Saturday, October 1, 2011

10 years...

10 years ago today, my Grandfather passed away.
10 years ago today my Dad, Grandma, aunt, cousin and I watched as he took his last breaths...

How come it still feels like it was last year? Why do I still miss him so? Why do I still forget that he's gone sometimes?

I can never imagine what my Grandmother feels...what she thinks. I called her today--she was paying bills. I know she thinks about it, and sometimes I wish we could talk about it. But I wouldn't know what to say, or what to ask.

Sometimes I dream about having the ability to travel through time...what exactly I would do and who I would want to see. I wish that I could talk to Grandpa, back before the cancer wreaked havoc on his brain...

If I could go back, I would probably visit my Grandparents right after they found out that he had cancer. I would tell Grandpa that he should go fishing, build things--do all the things he loved to do--and to skip the brain surgery. The surgery gave us precious time with him, but I always wish that he would have been able to do the things he loved right up to the end.

If I could go back, I would tell myself to forget about boys in high school and instead focus on family and friends. Then maybe I could have spent more time with my Grandfather when he could speak...

There are so many "if I coulds." I try now to focus on the "I am going to's."