Searching...

Why is it I always feel like I am searching for something? Why are there days that my brain will just not shut off?

Sometimes, all I want is a little peace and quiet...a few moments when everything inside my brain is calm.

Once again...I am searching...for a lot...

...for a quiet moment.
...for more time.
...for reasons to keep trying.
...for more energy.
...for more resources.
...for more ways to give.
...for a way to give more.
...for who I am in this place...
...for a new place to live.
...for answers.
...for what to do with my life.
...for a new job.
...for someone...

And more...I am sure. But I am stuck at the moment, as I start my actual search for a new place to live....

There has been another change of plans. I am no longer moving to California right now...I have decided to move to Arizona.

There are several reasons why I have ended up here. The first one is because I want to be close to my Grandma--we have been very close for years. And I don't really want to move further away from her. Secondly, I already know Tucson--and I know I like it there. I was born there. I have gone there about 4 times a year for the last 9 years...I doubt there will be very many surprises moving to a town I already know.

Most importantly...I need to move somewhere I can hear my own voice...my own thoughts. Colorado has become a graveyard...of empty and broken promises, of towns I don't want to venture into...of memories...

California still beckons me--very strongly. But, I am afraid that if I move all the way out there, I will spend so much time affording to live there that I will not have any time to spend in thought, pursuing the things that I love.

So, this is my latest decision. It may change a thousand more times...but today...I am moving to Tucson.

And now comes the searching...where will be my--our new home?

Breaking Things....

I already feel broken,
I already feel all is lost.
...all was lost...

You spent your days
Breaking things,
Breaking me.

You spent your nights
Breaking things,
Breaking me.

So I spent a day,
Breaking things.

Breaking the promises you gave to me,
Breaking the disappointment in the voices,
Breaking the lies you fed me,
Breaking the ties you wrapped around me,
Breaking the failure...
Breaking the fears of a new path,
Breaking the tears of a lost life,
Breaking the lies that scarred me so...
Breaking the moment that separated me from you.

Breaking the anger I feel towards you.

Breaking the hatred I want to feel towards you.

Breaking the heart you promised you would protect.

Breaking the life you promised me.

Breaking it all to pieces...

None of it can be put back.
None of the pieces will fit again.
None of me will ever be the same again.
None of it matters any more.

Today I broke what was left...
The pieces of my heart
That still ached from my loss...
The thoughts of
How did I let this happen...
The fears of
If I will ever be able to love again.

As I stare at the sharp shards of
Each broken plate,
Each ruptured glass...
I let go of the brokenness...

The brokenness you left behind,
Pieces of my heart,
Pieces of my soul,
Pieces of my life,
Pieces of my everything.

And I walk away.

More whole for having broken everything left.

Freedom Day

This post may seem kind of odd, just as fair warning.

One year ago today, a judge signed a little piece of paper. That simple act meant that I was finally legally divorced.

It has been 365 rotations of the earth....one full revolution around the sun...there are no more days that I have not lived in this alone state.

I have been preparing for this day for a few days...I knew it would not be easy, but I had no idea what I would feel today. I honestly did not want to get out of bed--for several reasons, but partially because there was a part of me that wanted this day to escape unattended.

I am glad that I got out of bed...it is a BEAUTIFUL Colorado summer day. And I have gotten some wonderful support from some of my friends, so that has made it much easier.

I struggled with what to make today's blog about. My therapy the past two sessions has been very angry--trying to deal with the end of the marriage and how I was treated...

But, as I thought about what to write...I didn't want to be completely negative. Mainly because (and this is the thought that keeps running through my head) I don't want to feel like I wasted 8 years of my life with an ass. I don't want to feel like it was all terrible--I don't want to feel like my judgement was hugely flawed because the man I chose to marry was a total jerk.

So, in light of this, I have decided to write about the happy parts of my marriage. I just need to know that my judgement is not completely off....

I remember...

...so many things about our love.

I remember the first time I saw you.

I remember the first time we kissed, it was incredibly awkward, but we both laughed.

I remember you were the person I called when my Grandpa died.

I remember celebrating each month-a-versary, and how special I felt.

I remember you gave me a ring when I asked for one, when I needed to feel commitment.

I remember late nights, driving way too fast to get home before curfew, simply because we wanted those last few moments together.

I remember being so proud of you, seeing you on stage doing what you love to do.

I remember you wrapping your arms around me when I was cold, and how you would let me warm my icy hands up on your warm neck.

I remember how you would smile...

I remember how you would give our neighbor a beer when he'd be working on his car out in the hot sun.

I remember how you always tried to give the best Secret Santa gifts to your friends.

I remember how we spent late nights and long days helping friends remodel.

I remember how you always were there for your friends.

I remember how you were so nervous about adopting a cat, but you let me do it anyway.

I remember watching you play with Sora, and how happy we all were to be a family.

I remember our epic Soul Calibur IV battles.

I remember your smile when we would talk about MGS, and how excited you were when I could answer all your questions.

I remember it all.

The only thing I can't remember is...

...why I thought we could ever work.

So today is a celebration--of what was, what isn't, and what will be.

Happy Freedom Day.

Fixing Things....

Today I finally fixed the window in my car!! I had to disassemble the car door to do it, but it was totally worth it!

I love working with my hands. I find it meditative, soothing, calming and fulfilling. There is just something about being able to touch something, change it, and either make something or just make something better.

Sometimes I wish I could spend my days fixing things. I loved all the times that I got to fix all the machines in the shop, I loved how Ted would rely on me to fix or rebuild machines, I loved the feeling of being useful.

I do love the feeling of being useful...being helpful...being able to brighten someone else's day.

On tough days, that feeling is what gets me through.

I hope I can find something to fix...or make for tomorrow.

Crochet and Cats...

This afternoon....is lovely. I sat here thinking...I wish that everyone could see what I am seeing right this moment...

My beautiful little girl is curled up on my chest. She is looking out toward the window in our small bedroom, her eyes wide with excitement and contentment. She blinks slowly, all the while purring, sending tiny vibrations through my ribcage.

It's moments like these that I remember that my babies were on kitty death row at one point. Both Sora and Kairi came from rescues that save animals that are going to be euthanized at other overpopulated shelters.

I look at them, and I cannot imagine the world without them....I cannot imagine my world without them. They have been my constant, my tiny rocks, my reminder that I do still know what love is....and I am still capable of loving someone. That there is still something left to give out of this tin can heart.

I am so thankful for these small moments. They never seem to last long enough, and they seem so few and far between these days. But these kinds of moments revitalize me, and help me prepare for the adventures that lie ahead.

So I sit here...crochet on one side, Sora on the other, and Kairi right in the middle...and I couldn't be more grateful for my life in this moment.

Burden of Tomorrow

By The Tallest Man On Earth

Oh I was sent to find the lonesome place
Where I was lost but left to trace
By carving riddles on the lonesome vine.

Ah but rumor has it that I wasn't born,
I just walked in one frosty morn,
Into the vision of some vacant mind.

Oh once I held a pony by its flying mane,
And once I called the shadow in the turning game,
But I will fight this stranger that you should fear
So I won't be your burden of tomorrow dear.

Ah, Xavier's on the border of the sun,
Swings on the chambers of your guns,
And tries to shoot the chord and light the path.

Ah, but heel I am just a blind man on the pains,
I drink my water when it rains,
And live by chance among the lightning strikes.

Oh once I held a glacier to an open flame,
And once I felt like wildcat in the fallen game,
But I will fight this stranger that you should fear,
So I won't be your burden of tomorrow dear.

Oh the singer's on the edge to feed the canyon's mouth,
They will go on forever 'til they sing you out of time.
But I will fight this stranger that you should fear,
So I won't be your burden of tomorrow dear.

Oh the singer's on the edge to feed the canyon's mouth,
They will go on forever 'til they sing you out of time.
But I will fight this stranger that you should fear,
So I won't be your burden of tomorrow dear.

Masochist

By Ingrid Michaelson

She says, "You're a masochist for falling for me,
So roll up your sleeves."
And I think that I like her, 'cause she tells me things I don't want to hear.
Medicinal tongue in my ear.

When will it stop? When will it stop?

When will I feel all soft on the inside?
When will I feel all soft on the inside?
When will I feel all soft, soft?

You say that my skin feels like no one elses'
That it's different somehow.
But I don't understand, isn't a hand just a hand?
No you don't understand.

When will it start, my broken part?

When will I feel all soft on the inside?
When will I feel all soft on the inside?
When will I feel all soft, soft?

Oooooo......

When will I feel all soft on the inside?
When will I feel all soft on the inside?
When will I feel all soft, soft?

She says, "You're a masochist for falling for me."

Know Your Quarry

By Biffy Clyro

When I was young I first encountered my crippled lungs;
I felt them burn and cursed them ever since.
I was turning blue, in a match right in front of you.
And I slithered to the floor, hope I score some more.

I won't go where the sun doesn't shine
Go crazy in the evening if we sail upright
Love is a shadow in the brightness it dies.

Because tonight,
We raise this sun, and we shine it over everyone.
If we want a gradual hush,
Our lips should kiss each other so;
I just want to feel your body,
I want you to know your quarry.

You can see the world looking down from a different universe
Can we save every single one of them? We only have five hands.
My father cradled us; we're bright blue and we're covered in blood,
We staggered through the door, trouble is taking score.

I won't go where the sun doesn't shine
Go crazy in the evening if we sail upright
Love is a shadow in the brightness it dies.

Because tonight,
We raise this sun, and we shine it over everyone.
If we want a gradual hush,
Our lips should kiss each other so;
I just want to feel your body,
I want you to know your quarry.

I just want to feel your body.
I want you to know your quarry.

I just want to feel your body.
I want you to know your quarry.

Snakebite...

I have been working on a dress for my friend for her anniversary...and tonight is a late night...

Sometimes I lose feeling in the fingers on my left hand. That happened tonight, and I ended up with what looked like a snakebite after I stabbed my finger with my snips...twice.

Problem was...I didn't really feel it.

Or maybe that's the good news.

Understanding...

I wish I felt more understood sometimes.

It is nice when someone let you be yourself...and lets it be just that.

First Day of Summer!!!

Today was officially the first day of summer...and my favorite day of the year.

It is no surprise to anyone who knows me just how much I love summer. I wish that it could be summer year-round...and people tell me that if that were the case, then I would not appreciate the beauty of a summer day as much...I completely disagree.

When I go visit Tucson, the weather is almost always perfect and beautiful. Nonetheless, I still appreciate every sunset...every moment of sunshine I see. It's always different--but it's always beautiful.

My life is about to change so much...I don't know completely how...but I know it's going to be extreme. I am already living a life I never thought I would be living...and I am excited to see the next steps.

So...Happy Summer Solstice!! Enjoy the beautiful summer days!!

6 Weeks...

My trains of thoughts never really make sense...but, what's important is the destination, right?

So anyway--I had a series of thoughts which lead me to count out how long I have until I move....and it's only 6 weeks. It seems like only yesterday that I had 12 weeks to go...

I know that these next 6 weeks are going to fly by...so fast! The last 6 weeks have....

In the meantime...I still have some sorting to do...and some people to hang out with. Soon, I'll be a thousand miles away...and I will miss them dearly...

Having A Ball...

Tonight was an amazingly fun night!! I went with some friends to the 1940's WWII Ball at the Boulder Municipal Airport...and it was a blast!!

I learned a bit of swing dancing, got to see some cool planes up close, and spent some time with some amazing people.

I also got to wear a costume...which I love to do!! I don't get to do it very often, so I try to take the time to enjoy it when I can!!

Despite the mosquitoes...it was an absolutely perfect evening.

Weekends...

For a while, I actually looked forward to weekends. I actually got to take some days off from work, and I would do other things--climb, relax, crochet, hang out with friends...

But for right now, Mondays are my day off. So the weekends don't really have much to offer me.

I have found myself in a really melancholy mood tonight...I have a lot on my mind that I know I need to start sorting out...

I guess that I didn't realize is that I also have stuff on my heart I need to start sorting out....

I Forgot How Lonely Insomnia Can Be...

Once again...here I am....laying awake at all odd hours. The time stamp for today is right, I just switched the day back to the 17th because for me, Thursday has not yet ended.

I had forgotten what it was like to be totally alone in these early hours...no one to text, no one to chat with...

Fortunately, I do have my kids (see how I did that there for ya Pooshie?). Having Kairi curled up on my chest and Sora snoozing away by my side makes everything tolerable.

Even if I am wide awake, and I have to be back awake in 4.5 hours. Child's play.

Where have all the insomniacs gone??

The Road Not Taken

by Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same.

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the road less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
_______________________________

I memorized this poem when I was in Jr. High...and for some reason it has been running through my head rather incessantly lately.

"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood."

"Long I stood..."

"Two roads...."

Sometimes I will just hear it for hours. It's a lovely poem, but when you are trying to figure out what it all means in your life...it gets a little old.

But I still love this poem...very much.

And there will always be two roads....

I hold on to...

....sadness.

....broken expectations.

....my own failures.

I talked with a good friend today, we had been playing phone tag for about a week, and I thought that maybe he had been avoiding me...and I was right.

I am reminded of my failures....I let him down in so many ways, and I didn't trust our friendship--which I should have.

I used to push everyone away. Everyone, all the time. When the going got tough--I got going. Alone. So for me to have pushed people away this time is only a surprise because I have been doing so well at reaching out lately...I have been doing so well at letting people help me...letting them in.

But for some reason....the past few weeks, all I feel like doing is pushing away....and running away. I feel like hiding again, keeping everything tupperwared up...

Is this because I am moving soon? Is it because I don't know how to handle having to say goodbye to everything and everyone? Is this because I am afraid I will make the wrong decision? Is this because I am afraid to get hurt again? Is it because I am afraid to hurt someone again?

Or is it just really the way I am....is this just the way I am meant to be?

I Carry with Me...

....disappointment.

Not in others, but in myself....disappointment from myself and from others.


I cannot always be what everyone else needs me to be...and that leaves everyone disappointed...especially me.

I will get a text...or an email...just little things that are reminders of those I have let down because I could not be what they needed me to be...because I could not change myself to fit....

And I feel guilty for this.

I feel guilty that I could not be the perfect wife. That I could not just sit by and watch the lies roll out, let them be and move on with life. That I could not forget the wrongs done...that I finally couldn't forgive....that I left...that I caused so much pain.

I feel guilty for being someone's desire...for being the one person that they imagine spending their life with...when I know it's over. I feel guilty for not being able to be what they need...to be that person that they think that I am...for not being able to make them happy forever. I feel guilty for having loved them, and then for leaving...because I knew we couldn't be...

I feel guilty...and disappointed...that my tin can heart can promise nothing...that I cannot be the perfect girl...that I cannot be what everyone wants me to be.

I am only me.

This is all I have....

....broken pieces, overflowing disappointments, hollow heart....and endless words....

I carry with me the disappointments of 26 years...of every heart that I have broken....of every box I couldn't fill...of every downcast eye and tear shed because of me...

And because of this...sometimes I can't handle it all. I can't bear the thought of another disappointment being added to the pile...so I start lacing up my shoes....and get ready to run...

Just Breakable....Breakable....Breakable...

Isn't it funny that if a heart ever stops beating, you have to break the thing protecting it in order to save it?

In CPR training, we were taught that if you are not pushing hard enough to crack a rib or two, then you aren't pushing hard enough to keep the heart pumping--and save a life.

How does this relate to broken hearts?

I remember right after the divorce...there were moments I literally had to crush my ribcage into my heart--just so I wouldn't feel like my heart was going to explode out of my body. It was so painful--I still remember it so very clearly...

So, to bring a broken heart back to life, do we have to break through all that is protecting it?

"Do you ever think about what protects our hearts? Just a cage of rib bones, and other various parts...we are so fragile, and cracking bones make noise, but we are just breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys...." (from Breakable by Ingrid Michelson)

Dandelions...

Today...I had a thought.

What happens to all that love that we have that eventually goes away? What happens to love when we stop feeling it for someone....where does it go?

I think that it becomes all of the dandelions in the world. All that love flutters out of our hearts, and into the springtime air....nestling into neat patches of grass. Soon the lovely little yellow weeds poke their heads out--they really are kind of beautiful, but they do still choke the grass below them. Soon they age, and die--leaving behind a ghost--a memory of what they once were...which you can pluck and blow away in the breeze--sending those thoughts of love out to seed elsewhere.

The point is...the love never goes away. It transforms, it shifts....but it is still always there. The memories of love past never fail to find themselves out in the world--waiting to be discovered and uncovered....

...waiting for another moment to be felt...

All you need is love...

I'd rather have love than anything else in the world...

I'd rather have love than everything else in the world.

I feel this deeply...as I sit and remember having everything that I thought I wanted. I was missing the one most important thing...love--and the trust and respect that comes with it.

Therapy has been rough the past couple weeks. I have been working on opening my tupperwares. It's not so easy...I get stuck. I feel like I am walking a labyrinth, and I get to a certain point and just stop. Like I can't move...like there's no need to move any further.

There are two tupperwares that I have been trying to combine....rather unsuccessfully. One is the tupperware that houses my love and longing to be close to someone physically--to have a hand to hold, someone to cuddle close to on the couch, someone to wrap their arms around me as I wrap mine around them in a huge hug. The other is the tupperware that houses the emotional side of me...the one that holds my dreams, my deepest thoughts...my ability to feel close to someone emotionally.

Right now, these tupperwares live across the room from each other...they do not relate. One does not beget the other, and one does not automatically include the other. They are completely separate...like so many things in my brain.

I don't feel normal. I feel normal for me--but not normal compared to the rest of the world. I feel I have a condition that I constantly have to explain...because I am "broken" or "defective" because I don't feel or process everything the same way that the general population does--the way that is "normal."

I can take any emotion, and tupperware it in an instant. I can take anything I feel, box it up, burp the lid, and file it away. Each thing is separate to me...and it is possible to have completely conflicting emotions and hold each one completely and wholly within myself...and embrace each one separately.

I hesitate as I use the words "feel" and "emotion." To me, they are also very separate things. I have emotions. I recognize them, and file them away. I do not very often feel my emotions completely, because as they are filed, there is "emotional distance" as they like to say, and the feeling portion of the process is filed...burped...lid closed...and filed.

It all makes sense to me...and maybe that is why I am having so much trouble trying to combine these tupperwares into something I think is "normal." It seems logical to me to keep everything separate--it makes things so much clearer and easier to deal with...

....until you start to wonder if there will ever be a time that you feel like you really want to combine those tupperwares...

....if there will ever be a time you really want to be close to someone in every way...

....again.

Water World...

Water World has to be one of my favorite places. For those of you who don't know, it is a large water park here in Denver. It's huge an beautiful and amazing...and I love it.

I worked there for three years--four if you count the summer that I worked on a film that was shot there. I was a lifeguard, and I loved being a lifeguard. Besides the fact that I got paid to tan and swim, it was nice to feel like I was a part of something--it was nice to feel like I was important, because I helped save lives.

Water World holds such a special place in my heart--we share a long history....

I remember visiting Water World as a kid. The place was so big--and there was so much to do! Our parents even let us roam around on our own...so we could cause at least a little mischief.

My brothers were the first to work there. One lifeguarded while another started in concessions. I think the next year they were both lifeguards. But I would have to drive them sometimes, and I remember dropping one off, then deciding to drive to Wyoming for the day, then come back and pick him up. This is when I was still working at the library....

Finally, someone convinced me it would be a good idea for me to lifeguard too. So I applied, trained, bought the most conservative uniform (with shorts) and went for it. It was a summer of self-discovery...also the summer I would meet my future (ex)husband.

That first summer was really when I started to look at myself as a person...as someone within this skin that God had given me...as someone separate from my family, my friends, my boyfriend. I went from wearing a one piece uniform with shorts to a lifeguard bikini....and a tan to match! The shift exemplified how I had come to accept myself a little more...as a person within, but separate from the world. It was also the summer I stopped cutting.

The first summer was so...interesting. I felt awkward and powerful all at the same time. There was so much to learn--and so many mistakes to make...but it was all under the sunshine, which somehow made it all better.

I got engaged the first summer....it was somewhere in the middle....I was young...17. The ring was made of bamboo and from Cambodia....but the boy was not for me. He was gone all summer, and it took me a month and a half to realize that I was much happier when he was gone...and that's when I stopped cutting...and called off the engagement.

I still remember the day...the day I met him. He was tall, dark and handsome...he made me laugh. He wore white shoes, white socks, a blue patterned Hawaiian shirt, dark blue shorts, a dark blue cap, sunglasses and a fanny pack. He was expressive and full of smiles...

We worked at the same place again a few days later--he helped me put up my umbrella first thing in the morning because I was too short. At the end of the day, he asked for my email. Within a week, we were a couple.

The next summer, I worked at Water World again. We were still a couple--he worked there as well. We caused some trouble, some scandal--all with no effort. I remember the frustration, and wishing that everyone would just grow up...this was the summer I learned not to trust college boys...because of a group of them, I cut my foot open to the bone on one side...

The third summer was worse...and my brother broke his ankle that year. It was another summer of movie-worthy young love romance....and not much else.

It was a couple years before I was back to work on that film...we only filmed for a month, but it was a very, very long month. There were days and days and days of getting to Water World an hour before sunrise...herding people around like cats, mind reading and playing games....trying to be anything and everything to make everyone happy. This was the summer I got dragged behind a golf cart for about 10 feet or so...and spent the rest of the day doing my job-so well that my boss had no idea. I worked so hard that summer, just trying to make everyone happy...and that never works. But I have so many memories...including trying to surf on Thunder Bay...on a real surfboard. It was amazing.

When I got engaged again, I strongly considered getting married at Water World--especially since we had met there. We settled for having our engagement pictures done there...

The summer I had wrist surgery....I got a season pass to Water World. The days that I was not working as a nanny I spent laying out by the lazy river or wading around the bay, holding my arm up high so it wouldn't get wet...

Today was the first time I have been to Water World since the divorce. So much has changed....but all the memories remain. Every spot.....every ride has a memory tied to my ex in some way. A stolen kiss, a ride together, a fight....love at first sight....

It was easier than I thought it be. Maybe that's because I was distracted by the kids, but I think it's because I feel right....

I stood in Thunder Bay today, and just looked around at all the history. I could see the spot when I first met him, the new smoothie bar that was created as a result of the movie, the paths we walked...all the shared moments. But as the water rushed over and around me...I just felt free. I am no longer a slave to those moments. They are a part of who I am, but they no longer define who I am. I am no longer "so and so's girlfriend" or "wife," I am just....Lisa. Just a girl...in the world...in the water...counting as the lifeguards scan...watching as children duck under waves...smiling as the sun warms my shoulders...

I am free....the feeling of the water rushing over my skin reminds me that all that was lost is washed away...and all that is left is the feeling of newness...cleanliness.

Freedom.

I love Water World...and I am so glad that I have a season pass this year. We are going to have some wonderful moments this summer...just the two of us.

Koi

I have missed my Koi friends! Today I got to sit out by the pond and enjoy their company.

I have named them all--well, most of them. Fatty is my favorite...he will swim right up to me if the water level is high enough, and I can just drop a piece of bread in right beneath my toes, and he'll swim up and gulp it down...it's amazing to watch...

And yet--I am always reminded that somewhere out there...is my ipod. Oh...I am the most graceful...

Defying Gravity...

from Wicked

I hope you're happy.
I hope you're happy now.
I hope you're happy how you hurt your cause forever,
I hope you think you're clever.

I hope you're happy.
I hope you're happy too.
I hope you're proud how you would grovel in submission,
To feed your own ambition.

So though I can't imagine how,
But I hope you're happy right now.

Elphie, listen to me,
Just say you're sorry...
You can still be with the wizard,
What you've worked and waited for...
You can have all you ever wanted...

I know, but I don't want it, no--
I can't want it anymore.

Something has changed within me,
Something is not the same.
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of some else's game.
Too late for second guessing,
Too late to go back to sleep.
It's time to trust my instincts,
Close my eyes, and leap.

It's time to try defying gravity,
I think I'll try defying gravity,
And you can't pull me down.

Can't I make you understand,
You're having delusions of grandeur?

I'm through accepting limits,
'Cause someone says they're so.
Some things I cannot change,
But 'til I try I'll never know.
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love--I guess I've lost...
Well if that's love it comes at much too high a cost.

And still I try defying gravity,
Kiss me goodbye, I'm defying gravity.
And you can't pull me down.

Glinda, come with me. Think of what we could do, together.
Unlimited.
Together, we're unlimited.
Together we'll be the greatest team there's ever been.
Glinda, dreams the way we planned them,
If we work in tandem.
There's no fight we cannot win.

Just you and I defying gravity.
With you and I, defying gravity,
They'll never bring us down.

Well, are you coming?

I hope you're happy,
Now that you're choosing this.

You too, I hope it brings you bliss.
I really hope you get it,
And you don't live to regret it.

I hope you're happy in the end.
I hope you're happy, my friend.

So if you care to find me,
Look to the western sky.
As someone told me lately,
Everyone deserves a chance to fly.
And if I'm flying solo,
At least I'm flying free--
To those who ground me,
Take a message back from me...
Tell them how I am defying gravity,
I'm flying high defying gravity.
And soon I'll match them in renown,
And nobody in all of Oz,
No wizard that there is or was,
Is ever gonna bring me down.

I hope you're happy...

And you can't bring me down.
_________________________

The kids and I had a crafting day today, and while we were crafting we played some music videos. For some reason, I chose to play this song...I am not sure why...but I am glad I did.

As a general rule...I don't like musicals. Every once in a great while I might enjoy one--or a song from one. And this song is one I really love...

I just got to thinking about the lyrics...and about the freedom that I have been feeling lately.

I had all I ever thought I wanted...but I don't want it anymore. I am learning what it means to not follow everyone else's rules...what it means to push the limits and to push myself. I am learning what it means to trust myself--to trust that gut feeling...to stop trusting the world so much when I should trust myself more. What it means to be more than I ever thought possible for myself...I may not be able to change the world--but I can at least try.

So often I have been afraid of losing out on love...on losing love. And it's true--I lost. I lost it all...myself, my heart, my faith, my mind. I felt lost....for so long. But now....I think that I have a much better idea of what love is....love is foolish--but I still might try it sometime...someday...

Someday maybe I will find someone who will want to shoot for the moon too. Maybe there's someone else who wants to fly higher then they ever thought possible....until then--if I'm flying solo, at least I am flying free...

So...if you can't find me--look up among the stars. I'll be there--defying gravity.

Friendship...

Today, I was just enthralled with the idea of friendship...and with having wonderful friends.

More than 24 hours...

Sometimes I wish that there were more than 24 hours ini a day...like, a 36 hour day would be awesome!

I have been so crazy busy lately....but it's not because of work. It's a weird feeling--but I like it a lot. I am busy running around with friends, hiking, climbing--being alive! I love it.

But it does mean that my blog has been neglected of late....but I will get better at juggling life, and then I will be back to posting all the crazy things in my head.

But not right now, of course. Time to finish working, then time for a beautiful summer day picnic with my friends!!

Life is good....so so good.

More Goodbyes...

Yet more...and more to come.

It's going to be so difficult....saying goodbye to everything....and everyone.

But with as difficult as it all sounds, I have no hesitation about leaving....I know I must go. With a head full of memories, and a heart full of love...my feet will set out on my new adventure....so soon....

Children...

Today the kids and I went to the museum, and afterward they played in the fountain outside.

It was so amazing to sit and watch all of the children play...I laughed and laughed, smiled and giggled.

I had forgotten the joy of childhood...the freedom of laughter.

I hope I never forget again.

Climbing...

I love rock climbing. I love bouldering. I love spelunking.

For the summer, I have two jobs. One is stitching, and the other is being a nanny for two kids. I have been a nanny before for these two, and I was a bit worried about watching them again. The last summer I watched them, all they wanted to do was sit inside and play video games or watch tv. So, I was worried that this summer would be the same...when all I want to do is be outside.

Fortunately, that is not the case! I took the kids rock climbing tomorrow, and they loved it. They loved it so much they want to climb 2 days a week...which is awesome in my book.

I hope that I can instill in them the same love and respect for climbing that I have...so they too can enjoy the strength and freedom it has to offer.

Too much...

There are some days that everything altogether is just too much. Having to say goodbye so often...

The baggage just keeps piling up sometimes...

Stars and Mangoes...

...what a perfect combination...

...even better with a sunrise...