Friday, April 29, 2011

Senioritis...

Only one semester back in school, and I already have senioritis. Maybe it's because it's springtime...maybe it's because I am so tired of being in school. Who knows.

I am loving the spring right now...oh how I have missed it! The trees and bushes behind our house have started to grow little buds, one tree is already decked-out in tiny perfectly green leaves....it is so beautiful! The grass has even started turning green! I am so excited for summer!!

Only a couple more weeks, and I will be done with school...until the fall. But the break will be nice.

Especially since I still need to make my wedding dress. I have plenty of time....right??

Thursday, April 28, 2011

2 Months and Counting...

Two months from now, Ryan and I will be celebrating our wedding day.

I can't believe it's so close!! We have so much to do...I have so much to do...

In a way, I am really happy that the wedding plans are so haphazard and vague. Ryan and I have spent much more time concerning ourselves with our marriage than with our wedding...and I am very thankful for that.

So, we might not have the right chairs, we may run out of cupcakes, the balloons might now be the exact right colors...but we will still get married. And I am certain that I have the right person to share my vows with....regardless of whether his tie matches his shirt.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Heathen...

-Noun

1. An unconverted individual of a people that do no acknowledge the God of the Bible, a person who is neither a Jew, Christian, nor Muslim; pagan.

2. An irreligious, uncultured or uncivilized person.



Pagan

-Noun

1. One of a people or community observing a polytheistic religion, as the ancient Romans and Greeks.

2. A person who is not a Christian, Jew, or Muslim.

3. An irreligious or hedonistic person.




Hedonist

-Noun

1. A person whose life is devoted to the pursuit of pleasure and self-gratification.

(All definitions taken from dictionary.com)


Happy Easter.

I am not a huge fan of being called a heathen on Easter.

No, I did not go to a church service. But I don't attend church anyway.

Does that make me a heathen? According to Webster, no.

I do recognize and accept the God of the Bible, thereby falling into the classification of "Christian."

So, am I uncivilized, uncultured, and irreligious?

Uncivilized...at times. But not really in public arenas. I chew with my mouth closed at dinner.

Uncultured...hardly. I have been fortunate enough to have been educated about other cultures, as well as my own.

So, I guess I am irreligious.

And I am fine with that. I don't particularly enjoy, support, or believe that religions get us to "heaven." There's a relationship for that.

I don't believe it's the rules, the fellowship, the buildings, the memorized prayers that get people into their heaven or "everlasting life." I believe that it is a relationship with God and Christ.

Now, I don't talk about religion a lot...or really at all, especially on this blog. That is because I believe that each person has freedom--a freedom to decide what to believe, how to believe, who to believe. Everyone also has a freedom to not have religion stuffed into their face and down their throats all the time.

I believe that we have free will--free minds to think for ourselves. We are given guidelines for how to live and what to believe. Those guidelines are in place to help us live richer (not $ rich, but experience rich), fuller, more satisfying lives.

Remember that time Jesus yelled at all the men in the temple? Remember how angry he got? Remember how Jesus stayed away from all the "religion" and "religious people?" Yeah, that's all true. He got mad at the men in the temple because they had turned it into a house of moneychangers--i.e., a place not dedicated to worship, etc. He did not hang out with the religious people because they were so unforgiving and stuck on religion.

I used to go to church...a lot. I mean, probably 4 or 5 days a week. Have you seen "Saved?" Way back in the day...I was trying my best to be Hilary Faye...saving souls, being as perfect as can be, hating everyone who was not a "Christian," and judging everyone else's actions. There was never a "good enough," and a distinct lack of forgiveness.

I decidedly left the church because there was a distinct lack of forgiveness for me. My peers judged me for breaking up with the boy I was dating. My friends either turned against me, or ignored me...leaving me alone. My Grandfather died less than a month after I "lost" all of my friends, so I had no one to turn to. Since then, I have only ever attended church with my Grandmother or with my parents on holidays. I decided that I didn't need the church to feel like a lonely sinner.

I would also like to take this moment to articulate my support for the GLBTQ community. So often, Christians are put into an anti-gay category...and honestly, of course they have kind of earned their place there. It is not like the Christian community has been known for its extreme openness to homosexuality.

I don't believe that there is a choice involved in sexuality. I believe that you are born the way you are born, and that is the way God intended you to be. Gay, straight, bisexual, transgender...all of the above are still children of God--and that means that you are still loved by him as you are, where you are.

I don't believe that even if, by some chance, homosexuality is a sin, that it is my place to judge. I just want to be clear--I do not see homosexuality as a sin, sickness or choice. But IF it were, it is not my place to judge...because I am a sinner too--there's NO WAY you'll catch me throwing stones. We can take all our stones together and build a beautiful palace...where we can eat, drink, live, love, and thank God for making us exactly who we are.

So, please do not call me a heathen. I am not so. And please don't shy away from me because I am now clearly labeled "Christian." (Well, some Christians may disagree...so I guess that there is no label fit for me. ;-) I am ok with that.) I welcome everyone--whatever beliefs and whatever paths.

Because you know what? That's what Jesus did. And I am not a lot like Jesus...but I do my best to be what I believe he wants me to be. And I believe that is caring, accepting, loving, thoughtful and helpful.

And if you have questions about my beliefs--feel free to ask. I can't promise that I will always know the answer, but I always appreciate it when people make me think. ;-)

So...Happy Easter, Blessed Passover, Merry Sunday, Happy Day-of-the-week-that-means-no-work-for-some.

Whatever floats your boat, I hope you had a pleasant day. :-)

Saturday, April 23, 2011

I Will Roar...

How do you lighten a heavy heart? Especially when that heart is heavy because it wants to help, but doesn't know how, or doesn't think that help will be accepted?

When you get hurt...really hurt, life gets more real. When bad things happen to good people, life gets more real. When you realize that the whole world is not sunshine and ponies, and that people you love will hurt you more than you could ever imagine; life gets more real.

I can't deny my heart, and I can't deny how I feel.

Ever since my divorce, I have wanted to help other women who are or have been in my situation...even those who aren't aware of how bad things have gotten.

If I had paid attention...if someone close to me had gotten through to me...I could have avoided so much pain.

The pain that I went through...still haunts me sometimes. I can still feel it, locked beneath my bones....cracking them at times....taunting my mind with moments I when could have spared myself...it's a black hole, a tar pit that I fear will never leave my soul...

I don't want anyone to go through what I went through. It is not something I would wish on my worst enemy. So if I think that I could help someone avoid the tar pit, I will. Trying not to would be like not slamming on the brakes if I saw a dog crossing the road in front of me...

I have a voice.

It will not be silenced.

Not by hatred.

Not by indifference.

Not by fear.

Not by love.

Not by regret.

Not by anyone.

I HAVE A VOICE.

IT WILL NOT BE SILENCED.

NOT BY HATRED.

NOT BY INDIFFERENCE.

NOT BY FEAR.

NOT BY LOVE.

NOT BY REGRET.

NOT BY ANYONE.



I am Lisa. Hear me roar.

I AM LISA...AND I WILL ROAR.


I will not stand idly by.

I will not stand idly by.

I will not stand idly by.

I WILL NOT STAND IDLY BY.



I have a voice. I did not choose to have these bad things happen to me...and I should have paid attention to the warning signs. Nonetheless, it is not my fault that someone I loved choose to hurt me...

But it still shades everything I see.

It still is a black hole tar pit in my soul...

It still rips apart my heart.

And I will be damned if I let anyone I love go through it without a fight.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Another Day, Another Idea...

Another day, and another new set of ideas for my life.

Daydreaming about where we will live someday...

Maybe, a lovely lake house...

A small mountain home in a town called Strawberry...

An epic desert oasis...


A bright log cabin...


Even an older house with land...

Daydream away...

Monday, April 18, 2011

Do What You Love....

We're supposed to change our minds a thousand times, right?

Well, that's the option I am going to go with for now.

.
.
.
.


So, I am wondering....what the hell was I thinking?

For those of you who have known me for longer than a nanosecond know that I am a "free spirit," one who cannot thrive inside the box...someone who has trouble with rules...

So, why did I think that I could pull off the whole accounting thing? Now, school is going well--I have straight A's as of now. I officially got an 'A' in accounting 1. So it's not that I don't get accounting....I get it. I just don't think that accounting will get me.

Why did I wander so far from what I love? All my life I have been told, "Do what you love, and the rest will follow." So why have I turned my back on everything that I love?

Easy...expectations.

For those of you who carry the burdens of the expectations of your loved ones, you know how I feel. Sometimes the burden is light, other times it becomes unbearable. Sometimes the expectations fit who you are, other times they crush you out of the skin that you know you belong in.

Expectations.

EXPECTations.

EXPECTATIONS.

EXPECTATIONS.

EXPECTATIONS.

I never got it right,
That's how this breaks down.
I never see things through,
I always carry the weight for you,
For you...

And now I hesitate,
WIth every step I take.
I fear my back might break
If I don't leave today.

Always trying to please everyone
That I met and I ended up losing it all.
But all that sh*t is gone,
All that sh*t is gone.

I guess I felt abused,
If that something you choose?
In a cheap disguise,
I did everything for you.

Always trying to please everyone
That I met and I ended up losing it all.
But all that sh*t is gone,
All that sh*t is gone.

All that sh*t is gone.
All that sh*t is gone.
I never got it right,
I always carry the weight for you...

(All That Sh*t is Gone, by Carolina Liar)

Throughout my life, I have felt like I have lived it trying to please everyone else. I had gotten away from that, and then I walked right back into it.

So, now I find myself pulling back away.

What do I want?

I want a simple life...where I have dinner every night with my soon-to-be husband. Where I can make arts and crafts everyday and work stays at work. Where I have time for my friends and my 4-legged children. I want a life full of fresh air and adventure...

I don't need another college degree or a high-paying job for any of that.

So, here I am again...trying to decide what to do with my life. Apparently, I am just a seeker. A perpetual student and a seeker.

And that's ok.

There are plenty of things to discover and learn in this world...so I shouldn't ever be bored. ;-)

Sunday, April 17, 2011

I Shed This Skin...

I shed this skin,
The one you put me in.

I shed this skin,
The one I don't fit in.

I have lived a life,
One I don't know...
A life I lost,
A life I once wanted.
I have lived a life,
For everyone else...
It's time it is my own.

I shed this skin,
To gain some light,
To feel some truth.

I shed this skin,
To feel the breeze,
To know the earth,
To touch the world.

I shed this skin,
Because I have outgrown it.
Who I was,
And who I am,
Are not the same.

I shed this skin,
Because who I will be
Is bigger than who I was.

I have shed this skin.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Reality...

Today was not a good day.

You ever have those days...the ones that make you feel like you are just going to break...just shatter?

Yeah...today.

One of those days, where so many thoughts were running through my head...

...realizing a world created and the real world are not the same...
...the ideal world in your head is not the same as the one you live in...
...the people you think you know, you don't know at all...
...that all the bad things they say about life are actually true.

We are alone.
We end up alone.

Is it really better to love and lose, than never love at all?

That still...the only person you can rely on is yourself.
I can't rely on the people I thought I could...I only know I can rely on myself.

(Sidenote: don't freak out. This blog isn't about Ryan and I. We're good. We're actually pretting freakin' awesome. This is about another set of relationships in my life.)

Tying your self-worth, self-esteem...to the expectations of another only ever ends in pain. I can never live up to the expectations. I don't even want to anymore. I would rather disappear into the wilderness forever.

I am still so tired...tired of being let down by those I think are supposed to love me most. Actions speak louder than words...it's more than just a saying...because we all know it's true.

I grew up alone.
Aloneness is what I know best.

Why have I pretended anything otherwise?
Why have I spent so long deluding myself?
Have I learned anything?

Only not to never trust, and love with a guarded heart.

And that reality really bites.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Wednesday

It is just a pretty typical Wednesday. I went to work, came home, did some homework, and am now waiting for Ryan to come home...

I think about this blog quite often...and I wonder what I should write....I wonder what this should be.

Maybe I should stop wondering what it should be, and just let it be.

But what is it?

A daily memoir?

An online diary?

My attempts at comedy?

My attempts to relate to other people?

My attempts to share my life with others?

Nothing very interesting?

I am not sure.

So, please bear with me as I figure out what my writing is becoming. It turns out, the less pain I feel...the less interesting my writing is. At least that's my opinion...

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Quiet Moments...

It is a quiet moment for me....ahhhhhh.....

I worked this morning, and am now just pausing before heading out to get a haircut and send out invites.

I finally have my new computer! It is wonderful..so beyond wonderful. I *adore* it. Everything is so easy, so accessible, so awesome!! I am loving it!!

Life...has been crazy busy as usual. Wedding planning, work, school, everything just takes up so much time--it's so easy to get exhausted....

...but quiet moments are so welcome...