Alcohol...Revisited...

Well, I have thought about this for a while...my whole goal was to not drink until I moved...so what do I do now that I am not moving?

In my original post, Alcohol, I was exploring why I felt the need to drink, and why I hated to drink. So what do I feel now, having spent nearly 3 months sober?

I feel as though I have proven to myself what I needed to...

I don't need alcohol.
I don't need it to have fun.
I don't need it to relax.
I don't need it to relieve my OCD tendencies.
I don't need it to feel comfortable in social situations.
I don't need it to make people think that I am fun.
I don't need it to fit in with everyone else.

So, given that tomorrow was my intended moving day, I feel I can count my "sober summer" a success. Do I feel like I *must* have a drink tomorrow? Absolutely not. I am sure there will still be plenty of times that I choose not to drink, and to me--that is another success.

I doubt that this is the end of my battle with alcohol. But I feel as though I have learned a lot about myself through this process, and I am ready to continue to take steps forward.

Cheers!

On Sadness...

Some days, I don't know what to write.

Over the years, I have taken solace in writing when I have been faced with pain and sorrow, grief and separation...

It has always been the times when I have been most content that I have had the most difficulty writing. And now that I feel more content than I have in years, I don't want to stop writing.

I have used writing to explore the depths of my sorrow, the loneliness of my solitude, the expansiveness of my grief, and the extent of my pain. It has been a coping tool for me--as long as I could analyze and express all of the sadness, then it all had meaning.

So what do I do now? How do I continue to write as my heart soars?

I have not often written about joy and happiness, and so I guess I will have to address it all as it comes along. I will attempt to explore the extent of my joy as I have explored the depths of my sorrows.

Because there is just as much meaning in the joy and contentedness...and I look forward to it.

Rain, Rain, Go Away...

Come again another day.
If you don't,
I don't care...
I'll pull down your underwear.

Yup, this is what runs through my head...

The rain was beautiful, lovely and cleansing. But it was also a huge pain to drive down the mountain in...

A Rose by any Other Name...

Today, I finally did it.

I finally finished changing my name...and it feels, actually not that different.

I changed my name with the DMV the day I got the divorce decree in the mail. But for some reason, going to the SSA was not high on my list of things I wanted to do...every time I thought about it, I would just get incredibly anxious.

So, this week I asked for some help. Just a push, to help get me out the door and just do it. And thankfully, I have someone who was willing to keep pushing even when I pushed back. So thank you. :-)

I did slightly feel like I was going to pass out at the window...why, I am not sure. All that pent up anxiety maybe....

But the good news is--I don't ever have to do it again!! And...I ran two laps around Erie Lake...well, I walked the last quarter each round. And then ran across a highway.

It's been a busy morning! ;-)

Traditions and Goodbyes...

I got to go out to the airport today to hang out with my Grandma for a while. First of all--I love driving to the airport. Second of all, I love being at the airport. And last but most importantly--I love spending time with my Grandma!!

It was great to just sit around and chat for a few hours between her flights. I am constantly reminded of how blessed I am to have her in my life, and that we are such close friends.

My Grandma and I have this tradition--we have done it ever since security changed and only people with boarding passes could go down the concourses. Every time, we wait in the security line together, continuing to chat and catch up. Then as we get to the end, we say our goodbyes. Then whoever is going on gets their boarding pass stamped and heads through security. The other one waits and watches until they are all the way through. Then whoever is on the other side of security turns around and finds a spot to look back--and then waves. We always find each other for that one last goodbye. Today it was my turn to wait for her to turn and wave, and it all brought back so many great memories.

I miss her so, but she will be here for a visit with us in just a couple weeks--I can't wait!!

Stories...

I just finished reading an amazingly inspiring book...one that reminded me of how much I have wanted out of life...

It's called A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller. It's basically about stories, and really about living a good story with your own life.

I found it incredibly inspiring--and motivating. It's one of those books that is full of everything that you should know, but either skip over in life or forget.

So I am now motivated to live a good story--to work to get what I want, to live contently, to not procrastinate...to do what I dream--simply because if I don't try, I'll never know what I can accomplish.

I realized so many of my hesitations have been because of a fear of failure. But then I had the thought....

When your biggest fear is failure, you tend to forget the amazing rewards that terrifying risks can bring.

I am now reaping the benefits of some terrifying risks...and I am so content....

This...this is going to be a great story.

Promise of Tomorrow...

It is nice...to see tomorrow looking so bright for once. To see it shining, like a bright sun on the horizon over the sea--so not only does the sky light up, but the sun's rays sparkle on the sea like diamonds...

Bright hopes for all my tomorrows...

Climbing and Falling...

Today I had the wonderful opportunity to go rock climbing--full on--with ropes and harnesses and everything!! It was amazing!

I forgot what it was like to be harnessed in, roped up...with no chance of falling...and I feel like I just had that same feeling in life come back to me.

I forgot what it was like to be loved with reckless abandonment...I forgot what it was like to be held, and to feel completely safe and harnessed in.

It's that feeling of seeing something to reach for--something that might be out of reach, but you won't know until you try--and finally just going for it, knowing that if you should fall, there is someone there to hold you up and keep you from falling too far.

It's a wonderful feeling...

Weddings and Rings, Promises and Things....

Weddings and rings,
With fond memories,
Of life and love,
And everything in between...

Vows spoken,
Promises never broken,
Kisses shared,
Hugs here and there...

Moments and laughter,
For here and after,
Secret smiles,
Sparkling eyes.

Congratulations Pooshie and CKOne! I am so very happy for you both!! xoxo

Wedding Bells...

I am about to pack up (a lot of stuff) and head up the mountains for Poosh's wedding! It is not until tomorrow, but I am heading up today for the rehearsal dinner and then to help with any last-minute things I can.

I am so excited...I had no idea how I would be feeling...this is only the second wedding I have been to since my divorce, but I think the fact that it is Poosh makes all the difference. :-)

I am so honored to get to be a part of her wedding. I am so fortunate to know Poosh, with her amazingly ever-positive attitude and constant go-getterness, anyone who gets to spend time with her is very blessed.

So, for the man who gets to spend every day of the rest of his life with her: If you ever make her cry, I will make you cry. Just joking (kind of). But seriously, I hope CK1 knows just how fortunate he is, and that he spends every day of his life loving Poosh as much as she deserves to be loved.

I am so excited!! Time to pack, and start the drive!!

Body and Mind...

I spent an hour today talking about my body in therapy.

It's not the first time, and I am sure it is not the last.


I am not sure how every else relates to their own body, but this is how I relate to mine:

My body, my physicality, is a vessel--a machine really. It is what gets me from point A to point B, it is what lets me run through the meadow and climb rocks. It is the means by which I get to experience life...but it is not me.

I don't look in the mirror and see myself. I look in the mirror and see a mass of bone, muscle and flesh...a body suitable for most adventures. A machine, ready to run, climb, skip, jump, twist and shout.

But I also don't see my body as others see it. My mind is stuck in another time, when I was not as healthy as I am now. (Not that I am super-healthy...I still have soy ice cream for breakfast some days...) But a time when I was not as fit.

So every mirror is a fun house mirror to me...I look into one, and I see some version of me, but not who I am told I really am....and not the me that I really know.

Free From Work...

Well, remember all those times I was working so much for so long, and all I wanted was some time off?

I have it now! Turns out I won't be working until Friday the 30th...turns out they don't need me to watch the kids until then, and of course I am done with CSF.

There is so much to do--I am going to do my best to get as much done as possible, instead of just lazing around.

My goal is to not procrastinate...cross your fingers for me!

Kitty Drool...

Today, I was petting Sora. He was very calm and content apparently...

...because when he shook his head, he flung kitty drool on me and my computer.

It was precious. And it made me smile. :-)

Driving...

Today I got to do some driving...and by driving I mean that I was a passenger...which is a wonderful change!

I do love to drive--I love being the person in the driver's seat, directing towards new adventures...but sometimes it is really nice to just sit...and look...and see all there is that is passing by.

It was really relaxing-and super beautiful. We drove from 100+ degrees to 65 and back up to 85. We hit blazing sunshine and pouring rain, steaming asphalt and walked around in civilization-free meadow.

It was a wonderful, amazing day.

I love having a weekend.

Star Wars....

I love Star Wars.

And tonight I got to watch Episodes IV-VI. It was awesome.

I am so fortunate too...I had someone wonderful to share it with.

Very happy memories!

Hopes and Dreams...

So many things finally seem feasible again.

The ability to love, to forgive, to forget, to move on, to dream....to be who it is I want to be, no longer feels like a far off thing.

It feels like today...it feels like this very moment.

Summer....

...I don't want it to end...

For so many reasons...

Pictures...

Ok, so I have really fallen behind in posting my pictures. So here's the deal: I have taken a picture a day, for sure. But, I don't know what picture goes with which day anymore.

So I am just going to post all the photos I have for like the last month--in whatever order seems fit. The days might not match up. I may totally get them out of order...but oh well.

I feel like Project 365 is still serving its purpose, because I still want to stop, take a look around, and observe what is going on in my life each day. It also pushes me to write here everyday--which I know is good for me.

So, thank you for your patience. Someday, I will get a new computer--and then daily updates will be much easier. :-)

Rings and Things...

A ring really doesn't mean a thing,
If the promises it is meant to hold,
Until the days you are beyond old;
Aren't something you can swing.

A perfect circle,
A tiny symbol...
One for me,
And one for you.

All it takes is one lie...
Maybe two,
To break our ties;
And separate me from you.

All it takes is one touch,
One moment of time--
No, it didn't take much,
For you to break this heart of mine.

So now I will send this ring away,
All it's promises hold no sway.
I will wait for a brand new day,
When truer words will come my way.
______________________________

I am finally doing it. I am letting go of my rings...and other things.

It feels....freeing. Like finally really letting go...

Like freeing up my hands to hold onto something real...something in this moment.

Fear...

Fear is the path to the dark side.
Fear leads to anger.
Anger leads to hate.
Hate leads to suffering.

Yoda, Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace

This is one of my favorite Star Wars quotes. I have to admit, I had to stop for a moment (and by that...I mean a day and a half) and regroup after I realized that it was in Episode 1. I am not a fan of that film...and I think that this is the most redeeming moment (and quite possibly the only moment worth watching) in the entirety of the film. But enough there--time to get back on track.

I have loved this quote from the moment I heard it. I love quotes, music lyrics, one liners--that mean something. Recently I read an entire book because of one line. It was worth it.

I find myself surprised by the fear I feel sometimes...

Recently, I felt myself cowering after a small incident. It was really nothing--I had no need to feel this way, but I felt very clearly like I had been transported to another time...another incident in which I did cower--and I needed to. It was what I imagine a beaten dog who has found a new home feels like...the new guardian may raise his hand to gesture, but the dog has been trained that a raised hand means a beating, so she tucks her tail between her legs and begins to prepare for the contact.

I was surprised to feel this...I had no idea that this was lurking deep down. I had no idea that I could feel this so clearly...

And so, I fear. And then I fear that it will lead to anger. And that my anger will lead to hatred...and then to suffering...

I feel that I know this as well as the 5 stages of Grief. I honestly feel as though I saw this in the failure of my marriage...

He was filled with fear...that I didn't know was there. He was afraid of taking chances, afraid of life, afraid of failure, afraid of how my mind worked, afraid of how many questions I asked, afraid of my dreams....afraid I would leave him.

So he became filled with anger. He became angry that I pushed him out of his comfort zone, angry that I continued to dream, angry that I never stopped asking questions, angry that he didn't understand how I worked, angry that I had fun with people besides him.

Eventually his anger turned to hate. He hated how much I dreamed, he hated my constant desire for adventure, he hated how I never stood still, he hated how I laughed with other people, he hated how he couldn't control me...

We suffered. He chose to do things he knew would hurt me. I lashed out and pushed myself away, which hurt him. We grew apart, but became more rooted in the suffering we were enduring.

Until it all broke.

So, I sit and wonder...how do I get rid of fear?

In high school, I was not taught that the opposite of love is hate. I was taught that the opposite of love is fear...that there can be no fear in love. I believe that...so does this mean that I have a problem accepting love?

How can I love...or be loved, with so much fear?

I don't doubt love anymore...I doubt myself.

Confusion sets in...

Contradictions, one way and then the other...

I guess that's life.

But I don't understand it...

What do you really think of me?

Sometimes All It Takes is a Walk Around the Lake...

Am I selfish?

Have I been selfish?

Maybe.

Probably.

I hope not.

I try not to be...

But that seems to be the theme for today. "Sorry, it's not all about you," and "You have been pretty selfish..."

These things are painful to hear, but it is not something I have heard in a long time. And maybe I needed to hear it so I could stop and evaluate if I am really that self-centered.

Then again...I start to wonder where the line is between being selfish, and taking care of oneself.

And I wonder which side of the line I am on.

Nothing Beats a First Kiss...

Except a second kiss...

And every one after that.

This Life...

I like this life...

This one of dreams, thoughts and conversations, kisses and hugs, early mornings and late nights, spoons, tickles and laughter...

This life where I hear my own voice. This life where I have a dream...where I have a direction all of my own--where I am deciding my own way, instead of following someone else...

I like this life. I like this road.

When I am alone, I don't hear your voice anymore...I hear my own.

When I am by myself, I don't see your dreams anymore...I dream my own.

When there's nothing but darkness--where I used to feel emptiness, I feel my own heartbeat.

I like this life.

I am sorry it's not what you wanted...

But this one's for me.

Don't fuck it up for me.

Thanks.

Two Roads...

Remember those two roads?

How do you choose?

How do you know when you have made the right choice?

How do you know if there is a right choice?

How do you know when to stop asking and just start doing?

When do you stop questioning yourself, and finally start believing in yourself?

Hauntings...

I am trying to move forward.

I am trying to leave my ghosts and demons behind...

But they continue to haunt me.

Things are starting to look up--the grass is greener, I feel more free...except I feel the weight of the chains of my past already holding me back. I feel much like Jacob Marley, or much how I would anticipate he would feel. I must keep moving forward, but one step forward requires a step or three backwards to balance...and the motion leaves me feeling sick to my stomach.

I am tired of the things that seem to bring me down...I am tired of my doubts...I am tired of not knowing what to do. I want to know what to look forward to. I want to know what I should do--what is best.

I wish I had a looking glass,

That told me right from wrong.

I wish I had a looking glass,

That helped me step along.

I'd hold the glass in my hand,

With full intent carefully glare,

Ask how I could understand...

Why is this not fair?

If I had a looking glass,

I'd hold it out for you.

I'd remind you that these things pass,

And there's not much we can do.

In the reflection of my looking glass,

Though this is what it should do--

I hope that it would show my mass;

That I would see me, and not you.

I am tired of the ghosts...the demons...the doubts. And I am tired of feeling like I am holding myself back with these things. I want to no longer be weighed down by them...I want to cut the strings like a kite string...and watch them all scatter away in the wind--flying higher and higher, until they are so small, they disappear into the deep blue of the summer sky.

One step forward...I know there will be more. But I also know they will require some steps backward...which is what I fear.

Wonderful Monday...

Today was a positively wonderful day...

And that's all I have to say! :-)

Independence Day...

One year ago, I had no idea the freedom that I would feel now.

It's kind of funny that Freedom Day is so close to the 4th of July. It kind of makes it into an almost week-long celebration.

I got to watch fireworks twice--once yesterday, and again tonight. It was wonderful, and beautiful. There's just something about it...feeling free...

I am so thankful to be where I am. I may not know where I am going...but I will know when I get there.

Spoons...

When I step outside,
And I smell the clean air after a nighttime rainstorm,
And I feel the cool air filling my lungs,
Giving me new life--
When the brisk morning air wraps around me,
The cool kissing my skin as the breeze wraps around me,
And then beyond me....
And I am warmed by the morning sunlight,
Feeling the radiating rays of the morning sun--
Warming me to the core, until I can feel the warmth in my marrow...

I imagine you holding me,
Wrapping your arms around me like you always did...
The feeling is the same...

...like a perfect summer morning that I never want to end.

So let me be your little spoon for a while,
And I will share my smiles...
Let me be close to you now...

This moment is all we have.

300

Wow...how have I made it to 300 posts?? This is spectacular!

I know I am WAY behind on my photos, but I will catch up, I promise. I have to buy a new external hard drive...my current one has bit the dust. It's gone to that big motherboard in the sky...

I am looking forward to pursuing my writing more in the coming months. I have always enjoyed writing, and I hope that somehow, I can do it much more often.

Thanks for reading! Pasta potato ya'll!

I Want to Know Everything...

I realized a couple of weeks ago that I really have a strong desire to know everything....

Not like, how the world will end, what everyone is doing at this exact moment (hopefully sleeping), or what will I do with my life--but the more curiouser things of life, like:

...how airplanes fly.
...how helicopters hover.
...why hearts break.
...why cats are inclined to constantly clean themselves.
...how book are bound.
...how thoughts are fired along neural pathways.
...how cells know when to divide.
...how batteries hold power.
...why people fall in love.
...why alarms clocks work for some people and not for others.
...why some people have insomnia.
...when macaroni and cheese was invented.
...where the quietest place on earth is.
...where the darkest place on earth is.
...why people like holding hands.
...how fishing line is made.
...why people make wishes on shooting stars....

And so much more. This is what my mind does...it constantly goes and goes...asking questions, begging for answers. I just wish I had more time to find the answers...

I want to know everything someday. I want to know every why and how...

Somehow.

I think my brain has space for it all...

Somewhere in Between

I can't be losing sleep over this, no I can't.
And now I cannot stop pacing.
Give me a few hours,
I'll have this all sorted out...
If my mind would just stop racing.

Cause I cannot stand still.
I can't be this unsturdy.
This cannot be happening...

This is over my head,
But underneath my feet.
And by tomorrow morning I'll have this thing beat,
And everything will be back to the way that it was...
I wish that it was just that easy.

Cause I'm waiting for tonight.
Then waiting for tomorrow...
And I'm somewhere in between,
What is real and just a dream,
What is real and just a dream,
What is real and just a dream.

Would you catch me if I fall out of what I fell in?
Don't be surprised if I collapse down at your feet again.
I don't want to run away from this...
I know that I just don't need this.

Cause I cannot stand still.
I can't be this unsturdy.
This cannot be happening.

Cause I'm waiting for tonight,
Then waiting for tomorrow.
And I'm somewhere in between,
What is real and just a dream,
What is real and just a dream,
What is real and just a dream.
What is real and just a dream.
___________________________________

Wide awake. Appropriate time stamp for today. I'm going grocery shopping.

Update: post-shopping:

It is now 3:50AM, and I am still feeling wide awake. While I was at the grocery store...I had a realization..

...this is kind of depressing.

At a time when people are curled up in their beds, warm and comfortable next to the ones they love, I am alone...at a 24-hour grocery store. Instead of sharing these late night moments with someone I care for, I am sharing them with strangers...

Now the people I run into at these hours, are not nearly as strange as you might think...oddly enough I feel very comfortable around them all. There is the younger woman with dark hair, highlighted with bright pink stripes--who is a good 6 inches shorter than I--she has a strong-willed attitude and doesn't take any crap from any of the other workers. But she is extremely friendly to everyone, and likes to make jokes and laugh. There is the fellow who is usually at the door when I walk in: I think he is mostly Hispanic, but he must have some Native American in his gene pool as well. But he always says hello and asks me how I am. Then there is the gentleman who usually wear a hat...he has a very meager beard, round face and glasses. Sometimes he is at the door, other times he is at register 18 (after midnight change-over anyway). He is very friendly, and likes to chat as much as possible. Tonight he wished me a "Good Morning" when I left, and I wished him the same--to which he replied "I'll sure try!"

It's kind of funny to be in a store at a time that is assumed no one will be there. I get to listen to the employees sing along to their stereos, which they have plugged in all over the store. I can hear them chatting about their personal lives from several aisles over, leaving me feeling like a spy...

It is also kind of nice to be in a store at a time that no one else is. I definitely have shopping ADD. I have a tendency to leave my cart somewhere, and browse for what I am looking for over several aisles. This works out really well at 3AM. There's no one to run into, no one to push my cart out of the way...no one to care that I just left my cart in the mathematical middle of the walkway...

But it is still depressing. Not only do I wander the food aisles and get reminded of all I can't and don't want to eat, but also it is still all very, very lonely.

I wonder if the people who work this late at the grocery store ever get lonely...