Monday, August 31, 2009

Life Less Ordinary

Life Less Ordinary
by Carbon Leaf

Live a life less ordinary,
Live a life extraordinary with me.
Live a life less sedentary,
Live a life evolutionary with me.
Well I hate to be a bother,
But it's you and there's no other, I do believe.
You can call me naive but...
I know me very well (at least as far as I can tell),
And I know what I need.

The night you came into my life,
Well it took the bones of me, took the bones of me.
You blew away my storm and strife,
And shook the bones of me, shook the bones of me.
By the way, I do know why you stayed away...
I will keep tongue-tied next time.

Live a life less ordinary,
Live a life extraordinary with me.
My face had said too much,
Before our hands could even touch,
To greet a 'hello'
(So much for going slow...).
A little later on that year,
I told you that I loved you dear,
What do you know?
This you weren't prepared to hear.
I'm a saddened man, I'm a broken boy,
I'm a toddler with a complex toy,
I've fallen apart, since the ambush of your heart.

The night you came into my life,
Well it took the bones of me, took the bones of me.
You blew away my storm and strife,
And shook the bones of me, shook the bones of me.
By the way, I do know why you stayed away,
I will keep tongue-tied but...

Honey understand, honey understand,
I won't make demands.
Honey understand, honey understand,
We could walk without a plan.
Honey understand (honey), honey understand,
I won't rest in stone all alone.
Honey understand, honey understand,
I'm all ready to go...
But you already know...

Live a life less ordinary,
Live a life extraordinary with me.
If I could name you in this song,
Would it make you smile and sing along?
This is the goal: to get into your soul.
If I could make you dance for joy,
Could that be the second-chance decoy?
The bird-in-hand I would need
To help you understand?

The night you came into my life,
Well it took the bones of me, took the bones of me.
You blew away my storm and strife,
And shook the bones of me, shook the bones of me.
By the way, I do know why you stayed away,
I will keep tongue-tied next time
.
_________________________________________________________________

I heard this song for the first time Saturday while I was climbing....and I think it fits so many things so well...

It fits a current moment...one that is passing I fear.

It fits what I want...I want someone who will live a life less ordinary with me. Someone who will want to live a life extraordinary with me.

Climbing today was another great experience. It was great to climb with great friends, although all did not come with us and not all decided to make the climb through the entire cave...it was amazing.

When we got to the sheer rock walls, one friend decided he would not attempt to climb it at all. So he climbed out and waited on the top of the rocks for us. My other friend I felt almost decided the same...but he started to give it a go. He was nervous because he could not see anything--I kept telling him that I could see, and he was fine. Finally, I told him I would drop down and be his guide...that he could use my shoulders to stand on. So I did just that, and we made it through with his feet planted on my shoulders.

The rest of the dark sections were a challenge, but I was able to lead him through and we both made it through safely.

Believe it or not, this has everything to do with the song.

I realized today that moment kind of describes how I want to be with my future significant other...I want them to trust me to lead them through what I know. That I will hold them up when the ground below is too far....that I can see and I will not let them fall.

But I want the same in return--when they can see, they will lead me. Carry me as far as I need help with.

I want someone who can take care of me....someone who wants to. but oftentimes I wonder if I make it too difficult to care for me....

I regularly think that the only person I know I can rely on is myself. I am trying to change that.

I need someone who want to live a life less ordinary with me...live a life extraordinary with me.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Spelunking...and some rock climbing

I love the outdoors...desert, mountains, ocean--I love it all. I just loving being outside enjoying the beauty of the world.

Today I got to do one of my favorite activities....spelunking...and rock climbing. My big risk for the day was going alone--and don't worry anyone--I won't be doing that again. I had someone to go with me, but they canceled last minute, so please--don't berate me for going alone. It was not what i had intended.

That being said--I am really glad I went alone. It was an amazing experience for me. Mentally, spiritually, physically, emotionally--it was good to be alone.

This cave (not totally a cave, but that is what I am going to call it) is one that I climbed quite a few times in high school, so I was somewhat familiar with it. But I haven't climbed it in....oh, probably about 9 years. So my memories of what it all was like was a little fuzzy. I remembered bits and pieces of it, but they were out of order--so I was looking for the wrong things at the wrong time. But I finally figured it all out.

The most intense experiences of today were wrapped up in darkness. There is this section of the cave that is essentially completely dark, and so for someone who was not entirely sure of the path--quite scary. I got to one point--2 sheer walls spaced anywhere from 15-24 inches apart, with a drop of about 12-15 feet. I looked at it...recognized it, but couldn't remember what came after it. Staring down the crevice, I thought, "Well, if I go down there...can I climb back up? Not totally sure, but we'll make it work."

So I went down and across--just the way I remembered. And then I reached another part I remembered--a slide-like shaft which was fairly wide, about 15-20 feet down, but with an opening only about 20 inches deep. Again I thought, "If I go down there, and there's no way out, can I climb back up?" I decided what the hell, and went down anyway.

Once I reached the bottom, I stopped and took a look around. I was on solid ground. Dirt and rock. I looked right--no way out. I looked left--no way out. All I saw was a small hole on the side of the floor, and in looking down I could see no sunlight and only dirt...so I figured I had taken a wrong turn.

Now...to add to the drama: I have a backpack with me. It is almost pitch black in this section (I was using the flash on my camera to find my way...). And it has started to thunder...and lightning...and rain.

So I thought, "Well, crap. Dead end--now I really do have to climb back up and out...." So I climbed up the first section without much problem. The side section had plenty of hold and was much wider than the rest. Then I get back to the two sheer walls...and I begin to wonder how I am going to get out with no holds...and rain. All the while the thunder and lightning continues.

I decide there's no other option--so I gotta find a way. I brace myself between the two walls, and start to shimmy myself across. I am still a couple feet too low, so I try to work myself up as I go. My knee caps are screaming as I continually crush them into the rock wall, and my arms are burning from holding me up for so long. I reach the end, and I am still a good 12 inches too low. So I start to stretch, trying to reach a hand hold. I get a shaky one, and then try to work my foot up. All the while I can see the rain coming down with flashes of lightning here and there and my heart is pounding because I am not sure I can pull myself out of this hole.

After a few minutes of shimmying, and desperation...I finally work myself out...for at least 10 minutes I was not sure I was going to be able to climb back out. So as I am gasping for air and listening to my heart pound...I just lean against the cool rock and let the rain fall on my face. But I am not done yet. I have to find the end so I can lead my friends through this path tomorrow.

I decide that I will find the end and climb the path backwards so I can find where the paths meet, because obviously I am missing something. This decision entails climbing all the way back out of the cave, around the rocks, and back up in a different section...including climbing up the remains of a dead tree.

I get to the bottom, and can't find the way up because once again, I am in total darkness. After taking a few pictures, I finally see the path up. I try to find some holds....and there are none. The rock has been worn smooth by others sliding down. I twist and turn and finally find one hold...for my left hand. There's no way my left hand can pull me up, so I decide to just take a look around and see if I can recognize some landmarks to look for. Snap a couple pictures, and head back around to climb through the beginning again.

I go through the sheer rock walls and down the rock slide...and again end up where I think there is no escape. But I look again at that small opening in the floor. Pull out my camera, and lo and behold--that little opening is exactly what I am looking for!

I work myself into the opening, backpack and all--the opening is only about 40 inches wide and about 15 inches deep, but 12 feet down. A tight squeeze. From being at the bottom I know that the rock under me disappears about 4 feet from the ground...so I am going to have to do it blind. Nonetheless, I venture down. I slide a little too quickly and end up scraping my back a bit, but with very little drama I slide out at the bottom, and give a little victory yelp as I crawl my way back out into the sunshine.

The rain and lightning have stopped, and now there is beautiful sunshine. The air is clean and crisp and still smells of the rain. It is a glorious moment as I realize that I have climbed the whole cave alone. And I survived.

I climb out and onto some rocks in the sun, and write for a while. The breeze was blowing sweetly, the songs on my ipod just right for the moment, and the quiet of the world soothed my soul. All too soon I found myself needing to leave to drive back down into reality...but it wasn't too difficult knowing I would be back within 24 hours.

It was an amazing day. Between the uncertainty, learning to trust my instincts, relying on myself to have the strength I needed, and the overall success of the day--I found another piece of my heart and soul. And it was beautiful.

I can't wait to share it with my best friends.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Igloo 6

I stand alone again,
In the midst of the cold rain.
I knew that not every day
Would be filled with sun.
Deep down I still remember,
That there is more sun out here
Than there was inside....

But my heart wonders....
How much can hope endure?
What is too much for one to take?

I know it is better here.
The only puddles left here
Are from the cold rain....
All remnants of my igloo are gone.

Only the memories of it remain.

There will be cloudy days.

There will be rainy days.

But there will be sunny days too.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

104 Words for 104 Days

Bittersweet
Friends
Support
Love
Life
Sadness
Hope
Misled
Misread
Work
Sew
Sculpt
Melt
Carve
Breathe
Wash
Dry
Sigh
Smile
Break
Joy
Laughter
Swim
Sun
Sand
Surf
Tan
Walk
Beach
Conquer
Family
Forgiveness
Open
Alone
Sunset
Desert
Cacti
Talk
Pool
Water
Music
Unending
Breeze
Call
Text
Wonder
Wander
Possibility
Positively
Empty
Negativity
Conflict
Despair
Freedom
Drive
Survive
Thrive
Time
Clock
Insomnia
Enemy
Date
Not
Hit
Miss
Wink
Kiss
Best
Worst
Bump
Set
Spike
Win
Lose
Play
Game
Refuse
Thought
Enough
Write
You
Me
World
Cook
Clean
Bake
Learn
Closer
Further
Parting
Heart
Beat
Done
Sorrow
End
Beginning
Travel
Explore
All
Nothing
More
Less
Redemption
Vindicated

Thursday, August 20, 2009

This One's for You

This one's for you--
This smile creeping across my face.
The one put there by you...
I want to share with no one,
Except for you.

This one's for you--
This twinkle in my eye,
A glistening tear of joy.
Please, share with no one else
That you saw this moment.

This one's for you--
My laughter ringing out...
A bit of joy spilling out
Uncontrollably.

This one's for you--
This very heartbeat,
And a skipped heartbeat.
My heart warms,
As it dwells on you.

This one's for you--
The warmth of my heart
Keeping you warm
Even on a snowy day,
Reminding you I care
On a hot summer day.

This one's for you--
This one kiss
Can never be shared.
Can never be repeated.
Will never be forgotten.

This one's for you--
This thought of you
Will never stop.
Behind these eyes,
Will always hide
A thought of your smile..

This one's for you--
This simple poem,
Simple words strung together
Attempting to show you
I will always care.

This one's for you--
This very moment,
I will share with no one else,
Only you and I together
Will ever know this very moment.

This one's for you.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Last First Day

Today I started back to work...and it was ok. I had hoped that I would get to spend the day mostly alone, unpacking as I always do...but the shop ended up being pretty busy. So my thoughts were scattered and unfocused.

But today...was my last first day in this job. I know that I am leaving...and it does make me sad. As I walked through the halls and rooms...I thought about the different moments that have occurred within the confines of these walls....

I stood for a brief moment in the makeup room...at the very mirror where I sat during class when I knew I had finally found where I belonged. I ran my hands along the bricks of the building...feeling how smooth and rough they are all at the same time...remembering what it was like the first time I walked up to this building...I had no idea it would become my home for so long.

8 years I have been in and out of this building. I know every short cut, every corner. I have been to the hidden rooms most people don't even know exist. I know this place...these spaces...

It is hard to think that this will be my last time starting the school year in this place. I know it will take me all year to say goodbye. Each day just reminds me....next year it will be totally different. Someone else will be in my place, someone else will be in my shoes doing my job. I can only hope that I will leave a lasting, pleasant legacy...

I know how it all works here. I know where everything goes....how all the pieces fit together. And now I will have to teach someone else all the secrets....as I move on to discover new worlds.

One week from today, classes start. And I know that will be a rough day too.

Another last day...

...in a place I love so dearly.

6 weeks+

I have not had a job for a little more than the past 6 weeks. I have not had such a long break in between work since.....well....probably since I was 15 or so.

I honestly thought that not working for so long would drive me absolutely crazy. And sometimes it did.

Last year I started this journey...when I injured my wrist and couldn't work, I had to start to figure out who I was outside of my job. It was a very difficult and trying time, because so much of my identity is tied up in what I do...that not being able to do what I do mean I couldn't be who I was. So I spent a lot of time trying to figure out who I was without my work. But that time was just the beginning...

The past 6 months have held a lot of soul searching for me. I have tried to really discover who I am, and who I will be. To have the summer end with my trips to AZ and CA and 6 weeks without work has really been helpful in this journey.

The time away from home gave me time to think...to see myself as separate from everything that I usually tie myself to. I was alone....all alone. There was just me--just who I am. Not me tied up in everything I can do. Reminds me of the phrase "We are human beings not human doings." Which is very true of course--not always as easy to do as it is to say.

So tomorrow, I start back at work. Last first day here....where I will go from here who knows. But once again I will get tied up in what I do and what I can do. Somehow, I think that this year is going to be really different from the past...there will be a much more pronounced separation of work and life....

Once again, my life is going to take priority. Work is work....and I love what I do--but it is not who I am....it is not what encompasses my entire being.

Last first day. Bittersweet and scary.


Sunday, August 16, 2009

Igloo 5

I thought I was here before.
And I know I was.
All the blocks had been carried away,
They had all been broken down
And had melted under the summer sun.
All that had remained
Were puddles here and there.

But I look around now...
And I see that somehow,
I have started to build up my igloo again.
Where I found this much ice
In the middle of the summer,
I don't know.

I have realized it earlier this time.
Only a couple rows of ice blocks
Has been laid down...
So the cold still hovers
On the ground.

I must remember....
The cold cannot
Make the pain
Go away.
It only
Makes me
Numb.

I kick over the rows of blocks
That have been rebuilt.
I choose to feel...
The joy the sorrow,
The highs and the lows,
All the emotions of life.

I choose to live in
Happiness.
No matter how much
The world tries to drown it.
I choose to live in
Hope.
No matter how much
The world tried to kill it.

I kick the ice blocks away,
Letting the flowers that have
Been crushed beneath them
Once again see the sunlight.

They are my reminder
That Hope always survives.



Saturday, August 15, 2009

My babies....

It is amazing to me how well my children know me. They know when I am leaving for just a few minutes, or when I will be gone for weeks. (I have found that when Sora knows I am leaving for a long time, he blocks the door....)

They know when I need cheering up, and Sora especially knows when I am in a sad mood. He reacts to people crying, always trying to get as close as possible to cheer them up. Last night there was a woman crying on the porch downstairs, and Sora could hear her. So he sat in front of the window for an hour, trying to catch a glimpse of the poor crying creature.

Sora knows I don't want to sleep alone tonight. Usually he sleeps in the kitty condo, or if he's on the bed it's at the very foot. But right now he is curled up against my side....right at my elbow. His cute little feet are curled in tight as he dreams away...and his tiny little body rises and falls with each breath.

Kairi will join us as soon as I pack up the computer. She will lay on top of my head, wrapping herself up in my hair. She will purr and purr and purr until she falls asleep her chin resting on my forehead.

I am the luckiest. Two beautiful, loving, caring children. They light up my every day, and cheer me up when no one and nothing else can.

See...the thing about being with someone for so long, is it is hard to forget that dates no longer have meaning. Like August 14th. 8 years. Means nothing anymore....but Sora knows that it still means a little something....and a lot of pain still. So he is here...keeping me from tears.

I am the luckiest....hands down. My babies remind me of that every day.

Friday, August 14, 2009

I think I will start over....

I think I will start over.
I need to find a new life,
Find a new town....
Leave these pieces behind....
Leave the chapters behind.
Start a new volume,
See what characters
Find themselves in my space.
I need to find myself in a new place.

Leave the heartbreaks behind,
The broken memories too.
Desert the ghosts of yesterday
And find the spirit of today.

I think I will start over,
Rebuild my life
Piece by piece,
Moment by moment,
Mountain by mountain.
Rebuild my self,
Piece by piece,
Moment by moment,
Mile by mile.

Leave the shattered shards behind,
The pieces that I have are enough.
Desert the brokenness of yesterday
And embrace the hope of today.

I think I will start over.

I know I will start over....
I know I have to.


Thursday, August 13, 2009

Shattered

Shattered by O.A.R.

In a way need a change
From this burnout scene.
Another time,
Another town,
Another everything.
But it's always back to you.

Stumbled out in the night,
In the pouring rain.
Made the block,
Sat and thought,
There's more I need.
It's always back to you.

But I'm good without you,
Yeah, I'm good without you,
Yeah, yeah, yeah.....

How many times can I break 'til I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after.
I always turn the car around.
Give me a break let me make my own pattern.
All that it takes is some time but I'm shattered.
I always turn the car around.

Had no idea that the night
Would take so damn long.
Took it out on the street
While the rain still falls.
Push me back to you.

But I'm good without you,
Yeah I'm good without you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah....

How many times can I break 'til I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after.
I always turn the car around.
Give me a break let me make my own pattern.
All that it takes is some time but I'm shattered.
I always turn the car around.

Oh....
Give it up,
Give it up, baby.
Give it up,
Give it up, now.
Now...

How many times can I break 'til I shatter?
Over the line, can't define what I'm after,
I always turn the car around.
All that I feel is the realness I'm fakin'.
Taking my time, but it's time that I'm wasting.
Always turn the car around.

How many times can I break 'til I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after.
I always turn the car around.

Don't wanna turn that car around.
I gotta turn this thing around.
_________________________________________________________________

I have had this song on repeat for more than two hours now....almost 3 hours. I get into modes where I will feel a song, and won't be able to turn it off for hours and hours. Tonight was a "Shattered" night.

I do need a change from this scene...another time, another town for sure--another everything. I know there is more I need....it took me a long time to realize it, but there is more I need in my life. But my thoughts always drift back....but I am better without...

I do wonder how many times I can break until I am shattered. I can't define what I am after...and I always used to go back to what I knew because it was safe. I just need time to make my own pattern, to discover what I am really after. In time I know there will be more times I feel shattered--it's only a matter of time...

I had no idea that the night would be so long...oh so long. Some days I still feel stuck in the midst of the night...trapped by the darkness instead of being set free by the stars. Other days I remember the open sky....and that it is all mine now.

All I used to feel was that realness I was faking. That facade....the show for all to see, while hidden inside was the dying me. I took me time trying to figure it out...and some of the time was wasted. But at least I finally figured it out...

I have been shattered. I know what that feels like. I know what it's like to keep going back, to keep hoping that something will change....that somehow it will all be ok. And then realize that there is no way. That there has to be a change....another time, another town....another life.

It doesn't always have to go back to you. I didn't turn the car around this time. I am finding my change. I am finding my way through this dark night...and finding plenty of bright days and peaceful nights.

I am finding another me. A much happier, more fulfilled me.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Sea shells by the sea shore...broken and whole...

While in California, I spent a good amount of time on the beach. I simply love the feel of the saltwater air, an incredible mist that settles on the skin...I love the feeling of the sand under my feet and the sound of the roaring waves.

One of my favorite things to do on the beach is to just walk along the water's edge and collect sea shells. I would say as a general rule, if you and I walked together along the beach collecting sea shells, we would probably not pick the same ones to keep.

I prefer the broken sea shells. I am attracted to the shells that have been battered and broken by the sea; those that have been trampled underfoot; the ones that have been tumbled along the ocean floor, only to arrive on the beach perfectly smooth.

I see the broken shells...and I can clearly see their potential. They are so much more easily turned into something more...this one can become a pendant, and these will make great beads. Their sharp edges and irregularities display so much character...how did this shell end up this odd shape? Why is it broken perfectly in half? How did this shell end up with a single perfect hole right in the middle?

Yes, the unbroken shells are beautiful....gorgeous. But the way I see them, they require much more work to become something more. Some need holes drilled into them to string, others are better broken into pieces and tumbled.

The way I see it...I like the broken shells better because I see myself as one of those broken shells. I may be broken in places, but there is a reason for it. And all the pieces reflect my character...each irregularity is another facet of my own self. The sharp edges have been worn down by the constant beating of the waves, until finally I have ended up an entirely different being washed up on the beach. No longer broken, just new pieces of me...

New pieces that are more easily made into something more than I ever thought possible.



Sunday, August 9, 2009

Puzzle Pieces and Firsts...

There are days I still wonder how I ended up here, where I am, with the new pieces of my life falling into place. Yesterday was one of those days. Today is one of those days too.

Lately each new day is a day of firsts....yesterday was first interview in the real world....first time in LA...I am so enjoying each new day of firsts. I enjoy not knowing what tomorrow will bring--not even knowing what today will be--is such a thrill!

Yesterday I kept looking back....thinking about where I was 7 months ago....where I was a year ago. This life is so different from the one I had, the one that I knew....

But I have discovered that this is my life. What I have now--what I am discovering is who I am, and who I will be. To have lost so much...and then to find so much more is so encouraging. I know I lost a lot of time, pieces of myself never to be regained but rejuvenated, and people who were very dear to me who will no longer speak to me.

The hardest part is that last part. It is difficult to just have to walk away from those you love and care so deeply for. But it is their choice, and I cannot force my wishes upon them. So instead I will move forward, looking to those who want to share in my joy and my new adventures.

The time, I cannot fret about. It has passed, and there is nothing I can do to rewind. That time was not totally lost...I like to think of it as invested. I got a return on some of my investment, and I am very fortunate in that. But sometimes you lose...and that's okay too.

The pieces of myself...are coming back together. They are not the same, not by any measure.

So each new day of firsts....and each new day with new puzzle pieces...I look forward to it all.


Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Vindicated


Vindicated, The Dashboard Confessional

Hope, dangles on a string;
Like slow-spinning redemption,
Winding in and winding out,
The shine of it has caught my eye.
And roped me in,
So mesmerizing,
So hypnotizing.
I am captivated.
I am

Vindicated.
I am selfish,
I am wrong,
I am right, I swear I'm right.
Swear I knew it all along.
And I am flawed,
But I am cleaning up so well.
I am seeing in me now
The things you swore you saw yourself.


So clear, like the diamond in your ring.
Cut to mirror your intention,
Over-sized and overwhelmed.
The shine of which has caught my eye.
And rendered me
So isolated,
So motivated.
I am certain now that I am

Vindicated.
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right, I swear I'm right.
Swear I knew it all along.
And I am flawed,
But I am cleaning up so well.
I am seeing in me now
The things you swore you saw yourself.

So turn,
Up the corners of your lips,
Part them and feel my fingertips
Trace the moment for forever.
Defense is paper thin,
Just one touch,
And I'd be in too deep now
To ever swim against the current.
So let me slip away,
So let me slip away,
So let me slip away,
So let me slip,
Against the current.
So let me slip
away,
So let me slip away,
So let me slip away,
So let me slip away....

Vindicated.
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right, I swear I'm right.
Swear I knew it all along.
And I am flawed,
But I am cleaning up so well.
I am seeing in me now
The things you swore you saw yourself.


Like hope, dangles on a string;
Like slow-spinning redemption.

___________________________________

Each time I walk the beach, this song comes to mind. My first visit out here to California, I had these lyrics running through my mind as I sat alone on the beach at 8AM after my surfing lesson.

This song is very close to my heart, and I only just discovered it at the beginning of the summer. Every time I hear this song on my ipod or computer, I have to repeat it, at least once, to let the lyrics sink in.

Hope...is here. It always has been. At times it may have only been a small spark, but it has always been right here, and it always will be. And I will always look for it and hold it close to my heart.

I am vindicated. And I am selfish, and I might be wrong--but I know I am right. I knew what was right all along. I am FLAWED, but I am cleaning up so well--like a diamond in the rough, long lost. Trampled underfoot, buried and left for lost. I may be isolated, but I am motivated, and I will not be lost again.

My defenses may not be paper thin...not in every respect--but definitely in some ways. But my defenses have dropped so very much, the walls have come down so far....I want to slip away, with the pull of the current. Wherever that takes me, I have hope that it will help me continue to grow...I have hope it will take my flaws and slowly buff them out, like the stones as they meet the shore.

I am seeing those things that some of you have said to me....some of those things that I have never been able to see before. Thank you, for helping me see.

And now hope...dangles on a string, like slow spinning redemption. So clear, so present, so a part of my heart and soul.

I am vindicated.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Today of all Days

What can I say about today? What needs to be said, what should be said? What needs to be left unsaid? I am not sure the answer to any of those questions.

For those who don't know, today is my wedding anniversary. 3 years ago. How much can change in such a short amount of time.

I still remember that day....and all the times leading up to that day. But now I also remember all the days since then....and all the days leading to today.

The fact is, I wouldn't change it. I know that the sum of all my yesterdays are what have brought me to today, and right now--I know where I am and where I stand...for the most part. I am learning who I am and what it means to be myself in this world. And I could not be here without all the pieces of my past.

Oftentimes I am very sad for all the hurt and all the pain that has been a part of this process, on all parts. Oftentimes I am overwhelmed by the changes brought about in my life, and the gravity of the situation. but most often I am thankful beyond measure for the immense blessings in my life.

I am blessed with loving friends and a supportive family. Blessed with two "children" who light up my life. Blessed with an extended "family" who has chosen to support me regardless of consequences. I have been watching the pieces of my life fall quietly into place, and the result blows my mind. I look forward to each new day, seeing what is in store and what will be.

And I am blessed with an open, optimistic spirit. Beautiful weather and good music. Sand and sunshine. A brand new day.

The chains holding me down have been broken. It has taken a great deal of time, an immense amount of pain, and all the strength I could muster. But I am no longer bound by hate, depression, doubt and fear. I ride on the wings of hope and love....and I know they will carry me as far as I need to go.

Today, I will be on the beach and in the surf. Feeling the ebb and flow of the ocean, remembering that there is the same ebb and flow of everything in life.

And I will spend the day in smiles and laughter. Today is a celebration....of what was, what is, and what is yet to come.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Moonlit Slumber

I lay here...on the very edge of my bed (and by that I mean the air mattress my bros pulled out for me), next to the sliding glass door.

The door remains always open, so the cool ocean breeze finds its way through the house. The slatted blinds are tilted just so....so that the moonlight is shining down on the edge of my bed. The cool soft glow of the moon takes me back...way back...

To when I used to stay at Grandma and Grandpa's, after they put the new addition onto their house in Payson. I loved that house...and I loved that back room where I always stayed. It had the biggest bed I had ever seen!! I could lay sideways across it and still fit...so that's what I would do. On summer nights, I would leave the window open. Sometime there would be thunderstorms, and I would lay there and watch the lightning storms....

But my favorite nights were the perfectly clear nights, where the moonlight would shine down on me...and I would lay parallel with the window, so I could sleep totally in moonlight. It seemed so magical...so mystical.

Even now, as I lay under the moonlight...is still seems kind of magical. It is calming....soothing.

Someday, my own house will have a window perfectly placed so my bed can be right under it....so the moonlight can shine down on me again....

.....and I can forever enjoy moonlit slumber....