Don't Stop Believin'....

What a day.

What an amazing day.

Today was the last day of classes for me at CU. Ted put together a really nice slide show, song and speech for me...he made me cry. Oh Ted.

It was super sweet...I don't think that anyone has ever done anything like that for me. I can't believe it's been 7 solid years...seven years of blood, sweat, and tears into that building...as Ted pointed out, there hasn't been a show to go through that building in the past 7 years that I haven't touched.

After the little slide show, Ted handed me the flowers that I had purchased for myself that morning (he told me they were for Emmy....oh Ted.) And then Markas called for a speech, and I came up with a short little thing....but here is what I really would have said had the students not already sat through too much talking and if I had been prepared (well, I won't edit it or anything like I would have had I known):

I want to thank you all for the past 7 years. Without all of you, I never would have been able to do all that I have. You have helped make my dreams a reality, and I hope that you can say the same for me.

I hope you all realize what all of the faculty--the professors and instructors--do for you. I am sure that most of you know the long hours, the blood, the sweat, the tears...the many many tears. I have had the opportunity to get to be on both sides of the program here at CU--and both are challenging. And I never knew that teachers dreaded tests and finals just as much as students. Who would have thought?

I also hope that you all realize that YOU are what makes this department. It is each of you, and your commitment and contributions to this department that make it what it is. I have learned so much from all of you, I can only hope that you have learned as much from me.

If I had to choose one bit of advice to leave you with, one thing that you would remember about me...it would be this little tidbit that I have been learning over the past year:

People are going to continually try to fit you into some sort of box. They are going to try and force their expectations on you, and try and make you into something that you are not. They will want to clip your wings, tell you your dreams are impossible, and make you feel like a fool for being a dreamer.

The truth is, the only limitations you have are the ones you put on yourself. Only you can clip your wings, only you can actually put yourself into a box. And once you are there...it's pretty hard to get back out.

Your dreams are always within your reach. The impossible only seems so because you know how to dream big. And you are never a fool to dream...they are only jealous because they have already put themselves into a box, and no longer know how to dream.

Don't be afraid to leap. Sometimes you will fall--flat on your face. But isn't it worth a couple terrible spills just to see how far you can go? Isn't it worth it just to see if you can fly?

Of all the words to leave you with...these are my favorite:

Don't stop believin'. Ever.

Therapy

This is a picture I painted when I was in high school. It was really an experiment in colors and textures, just trying to create different effects with acrylic paints. My parents have it hanging in the guest room (which is where I am currently staying) so I wake up to it every morning. The parts that were my favorite back then are still my favorite now--the orange sunset and the stars in the middle. I painted each star...dot by dot. I can't even remember doing it...maybe because it made me want to poke my eyes out by the end.

Therapy has been interesting lately. The past month we have been doing this thing called "brainspotting."

Basically, I stare at a particular point in space and think about a certain subject--whatever we are trying to unravel. And then, I just let my thoughts wander...and say whatever comes to mind. A lot of times it brings up anxious feelings, like a tightness in my chest...but the past couple sessions I have just felt a lot of sadness.

I have been working on how I see myself and how others see me, also on the mind, body, soul connection.

Oftentimes, I feel very disjointed. As evidenced by my Ugly Duckling post, I do not really feel that who I am and what I look like are connected. I often feel that I am known only as what I look like, and not as who I really am. It's a battle I have been fighting ever since the divorce...and it's one I have not yet won.

What came out in this last therapy session was the fact that I feel as though I was "marrying material" for what I looked like, not necessarily who I was. I spent 8 years loving someone, hoping that they would get to know me...only to realize that I failed miserably. He had no idea who I was...or else our marriage would have had a chance.

So now...I have to figure out what to do with this realization...this downfall. I spent 8 years desperately trying to get the person I loved most to know me, and I failed. How can I think that I could even try again?

I may have to learn to live with the fact that no one will ever really know me...or ever really want to know me. I think that was part of the problem...the ex didn't care enough to really want to know me...because I was pretty--it didn't matter.

Easy on the eyes, easy on the brain.

It didn't work for me...I don't quite agree.

And maybe now, neither does he.

Model Behavior...

I had a great discussion with a friend last night...we were both raised in the model of "courting with the intent to marry/be sure to save yourself for marriage" way of finding someone. My thought today is...what do you do when the model didn't work? What do you do when it doesn't seem to be any better the second time?

How do you find a new model to follow? How do you figure out the rules, know what everyone elses' rules are?

This is where I am at. I have no model as I move forward....so I am going to have to figure one out as I go.

But it will be my own rules...that make sense to me.

I don't want to be in Love anyway...

But I know that's a lie.

Sigh.

Time. And more of it..time time time.

Last Week of Classes...

After 8 years of looking forward to this week...this will be the last. I still can't believe that the semester...that this year is over. It still seems like only yesterday I told Ted that I was only staying one more year. It seems so unreal.

I am going to miss so much about this place...about these spaces. I have so many memories within the theatre building--so much more than my apartment even. I changed schools a lot as a kid, so this is the one school that I stayed at the longest...

Where I go from here...I have no idea, other than California of course. What I will do--I have no idea. I am feeling a little burned out...

Dresses and Princesses

So, today's pic is just of the fabrics I am using on my friend Emmy's dress. I am so excited to be making her graduation dress--I just hope she likes it when it's done!!

This weekend...I have just seen so many wonderful people in love. So much love...so much caring...

My heart aches...and yearns for that love. I remember what it was like--that all-encompassing, butterflies and Star Wars cards kind of love...I miss it so...

It is there...I know it's out there...it's somewhere out there...

Emmy is working on her final photography project, which involved a lot of fairy tale princesses...and I wonder, where is my prince? But then again, I am no princess...and maybe that's the problem.

Of all things...

Life is the strangest.

Turn Around...

Please turn around,
And see me here.
See me standing,
Just as I am.

Please turn around,
And reach out to hold me.
Meet me here,
Just as I am.

Please turn around,
And love me,
Right here,
In this moment,
Just as I am.

First Day

I have had my first day in my temporary home...so far, so good.

It was pretty awesome to walk upstairs and see my niece this morning, and then to walk outside and see the green, green grass...and the tulips...

How Cedric loved the tulips...

Last Night

I wish I had the time to perfectly capture this feeling...this moment...but I don't really. I have had several weeks of long hours at work (hence why my posting has been so short and irregular) and I have to be back at work at 9 tomorrow.

But...nonetheless, I am standing in my nearly empty apartment...wishing for just one more night. One more week....one more month...but I know it won't happen.

The kids are at my parents', our temporary abode until the big move to Cali...so this place doesn't really feel like a home anymore...not without them.

I want to stare at these walls forever...and remember each moment--each memory. Running through every square inch, chasing and laughing, dancing to my own music...crying for hours when nothing made sense.

It is so quiet...like it usually is. But it is also so isolated now...like it has been. The past few days I have been feeling like this was my cocoon...and I now have to shed that hard protective shell in order to become what it is I am to be. It's not easy--it is comfortable here--I am comfortable here. i am afraid to let go.

I don't want to forget...everything. I can still hear the laughter, the music, the tears, the silence of my life of the last year. I don't want to forget a single moment.

But time marches on, and so must I. I take a leap from here, and will hopefully land somewhere new that will provide new memories--new walls to hold my secrets.

I love this apartment, and I always will. Despite the water leaks, tiny washer and dryer, too full closet and lack of dining room--it's perfect. It has been exactly what I needed....a place to find my new self.

So, as I step out for the last time (in about an hour I think...there's still more cleaning to do), I leave behind my cocoon...the hard shell of me. I am afraid to spread my wings and fly...but I will anyway.

So much love lies here...I hope the new people feel it too.

Moving...out......on...

It is time to start anew...
Do all those things I really should do...
Shed this cocoon....
Time for more room.

Last Night...Last Light...

I started saying goodbye to this place a month ago...and it seems to have done little good. I am still missing these four small walls immensely...though I have yet to leave for good.

Another Moving Day

I lay here...on my air mattress....in an almost empty home. These four walls have definitely become my home--though I knew it wouldn't last forever.

It was a great day for moving...the sky was clear, the breeze was warm...simply wonderful. I had wonderful company for the day--people that definitely made this process easier.

I look around at the empty walls...wishing that I could have stayed here just a bit longer...to hold on for a little longer. The fridge is no longer decorated, my couch is not here...so much is not here.

But the kids and I are--and that means it is still our home. Last night as we laid in bed waiting for slumber, we all cuddled together. It was the first time ever both Sora and Kairi decided to be active cuddlers at the exact time. It was wonderful...a perfect night.

Has it really been a year? Has everything in the last year really happened? How could it be time to move already??

I am full of questions...and still no answers...

End.

It's near...it always is. Can I postpone...for just a moment? Just to cradle this moment for a moment...hold onto it dearly...hold it close to me as my heart flutters...then have to let go all too soon...

Time Flies

There is just never enough of it to do what we want...is there?

Taxing....

Happy Tax Day.

With Sarcasm Included, free of charge.

Bend...break?

How much more bending can I do before I snap in half?

Maybe much more than I ever thought I could...

I'm Tired...

I am sick and tired...of not being able to sleep. I am tired of night after night....being the last one standing as it were....

I realized today that being asleep is one sure-fire way for me to not feel lonely...and these long days...the long hours--it's just so long to go without a break....from the loneliness, the endless thoughts...unsolicited feelings....unrelenting memories of heartaches past and hopelessness...

It's not always so bad. Some nights it is fine, because I am so wrapped up in work that I don't have time to think about anything else. But tonight...it's all on my mind.

I am tired of all the love songs....of all the empty words and broken promises. I am tired of being the one singing out...only to have my own echo be the only response. I am tired of the movies that promise amazing love stories filled with fairy dust and magic....

How am I supposed to learn to trust again when the one person I trusted most in the world hurt me more than anyone else ever has? How am I supposed to learn to love again when the love I put all my faith in left me battered, bruised, broken...and alone?

How can I keep having faith and hope in love when day after day I feel the heartache of loneliness, and the letdown of disappointment? How can I believe that love is still out there when every time I reach out, every time I take a leap of faith--I end up foolishly falling, only to have to pick myself up to try again.

I am tired. Tired of being tired. Tired of not sleeping. Tired of this hopelessness.

I know it will pass. But for right now, I'm just tired of it.

Another Day...

And my faith in humanity is no more restored than yesterday.

I went to the store, got a super close parking spot since it was pretty late--I was no more than 50 feet from the front door. But as soon as I parked and looked around--I was appalled!! There were shopping carts everywhere! I thought it pretty ridiculous that I had to walk past maybe 3 dozen carts in 50 feet.

Really people? I mean, are you REALLY THAT LAZY???

So I took one cart in with me...and then I walked it back into the store when I was done. One small cart for me...someday a giant leap for mankind.

Springtime...finally!

Today was a beautiful spring day!! Love love love. I got to go rollerblading and climbing--it was awesome, except now I am extremely tired!

Great day...looking forward to more!

Undecided

I have not yet decided,
I am not completely sure...
Does love really exist?
Is there love for me?
I know there is some love,
But I mean...
Sweep you off your feet,
Giddy with excitement,
Feeling like a schoolgirl,
Feeling rescued for once...
Kind of love.

I have not yet decided,
I am not completely sure...
Is there a breathtaking love
Waiting for me?

Or does love not exist anymore?

Damaged

Damaged
by Plumb

Dreaming comes so easily,
'cause it's all that I've known.
True love is a fairy tale,
I'm damaged, so how would I know.

I'm scared and I'm alone.
I'm ashamed,
And I need for you to know...

I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say,
And you can't take back what you've taken away,
'cause I feel you, I feel you near me.

I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say,
And you can't take back what you've taken away,
'cause I feel you, I feel you near me.

Healing comes so painfully,
And it chills to the bone.
Will anyone get close to me?
I'm damaged, as I'm sure you know.

I'm scared and I'm alone.
I'm ashamed,
And I need for you to know...

I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say,
And you can't take back what you've taken away,
'cause I feel you, I feel you near me.

I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say,
And you can't take back what you've taken away,
'cause I feel you, I feel you near me.

There's mending for my soul,
An ending to this fear.
Forgiveness for a man who was stronger...
I was just a little girl, but I can't go back...

I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say,
And you can't take back what you've taken away,
'cause I feel you, I feel you near me.

I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say,
And you can't take back what you've taken away,
'cause I feel you, I feel you near me.
_________________________________________

I know we're all damaged in some way...I guess there are just some days I feel more damaged than others. And I can't go back...I can't take back what was taken away...

Last Opening Night

I am standing in the shop...just the cats and I. It's quiet, except for the hum of the computer and the soundtrack from the stage softly coming from the monitor.

It's so hard to believe it's the last show...I have been so involved in opening nights here for so many years...even before I was a student in the theatre department.

There was no hoopla...nothing said about my last opening night. I guess it's just a big deal to me...it seems so sad. This is home...I have everything I need here when I bring the kids in. I know this room so well...this is my room, this building my home. I know every corner, secret hiding place...there's not a place I can't link to some memory.

And so soon I will have to say goodbye for good. Soon, there will be no new memories made and the ones I have will start to age...like an old photograph.

There is a piece of me here...I know there always will be. And I just hope that I have made some impression--that there is some legacy I have left behind. That the love I feel for this place will be spread to those who come after me...

I am one lucky woman. I have been so fortunate to have gotten to stay here for so long. For every experience--every laugh, every tear, every late night--I am truly thankful.

I can't imagine anywhere else I would rather be...but I know it's time to move on.

I sometimes don't know how to feel...facing this alone. I knew I would have to eventually...and it's ok. The future is so uncertain...and having to walk away from here, just my own two feet (and eight tiny paws) and no hand to hold--is so bittersweet. I will always miss this place--I know it. I will miss these people, these walls...the late nights and corny jokes. I have seen so much in this place...years of students...faculty...lives.

Every time the curtain goes up, it must eventually come down. The hands are on the rail, on standby to lower my curtain here. End of scene.

Last day of tech...

I am a day ahead on my postings...I post quite late in the night, or early in the morning, depending on how you look at it. So, recently I have just been a day ahead...and today is no different.

Tonight, I had my last day of tech at CU...it is so hard to believe. After so many years, so many shows, so many students--so many hours, this was the last. So bittersweet.

Opening tomorrow will be more difficult....I can already tell.

Waiting for your shoes to fall on me...

...and if you like it's not so hard to sweep me off my feet.

Countdown...

So soon I will be moving out of here...2 weeks from today I will be moving...hard to believe. I don't even want to think about it...it's so soon. I will miss this place dearly...

In Your Eyes...

If I saw myself in your eyes,
I wonder what I would see.
All I know is that when I look at your face,
I love your eyes smiling back at me.

Feeling Real

...like I am actually doing what I was made to do...at least part of it.
...finally feeling at home...in what I do...
...in who I am...
...mostly.

Comfy

It doesn't take much...

....to be happy and comfortable.

Moving this Month

I find it so hard to believe that in 20 days I will be out of here...I love this place. It's our little home...the kids and I. It's become our Home. It will be sorely missed...despite all the mess and occasional water leaks...