First Day of My Life

By Bright Eyes

This is the first day of my life.
I swear I was born right in the doorway.
I went out in the rain,
Suddenly everything changed,
They're spreading blankets on the beach

Yours is the first face that I saw.
I think I was blind before I met you.
Now I don't know where I am,
I don't know where I've been,
But I know where I want to go.

And so I thought I'd let you know,
Yeah, these things take forever,
I especially am slow.
But I realize that I need you,
And I wondered if I could come home.

Remember the time you drove all night,
Just to meet me in the morning?
And I thought it was strange you said everything changed,
You felt as if you just woke up.
And you said "This is the first day of my life,
I'm glad I didn't die before I met you.
But now I don't care, I could go anywhere with you,
And I'd probably be happy."

So if you want to be with me,
With these things there's no telling,
We just have to wait and see.
But I'd rather be working for a paycheck,
Than waiting to win the lottery.

Besides maybe this time it's different,
I mean I really think you like me.

Mistletoe, and Other Things

This time one year ago, I was fighting to save my marriage. Not myself, or what I believed, but that intangible thing we all recognize. I was losing myself in a battle I knew was already lost.

Going through the holidays with a facade, was so difficult...going on a vacation with a facade was easier somehow, but I knew it couldn't last long. I still can't believe that no one noticed....no one knew...

I am not looking forward to all that I will be feeling over the next week. I have not been single on Christmas for so long...since I was a young teenager.

I see things..like the mistletoe...and wish that I had someone to share it with. I wish that I had someone to cuddle me all Christmas Eve, and hold me Christmas morning.

Part of me is so angry to be alone right now...this is not what I wanted.

But I have to let that go...because this is what I have.

Do You Recognize Me?

All through the years,
I thought I knew who I was.
I stood on my own,
And held my head high.
I walked alone,
And with you by my side.

But I look at those pictures now,
And I don't know who it is.
I can't recognize
That girl staring back at me.

I walk alone, again,
My own will to keep me strong.
I smile for the photos,
And laugh when it's right...

But I still look at these photos,
And I don't see me.
Who is that woman,
And where have I gone?

Now, what do you see?
Do you recognize me?
Because I see the girl in the mirror,
And she doesn't seem like me.

Is she someone stronger?
Someone more self-reliant?
Does she love more freely?
Is she less afraid to make mistakes?

I guess we will see...

What Was Lost for What Was Gained

That ornament...
On the Christmas tree,
The sparkly clown,
It reminded me....
What has been lost.

That lovely little girl,
Will never again
Run to meet me,
Will never again
Call me "Leesee."

Her hand will never
Clasp mine again
As we cross a street.
Never again
Will we color
All through church.

This time of year
Reminds me of
What was lost.

Cousins,
Running about.
Challenging foosball.
Playing Mario.
Piggy back rides
And trampoline jumps.

Aunts, Uncles...
Extended family
All about.
Laughter and Love,
Shared stories
From the year.

Half a family...
What has been lost.

And what has been gained?

A quiet home,
All alone.
Two children,
Cuddled close by.
Kisses and warmth.
A Christmas tree,
Of my own...
My memories on display.
Moments gained.

A sense of self,
Of who I am again.
Knowing I have failed,
And knowing
I can get up again.
My own thoughts,
Processed and weary,
Incomplete and beautiful.

Another chance at Love,
At a Love that will fit me,
And not the other way around.
A brighter future,
My own future...
My own choices
And directions
Fully considered
And executed.
What has been gained.

It cannot be measured.
One cannot be weighed
Against the other.

It is only a matter of
What was lost,
And
What was gained.

In a Land of Broken Promises

As I walk,
It feels like the sand dunes,
But not in a good way.

The world shifts beneath me,
And I falter,
As I try to find my bearings.

Each day I am reminded
That I walk alone.

Each day I am reminded
Of the broken promises
That lay shattered at my feet.

I will take care of you.

I will be there for you.

I will always love you.

I want to give us a chance.

I will be all you ever need.

I want us to be friends.

As the world sinks
And as it shifts,
I feel the sharp shards
Of every broken promise.

Day by day

There are days
I feel I might not get through.

There are hours
That seem to last
An eternity.

These months,
Have passed so quickly.
So why does it feel
Like I have been alone forever?

In a few short weeks,
I will find myself
In another set of numbers
On the calendar
Which are not kind to me.

They are just numbers,
So why do I hate them so?
Why am I so anxious?
Can't I just skip February?
And maybe March too?
April is not that great,
May maybe worse.
June is not too bad,
July is even better....
But then we are back to August....

Day by day,
Hour by hour,
I have to let these memories fade.
I have to make new memories...

Day by day,
Moment by moment,
I have to take life
As it comes...
As it is.

As I am.

Isn't it ironic...don't you think?

Every day on my commute to work, I drive past the place where we went to marriage counseling.

Last week, the billboard next door changed....

It's now an ad for a divorce attorney.

Irony.

Happy Holidays...

What am I supposed to feel,

When for the first time ever

I come home to a mostly empty home,

Just my kittens to welcome me?

While they love the tree,

And the ornaments too,

I don't think they see this time of year

The same way I do.

For the first time,

I have no one to share hot cocoa with

As we sit by the fire night after night,

Discussing what to get our brothers,

And what not to get our parents,

And what wrapping paper and bows

I want to use for each.

There's no secret hiding spot

For gifts I have made,

No game of hide and seek

For what is in store for me.

There are no hints dropped for me,

And no hints for me to drop...

No mistletoe to pause under,

And only 3 stockings on the fireplace.

As I wander through each party,

There's no one beside me,

Placing their hand on the small of my back

To comfort me as I engage in social interaction.

No one to bring me a drink

Or drive me home in the ice cold snow.

But there is also no one

To hold me back,

To talk over me,

To make me worry,

To stress me out,

To hurt me so.

So in this haze of holidays,

I wish you all the best...

I wish all of you the best.

I may not be ready

To walk this part alone,

But I will.

Because I know,

It's what I need to do.

Happy Holidays.

Miss Fix-it

Why do I have to know?

Because if I know what's wrong, then I can find a way to fix it. When I started fixing sewing machines...I had no idea how to fix a machine. No one taught me what to do. I figured it out on my own. Every now and then, I have gotten some instruction for some crazy fixes, but other than that I have figured it all out on my own.

So if I know what caused the problem, then I should be able to fix it, right? I haven't met a sink, toilet, hinge, costume, machine that I couldn't fix. So why can't that be true in all things?

I have to learn that I cannot fix everything.

These hands can only do so much. This mind can only wrap itself around so much. I am not so amazing that I can fix everything....no one can.

It's not all about me.

It is not all about me.

I am only half of anything....

Except....I am all of me.

And that's all I have to offer.

That's all I can offer.

And that is enough.

I can fix me, where I need fixing. Because we all need some tune-ups here and there. But I cannot fix someone else. I cannot solely fix a relationship.

I can't be everything to everyone.

I can't be all things to all people.

I can be me. It is all that I should have to be. If I am not myself, no one will be me for me.

That sounded so weird. But it makes sense to me, and maybe it will make sense to you too.

In a nutshell:

I can't fix everything.

I can't fix everyone.

I can fix me.

I need to be me.

You need to be you.

Everything else, will work out the way it's supposed to.

Igloo 8

As the cold outside get colder,
As the days get shorter,
As the nights grow longer
And leave me stranded in my thoughts...
I wonder what it feels like to be whole again.

As the wind slices through my coat,
As the snow soaks through my boots,
As my breath leaves a trail in the air
And reminds me of how cold it is here...
I wonder what it feels like to be warm again.

It feels like forever ago
That I felt like I was complete,
Like I was enough.
I used to know everything I wanted....
Now I know so many things
That I don't want.

This cold...this snow....
Is what it used to feel like
All the time in my heart,
And in my soul.
Where you are so cold,
You're numb.
All you know is,
You're cold.
And you don't want to be....
Anymore.

There may be no more ice blocks,
Not even the imprints remain.
But the flowers have died too.
I will have to wait...
For the springtime
In my heart,
For them to blossom again.

I just have to remember,
For every winter,
There is a summer....
And every summer
Has a winter.
Every memory made
Has another waiting to be made.
Every smile has its frown...

Each feeling of loneliness
Has a balance of companionship.
Moments of doubt,
Their partners of understanding.
Days of tears,
Look for days of laughter.

I look for my days of laughter,
As I wait in my days of cold.

104 More Words...104 More Days

Fall
Leaves
Autumn
Koi
Pond
School
Work
Play
Rocks
Drives
Winter
Snow
Cold
Ice
Lost
Learning
Growing
Showing
Forgetting
Forgiving
Friends
Brother
Sister
Family
Near
Far
Gone
Yesterday
Wishing
Caring
Tomorrow
Living
Breathing
New
Old
Life
Teaching
Start
End
Broken
Found
Inches
Miles
Missed
Forgotten
Written
Left
Day
Night
Again
Eat
Sleep
Repeat
Wanting
Waiting
Ukulele
Guitar
Chords
Melodies
Verse
Phrase
Sung
Shared
Release
Renew
Disappoint
Re-appoint
Fly
Change
Strange
Sunshine
Future
Bright
Without
Within
With
Pair
Solo
Final
Begin
Once
Twice
Fail
Succeed
Bench
Letters
Saffron
Tea
Mistakes
Hollow
Fire
Warmth
Together
Hold
Smile
Joke
Laugh
Moving
Forward
Knit
Split
Forever
Done

This I miss...

I miss this feeling.
Of sitting beside the ocean.
Of having not a worry.
Not a care.
At least none that are worth thinking of.
I miss the feeling of the sand on my back,
And between my toes.
I miss the feeling of the salty air,
The warm ocean breeze.
I miss the taste of the air on my lips,
And the softness of the air
As it rests on my cheeks.
I miss the sun warming my skin,
Down to my bones,
And the sound of the waves
Crashing on the beach.

Most of all,
I miss the love I felt...
From the world,
The sand, the earth,
The water, the sun,
The stars, the moon...

I miss the feeling of being new,
Of being able to start over....
Of not having to look over my shoulder.
It was nice to forget,
To lose sight of my ghosts,
To not be haunted
And tortured by them daily.

Soon, I will miss the mountains.
And my family.
But I will not miss the ghosts.

There are days....

...I wish I had not learned to love again.

There are moments I wish I still had no feelings, and was still trapped inside my stone-cold heart.

Today is one of those days.

And this is one of those moments.

Happy Thanksgiving

It is odd...today.

It's my first major holiday as a vegetarian--but that's not why it's odd, of course.

It's odd because there is no driving around from city to city...no balancing act, no facade. Just the smiles of loved ones and friends, the smell of delicious food....and freedom.

It is odd to feel like I am missing out on seeing more than half of my "family." For years I have spent holidays with them...celebrated life and overcoming obstacles....and now we have little to no contact. It sure is different.

This is the first of many, I am sure. And it's ok. It's kind of nostalgic actually....like being a kid again a little bit.

That doesn't make it any less odd though.

Nonetheless, Happy Thanksgiving. I have much to be thankful for--friends, family, health, my children. Truly a day to be filled with thanks!

All I Want is You

What is it,
About me....
That frightens people...
That puts pressure on people...
That makes them feel judged,
Like they have to change,
Like they are not good enough?

All I want is you.
You as you are,
As you like to be.

If it doesn't work...
Then it doesn't.
But I never want
For you to be something
You are not.
I never want you to
Be in fear,
To be so unsure.

But if it's not worth the risk...
If you are not sure
If it's worth the risk--
Then it's not.
And let's not.

I can already feel
My heart breaking.

Again.

It doesn't hurt any less.

Alone

Countless nights now.
I thought they were through.
I remember counting down,
The last of the alone nights...
And feeling so excited,
So completely elated.

It's colder now...
In these new rooms.
I am glad they are new...
I could never stay
In the old ones.

As I sit alone...
I wonder where you sit.
If you are also alone.
But it doesn't matter.

My heart aches...
For what was lost.
For how it was broken.
Even after I loved again,
It broke once more.

I forgot...
This is why I
Find relationships.
I am more at ease
Caring for someone else
Than I am
When caring for myself.

It is so quiet...
In these new rooms.
So very very quiet.
I don't mind it mostly.
But nights like tonight,
I really do.

I wish someone were here,
To listen about my day.
To comfort me as I recover.
For me to make dinner for...
Yeah, that's a new one.

I wish someone were here,
To share my space,
To hold me tight.
For me to care for...
And for me to hold onto...

It's not the same...
No one wants to hear
All about my day.
No one wants to hold
Me tight and dear.

But I couldn't stay
Where we were.
We couldn't stay
Where we were.
It was not right for
Either of us.

As much as it hurts now,
And as cold and quiet
As is it now...
I know it will be
Better...
For us both.

I only know it's true...
Because I know
That it's already better.
Despite the cold,
Even with the quiet...
Including each night
I spend alone...

I know it's better...
For you...
And for me.

In These Pictures...

What went wrong?

I ask myself that all the time...about so many things...

But tonight it's about our love....and our marriage. I found myself tonight caught up in browsing through our old photos...and in many of them I find myself wondering who that woman with you is...then I realize it's me.

It feels like a different life. Like a completely different person, someone I don't know.

It was one year four days ago that I left for the first time. You had told me that you never believed that I would stay...that you never believed my marriage vows to you. I was heartbroken. We were already on rocky ground...I had been telling you for months. Then you also admitted that you felt you could never be yourself around me...that you were always walking on eggshells.

Sometimes I am just completely baffled at how I ended up here...alone. Nights like these, when I walk in the door...and it's just the cats welcoming me. Nights I spend in complete silence...except for the hum of the heater and my occasional guitar strumming...if only it were just as quiet inside my head.

As I look through our pictures...I wonder when exactly it was over. I wonder when it was over for you...and for me. I knew more than a year ago that it was done....when did you know?

I hate that we can't be friends. I tried...you shot me down. But I guess it's better...for someone anyway.

I do get mad...that it's over sometimes. This is not what I had intended....and I know I did not fail alone. I get angry...

I have been ill...and tonight I was visiting my parents and Grandma. Grandma, of course was fussing over me, and I told her, "Don't worry, I've been sick before."

My Dad replied, "Not single."

Those simple words reverberated through my ribcage like a gunshot. It's difficult enough to come home to be alone...to not have someone to hold on to or hold you...to not have someone you can talk to all about your day every day...but then to be reminded of it...kicked while you're already down.

Frankly, it's not easy for me to be single. I see myself much more clearly reflected in the eyes of another...trouble is...in these pictures, I already knew I didn't like the reflection I saw.

What makes it most difficult, is once I found a reflection I liked...it was taken from me.

In these pictures...we looked happy--and sometimes we were. Sometimes I was happy. But no one knew we were on the brink of divorce. Oh...what a facade...

So what went wrong? So many things.

And I am still reeling. Still alone in so many ways. Still angry with you for so many things. And I know you don't care.

I guess that's the last thing that's wrong.

I Can Break And Take It With A Smile

Bend and Not Break
Dashboard Confessional

I catalog these steps now--
Decisive and intentioned,
Precise and patterned specifically to yours.
I'm talented at breathing,
Especially exhaling,
So that my chest will rise and fall with yours.

I'm careful not to wake you,
Fearing conversation.
It's better just to hold you,
And keep you pacified.
I'm talented with reason,
I cover all the angles.
I can fail before I ever try.

Try to understand there's an old mistake that fools will make,
And I'm the king of them, pushing everything that's good away.
Won't you hold me now (I will not bend, I will not break)
Won't you hold me now (I will not bend, I will not break)

I am fairly agile,
I can bend and not break.
Or I can break and take it with a smile.
And I am so resilient,
I recover quickly.
I'll convince you soon that I am fine.

Try to understand there's an old mistake that fools will make,
And I'm the king of them, pushing everything that's good away.
Won't you hold me now (I will not bend, I will not break)
Won't you hold me now (For you I rise, for you I fall)

Just hold me close to you, just hold me close to you.
Just hold me close to you, just hold me close to you.

Try to understand there's an old mistake that fools will make,
And I'm the king of them, pushing everything that's good away.
So won't you hold me now?
Won't you hold me now?
Now, now, now, now.
______________________________________

This came on my ipod alarm this morning...I have heard it before, and keep thinking to write about it, but have been forgetting about it or have just been too busy. Nonetheless, here are my thoughts...

I understand this song very well...there is this feeling of wanting to do everything possible to please someone else, to do whatever it takes to be what they need...changing all you have to, just to be what someone else wants you to be. but then comes the distance...of pushing all that's good away, because it is out of your control.

I am talented with reason....I do cover every angle...and there are times I definitely fail before I even let myself try. I have been so ruled by logic, over-thought so many things, it's what I know best.

I can bend and not break--and i will recover quickly, convince you that I am fine--because that is what you will need me to be.

Today I discovered that my desire to help another person--to care for another person, is great than my desire to care for or help myself.

And that made me sad...because I want someone to feel the same way about me.

I can break and take it with a smile...it's one thing I am very good at. Extremely good at.

Someone won't hold me now...

I could be precise and patterned just to you....but can you return the favor?

Reasonable?

I have heard this so often lately--and I have used it as well.

Isn't it reasonable?

What if I don't care if it is or not?

Maybe I want the most UNREASONABLE things in the world?

What if I do want the most impossible?

Is that a problem?

I don't think so.

For the first time...

...I miss it.

I get it.

Maybe it's the fever talking, but for the first time--I miss having someone to take care of me.

And it's not just that this would be a lot easier with someone bringing me endless cups of tea or running to the store to get soup...

....it's that bond I miss the most. Being so close with someone that you know they will care for you, even when you're at your worst. Being able to trust someone so completely that it doesn't matter that you can't give a thing--they want to give to you. That it doesn't matter the obstacles...they want to be there for you.

Having that bond...or maybe the illusion of that bond broken is traumatizing...still.

I constantly worry I will never find that bond again....that I will never be able to let someone in that close again. I tried...and failed.

How many times must I break 'til I shatter?

I am trying....to let people into the little crevices....to let them care for me. But it even took several hours to let my Dad come out and bring me a humidifier.

I seem strong....at least that is what I am told. But I definitely feel weak.

When will I be strong enough?

I Try

I try with my eye
To send sparkle your way.

I try with my hands
To hold yours tightly in mine.

I try with my smile
To make you smile as well.

I try with my laugh
To coax one out of you.

I try with a hug
To pull you close to me.

I try with my words
To tell you that I care.

I try with my actions
To show you that I care

I try with my heart
To let you in with me.

I try in my mind
To see how this will work.

I try with all I have
To make this work.

I try with every tear
To change what may be.

I try with every sigh
To make you ready
To be with me.

I try in every way...
And I feel like I am ready.

I try
Not to cry.

Coin Toss

A little later on that year,
I told you that I loved you dear,
What do you know....

This you weren't prepared to hear.

Life Less Ordinary, Carbon Leaf
_____________________________

Ever been on both sides of the same coin?

A Question.

We always ask,
"Why me?"

I just need to know,
"Why not me?"

Goodbyes

I am tired of Goodbyes.
Ever see that episode of M*A*S*H?
I am BJ Honeycut.
I don't want to say Goodbye...
Because I don't want us to have to part.

I have had too many of these partings lately.
Heartbreaking, heart wrenching moments.
I am not sure how many more of them I can stand.

Some have been Goodbye in this life,
Others just for now...
Still more that are not spoken,
But felt within the soul.

My heart remains heavy...
As I watch you leave.
I won't cry on the outside,
But please know my soul is soaked
With the salty tears of our Goodbye.

I will be there for you.
This is just Goodbye for now.
If you ever need a friend to walk beside you for a spell,
Or someone to help you stand,
I'll be here...
With an outstretched hand.

Thank you for what you have been to me here,
A huge support, a pillar;
A sense of joy,
Of positivity.
The best friend anyone could ask for.

Be safe.
Be fearless.
Be yourself.
Your friend I will always be.

Matters of the Heart

Only matters of the heart
Stop me in my tracks.

I have never been here before,
I have never felt this lost.

But I have never felt so alive,
Never felt so free.

These matters, so confusing,
Taunt me, twist me.

These matters, so uplifting,
Caress me, cradle me.

These thoughts are not perfection
And it's nice to know you don't think so either.

I am not perfection,
And I hope you don't think so either.

But these matters of the heart,
Draw me closer to you.

They bind me to you,
Little by little...yard by yard.

They make me wish I could be beside you,
And you beside me.

That we could share a perfect harmony,
Despite our imperfections.

All these matters....
Pull me apart sometimes.

Because all that matters,
Is how much love remains.

A Mandolin Tune

I imagine your fingers on my skin

As though you were playing your mandolin.

The music would be,

A kiss from me,

And hopefully a little harmony.

I'd sigh as your fingers brushed my lips,

And laugh as they rushed across my hips.

As you run your fingers through my hair,

I'd kiss you without a single care--

As if the world were never there.

Your fingertips could coax out of me
A tune sung so sweetly,
A song only for you--
A secret between us two...
A joy known only by a few.

When you've played your tune,
Lock me up in your room.
Keep me tight in the case of your arms,
Safe from all the world's harms
And enamored with all of your charms.

We'll play one tune, maybe two--
Who knows when they will be through.
But we'll go on each day,
And continue to play,
So long as we are in tune.

In Process

It has been a while since I have posted, so I thought I would take a moment for a quick update. I have several blogs in process--but they will have to remain that way for a while...

Life is crazy, wonderful, hectic, confusing--all as usual. But it is going very well at the moment...I am very fortunate to be surrounded by wonderful friends and family, and each day is a reminder of how lucky I am.

The fall has moved in...and the cold as well. It is always this time of year that I forget how cold I can feel...how cold the weather can really be. But yesterday as I was driving to work...I had a wonderful thought...

...last winter.

I have decided to move to California in the spring, and so this should (in theory) be my last winter in Colorado--at least for the time being. I am both very much looking forward to not having another winter like this...but also feeling sad about leaving...

Colorado has been my home for so long...it is hard some days to imagine leaving. But then in true Colorado style...it gets so freaking cold I think my vital fluids are going to freeze. Then thinking of leaving is WAY easier...

So, non-poetic update. Not super exciting....yet.

Transcontinental Heartbreaker

It was a joke...
Or at least it was supposed to be.
Our band--even tho we are not musically inclined.
It was more in jest...
That we were to be
Transcontinental Heartbreakers.

It was a funny thought,
For a while....
Then I felt
What it was like
To break someone's heart.

Now, it's not quite as funny....
Especially when I know
Another
Transcontinental Heartbreaker.

I'll watch you go....as you watch me leave...

Can't Take It
All American Rejects

You speak to me I know this will be temporary
You ask to leave, but I can tell you that I've had enough
I can't take it
This welcome is gone and I've waited long enough
to make it and if you're so strong you might as well just do it alone
And I'll watch you go

Step up to me I know that you've got something buried
I'll set you free
You set conditions, but I've had enough
I can't take it
This welcome is gone and I've waited long enough
to make it and if you're so strong you might as well just do it alone
And I'll watch you go

Come back home, won't you come back home?
You step in line, you got a lot to prove It comes and goes
Yeah, it comes and goes
A step in time, yeah it's a lot to move

I know this will be temporary
I know this will be temporary
I know this will be, but I've had enough
I can't take it
This welcome is gone and I've waited long enough to make it
and if you're so strong you might as well just do it alone
And I'll watch you go I can't take it

This welcome is gone and I've waited long enough
to make it and if you're so strong
you might as well just do it alone
And I'll watch you go

Truly?

Someday You Will Be Loved
By Death Cab for Cutie

I once knew a girl,
In the years of my youth
With eyes like the summer
All beauty and truth.
In the morning I fled,
Left a note and it read:
"Someday you will be loved."

I cannot pretend that I felt any regret,
'Cause each broken heart will eventually mend.
As the blood runs red down the needle and thread,
Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved, you'll be loved,
Like you never have known.
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams.
Just a series of blurs,
Like I never occurred.
Someday you will be loved.

You may feel alone when you're falling asleep,
And every time tears roll down your cheeks,
But I know your heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet.
Someday you will be loved.

You'll be loved, you'll be loved,
Like you never have known.
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams.
Just a series of blurs,
Like I never occurred.
Someday you will be loved.

You'll be loved, you'll be loved,
Like you never have known.
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams.
Just a series of blurs,
Like I never occurred.
Someday you will be loved.
Someday you will be loved.
_______________________________________

Do you ever wish that songs were promises? That there were some sort of guarantee? That singing along would be worth something?

That's how I feel about this song. It seems like a promise...but is it an empty promise?

Someday will I really be loved? And will all the memories holding me back really become a series of blurs?

Does my heart belong to someone I have yet to meet?

So many questions...so few answers.

Nonetheless, I do hope that someday I will be loved...the way I need to be loved, the way I long to be loved. I know I had love...but somehow it all fell apart...it disintegrated, like sand blown away right under my feet...

And every time I really thought that I had found it...I was wrong. So how will I know?

I thought I was ready for love now...but I am not so sure right now...maybe I am and I just don't know it. Maybe I'm not. I am just going to roll with the punches...and see where that gets me.

And don't worry...someday you will be loved too. Just remember to sing along...

Happy Birthday

Tomorrow is your birthday,
And I don't know what to say.
For months now we've been apart,
Healing the broken shards of our hearts.
I don't know if I should call--
If you would want to hear from me at all.
I sent you a card with happy wishes...
Maybe you already have someone to share your kisses...
So as you celebrate without me,
(As it needs to be)
Alone for the first time in 8 years,
I pray you shed no tears,
That you get all your favorite toys,
And are filled with unlimited joys.
I pray that if you think of me,
That you will remember our time fondly,
That no hatred against me you'll hold.
Because as you've been told,
I never meant to cause you pain,
And I hope this was for mutual gain.

So Happy Birthday to you,
May you find in your heart what's true.
And remember this is what I had to do,
Not everything is about you.
But still, Happy Birthday to you.

Asses

I see the world through rose-colored glasses,
I prefer to walk against the masses,
'Cause they're slower than molasses
And half-full of asses.

But in my rose-colored glasses,
I see much greener grasses.
And as time passes
I see life like a set of classes.
It's time to take out all my stashes
And as the picture flashes,
All my checks life cashes
As I breathe all the poisonous gases...

I see the world through rose-colored glasses
With much greener grasses.
And I'll bat my eyelashes
In front of all of the masses,
Wait as the world mashes
And totally rehashes
All my deep gashes...

No matter how hard the world bashes
I'll see it all through rose-colored glasses
And I'll dwell on greener grasses.

100

Wow...this is my 100th post. Not my 100th blog entry, but the 100th that I have posted. There are a few waiting to be finshed, waiting for the right time...but this is the 100th one to make it out into the world.

I started this blog a year and a month ago. It was meant to be a venue for me to start to rediscover myself...I never knew how far that journey would take me...

When I started this blog, I never would have guessed that I would be here now. As my Grandpa would say, "it has taken many rocks to form my road"...but I am thankful for each one, because each has lead me to where I am today. And I am pretty OK with where I am at now.

Some things still need to change....for sure. But I am moving in the right direction....slowly, but steadily.

So in honor of today's 100th post, here are 100 things about me...because this blog is all about me.

I am a lactosucrovegetard.
My favorite color is purple...
With orange as a close second.
I have 2 beautiful children...who happen to have 4 legs and fur.
I hope someday to be a lyricist.
I like to hula hoop....
And yes, I own a hula hoop.
I love woodworking.
I heart Star Wars....
And I can kick your ass at old school PS1 Masters of Teras Kasi.
I have a wonderful marble collection,
As well as a swizzle stick collection both from around the world.
I love to write (of course) and hope to publish books someday.
I love what I do--sewing and patterning are so enjoyable to me.
I am claustrophobic.
I used to dye my hair blonde...super blonde. (Brunettes totally have more fun.)
I find Robot Chicken hilarious.
I really enjoy watching anime...like Naruto, Spirited Away, Princess Mononoke...
When I was a child, I wanted to be: a doctor, veterinarian, architect, painter...
Now I just want to be happy.
I once lived in the town with the world's oldest continuous rodeo.
My first job was in a library....I restocked books.
I feel guilty for wanting a leather jacket and leather motorcycle boots.
I am an insomniac (in case you haven't noticed).
I hate listening to voicemails.
My car is the best car ever. 35+ mpg. Up to 55 mpg.
I am a texting maniac...love it.
I want to learn to play the guitar....
And the ukulele.
I am the tetris queen...for packing and loading the dishwasher.
I am slightly addicted to FaceBook...
And chewing gum...
And shoes...
And huevos rancheros with green chile.
I love the beach,
And collecting sea shells on the beach.
My Grandma is one of my best friends in the world.
I have built a computer.
I can take apart a remote control...
And I can put it back together.
I can change the oil in my car.
I have broken my collarbone,
And my nose...
And my good friend's nose. (She'll forgive me someday...)
I got a 4.0 in high school.
In 3rd grade, I told my Dad they had spelled my middle name wrong.
So for about a year, I spelled my middle name "Marrie."
I am best friends with lyrics.com. I cannot stand not knowing the right lyrics to a song.

I am super proud of the scar from my wrist surgery...it is a battle wound.

I love scars in general.

Telling scar stories is one of my favorite past times.

I used to be in band,

I played the flute.

I quit because I never learned to read music.

I also used to be in choir...

Quit because I almost fell off the bleachers at a concert.

I just went to my first concert ever this month...and loved it.

I love rock climbing...

And spelunking....

Without ropes or harnesses.

I love the desert,

Not the biggest fan of snow....especially driving in it.

I love mountain driving...

I love driving in general.

In high school I used to drive to Chugwater, Wyoming for fun. Then turn around and come home.

I can sew both left-handed and right-handed.

I have 6 nieces and one nephew.

My family--all of it--is the best in the world.

I am extremely blessed with amazing friends. Like ridiculously blessed.

In addition to this blog, I have a series of journals. I am writing in 3 at this point in time.

My first word was "no." I still don't pay attention to it. ;-)

I can toast the perfect campfire marshmallow. Sheer perfection.

My eyes are blue with a small dot of brown under the iris.

I have a blinking problem. Seriously, I forget to blink.

So I can beat you at a staring contest...any day.

I am really good at thumb war. Really good...

Because I have double-jointed thumbs.

Growing up I used to have a pet monkey....Peanut...

And a pet pig....Hamlet.....

And pet ducks...Huey, Dewey, and Louie.

Yes, my children are named after video game characters...

Because yes, I love video games.

I have three pen pals...all under the age of 14.

I strongly believe in the handwritten word...

But can't remember the last handwritten letter I got....I miss those.

I love to write letters. If you want one...send me your address. I will send you one.

I always wonder what other people see. Always.

My mind is almost always racing. It is hardly ever quiet in here.

I can take something apart in my head--see the insides. It's like x-ray vision. ;-)

I didn't really wear makeup until I was around 19.

I love wearing heels.

I love the sound of my heels on the ground...click...click...click...

Tulips are my favorite flower...because of Cedric.

I do not regret getting married.

I regret not listening more carefully to the advice I received before getting married.

I do not regret getting divorced.

I regret the loss we have both endured.

I believe in rolling with the punches, and moving forward.

I still believe in love. I know it's out there waiting for me.
And I will never give up hope on that.

100 things...for 100 posts.

Thank you for caring enough to read about my journey. I appreciate those of you who read this, it means more to me than you know.

Thank you. Love to you.

There's a boy...

There's a boy,
Who held my heart for years.
He promised me the moon,
But only gave me tears.
We had some laughs and fun,
As well as plenty of happy days,
But now it's all over and done
In oh so many ways.
He held my hand,
And grasped it tight--
But only to help him stand,
Which left me alone to fight.
He fell in love with my looks--
The least part of me--
He forgot I read books,
And how thoughtful I like to be.
He gave me a ring
And promised he'd always care for me.
But a ring doesn't mean a thing,
If your heart he doesn't care to see.
One day he made me his wife,
A day full of love and joy.
But through the course of life,
And being treated like a toy--
Inside my heart began to ache

When he stopped caring to find

What was best for my sake.

So my heart I had to unbind,

Decide it was finally time

To take my heart in my hand,

Remember it was truly mine

And alone, learn to stand.

There's a boy,

Who took me by surprise.

We were just friends,

Those were our ties.

But that came to an end

With all the butterflies

And kisses he did lend.

I saw myself through his eyes--

I was kind and caring and lovely--

This caricature I did not despise.

Here I saw who I wanted to be--

Reflected in his touch,

Shining by his side,

Every moment I loved so much.

Until a piece of me died,

When he said he was going away,

For months on the other side of the sea.

What I thought...I never did say,

He needed a chance just to be.

So for months and weeks

He was far and separate from me.

I was left hoping my love he would seek,

That "us" he would finally see.

While away in his distant land,

He chose to light an old flame.

He chose to hold her hand,

And whisper her name...

Leaving me alone in the dark,

Not telling me the desires of his heart.

While on his adventure he embarked,

He let me drift away, further apart.

The day I said I was done,

He told me he was not...

He remembered all our fun,

And the adventures that we sought.

He said he wasn't ready--

That he saw what was there,

And he couldn't promise to be steady,

But he wanted "us" to be here.

I gave him another chance,

Letting him keep his place in my heart,

Because I knew it was more than happenstance...

I also did not want us to part.

When finally he held me in his arms,

And gave my lips another kiss,

I fell again for all his charms,

Because each one I did miss.

But it would all change after one night--

All my hopes, his misread signs,

It felt so right,

But was so wrong this time.

I would forsake every ounce of romance,

I would rescind every kiss,

Redo this dance....

If his friendship I wouldn't have to miss.

There's a boy,

Who always gives me a smile--

Who sees me and is full of joy.

I hope he stays a while...

With my heart he's taken special care,

With the gentlest touch he's reached out

To let me know he wants to always be there...

But I always have my doubts.

All my words he reads on his own--

He's not afraid of my thoughts...

He cares to know each seed I've sown,

Even when deep inside I am caught--

Lost inside my own maze,

He still reaches out his hand

And in oh so many small ways,

Lets me know he wants to help me stand

If I ever fear I'll fall.

And as my heart heals,

He's still there if I call,

No matter what my heart feels.

There's a boy,

To whom I am meant to be tied.

He won't mind eating soy,

He will never have lied--

At least to me or my heart.

He'll take me to the airport,

While around the world I go--

My every move he will support.

And his love he will always show.

He'll smile when I say "No meat."

And respond with "No cheese."

He won't mind that I'm not very neat,

And that I hate skis...

He'll join me as I climb rocks,

And laugh at my argyle socks.

My cats he'll call his children,

My bed he'll take the other side.

To every piece of him he'll let me in--

He'll keep trying--despite having tried--

To love me more every day,

To kiss me with a little more love,

To care for me in every way...

And he will succeed--go beyond and above.

Every night he'll tuck me in tight,

Hold me so very near

And tell me "I love you dear."

In my bed he'll tangle with me,

Wrap his arms around my waist

Let us in the silence be,

And not consider it a waste.

There's a boy

Who will hold me tight--

But not to suffocate,

But just right.
In every way he'll be my perfect mate.
One day he will ask me for my hand,
And say, "I will always help you stand.
You might not always need me,
But forever by your side I will be."
He'll take my hand in his own,
And say I'm the best girl he's ever known.
He's out there, looking for me.
Fighting for a chance for us to be.

Just how much...

You have no idea how much this hurts sometimes.
It was never a game to me, it was always all that I had to give.
I don't know if you ever felt the same.
To think that maybe it was all fake,
That it was all just a game...
Something to get you by...
Is more painful that I can explain.

I think I need to run,
I really need to fly...
Far far away from this...
Far away form these feelings
That will not let me be.
I am angry,
I am wounded,
I am bleeding.

And I don't think it matters.
I don't think you will ever know...
Just how much this hurts sometimes.

I don't want to ride this roller coaster anymore...do I?

End of the World
By Matt Alber

I don't want to ride this roller coaster.
I think I want to get off.
But they buckled me down,
Like it's the end of the world.

If you don't want to have this conversation,
Then you better get out,
Cause we're climbing to our death.
At least what they want you to think.
Just in case we jump the track,
I have a confession to make,
It's something like a corkscrew...

I don't wanna fall,
I don't wanna fly,
I don't wanna be dangled over,
The edge of a dying romance.
But I don't wanna stop,
I don't wanna lie,
I don't wanna believe it's over.
I just wanna stay with you tonight.

I didn't mean to scream out quite so loudly
When we screeched to a halt.
I'm just never prepared,
For the end of the ride.
Maybe we should get on something simpler,
Like a giant balloon.
But I've got two tickets left, and so do you.
Instead of giving them away to some stranger,
Let's make them count, come on--
Let 's get back in line again and ride the big one.

Don't you wanna fall,
Don't you wanna fly...
Don't you wanna be dangled over
The edge of this aching romance?
If it's gonna end, then I wanna know
That we squeezed out every moment.
But if there's nothing left,
Can you tell me why
That is it you're holding onto me
Like it's the end of the world?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bTvJdpkdLiw

__________________________________

I use songs and lyrics a lot, in case you haven't noticed.  This usually comes either when I am incredibly inspired by a song or when I haven't had time to sort out what is inside my head and heart.  This one is both.

I feel like I have been on a roller coaster for months...and the ride has been far too long.  So why can't I just get off?  Why can't I just give away my remaining tickets and cut my losses?  I know I am riding alone...

I guess I just want to know that I gave it all I had.  That's how I am...that's why it took me so long to leave my marriage--I had to give it every single chance I could.  I can never give anything less than everything that I have...and that's how I get most hurt.  I will never stop giving...until the pain overpowers me.  Then I know it's time...

How do you know it's time?

Am I the only one willing to go so far?  

Please Be Gentle

You are too kind,
You are too sweet.
Before I even knew it,
You were being gentle with my heart.

I always wanted to be a small engine mechanic...

Going back to bookends....I just had to partially disassemble and then reassemble the same machine I disassembled and reassembled at the beginning of the summer. Fortunately, this round was much less traumatic. Round 1 left me with a couple scars (literally--that machine wanted to kill me I think), but I emerged from Round 2 with nothing more than greasy hands.

I love seeing how things go together--how things work, why they are the way they are. Everything--from cars to bikes to rollerblades to industrial sergers--I just want to know how it all works. So I always find it great fun when I get to take apart and out machines back together (as long as they don't try to kill me.)

I am kind of the "machine whisperer" in the shops I work in. When no one else can get a machine working, usually I can. Somehow I can look at a machine (and by "machine," just know I mean sewing machine) and see how it is all supposed to go. Even when faced with pieces removed in the dark...it doesn't take me long to figure out what's right.

It's logical. Completely logical--this follows that and this piece goes here...it makes sense to me. Being a small engine mechanic seems to be second nature to me.

So why can't I understand love? Why can't I understand why one emotion follows the other when it seems it should be the opposite? Why can't I understand why I feel the way I do...or why others feel and don't feel something?

It makes no sense to me whatsoever. I can't figure it out.

If I had to trade...would I rather be a small engine mechanic or understand love...what a choice.

I am actually not sure which I would choose...

265

I Will Follow You Into the Dark
By Death Cab for Cutie

Love of mine,
Someday you will die.
But I'll be close behind,
I'll follow you into the dark.
No blinding light,
Or tunnels to gates of white.
Just our hands clasped so tight,
Waiting for the hint of a spark.

If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied,
Illuminate the no's
On their vacancy signs.
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks,
Then I'll follow you into the dark.

In Catholic School,
As vicious as Roman rule,
I got my knuckles bruised
By a lady in black.
And I held my tongue
As she told me,"Son,
Fear is the heart of love."
So I never went back.

If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied,
Illuminate the no's
On their vacancy signs.
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks,
Then I'll follow you into the dark.

You and me,
We've seen everything to see.
From Bangkok to Calgary....
And the soles of your shoes
Are all worn down,
The time for sleep is now.
There's nothing to cry about,
Cause we'll hold each other soon,
In the blackest of rooms.

If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied,
Illuminate the no's
On their vacancy signs.
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks,
Then I'll follow you into the dark.
I'll follow you into the dark.
______________________________

I have had this song on repeat for the past three days....and according to iTunes...I have listened to it roughly 265 times in those three days. Don't judge me.

I really like this song...it's quiet, pensive tone; the sweet thoughtful lyrics...and the overall thought behind it. Hence why it has been on repeat for days.

When it comes down to it, this is what I have been thinking about lately....who would...who will follow me into the dark? Anyone? No one?

Two cats....they will. Two beautiful black cats...my babies.

That's all I need, right?

Melons and Collies

Melancholy.

Melon. Collie.

My melons and collies are all mixed up...and so I am stuck far inside my head now. I am having a hard time finding my way out today. I just keep wishing for butterflies and Jesus lizards instead of melons and collies. I know that doesn't make sense to you....but it does to me.

Only because it is difficult being so stuck inside my head in this way. I'll find my way out...eventually. It just always takes time...and I am impatient.

I wish the melons and collies were neatly separated...

Igloo 7

I can see the sun shining...
But it's far away,
And not on me.
I know the clouds will blow over,
And the sun will warm my face.

But not in this moment.

I look for a hand to hold,
I look for that smile,
The one that coaxed me out
Of my igloo in the first place.

But it has evaporated...
Like the water from my ice blocks...
And there is nothing left,
Only the memories,
And the impressions
The ice blocks left on the ground.

I am afraid that my flowers are dying...
My pieces of hope are withering.
It has taken all my strength
To withstand it all thus far...
I am barely standing.
How can I help these flowers grow
When all I can do is save myself?

Some days I wonder....
Am I back inside my igloo?
Have I already shut everyone out again?
But I look to the sky,
And I see the clouds.
And I know there's no more igloo.

This is what it's like.
What it's like to feel.
To feel it all.

I'm working on it...

I have had these thoughts lately, and I am not sure how to classify them. I am not sure if I should be happy with them or find them very depressing.

I have always been strongly independent...a no-brainer for those who know me. I have always liked to do things my own way, in my own time. I always thought that I never needed anyone--I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself.

Over the past couple months, there have been lots of incidents that have only reinforced those thoughts. I need my family--that is also a no-brainer, but I am talking about needing a significant other. I am afraid sometimes that I have become far too comfortable taking care of myself and relying only on myself that I do not know how--that I am incapable of relying on another person.

But when you are consistently disappointed, let down...feeling strewn aside or chosen last, it becomes more difficult to actually let yourself rely on another person. Trying to be "vulnerable" or "open" with other people when all you know is pain and failure in those situations....is not easy.

I have never had someone there to catch me every time I would fall. All too often I have been the one to pick myself up, dust myself off, and climb back on the horse all on my own...even though there was someone standing right there who should have been there helping me.

I know I can be whatever I need to be. I can be the best friend, girlfriend, nurturer, anything and everything you need. I know I can be the best...I can care for you better than you have ever been cared for--in any situation. It seems to be one thing that I do really well.

But I return to my thoughts from last week....who will take care of me? I am beginning to wonder if there is anyone out there who could withstand me. Someone who can care for me in the way that I care for them. Truly.

I thought that I had found that. Turns out I was wrong. And I still feel that failure...it is one that I will bear for a while I am sure.

I keep thinking...how do I balance this? Trying to learn to rely on other people, be open with people all the while I am thinking that I will be the one caring for myself because there won't be someone out there who can take care of me.

I have been chased after. I have chased after someone. Neither worked. I want to run with someone, walk with someone...not share the exact same path, but the same goals. Climb to the peak with someone...each of us on our roads less traveled.

I want a life less ordinary--a life extraordinary. But I also want someone who will follow me into the dark. I know my life is going to be extraordinary....I don't know if I will ever find someone to follow me into the dark...someone to share this life less ordinary with me.

Regardless, I am working on trying to let other people in. I am trying to learn to let myself rely on other people...on those close to me. I understand that they are not perfect, just like I am not perfect.

I am just so tired of feeling hurt and disappointed. I am sure I shouldn't take it personally...but it's hard not to.
____________________________________________

What about my dream?
What about.....

What about everything?
What about aeroplanes?
And what about ships that drank the sea?
What about...
What about the moon and stars?
What about soldier battle scars
And all the anger that they eat?
I am not in need.

Get away and come with me,
Come away with me and we'll see.
If I was right on that night, that a future was made...
Before time takes each year, like a knife cuts it clear.
It's school, then work and then life that just sharpens the blade.
I think about time for fun,
I think about time for play.
Then I think about being done, with no resume,
With no one left to blame.
What about fortune and fame?
What about your love to obtain?

What About Everything by Carbon Leaf

Climbing

Today was another day of rock climbing, and it was so wonderful. It was great to once again have friends join me, so we could share the experience (even though none decided to brave the "cave" with me...).

My mind was so full as I was climbing today. We all hiked and climbed at different paces, so for the most part I was alone. Which was nice--I had the safety of others nearby, but the solitude I love.

As I climbed, I thought about how we all had the same goal--make it to the peak. But we each could take our own path...and I purposefully would take a different route than everyone else. I wanted a challenge...something different. I am not afraid of the road less traveled.

The best part is the journey...the climbing. Yes, it's difficult and at moments seems impossible. But it is always possible. There is always a route to the top, there is always a way. Sometimes you have to go down to go up, and sometimes it is almost more than you can bear. But as long as you stick it through, it's possible.

But you'll never know unless you stick it out.

Ending

One day this feeling will pass,
I know it won't last.
The thoughts of you and me,
And how things used to be....
Down deep inside
I wish our hearts could have been tied.
I know I will still think of your eyes,
And your hands on my thighs.
I'll sometimes hear your voice,
Not always by choice....
I wish in my heart
That I had known from the start
That there would be this much pain--
But it is worth the all the gain.
And although never again will I clasp your hand in mine,
I'll still cherish you for all time.
You helped me learn to love once more,
For my heart you opened the door.
So despite all my sorrows
Over no more tomorrows
All our memories from the past---
Are wonderful, and they will last.
I understand you and I are through--
It's the only thing we could do.
And though it might make me bawl,
It's time to take your picture off my wall.
It's time for me to move on--
In some ways it won't take long...
But my heart still has to mend
Over this loss, over our end.
And as you move forward too,
Please know that this is true--
I am more than happy to be your friend,
That feeling will never end.
So take your steps and walk your road,
And I know someday these seeds we've sowed
Will blossom and grow--
Into what, I don't know.
But if you ever need a hand,
Or someone to help you stand....
You have a friend in me,
That I promise to always be.

Benches and Bookends

All this summer I have seen how life--at least my life bookends itself. I find it really amazing, and oh so intriguing...how pieces fit together, and how they fall apart.

Something really great started on this bench....months and months ago. And somehow I knew that it would end in the same place...I knew it would end like this, with the green grass and the leaves still on the trees. I sat on this bench at the beginning of summer...and I knew. I don't know how, but I knew it would end here...and that I would be ok.

Thinking how the summer started....at the airport. And how it ended....at the airport. How I felt then--hopeful, excited and a little scared. How I feel now...hopeful, excited, and a little scared. But also relieved. And a little more sure of myself...

I have no regrets. I have no thoughts of "what if" or "maybe if I" or "I can change this...." only acceptance and looking forward to what is ahead of me now.

Am I sad...yes of course. A little bit--but I know this is what is right. Will I miss the good times, yes. But I know that more are to come.There will be more faces, more places, more open spaces. This is the end of one chapter, but the start of a completely new one..

There is so much to say, and just as much to be left unsaid...at least here and now.

Benches....and bookends. A summer full of both...a full summer.

An epic summer.

But who will take care of me?

A simple thought....right? We all want someone we can care for...and someone who can care for us.

I often wonder who will have the strength and tenacity to take care of me.

Will it be anyone? Or just me...

Do I make it too difficult? Do I demand too much?

There has to be someone out there....