized, vacuumed and cleaned up what we could. It is looking pretty good, I will finish all that's left at the beginning of the week. It is nice to be in a clean, organized space :-)
I am loving weekends. I know that I write about it every weekend, but that's only because I am not used to not working on weekends...and so I am loving every moment of it!!
So I hope you all are enjoying your weekends as much as I am. If not, do something different. Weekends are too wonderful to no be enjoying them!
Friday, October 15, 2010
I Don't Know How To Do This...
I seem to be able to get only so far, and then I hit a wall...a big one I can't climb over.
I am very independent. Very. People who know me well won't find that surprising whatsoever. I am used to taking care of myself...I am used to doing everything on my own. While I think that it is not necessarily always a bad thing, it does bring forth some problems...
I am used to being the only person that I can completely trust. I am used to never asking for help--if there is something that has to be done, I will find a way to make it happen on my own. I don't want to "owe" anyone anything, I don't want to have to rely on other people just to be let down...but...
I have someone I have realized won't let me go it all alone. I push them away in my dark hours, in my lonely moments...and they bust in with a flashlight and a blanket. I push them away with my unintentional silence and sadness, and they burst into song and dance to make me laugh...
And when I am at my lowest, when I can't see the sunshine...he holds me close and tells me he loves me, and the sun will be high in the sky before I know it.
I don't know how to do this.
I don't know how to truly, fully rely on another person.
I don't know how to trust someone more than I trust myself--it leaves me feeling vulnerable...scared.
I don't know how to squash the fear that boils up and out of my heart.
I don't know how to kill the uneasiness and anxiety that envelops my guts.
I don't know how to let myself leap and fall, knowing I won't be able to catch myself.
I don't know how it could be possible to find someone who loves me as much as Ryan does...
I don't know how I could not give my all to try my best to do this.
I saw a saying once...and I love it.
"Love is foolish...but I still might try it sometime."
Fidelity
by Regina Spektor
(Shake it up)
I never loved nobody fully,
Always one foot on the ground.
And by protecting my heart truly,
I got lost in the sounds.
I hear in my mind,
All these voices.
I hear in my mind,
All these words.
I hear in my mind,
All this music,
And it breaks my heart.
And it breaks my heart.
And it breaks my heart.
It breaks my heart.
And suppose I never ever met you.
Suppose we never fell in love.
Suppose I never ever let you,
Kiss me so sweet, and so soft.
Suppose I never ever saw you.
Suppose we never ever called.
Suppose I kept on singing love songs,
Just to break my own fall.
Just to break my fall.
Just to break my fall.
Break my fall.
Break my fall.
All my friends say that of course
It's gonna get better,
Gonna get better,
Better, better, better, better,
Better, better, better.
I never loved nobody fully,
Always one foot on the ground.
And by protecting my heart truly,
I got lost in the sounds.
I hear in my mind,
All these voices.
I hear in my mind,
All these words.
I hear in my mind,
All this music,
And it breaks my heart,
It breaks my heart.
I hear in my mind,
All of these voices.
I heart in my mind,
All of these words.
I hear in my mind,
All of this music.
And it breaks my heart.
Breaks my
Heart.
Breaks my heart.
(Don't forget to follow the link to watch the video...it's super fun and cute.)
I am very independent. Very. People who know me well won't find that surprising whatsoever. I am used to taking care of myself...I am used to doing everything on my own. While I think that it is not necessarily always a bad thing, it does bring forth some problems...
I am used to being the only person that I can completely trust. I am used to never asking for help--if there is something that has to be done, I will find a way to make it happen on my own. I don't want to "owe" anyone anything, I don't want to have to rely on other people just to be let down...but...
I have someone I have realized won't let me go it all alone. I push them away in my dark hours, in my lonely moments...and they bust in with a flashlight and a blanket. I push them away with my unintentional silence and sadness, and they burst into song and dance to make me laugh...
And when I am at my lowest, when I can't see the sunshine...he holds me close and tells me he loves me, and the sun will be high in the sky before I know it.
I don't know how to do this.
I don't know how to truly, fully rely on another person.
I don't know how to trust someone more than I trust myself--it leaves me feeling vulnerable...scared.
I don't know how to squash the fear that boils up and out of my heart.
I don't know how to kill the uneasiness and anxiety that envelops my guts.
I don't know how to let myself leap and fall, knowing I won't be able to catch myself.
I don't know how it could be possible to find someone who loves me as much as Ryan does...
I don't know how I could not give my all to try my best to do this.
I saw a saying once...and I love it.
"Love is foolish...but I still might try it sometime."
Fidelity
by Regina Spektor
(Shake it up)
I never loved nobody fully,
Always one foot on the ground.
And by protecting my heart truly,
I got lost in the sounds.
I hear in my mind,
All these voices.
I hear in my mind,
All these words.
I hear in my mind,
All this music,
And it breaks my heart.
And it breaks my heart.
And it breaks my heart.
It breaks my heart.
And suppose I never ever met you.
Suppose we never fell in love.
Suppose I never ever let you,
Kiss me so sweet, and so soft.
Suppose I never ever saw you.
Suppose we never ever called.
Suppose I kept on singing love songs,
Just to break my own fall.
Just to break my fall.
Just to break my fall.
Break my fall.
Break my fall.
All my friends say that of course
It's gonna get better,
Gonna get better,
Better, better, better, better,
Better, better, better.
I never loved nobody fully,
Always one foot on the ground.
And by protecting my heart truly,
I got lost in the sounds.
I hear in my mind,
All these voices.
I hear in my mind,
All these words.
I hear in my mind,
All this music,
And it breaks my heart,
It breaks my heart.
I hear in my mind,
All of these voices.
I heart in my mind,
All of these words.
I hear in my mind,
All of this music.
And it breaks my heart.
Breaks my
Heart.
Breaks my heart.
(Don't forget to follow the link to watch the video...it's super fun and cute.)
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Fall is Love...
Every year, somehow I forget how much I love fall in Colorado. I love the crispness of the cooler air, the brightness of the changing leaves, the cool breezes under the warm sun...
The multitude of blues in the sky juxtaposed against the bright earth tones all around...
If only this were as cold as it gets. If only it could just stay like this all winter...and we could skip the endless nights, they all too short days, the ice and snow...the barren trees and dead grass...the emptiness...
I love this time of year...I always forget. Probably because winter will be here all too soon..
The multitude of blues in the sky juxtaposed against the bright earth tones all around...
If only this were as cold as it gets. If only it could just stay like this all winter...and we could skip the endless nights, they all too short days, the ice and snow...the barren trees and dead grass...the emptiness...
I love this time of year...I always forget. Probably because winter will be here all too soon..
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Passed 400...
I officially have more than 400 blog posts...crazy!!
It may be weird (or unintentional narcissism) but I really love going back and reading through past posts. It helps give me a sense of perspective as well as a sense of accomplishment...not only have I written all that has been happening in my life, but I have also survived all of it!!
I am looking forward to the posts I will get to write in the future....I am looking forward to what my life holds...I think it is going to be a great adventure!!
It may be weird (or unintentional narcissism) but I really love going back and reading through past posts. It helps give me a sense of perspective as well as a sense of accomplishment...not only have I written all that has been happening in my life, but I have also survived all of it!!
I am looking forward to the posts I will get to write in the future....I am looking forward to what my life holds...I think it is going to be a great adventure!!
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
How Do You Like Your Meat?
I was driving home from TCS today, and on my way around to 96th, I came across a semi facing the other direction on a divided cloverleaf...
The semi had tried to take a really tight cloverleaf through a highly landscaped area--so there were hills as well as the usual trees, etc. Well, the semi's trailer had gotten caught up on one of the hills, so the trailer was tilted at about a 35 degree angle, looking as though it might tip right over at any time.
As I continued to drive past the semi, I realized that this was no ordinary trailer--it was a livestock trailer. My heart filled with dread as I came around the side...and sure enough, I saw the bodies of cows pressed way up against the wall, and I heard a chorus of moo's as I drove past...
I was infuriated. I wanted to stop and point out the indecency in the idiocy. No one seemed the least bit worried about the cows...I bet everyone was far more concerned with the landscaping at their precious mall...
Looking into a livestock trailer as I was driving past it was my last straw--it pushed me over the edge into becoming a vegetarian. I remember looking in and seeing an eye...a terrified, lonely eye....
All my thoughts and feelings concerning animal souls aside...this is another reason why I don't eat meat. The transport and slaughter of animals in this country is atrocious and often very inhumane. Want to read a little about it? Try Animals in Translation by Temple Grandin. I bet you'll learn something about yourself too.
I think of our society, and how everyone is toting karma and zen around in their handbags like it's going to give their lives meaning and purpose, as well as make them fashionable. My thought is, do you really want to put this kind of energy into your body? Not only the caloric energy of antibiotic laced, malnourished cow meat; but also the not-so-tangible energy of a being that was mistreated in life, carelessly transported and brutally killed. Sounds super zen and like great karma, right?
So, how do you like your meat? Mooing on the side of the road as it stands--scared and confused in a trailer that is half-tilted? Or do you like your chicken packed so tightly into hen houses that they nervously peck at each other, eventually plucking most of each others' feathers out whilst trying to calm their neurosis? Or do you like your pig squealing...in such a manner that even the people who have been working the slaughter floor for years still react to the noise?
If you'd rather watch a movie than read, try Food, Inc. I still have nightmares about the bit with the cow and the forklift...
I encourage you to think twice about what you eat. Even if you never have any intention of becoming a vegetarian. Think about where it came from, the life it led, and the death it had to face.
Then think about if you really want to support such practices.
There are better ways of doing things...
Thank you.
The semi had tried to take a really tight cloverleaf through a highly landscaped area--so there were hills as well as the usual trees, etc. Well, the semi's trailer had gotten caught up on one of the hills, so the trailer was tilted at about a 35 degree angle, looking as though it might tip right over at any time.
As I continued to drive past the semi, I realized that this was no ordinary trailer--it was a livestock trailer. My heart filled with dread as I came around the side...and sure enough, I saw the bodies of cows pressed way up against the wall, and I heard a chorus of moo's as I drove past...
I was infuriated. I wanted to stop and point out the indecency in the idiocy. No one seemed the least bit worried about the cows...I bet everyone was far more concerned with the landscaping at their precious mall...
Looking into a livestock trailer as I was driving past it was my last straw--it pushed me over the edge into becoming a vegetarian. I remember looking in and seeing an eye...a terrified, lonely eye....
All my thoughts and feelings concerning animal souls aside...this is another reason why I don't eat meat. The transport and slaughter of animals in this country is atrocious and often very inhumane. Want to read a little about it? Try Animals in Translation by Temple Grandin. I bet you'll learn something about yourself too.
I think of our society, and how everyone is toting karma and zen around in their handbags like it's going to give their lives meaning and purpose, as well as make them fashionable. My thought is, do you really want to put this kind of energy into your body? Not only the caloric energy of antibiotic laced, malnourished cow meat; but also the not-so-tangible energy of a being that was mistreated in life, carelessly transported and brutally killed. Sounds super zen and like great karma, right?
So, how do you like your meat? Mooing on the side of the road as it stands--scared and confused in a trailer that is half-tilted? Or do you like your chicken packed so tightly into hen houses that they nervously peck at each other, eventually plucking most of each others' feathers out whilst trying to calm their neurosis? Or do you like your pig squealing...in such a manner that even the people who have been working the slaughter floor for years still react to the noise?
If you'd rather watch a movie than read, try Food, Inc. I still have nightmares about the bit with the cow and the forklift...
I encourage you to think twice about what you eat. Even if you never have any intention of becoming a vegetarian. Think about where it came from, the life it led, and the death it had to face.
Then think about if you really want to support such practices.
There are better ways of doing things...
Thank you.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Another week...
Mondays...they aren't super fun, are they?
At least today wasn't too bad for me. I got to spend the morning at CU, then got my tattoo touched up, did my nanny gig for a while, then was done with work for the day--which is awesome!
I find it so odd to think of time passing...whether it's going by slowly or quickly...it is funny to think that it all passes at exactly the same rate, it's just relative.
The work week, when I'm in the midst of it, seems to go by so slowly. Then by the time the weekend rolls around...those one or two days just fly by so quickly. I feel as though I hardly have time to think!!
Well, here goes another week, looking forward to another weekend!
At least today wasn't too bad for me. I got to spend the morning at CU, then got my tattoo touched up, did my nanny gig for a while, then was done with work for the day--which is awesome!
I find it so odd to think of time passing...whether it's going by slowly or quickly...it is funny to think that it all passes at exactly the same rate, it's just relative.
The work week, when I'm in the midst of it, seems to go by so slowly. Then by the time the weekend rolls around...those one or two days just fly by so quickly. I feel as though I hardly have time to think!!
Well, here goes another week, looking forward to another weekend!
Sunday, October 10, 2010
10.10.10...
I love having weekend days free...it is marvelous.
Days off still seem like such a novelty--a phenomenon to me. What do you mean there are days I don't have to work anywhere?? What??
Today was a lovely Sunday spent with Ryan. I really enjoy having free time that we can spend together, and adventure together.
I am especially looking forward to next weekend...when I have 2 whole days off!!!
My thought for the day...what were YOU doing at 10:10 on 10.10.10?
Days off still seem like such a novelty--a phenomenon to me. What do you mean there are days I don't have to work anywhere?? What??
Today was a lovely Sunday spent with Ryan. I really enjoy having free time that we can spend together, and adventure together.
I am especially looking forward to next weekend...when I have 2 whole days off!!!
My thought for the day...what were YOU doing at 10:10 on 10.10.10?
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Rushing Around...and Stress...
I have been rushing from job, to job, to job all day yesterday and today. Yesterday I went straight from CU to TCS (The Container Store), and this morning I went in to the Rec Center and rushed straight from there to TCS...and straight from there I rushed to Ryan's parents' house for dinner...I don't do well with all this sort of thing...
I get anxious...in social situations. Even at work...I have to take time to prepare myself. And if I get overwhelmed with people--I find a quiet aisle to straighten for a bit before venturing out again.
I like time to breathe and process...all this rushing about does not accommodate that.
Some days, my neurosis kill me.
Today is definitely one of those days...
I get anxious...in social situations. Even at work...I have to take time to prepare myself. And if I get overwhelmed with people--I find a quiet aisle to straighten for a bit before venturing out again.
I like time to breathe and process...all this rushing about does not accommodate that.
Some days, my neurosis kill me.
Today is definitely one of those days...
Friday, October 8, 2010
Back at CU...
Today I got to go back to CU and work for a day...I get to go back for half a day on Monday as well.
It was really wonderful to get to see everyone again, and it was fun to get to do some sewing. I haven't done much sewing at all over the past few months...it has been nice.
My wrist has not really bothered me since I stopped stitching as my everyday career. I shocked it a bit in Utah when I fell once, but it was fine in an hour or so. But I hardly ever lose feeling in my hand and fingers, which used to be a regular sensation...
I enjoy sewing again, which is amazing. It was fun to do a little problem solving...and enjoy a little blast from the past.
There are time I really miss my job. I do miss working more, and I miss the people dearly. But I greatly enjoy having the time for a social life, I am happy my wrist feels much better, and I am glad that I no longer dread sewing.
I miss it all sometimes...but I know I made the right choice.
It was really wonderful to get to see everyone again, and it was fun to get to do some sewing. I haven't done much sewing at all over the past few months...it has been nice.
My wrist has not really bothered me since I stopped stitching as my everyday career. I shocked it a bit in Utah when I fell once, but it was fine in an hour or so. But I hardly ever lose feeling in my hand and fingers, which used to be a regular sensation...
I enjoy sewing again, which is amazing. It was fun to do a little problem solving...and enjoy a little blast from the past.
There are time I really miss my job. I do miss working more, and I miss the people dearly. But I greatly enjoy having the time for a social life, I am happy my wrist feels much better, and I am glad that I no longer dread sewing.
I miss it all sometimes...but I know I made the right choice.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Worry is Such a Silly Thing...
...and yet, I do it all the time.
And I worry about silly things too...
Like:
I worry every night that I am going to put my contacts back in the wrong side, so that only every other day are my contacts in the proper eyes.
I worry about missing cool numbers that pop on my odometer...like yesterday I missed 233233...I am waiting for 234567. But inevitably, I get distracted at the last moment and miss the number I have patiently waited for. (Before 234567, I am waiting for 233332....)
I worry about my cats, all the time. No, they are not spoiled--they just get everything that they deserve. ;-) I worry that they aren't getting enough attention, that they will get bitten by a very large spider, or that they will get injured in some freak accident...
I worry about shopping carts hitting the backs of my ankles. It really hurts!! And my youngest brother used to do it to me all the time as a kid, so now I will not walk in front of a cart.
I worry about misunderstanding music lyrics. As a writer, I feel I have an obligation to know exactly what was written and sung...but sometimes the lyrics are so hard to understand.
I do worry about normal things too, don't worry. ;-)
I worry about doing well at work...about getting enough hours and being the best I can be.
I worry about my family, and everything they have going on in their lives...
I worry about the future, what it holds...what it doesn't hold.
I worry that I am not good enough....
See, normal things...right?
I think about these sort of things when insomnia strikes. It's actually about 2AM right now...I worked a late night shift at work, came home and have not yet been tired. Kairi will force me to sleep soon, she likes her cuddle time!!
Worry is something we all do, I know. But what do you worry about that's silly?
And I worry about silly things too...
Like:
I worry every night that I am going to put my contacts back in the wrong side, so that only every other day are my contacts in the proper eyes.
I worry about missing cool numbers that pop on my odometer...like yesterday I missed 233233...I am waiting for 234567. But inevitably, I get distracted at the last moment and miss the number I have patiently waited for. (Before 234567, I am waiting for 233332....)
I worry about my cats, all the time. No, they are not spoiled--they just get everything that they deserve. ;-) I worry that they aren't getting enough attention, that they will get bitten by a very large spider, or that they will get injured in some freak accident...
I worry about shopping carts hitting the backs of my ankles. It really hurts!! And my youngest brother used to do it to me all the time as a kid, so now I will not walk in front of a cart.
I worry about misunderstanding music lyrics. As a writer, I feel I have an obligation to know exactly what was written and sung...but sometimes the lyrics are so hard to understand.
I do worry about normal things too, don't worry. ;-)
I worry about doing well at work...about getting enough hours and being the best I can be.
I worry about my family, and everything they have going on in their lives...
I worry about the future, what it holds...what it doesn't hold.
I worry that I am not good enough....
See, normal things...right?
I think about these sort of things when insomnia strikes. It's actually about 2AM right now...I worked a late night shift at work, came home and have not yet been tired. Kairi will force me to sleep soon, she likes her cuddle time!!
Worry is something we all do, I know. But what do you worry about that's silly?
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
As the Leaves Change...
As the leaves change,
So do I.
They slowly shed
Their shimmering summer skin,
All waxy and green,
And trade it for
Brightly colored fall coats,
Which last only a moment
Before they fall away...
Their fall coats,
In all their brilliance,
Do not last,
They cannot last....
It is a sign they are done...
They are dying.
As the leaves change,
So do I.
As each evening
The sun sets sooner,
The darkness grow darker,
The days and nights
Grow colder...
I shed my own summer skin,
Wishing I could instead
Keep it on forever...
Never having to don
My fall coats...
And my winter coats...
As the leaves change,
So do I...
But not so brightly,
Not so gracefully.
I change with the winds
Blowing in cold snows...
And as my body shivers
And shakes with the cold,
My heart grows cold
And empty,
Longing...
For the long summer days,
The blistering heat of day,
The radiating warmth in the night...
As the leaves change,
So do I.
My mind grows cloudy,
Like the days.
Days and days
And days and days
Without sunshine...
My soul feels brittle,
Almost broken underfoot,
Crushed,
Like the autumn leaves--
Once so bright and festive.
My soul feels bare,
Like the limbs of the trees
Once brightly adorned
With shimmering green leaves...
As the leaves change,
So do I.
I will wait...
I will watch...
For the tiny buds of spring
To fight their way through the cold
Through the winter...
Until they blossom,
Into beautiful
Glistening green leaves
Rustling in the summer breeze.
As the leaves change,
So do I....
So do I.
They slowly shed
Their shimmering summer skin,
All waxy and green,
And trade it for
Brightly colored fall coats,
Which last only a moment
Before they fall away...
Their fall coats,
In all their brilliance,
Do not last,
They cannot last....
It is a sign they are done...
They are dying.
As the leaves change,
So do I.
As each evening
The sun sets sooner,
The darkness grow darker,
The days and nights
Grow colder...
I shed my own summer skin,
Wishing I could instead
Keep it on forever...
Never having to don
My fall coats...
And my winter coats...
As the leaves change,
So do I...
But not so brightly,
Not so gracefully.
I change with the winds
Blowing in cold snows...
And as my body shivers
And shakes with the cold,
My heart grows cold
And empty,
Longing...
For the long summer days,
The blistering heat of day,
The radiating warmth in the night...
As the leaves change,
So do I.
My mind grows cloudy,
Like the days.
Days and days
And days and days
Without sunshine...
My soul feels brittle,
Almost broken underfoot,
Crushed,
Like the autumn leaves--
Once so bright and festive.
My soul feels bare,
Like the limbs of the trees
Once brightly adorned
With shimmering green leaves...
As the leaves change,
So do I.
I will wait...
I will watch...
For the tiny buds of spring
To fight their way through the cold
Through the winter...
Until they blossom,
Into beautiful
Glistening green leaves
Rustling in the summer breeze.
As the leaves change,
So do I....
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Facebook....
I will be the first to admit that I am slightly addicted to facebook (I say slightly because I am on there WAY less now than I used to be.) I love the fact that I can check up on all my friends and family in the same place, let everyone know what I am basically up to, and stalk all my friends who have moved away through all the pictures they have posted. (Emmy!!!)
But, as much as I love facebook, I try to post very little about myself there. Some people post everything--every tiny detail of their new relationship (or break-up), where they ate lunch and where they are hanging out all night, what they think of politics, and even where they spend their time (*cough* farmville...).
So, if you are one of those people who normally only knows the facebook me, it's about to get a lot more personal. This is my personal turf, this is where I put anything and everything I want to talk about in life...and in my life.
Hopefully, you will enjoy it. And maybe you will even find it useful.
Thanks for visiting! I hope you keep coming back!
But, as much as I love facebook, I try to post very little about myself there. Some people post everything--every tiny detail of their new relationship (or break-up), where they ate lunch and where they are hanging out all night, what they think of politics, and even where they spend their time (*cough* farmville...).
So, if you are one of those people who normally only knows the facebook me, it's about to get a lot more personal. This is my personal turf, this is where I put anything and everything I want to talk about in life...and in my life.
Hopefully, you will enjoy it. And maybe you will even find it useful.
Thanks for visiting! I hope you keep coming back!
Monday, October 4, 2010
Fear of Success...
I have been pondering some stuff lately...mostly just some of my habits that I have fallen into.
I have a tendency to procrastinate...in case you haven't noticed. I am great at starting projects, but then I sometimes start to slack on continuing them...and so I decided to try to figure out why this had become a pattern for me.
I started by thinking if I did this because I was afraid of failing. It kind of made sense, because if I didn't really start anything, I wouldn't be responsible for finishing it. You can't fail if you don't try, right?
But that didn't completely add up to me. I am always ready to start something. If you asked me to assemble a car tomorrow, I would try it. I will try anything once...sometimes even more than once just to make sure.
So, I pondered what the flip side of that coin might be...and of course came to a fear of success, which I have been pondering over the last few days.
I think that I have become comfortable...I enjoy having free time to spend with Ryan, time to write, time to breathe and think. I have come to enjoy spending time with friends, having time to call and chat, and having a social life.
I think that my fear of success stems from a fear of losing all of that free time. If I become successful, will I be to busy for all of that? Will work once again consume my life? Will I lose all of the ground I have gained?
I am not sure. But I am going to try it anyway. I am going to work my hardest to be as successful as possible...as long as I still have the time I need for me...and the time for all I want and need.
I have a tendency to procrastinate...in case you haven't noticed. I am great at starting projects, but then I sometimes start to slack on continuing them...and so I decided to try to figure out why this had become a pattern for me.
I started by thinking if I did this because I was afraid of failing. It kind of made sense, because if I didn't really start anything, I wouldn't be responsible for finishing it. You can't fail if you don't try, right?
But that didn't completely add up to me. I am always ready to start something. If you asked me to assemble a car tomorrow, I would try it. I will try anything once...sometimes even more than once just to make sure.
So, I pondered what the flip side of that coin might be...and of course came to a fear of success, which I have been pondering over the last few days.
I think that I have become comfortable...I enjoy having free time to spend with Ryan, time to write, time to breathe and think. I have come to enjoy spending time with friends, having time to call and chat, and having a social life.
I think that my fear of success stems from a fear of losing all of that free time. If I become successful, will I be to busy for all of that? Will work once again consume my life? Will I lose all of the ground I have gained?
I am not sure. But I am going to try it anyway. I am going to work my hardest to be as successful as possible...as long as I still have the time I need for me...and the time for all I want and need.
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