Tupperware Party

Everything is better inside tupperwares.
I used to know how to pack everything up,
Just right--the Tetris Queen.
Everything had it's place,
And each tupperware lid snapped closed
With that amazing satisfying "click."

I used to know how to pack every emotion up,
Just right--so neatly into my mental tupperwares.
Each one was sorted, labeled, packed--
Each lid closed perfectly,
Each tupperware stacked neatly
In the corners of my mind.
So calm, so cool, so collected.
So distant, so cold, so separated.

After meeting you,
And getting to know you,
All my tupperwares started to open.
Slowly at first, I wanted to show you
All that was within me.
I wanted you to know me,
Because I wanted to know you too.

Now all the lids on my neatly packed tupperwares
Are popping off left and right...
I don't know how to stop them...
They are falling out of their perfect little stacks,
My emotions falling out all over the floor,
Rushing like waves, radiating out into the world.
At first I scrambled to scoop up what I could--
Try to stuff everything back into the tupperwares,
Just get it all back in, I can sort it later...
But I found that trying to shove it all back in
Was as effective as scooping water with a slotted spoon.

So now...I stand back...and watch.
The emotions, the memories, the past
All radiate out into the world.
They flood me, up over my head some days.
Other days, I am caught in a slow moving pool--
One filled with hope and comfort.
Other days, it is a maelstrom,
Pulling me down into the depths
Where I feel I can't breathe, I can't think.
Both types of days pass...
Some are longer than others.

Now I stand back, and brace myself.
I try to take the exploding tupperwares as they lay.
I can no longer put it all into tupperwares,
Even when I try--it just pops right back open.

So I am sorry if you get caught in the torrent sometimes.
I am sorry if the waves overtake you too sometimes.
I am still learning how to handle this ocean...
How to swim and navigate the oceans once inside my tupperwares.

I found a piece of my heart....and my soul.

I found a piece of my heart and soul today.
Not anywhere near where I thought it would be.
I had plans, but my heart said--make a detour,
So I did...and ended up on a narrow dirt road.
One I had driven past hundreds of times,
Probably even thousands over the course of a decade.
But today, it beckoned me.
Through a grove of trees lining the roadway--
Like a perfect archway,
Suitable for one of my meccas.

I step out of my car,
There is not a soul to be seen.
Huge woodcarvings litter the lot,
Lumber scrap here and there.
Finally a sign to point me in the right direction.

I walk inside...and open my eyes wide.
Ash, Walnut, Russian Olive, Silver Maple
And so much more.
The grain of the wood echoes in my body
Like the blood running through my veins.
I reach out and run my hand along the nearest piece...
My heart leaps and my soul warms...
This is what home feels like.

I start to wander...through the narrow aisles
Made up only by standing pieces of lumber.
I run my hand along the pieces as I go--
Here are two pieces,
Obviously two souls made for each other.
They are symmetrical, but not perfect mirrors.
They compliment each other perfectly...
I can see the souls dancing here--
And I wish that one were mine,
But I know that these pieces are not meant for me.

I walk along...eventually receiving guidance.
This section here, is where you'll find what you need.
That wood over there is too hard,
It will never do what you want it to do.
This section here...it is the softer wood.
You will find what you need here.

One large room...so many pieces of lumber.
How do I know which I need?
I am left alone in this space,
Still remembering that I am trying to find my place...

I flip through the slices of trees,
The beautiful cross sections of life laid before me.
The pieces are soft to my touch,
Yet so incredibly strong.
How can I find who I am in here?

I turn around...and there it is.
It is like a mirror...a piece of me,
One that was long lost--all but forgotten,
Lost in the depths of the caverns of my own darkness.
But here it is...I run my hand along the piece...
And the echo is a heartbeat, my own.
It is well taller than I am, wider too.
But much shallower, and much harder...
But it is soft, and strong.
It is imperfect, but full of life.

It figures that I would find,
A piece of my heart,
A little bit of my soul,
At the lumber yard...
In a piece of weeping willow.

Nothing so Promising

There is nothing quite so promising
As a brand new box of crayons.
Each brand new wax character
Holds so much possibility.
What will they become?
A doctor? A doctor's coat?
A cat, a dog, a tree, a boat?
Will they play nicely with others,
Or dominate their own stretch of paper?

Each new box of crayons holds so much inspiration.
So many colors...almost too many to imagine!
So much hope, so much joy....
How does one small box hold so very much?
How can a cube of cardboard,
Frail, yellow and green--
Make me smile so broadly?

I apologize to these crayons,
Only because I know their fate.
Severe heat, death and burning.
But they will re-emerge as phoenixes from the ashes...
A beautiful piece just for me--
Their names will have some meaning,
Each will resonate in my mind and soul.

Piece one is for my past.
On life and love...
The first attempt
Is not always perfect.
Is not always what you expected,
Not always what you hoped and dreamed for.
But if you are careful and listen...
The first attempt is where you learn the most.

Piece two is for my present.
On life and love...
The second attempt
Is much different than the first.
Is not always perfect...
But this time you know what you need,
Or at least you have a better idea.
This time is much more faceted,
There is so much more promise this time.
This is not always the last attempt...there may be more.
The second attempt is where you feel safer storing your heart.

Summer Nights...

Through the cold of the winter,
All through the chill of the short dark days,
And longer, colder, darker nights...
I had forgotten the joy of the sunshine,
I had lost the hope of a warm summer night.

The dark of the winter had weighed
So heavily on my heart and soul
That I was lost.
Lost in the depth of what I had become,
Lost in the cold of how I felt,
And how the world felt to me.
Lost in the darkness of being alone,
and the darkness of those winter nights.
Lost in who I was,
and who I am meant to be.

But now that the sun is brighter,
Now that the air is warmer,
And the nights are kinder and warmer...
I have that familiar feeling in my soul,
The re-awakening of the joy within myself.

It is difficult to survive the winter some years.
It draws me in and makes me a slave.
But this year, I have to free myself
From so much more than just the winter.
This year is different.
This summer is a new awakening,
A brand new day,
A brand new sun,
A brand new look,
A brand new me.

The summer sun will drench my skin in light,
My freckles will come back out to play.
My skin will darken,
My hair will lighten.
But most of all,
My soul with soar.
My heart will leap.

I am no longer tied down to the cold,
I am no longer tied to the darkness within my soul.
Today is a brighter day than yesterday,
And tomorrow will be brighter still.

My soul warms in the rays of the sun.
I am a Ray of the Sun.

My freckles will come out to play,
My soul will soar.

Why the tulips didn't blossom this year...

The other day I accidentally called Sora "Cedric."
It is hard to believe that today is the 2 month mark since he died.
I was at my parents' house today, and it still feels so empty--so different. He has been a part of that house for 12 years....
As I have mentioned in previous notes, Cedric always loved the tulips. Today my parents commented on how they have never blossomed at their house this year. I told them it was because we lost Cedric.
I have seen the blossoms everywhere else...just not the ones for Cedric.
I know it will take a long time before I can go to that house and not expect him to be there.

2 months...and no tulips this year. They are in mourning too..

Non poetry...

It has been quite some time since I have just updated you all without using poetry. So, here is something for those of you looking for a narrative.

I have almost finished settling into my apartment. I still have a bit to finish unpacking--which I started today. So, once again my house is a mess. But I plan to have it all done by the end of the weekend. Boy would that be nice.

The semester is over, so I have started working in Denver for the summer. I am very excited about all we have to do--it's a lot, but we can do it. I just see this summer as full of opportunity, so we will see where it takes me!

Overall, I am doing pretty well I think. We had a series of volleyball games last night (I joined a league) and 1) I actually went and 2) I actually stayed and played. I really didn't feel like playing, but the floor burn on my knee and terrible bruises on my hands and wrists will tell you that I did indeed play. It was not easy, especially toward the end. But it was fun, and hopefully next week will be even better.

There are still bad days...like today. And there are some really great days (like yesterday). I just have to much to learn, so much to try to change. I still can't believe that I am here, at this point. I never imagined myself here, of course....but it is still so surreal.

In general, I am happy. I have so much to be thankful for...and I have so many opportunities ahead. I am going to California to visit my brother, Scott, next month. He has lived out there 7 years, and this will be my first time visiting him. I am so excited.

So...you know how to reach me if you want more details. Take care, each of you.

Written in gray matter...

Writing letters in my head,
So many things left unsaid.
Putting pen to paper--I am slacking,
But thoughts, I am not lacking.
So much writing I want to do,
So many things to say to you.
Trying to keep all these words inside,
All these thoughts I try to hide--
Some day they will all come out,
One day these words will clearly shout.
But for now, they all stay in my head,
As if they were all dead.

Let me be

As I struggle through each day,
As I wonder if I will make it through,
Please let me be.
I will have to take the time to see
What is really me.
I am not yet ready to unpack it all,
I am not always ready for your call.
Some days...I just have to fall.
Don't you worry,
I will get back up.
I will rise from the ashes.
But please let me be.
I will have to take the time to see
What is really me.
Some days are just more difficult to survive,
While others I truly thrive.
Other days I just need a long drive...
Not every day is sad.
Not every day is perfect.
And I know the days will get better as time goes on.
But please, let me be me.
I am trying to take the time to see
Who and what is really me.

Quiet

The stillness of the room carries me away,
To someplace I have known,
But can't completely remember.
The quiet of the room lets my mind wander,
To someone I have known,
But can't be close to now.
The solitude of the room whispers gently,
That I can be alone.

The stillness of my heart carries me away,
To a place I have never known,
But echoes in my chest.
The quiet of my heart draws me in,
To the empty rooms and caverns,
Waiting to be filled.
The solitude of my heart whispers gently,
That I can be alone.

Sand Dunes

The memories of sand and rain
Fill my mind like an hourglass.
Thoughts of smiles and laughter,
The freedom of the skies,
All better than the sweetest lullabies.
The pull of the wind,
The pull on my heart,
Knowing that all too soon it will be over.
The sun will set,
The air will cool,
And the day will be through...
It will separate me from you.

Grains of sand everywhere.
Shake out my pants,
Wash my hair,
Tap my shoes on the floor.
Still sand everywhere.
If my thoughts of you
Were made into grains of sand;
I could try to shake out my pants,
Wash my hair,
Tap my shoes on the floor,
But the sand would still be everywhere.
Everywhere.

Igloo 3

Here I stand once again,
Feeling all alone in my igloo.
There are days it feels like
Nothing will penetrate the ice.

Other days I clearly feel the sun
Shining on my face,
Melting the ice so it drips
Perfect droplets down my cheeks.
Are they tears?
Or just the ice melting?
Do I want to know the answer?

Today, I cannot move a block.
It is too much to ask today.
So I wait, seemingly alone.
Not knowing what tomorrow will bring,
Not knowing if tomorrow I will be alone.

The ice is too thick.
I am too weak.
Today, faith is lacking,
and I am slacking.

I want tomorrow to be a brighter day,
I would like to feel the sun on my face.
I want to know that tomorrow will be a better day,
I would like to feel better tomorrow.

But for today,
It is enough to live.
Enough to breathe.
Enough to have a space--
My own place.
Enough to have my children,
my dear little souls,
by my side.

Today I will be ok.
I will survive just fine,
And maybe even find a way to thrive.

Emotion from the emotionless...

I should be tired.
I should be sleeping.
But my mind and my heart are racing...
What is this I am feeling?

It's like a sunrise in my soul,
Where at last there is a break
Through the dark of night.

But I wait...patient, hopeful.
I don't want to ruin what I have just found.
I don't want to tarnish something so wonderful,
To lose this would crush my heart and soul.

This sunrise is beautiful enough.
I would rather live with the sunrise,
Than try for a glorious day and sunset
And fail...leaving the sunrise back
in the depths of night.

How do I learn to try again?
How do I get back on that horse?
The pain is still so real from the last fall,
The hurt is still so tangible.

But somehow, it all disappears in a smile.
And I am left with a sunrise in my heart,
Where none used to be.
A brightness in my soul,
Where it has been dark for so long.
A hope. A prayer. A wonderful feeling.