Training...

I have started training at The Container Store, and it is awesome. I keep waiting to get nervous...like I always do with new jobs. But...so far...nada. I am not nervous.

I think part of it is the fact that I feel so at home...so prepared. It's nice to feel completely comfortable when stepping into a new job.

So, I will keep you all posted on how it goes once I start working for real. But this place...is amazing.

New week...

Ah...a new week...a new day.

It's nice to have a fresh start--and to have work all day! Now I know I will get tired of working all day every day--but right now, it's nice to have a plan and a schedule.

Tomorrow is my friend Jack's birthday--so i just want to wish him a Happy Birthday!!

First Aid...

Today, I got First Aid certified!! Woohoo! If you get injured, I can fix you enough so you'll live until the EMTs arrive. ;-)

I want to make some correlation between First Aid of life and limbs and First Aid of a broken heart...but I think I will have to come back to it.

For now, it's time for a lovely hike with my wonderful man!

CPR...

I spent today getting my CPR/AED Certification--and guess what? I passed!! Surprise, surprise.

It was kind of fun--took me back to my Water World days. I still remembered all the steps from way back then...they have changed some of the numbers a bit, but it's all pretty much the same!!

Cardio Pulmonary Resuscitation.

For some reason...I really like the sound of that....

Work in Progress..

So, I have another post started...but it is going to take some time. I am also trying to figure out if there is a way I can lock certain posts--just so I don't have to worry about some of my words getting out and way about in the world, and onto the eyes of someone I would rather not have read them...

Wow that was an awkward sentence.

Nonetheless, today is beautiful. I spent the morning mowing the lawn out in the beautiful sunshine--on a riding lawn mower, so all the more fun! I even wore my swimsuit so I could soak up some of those extra sun rays!!

All of the new jobs are progressing very well! I am very happy with the jobs that I have found (so far) and feel very fortunate to have work!

My kids are doing well--Sora is definitely feeling bouts of cabin fever, and I have promised him that now that I have work, we will be moving as soon as possible. I know he will be much happier in our own space.

I have found myself very happy and very comfortable in my new relationship. It is wonderful to have someone to share everything with...someone to talk with for hours on end, about anything and everything...someone to run around and play with...someone to love, and someone who loves me unabashedly.

I live a beautiful life...it's quite amazing.

The Tele...

I don't watch television, well not really anyway. If I am spending time with someone and they happen to have it on, of course I will watch a bit. And I do watch Netflix--I happen to love it. But I am not one to sit down in front of the tv and watch a show commercials and all.

I gave up tv right after the divorce. When I moved into my own apartment, I did not order cable. (Eventually I did order cable because it made internet cheaper, which made my bill cheaper overall--funny, right? But the only time the cable actually plugged into the tv was when my brother would stay with my kids when I was out of town. Done with tangent.)

I really enjoy the time that not having tv has given me. I don't spend hours in front of the tv doing nothing, I no longer go brain dead from hours of mindless programming...not that there is anything wrong with tv...

Towards the end of my marriage, I battled with depression. It was difficult to be motivated to do anything...so I would come home, throw on comfy clothes (which happened to be polar fleece pants and my favorite Belikin beer shirt), plop on the couch and turn on the tv. I would watch until I went to bed each night.

It was very lonely...very distant. My ex and I would not be near each other--mostly because I did not want to be close to him. We couldn't touch if we were both on the couch...him being close to me would start to throw me into an anxiety attack.

It was this way for several months. TV ruled the roost, so to speak. When we finally went into therapy, our therapist told us we should start by turning off the tv during dinner, to give us time to talk to one another. For some reason--we never did. I remember once I said we should leave it on, because I was too stressed to carry on conversation, but I also don't remember us ever actually turning it off for dinner...

For two people--well, 3 when my brother lived with us--we had 4 tv's. My brother had his own in his room, there was one in the dining room which could be seen from the kitchen, one in the living room, and the computer in the basement was hooked up to cable. One bedroom or the bathrooms were the only places you could go to be free from tv. It was always on...except first thing in the morning when I was the only one awake--I could, on most days, make it out the door without hearing any tv.

The sound of it seemed deafening. I remember it as a constant soundtrack...laugh track...suspense...it all came from the little boxes all over the house. I couldn't stand it. Where was my life? Why could I not peel the person who said they loved me the most away from the tele long enough to enjoy the sunshine with me? Why was it so much more important than living in the moment?

The first time I saw my house after the divorce, I was picking up something from my ex. He pointed out his new purchase...a very large flat screen tv. I couldn't have missed it.

There are some shows I love to watch...House...Robot Chicken...Shin Chan...and more that I think I would love to watch. But I am afraid of becoming a slave to it...I can't stand the though of it once again becoming the soundtrack to my life. I can't stand the thought of being tied to it again...

In my apartment, it was so quiet and peaceful. It would scare the crap out of the cats and I when the buzzer for the dryer went off it was so quiet. But I could hear Kairi purring in the other room. I could hear the wind blow outside my window. I could hear the pitter patter of little kitten paws on the carpet...as well as the hissing when the two would battle, as brothers and sisters do.

I could hear myself. I could hear my thoughts...

I had time...all the time in the world...to do whatever I wanted. I accomplished a lot in that apartment.

So, if you talk to me about a tv show, I might know what you're talking about. If it's a commercial that's aired in the last 2 years...forget it, I'll have no clue.

And I don't mind.

I like my new soundtrack. I like my free time.

I am happy to have commercial free Netflix view-a-thons anytime. ;-) Robot Chicken anyone?

Daily...

Sometimes I find it hard to believe that I have written every day since my birthday. It's cool to get to look back, and see how the year has gone thus far--although there is a lot that goes on that I don't write in here...

A lot of times I battle with how personal to get on this lovely little blog. I know pretty much everyone who reads it, whether they are a follower or not. (Which--if you're not, you should become a follower--and share with your friends--or enemies if you don't like what I write. I am trying to get more followers so I can get my writing more out there...wink wink.)

But at times, I don't know what is fair game. I don't want to offend someone, I don't want to write about someone who doesn't want to be written about. Maybe this is why Carrie Bradshaw always used nicknames in her columns...

Nonetheless, I am very happy that regardless of how often I can post photos, I am posting some of my thoughts each day.

It will be fun to look back on this year in years to come...and I hope that I can keep this up past my birthday...how fun would that be? (Well, for me...maybe not for all of you ;-) ...maybe)

Contain the Excitement...

Or don't!

I got the job at The Container Store! And I am so excited!

It's funny, yesterday I was so worried about work--worried about not having enough to fill my time. And today, I get the call.

Sometimes, all it takes is a little time.

I still have no idea where I will end up, what I will do, or any of that. But I do feel like I am moving in the right direction. :-)

I start training on Monday, and I am very excited! It seems like a wonderful place to work...and mental tupperware girl is super happy about the employee discount. ;-)

Lack of Work...

Hi.

My name is Lisa.

I am a workaholic.

This is my first meeting, as I worked through all the other ones.

(Pause for laughter.)

But I now only work about 20 hours a week...at most.

And it's driving me a little crazy.

I have always liked working--having something to do. Even though I couldn't wait to be done with school, I always enjoyed being in school because it was my job--it was what I was supposed to be doing.

So now that I find myself without much work...I am kind of lost.

What should I do today?

What can I accomplish?

What should I accomplish?

I like structure, and organization. I do enjoy spontaneity, relaxation and free time--but I need work to have a sense of accomplishment.

I have to figure out a schedule...some way to accomplish something for myself in every day.

We'll have to see how it works out.

I'll keep you posted.

Swimming....

There is something absolutely wonderful about spending the afternoon in the pool...

I remember visiting my Grandpa and Grandma in Tucson--we would hardly ever go swimming during the day. If we did go swimming, it was typically at night, under the stars.

The stars would twinkle, the bats would fly about, just skimming the water occasionally. We would laugh and splash and paddle to our hearts content, since most of the time we were the only ones around.

But being out in the sunshine, feeling the sun warm my soul--all the way to my bone marrow--is just lovely.

And getting to spend it with friends and loved ones makes it all the more wonderful.

Why does summer have to end?

Time of Your Life

by Green Day

Another turning point,
A fork stuck in the road.
Time grabs you by the wrist
Directs you where to go.
So make the best of this test
And don't ask why.
It's not a question
But a lesson learned in time.

It's something unpredictable,
But in the end it's right,
I hope you had the time of your life.

So take the photographs
And still frames in your mind,
Hang it on a shelf
In good health and good time.
Tattoos of memories
And dead skin on trial,
For what it's worth,
it was worth all the while.

It's something unpredictable,
But in the end it's right,
I hope you had the time of your life.

It's something unpredictable,
But in the end it's right,
I hope you had the time of your life.

It's something unpredictable,
But in the end it's right,
I hope you had the time of your life.
______________________________

I have heard this song probably half a dozen times over the course of the past 2 days...and I always find it fitting.

In the end, it is right.

And I hope you had the time of your life.

But my time has yet to come.

Hold Me Closely....

Hold me closely,
Don't let me go.
Remind me
That your hand is to hold,
When I forget
To be bold.

Hold me closely,
Don't let me go--
Soon enough
There will be snow,
It will get cold...
Inside and out.

Soon enough
The storms will come,
The wind will blow,
And I'll come undone.
I will feel alone
Without the sun,
Without the green,
Without the warmth...

Hold me closely,
While the sun still shines,
So I will remember
That you are always mine.

Hold me closely,
With or without tears,
So I will remember
That you will be here....

Hold me closely,
Because I do want you...
But also so I will remember,
That I need you too.

Penguin...

Today in therapy, I was working on my insomnia issues. When we got to the end, I had two thoughts running through my head:

The first one was, I feel like a penguin among seagulls. Although I would now edit that to be a penguin among beautiful jungle birds (I don't know what else to call them...but the pretty sing-songy ones). I think I only thought seagulls because that's what was playing on the "white noise" music...

A penguin among colorful jungle birds...why?

I often feel as though I don't belong, that I don't fit in...that I don't really have a place yet.

While everyone else gets to fly away on their colorful wings, I am left to swim the depths alone. Sure, everyone else can stick their feet in, get a little wet....but I swim deep into the ocean, into the darkness...away from the sun and sky....

We can meet on solid ground, and there be equals....but we are nonetheless separated by our wings....

My second thought was: "Am I my Mother's daughter, or my Father's daughter?"

The answer is, of course both...but who am I more like? Who will I model in life?

I know I have a choice in this. I am not someone who believes that my fate is entirely decided already. But my parents are very different...

My Dad married a wonderful woman not too long after my parents got divorced. They have had their ups and downs--in typical marriage style, but have maintained a loving relationship throughout.

My Mom has never married again. She has a a series of long term relationships, and it almost seems as though there is a timer in her brain, and after a certain amount of time--she just has to leave whomever she is with. My relationship with her makes me think that maybe she has difficulty letting anyone close to her, that she had been hurt so often and so much that she is unwilling to share her vulnerability with anyone.

So...door #1, or door #2?

I know which one I want...but the thing is, you don't get to just swing open the door and get the prize in this instance.

First, there's an uphill climb in the snow followed by a polar bear plunge swim across a lake. Then there's a muddy obstacle course, complete with one of those ropes hanging down a smooth wooden slatted wall. Next, you have to use two oxen to plow a field, plant seed, and wait for the harvest to take to market. You use your earnings to purchase a parachute so you can skydive out of a plane and into the ocean, hopefully close to your rowboat. Row, row, row your boat to a deserted island, where you make camp and try to make fire. Then you spend the next 4 months in survival mode, trying to find whatever you can to eat. Finally your smoke signal catches the eye of a helicopter, so you must catch the basket, climb in, and stay balanced enough to get hauled up...but then they drop you into a surging river. So you do your best to keep your feet pointed downstream until you finally catch an overhanging branch long enough to pull yourself out. At which point, you come face to face with a bear. So as your heart pounds somewhere between your throat and lungs, you struggle to remember if you're supposed to act big or small (for bears, it's be small and dead; mountain lions, be big and scary). After the bear is done playing ball with you, it's a race to find your way through the wilderness, where you finally find a road, which just happens to take you right to Wheel of Fortune. So after you have finally solved the final puzzle, you choose door #1!! Vanna White opens it to reveal...your chance to be on Jeopardy...and all of the categories were the ones that you either didn't take or failed in college. After an eternity of questions (and Alex Trebek), you risk it all and end up with $1 more than everyone else...so you get to donate your cash to your favorite charity, then jump through the ring of fire that has somehow appeared in the studio...and finally...

There's door #1...

And it takes all the energy you have just to pry it open.


There you see...an uphill climb in the snow.


But just before your heart drops...


You see someone who loves you, handing you a snowsuit.

As you suit up, they reassure you:

"Let's go. We can do it together."




And that is where I will find out whose daughter I am...if I can share my strengths...and weaknesses...with someone I love, and someone who loves me.

Are you tired yet? ;-)

Loneliness like a Vacuum...

I should have known that my Dad would be right...again. He kept telling me that one day the insomnia would catch up with me. I assumed he was talking about the sleep part...but I understand now what he was talking about.

I keep feeling more and more separate...pushed further and further away from everyone and everything.

It just starts to feel like a chasm...like a canyon with a river flowing through it, and every day the river makes the canyon wider and wider...the world on one side, and I am on the other.

Sitting alone in a room full of people.

That's not what I meant to type at first, but I realized how apt it is.

It's not the people...it's definitely me. Realizing that everyone will all climb into bed about the same time, the world will pause for a few hours...and I will keep going...alone. It's like sitting outside of a club that you are not a part of, and you get to watch everyone else walk in. It starts to feel like everyone else is unified, and I am the outsider who just gets to pretend they are a part of the party.

I can feel insomnia now...not being tired...I am still not tired...but it feels like a vacuum of loneliness. It sometimes feels like a black hole...it inhales everything...my words, my thoughts, my feelings, my hopes, my dreams, my excitement....it pulls me away from everyone...away from everyone I love.

It keeps growing....
Blackness darker than night....
Loneliness, like a vacuum,
Pulls me away...
Down, down, down....
Further and further away
From any sign of light....

Contain Myself...

I had a second interview for The Container Store today...my fingers are crossed!!

What a wonderful place to work...says the girl with mental tupperwares. ;-)

Back to School...

For the first time in 8 years, I am not preparing to go back to school at CU. It feels weird...but good.

I am still preparing for back to school though. One of my new jobs is working as an after school program leader, so all of us leaders got together today to prepare the room.

Oh, back to school...I still love it. :-)

Being Away...

This weekend I got to go yurting for the first time--and it was great fun!

It was really nice to just get away...to be up in the mountains for 2 nights...to be separated from people and places...just to exist for a while...

I was the only insomniac though, so that proved to be a little trying. Everyone else was prepped and ready to be in bed before 11...and I ended up staying awake until I could just see the sky brightening a bit for the sunrise....

Both nights I laid awake for hours...listening to music...trying to watch the stars...thinking...reading and writing while my glow sticks still had light...

It still feels lonely...laying awake for so long, surrounded by people yet feeling so separated. It's not nearly as lonely as sharing a bed with someone and not being able to sleep....

...nowhere near as lonely.

Numbers...

It is funny how this day this year is so much different than this day last year.

I didn't even think about the numbers until later...

But last year, it was still rough...

On Pain and Sorrow...

I have an old shoulder "injury," I fractured my collar bone when I was in fourth grade. It healed slightly crooked, and so I have had some small issues at times...throwing a ball straight can be an issue--I have to over-correct to hit my mark; but usually it does not cause me much grief....until the past few days.

Starting about Tuesday, I have had some unusual pain in my shoulder. I expected that the pain would go away in a day or so, like it usually does. But it has been quite persistent...

But the thought came to mind--that I should write about physical pain. My family and friends have always testified that I have a high pain tolerance, and I would agree. I was a slightly (yes, go ahead and laugh, Stacy) accident prone child, so I think that I got to build up my tolerance when I was young. Fractured collarbone, cracked open forehead, skinned knees, left side of face road-rashed away, near third degree burns, plenty of burn blisters...

In the book, Animals in Translation by Temple Grandin, there is a section in which she discusses how animals feel pain. Post-surgery, many animals are not given pain killers. This is because with the pain killers they are likely to feel no pain and increase their chances of injuring themselves while their wounds heal. She transitions into talking about how people feel pain...and then she discusses this experiment concerning chronic pain in humans.

I need to read the book again, but from what I remember, scientists disconnected one part of the brain from the rest in this group of people who experienced chronic pain. Those who had the procedure done were asked if they still felt any pain...and they said that they did feel pain--but it didn't bother them.

Sometimes, this is how I feel I am with all types of pain. I feel it, but it is properly processed, filed, and placed neatly into my mental tupperwares. It is there--is always is, but I do my best to not let it bother me.

So, as I face this enduring pain in my shoulder, I don't know what exactly to do. My body and my soul are two very different creations...do I let the pain persist, since it doesn't bother me? Or is this really a warning sign from my body that something must be done?

Oh, it does hurt.
And I will wince.
And it will still hurt.
I will want for it to go away...very badly.
But everyone gets their fair share of pain.
So why should I complain about a bad shoulder?

On Friends..

I find it interesting to watch the evolution of friendships.

How some grow and expand...

...how others self-destruct and disappear...

...there is so much more I could write...but I think I have to stop there for now.

Curry it up...

Today, I made chickpea curry!! I think it turned out ok--considering it is only my second time making it, and I always change the recipe. ;-)

The most important part was that I had wonderful company for dinner.

Oh--and I made a dessert too!! I made it up--and it was delicious!!

Last Day...but Grandma's in town!

Today was my last day with the kids for the summer. We decided to spend it at Water World, and it was wonderful.

All too soon the weather will change...the air will cool, the leaves will change...and I will be once again lost in winter...

So I am going to enjoy the warm weather while it lasts...

On another note, Grandma got into town today! I haven't seen her in so long--and I have missed her so! I always wish she would stay longer...

Week Ahead...

It's going to be a busy week...just to warn you. I have work, job interviews, camping....

So I am going to have to play catch up here. ;-)

Mountains...

by Biffy Clyro

Took a bite out of a mountain range,
Thought my teeth would break the mountain did.
Let's go, I want to go, all the way to the horizon.

I took a drink out of the ocean and,
I'm treading water there before I drown.
Let's dive, I want to dive to the bottom of the ocean.
I took a ride, I took a ride, I wouldn't go there without you.
Let's take a ride, we'll take a ride. I wouldn't leave here without you.

I am a mountain, I am the sea, you can't take that away from me.
I am a mountain, I am the sea, you can't take that away from me.

'Cause you tear us apart, with all the things you don't like.
You can't understand that I won't leave 'til we're finished here,
And then you'll find out where it all went wrong.

I wrote a note to the jungle and it wrote me back that I was never crowned king of the jungle, so
There's an end to my horizon.
I took a ride, I took a ride. I wouldn't go there without you.
Let's take a ride, we'll take a ride. I wouldn't leave here without you.

I am a mountain, I am the sea, you can't take that away from me.
I am a mountain, I am the sea.

'Cause you tear us apart, with all the things you don't like.
You can't understand that I won't leave 'til we're finished here,
And then you'll find out where it all went wrong.

Nothing lasts forever, except you and me. (You are my mountain, you are my sea.)
Love will last forever, between you and me. (You are my mountain, you are my sea.)

I am a mountain, I am the sea, you can't take that away from me.
I am a mountain, I am the sea.
I am a mountain, I am the sea.
_______________________

I love this song...I love singing along to this song. Although, I would say it's more like exhaling part of my soul than singing...it feels like a great release to yell some of these lines out at the top of my lungs.

There have been so many things in the last year or so that I thought would make me break...but it was those things that I withstood, and held out against. I have been broken, but not by the mountains. I have kept my head above water--at moments just barely. But I am still here, breathing.

I want to go...explore, adventure, go beyond my limits--or else how else will I know where they are?

There is part of this song that reminds me of my mother. I remember the day she left town after my parents got divorced. I was with my Grandmother, my younger brother, and my older half-brother. My brother and I were to stay with my Dad in Payson, but my older brother was leaving with my Mom. All day my older brother worried that my Mom was going to leave without him, so finally my Grandmother drove us around town to try and find my Mom. Eventually we found her, and while my older brother was close to tears she told him, "I would never leave without my little navigator!" It was a touching moment...but it wasn't years later until I realized that she left without my younger brother and I...

And then I think about my ex...he would tear us apart with all the things he didn't like...with life, with me...

The further I get away from my marriage, the more I seem to think that my ex didn't really like me. He may have loved me--because I was pretty, because I was there, because I took care of him--but I don't think he liked me. He was threatened by my intellect, frightened by my sense of adventure, scared by my curiosities and often told me I was "crazy" for all the things I wanted to do. He was unaware of the wedges and chasms he kept putting between us--simply because he didn't like change or new experiences..and yes, me. He couldn't understand that I wasn't going to leave until we were done--all done. I was in for the long haul, and he never believed me or understood it. He could never wrap his head (or heart) around unconditional love....I wasn't done...I wasn't going to be done...but he changed that. And now we get to sit and analyze where it all went wrong....

I am a mountain.
I am the sea.
I am stronger that I ever thought I could be.

No one can take that away from me.

If I have learned anything, it's that.

Rocky Roads....

Today was an amazingly fun day of driving and camping!

I can't help but think...comparing life to a road...

My Grandfather wrote a book called: It Took Many Rocks to Form my Road (or something close to that--it's still packed up...) And when i think about it...I don't mind all the rocks in the road...it makes life much more fun.

Imagine: driving down a completely smooth road...no bumps, nothing. BORING.

Now a road with some rocks and stones, dips and ridges....MUCH more fun!

Another Summer Day...

I got to spend today at Water World...out under the sun and in the water. And even though today I was very concerned with keeping my tattoo dry and out of the sun, I still had a wonderful time.

I know I will always wish that summer would last forever...

Happy Day...

Today was an absolutely wonderful day. I started the day with a job interview (which went very well, I think), then spent the majority of the day at the zoo with my brother and niece, and my beautiful friend and her little boy!

It was so wonderful to get to spend time with my niece--she has always been quite timid, so she never really talked or interacted with me very much. But yesterday she asked my brother if I could join them today at the zoo, and so I was super excited!

She talked to me all the time, and wanted me constantly by her side. She even wanted me to carry her and hold her hand...and I thought--this is why I want to live here. It is so much fun to listen to her talk about the animals and use her imagination--to see her still at that age where everything is possible...

It was extremely tiring--but I would do it again tomorrow! I am so happy that my niece wants to spend time with me!

I got to spend my evening celebrating...a new beginning. It was great to just be, and to find that someone loves me and knows me well enough to not bring me flowers...but to bring me a lightsaber instead. :-) Flowers will die, but lightsabers are forever.

It was a wonderful, wonderful day. My heart is full, my head is light...and I am exhausted, and ready for sleep.

On a side note, I am enjoying looking back to a year ago...to see how far I have come in the past 365 days. I did not write every day last year like I have this year, so I get very excited when I can compare today to exactly one year ago. And for today's comparison, one year ago I was feeling very Vindicated.

Now That I'm Free...

Paloma
by Carbon Leaf

Chase the high ground--where you'd rather be,
Where you might be found.
Face all aglow, to leave from here,
To pack up and go.
But it takes some time to get away,
And you will have to build from remains.
To run it takes the courage of a lamb,
To love, the fierceness of a storm.

Paloma you wonder if you'll miss the thunder,
Everyone's staring but no one is caring for you now.
Just spread your wings, latch onto the breeze,
Just take the leap...and you're free.

Chase the higher ground--where you'd rather be,
Where you might be found.
This move may erase the troubles in your head,
Or expose the absence of your soul.
And so, it takes some time to get away,
You will have to tear down what remains.
And I can't stand by for good byes,
So hold on to me, or lead the way.

Paloma you wonder if you'll miss the thunder,
Everyone's staring, but no one is caring for you now.
Just spread your wings, latch onto the breeze,
Just take the leap....and you're free.

Pace yourself when outrunning fear,
Take cover when it's dark,
And keep an even keel.
In your world you're only a phone away,
But in my world you're too far to feel.
And it may take some time to learn what's real,
You may have to beg and borrow,
And you will surely steal.
Remember all those lonely sessions
Turned into yesterday's lessons
To never forget love, to never forget love.

Paloma you wonder if you'll miss the thunder,
Everyone's staring, but no one is caring for you now.
Just spread your wings, latch onto the breeze,
Just take the leap...and you're free.

Paloma you wonder if you'll miss the thunder
Everyone's staring but no one is caring for...
Paloma you cry out, you beg for connection,
The dreams you seek are straight ahead in every direction...
Now you're free.
Now that you're, you're free.
Now that you're, you're free.
You're free.

Today I watched the greatest thing of all,
A flock of birds, preparing for the fall.
_____________________________________

I have listened to this song a lot over the past couple months as I prepared for my departure...so much of it has been running through my head.

I have been so excited to leave this place, to leave here. I knew I would have to build from scratch...but then I realized I was running away...and I needed to stand and face what was here for me.

I have been wanting to spread my wings...to fly....to be as fierce as a storm...to be free.

I thought that moving would make everything better--that it would erase all of my troubles. But once again I realized if I ran away, it would expose even more fear and doubt. I had to tear down all that was left, just so I could build new...but it was worth it.

I forgot about love. I was so drenched in the loneliness that I had come to know as my home, that I forgot to learn from lost love and move on. For some time, I dwelt in the fear--where I was comfortable. I felt eons away from everyone...and I know I pushed everyone away. But I needed time, and thankfully--that is what I got.

Then I opened my eyes, and my heart. And I realized that everything I wanted was right here. All of my dreams are waiting for me--all I have to do is run towards them, spread my wings, take the leap...

Today, is a pensive day. As it should be, I suppose. Today is the 4 year anniversary of my wedding day. Last year I was fortunate enough to spend the day surfing. Today I have spent the day with my children, cuddling and cooing. Tonight, I will celebrate by getting a tattoo of my own design. I am excited to have a permanent mark which will continually remind me of the many blessings in my life.

And although today could be a depressing day, I choose to continue to remember that I am no longer bound by hate, depression, doubt and fear. I will ride on the wings of hope and love....and wil continue to trust that they will get me to where I need to go.

I will spend today in smiles and laughter--today is a celebration....of what was, what is, and what is yet to come.

Amusements...

Today I got to spend the day at Elitch's with one of the kids. It turned out to be a really fun day--full of rollercoasters and laughter!

I was intrigued by the interesting population that surrounded me...and I was wondering how many other people were stopping to take a look at all that was around them.

But I guess the point of being there was to divert attention away...right?

Jobs...

Today I started the hunt for a new job...I haven't had to do this since, oh--about my sophomore year of college or so.

So I spent the afternoon driving all over, then came home and filled out more applications online (thank god for the internet).

I forgot how daunting this all can be...and how tiring.

But what do I want to do now? What kind of job should I be looking for? Where do I want to work?

I am not sure...of any of those things. I guess the answers will come in time.

Moving Day...

I have been counting down to today for almost 6 months. I have looked forward to this day as the next step in my journey...so why are my bags not packed?

I have had many steps in this journey--it all started in June 2009, when my brother graduated from UC Irvine. My family went out for his graduation, and I fell in love with California. I loved the beach, the sun, pretty much everything. So when I came back, and my friend said "I don't know why you don't just move there," it got me thinking. So after some thought--I decided, why not? I needed a new life--a fresh start. So I gave my notice at work, and started scheming.

I found one friend who was in a similar boat--she didn't know what to do since she had graduated, so I suggested she move to California with me. We could be roommates!! So I planned on that for a few months, really excited about what lay ahead.

Then my friend decided she needed to pursue her life elsewhere--which I completely support. She has had a quite a few twists and turns as well, and is now moving to NY because she was accepted into an internship at Juilliard. I am so very happy for her, and I look forward to seeing how her story unfolds!!

For a few months, I didn't know what to do. I considered moving to Tucson since I had no roommate for California, thought about moving solo, but kind of just waited to see what would unfold.

I had another dear friend who knew she wanted to move away from Colorado come August, but she also was unsure of where to go. So I set out to convince her that California was the place! We took a trip in February and had a blast! A couple weeks later she told me she had decided to move with me!! I was so excited!!

But once again, fate--or God or destiny, whatever you would like to call it--intervened. We both had slight doubts of where we wanted to go--just in the last month or two--and now my friend is moving to Seattle! I am super excited for her--she will be close to a part of her family she really enjoys, and she is super excited about her new adventure. I know she will do well--and again I look forward to seeing how her story unfolds.

So, mere weeks away from my moving day, I found myself with no roommate for California. I knew I couldn't live alone--it would be unaffordable--and living with a stranger was out of the question. If it were just me, that would be fine. But the thought of sharing a space with someone who did not love my cats as much as I do brought me much anxiety--I constantly worried that my babies would not be carefully guarded, and would escape out into the world and be lost from me...and that thought was more than heartbreaking.

So, I once again considered Tucson. And after a long conversation with my Dad, decided that Tucson was where I should go. I have always loved Tucson, but my main pull towards that lovely city was my Grandma. She and I are great friends, and I was looking forward to seeing her every day! So I called my Grandma, started looking for apartments, started browsing for jobs--all those fun things you get to do when you move!

The day after (literally..no exaggeration...) I decided to move to Tucson, my Dad sent me a text...informing me that Grandma was considering moving here, again. So, I was stuck--do I move and risk having the main reason I was moving there go away? Or do I stay put, since every time I try to make plans they fall apart?

I spent about a week thinking about it all. Why was I so desperate to move? Why did I have to move right now? What was I running to...or from?

In this week, I got to spend several morning with my niece. She is an absolutely adorable 4 year old with wide eyes and an adventuresome spirit. I started to remember some things...

I remembered when she was born...how much I wanted to be a part of her life.
I remembered how much I love being close to my family...how much I love stopping by for dinner, how much I love knowing that they are close.
I remembered how much I do love Colorado...the summers are perfect, the falls spectacular, the springs renewing...and the winters....barely tolerable. ;-)

And I thought about why I was so desperate to move...and I realized that I was wanting to run. I was running away from all the ghosts and demons held here...I didn't want to have to face them. I wanted to feel like I had a fresh start--a whole new life...and I didn't think I could find it here.

I realized that by running away from the ghosts, I was also running away from so much that was important to me. I knew if I moved, I would lose out on so much of my niece's life...and so much else.

But I have also been so blessed...with new friends, new places, new dreams. And I knew if I continued to run, I would lose out on these amazing friendships...and the "nephews" and "nieces" that I got to play "Auntie Lisa" to...

I have also been immensely blessed with a new love...one that I know would follow me all over the globe--and back again. But it all feels like a whole new life--a fresh start...right here.

I began to wonder if God, fate, destiny, the universe--was trying to tell me something. Every time I had a plan in place to move away, it slowly disintegrated to nothing. Was I supposed to keep pushing, like a flower pushing through the cracks of the cement? Or was I running the wrong way, driving the wrong way down a one way street?

After many sleepless nights and pensive days, I feel like I am meant to be right here for now. I don't know where I will end up--I don't know where I am going. But for now--I will continue my new saga right here in Colorado.

Thank you to everyone who has been so supportive through all of this, I don't know where I would be driving today if not for you!

Thank you Sophie and Emmy, for letting me briefly share adventures with you--I look forward to visits and many more adventures!

Thank you Brian and Austyn, for listening and supporting and for your amazing friendships. I hope that we all will get to share in many more adventures, and I hope that I can support you both as much as you have supported me. And of course, thank you for letting me share in little Liam's adventures!

Thank you Stacy for your ever-abounding love and friendship--who would have thought that we would still be friends after all these years!! Thank you for the journals, pictures and memories. You are truly an amazing woman, and I am blessed to know you!

Thanks Pooshie, for listening, even in the midst of your chaotic life. You always have taken the time to be there for me, even whilst planning your wedding. You are absolutely practically perfect Polly, and I am so happy to have met you--and so grateful that we are friends! You are wonderful, and I wish you all the happiness in the world in every day as you start your new life with your hubby.

Thanks Dad, for listening and guiding--for asking the hard questions and waiting for the answers so you could ask even harder questions--thank you for always supporting me, through every crazy adventure.

And of course...thank you Ryan. Thank you for taking a chance and hypothetically asking me out on a date. Thank you for putting up with my craziness and neurosis...constantly. Thank you for your never-ending patience and support. Thank you for caring enough that it didn't matter where I was moving...you still cared about me. Thank you for holding me when I didn't know how to ask for help, and for never pushing me to be anyone other than myself. Thank you for reminding me what it was like to dream with reckless abandonment--and thank you for supporting all of my dreams, no matter how wacky. Thank you for reminding me that there is beauty and love in every day...I love you.

And many thanks to my lovely babies, Sora and Kairi...who have tolerated a basement with one tiny window for months! Who have listened to me promise beaches and deserts--that we would soon be out of here...and who would still cuddle and love me every night and morning. My life would not be complete without you, my beautiful children.

I love you all!! Thank you so much for being a part of my journey, and for being so supportive as I start this new saga.

Side note: I am sorry Stacy--I know you were super excited--and I was too. But I will just have to make sure I get around to where you are every time I visit Grandma. And hopefully someday soon, we will once again live in the same state!