Countdown...

Tomorrow is December...and so not only am I counting down to Christmas, but I am also counting down to my brother's wedding on the 18th! I am so excited and happy for Scott and Vanessa!! I can't wait to be a part of their big day!!

A Crochet A day...

Keeps the crazy at bay...at least in my mind.

I am still trying to crochet at least a little bit every day. I have found that taking the time to create--something that I want to do, without any deadlines or time lines--helps keep me calm, and content.

While I am busy crocheting Christmas presents at the moment, it is still very fun and very relaxing...I just enjoy thinking about everyone opening their presents on Christmas day!!

What do you do to keep your crazy at bay?

Brown Paper Packages Tied Up With String...

I love wrapping presents...that's just what I was thinking about today...I can't wait to wrap up everything so it looks just *so* pretty for Christmas morning!

Black Saturday...

Another day at work...and still not too bad. I thought we might be way crazier, since it was the weekend...but nope.

I got to do more bow and wrapping demos, which I love to do! It is so much fun to help people learn to wrap gorgeous gifts...and now I get to wrap all of my family's gifts amazingly!! I can't wait!!

It is fun to be so surrounded with holiday cheer at work...the Christmas carols, stocking stuffers, Christmas wrap...it is all so festive!!

I am so excited that Christmastime is finally here!!

Black Friday...

I worked today, and it was actually not nearly as bad as I thought it would be. Sure, we had a lot of people, but especially since TCS is not connected to the mall, we missed out on a lot of the crazy foot traffic.

So, though busy-a relatively calm day.

Not too bad for Black friday.

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

I hope you all are having a wonderful Thanksgiving...my day has been spectacular.

I got to spend today with Ryan's family and my own family. It was full of love and laughter, family and friends...I have so much to be thankful for...

So, to keep this post short--I am going to list 26 things (since I am 26 years old) I am thankful for.

In no particular order:

I am thankful for:

My children and their love. They supported me through so much, and their love is unending.
My family--all their dysFUNction, and laughter, all their wisdom and joking...
My friends--I have the most amazing friends in the world...no doubt in my mind.
My Ryan--I have the best boyfriend in the world. He makes me laugh and think...and keeps me warm when it's super cold out.
My jobs. In this kind of economy, I am thankful that I have work--even if it's too much sometimes.
Having a place to live.
My health. I am so thankful that the pain I used to get in my wrist has subsided greatly.
Crochet...silly, but yes. It calms my mind and is a fun hobby.
A second chance to get it right...or at least closer to right. I am so glad to have another chance to make my life what it can be...crazy dreams and wonderful adventures...

And so much more...

The blessings never end, and I can't wait to see what the next year brings.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Long Days...

This has been a long couple days...yesterday I worked from 5-11AM and today I worked 5-9AM. Two 5AM days in a row is a little rough...I am definitely ready to sleep.

Today was a wonderful day nonetheless. I spent a good portion of it with my niece...coloring, watching cartoons, playing with Barbies...you know, all the important stuff. But I also got to spend some of it with Grandma.

A long, wonderful, tiring day.

But tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and a day off. :-)

I can't wait.

Grandma Top Ten...

Grandma is here!! So, I anticipate that my writing for the next week will be sparse, since I hope to be spending most of my time with Grandma.

I am so lucky to have such a wonderful Grandmother. And just for fun, here are the top ten most awesome things about my Grandma:

10. She loves Jack Daniels whiskey. There are some funny stories here (never one concerning drunkenness, but hilarious nonetheless)...and I know she always has some on hand at home.

9. She loves the desert almost as much as I do. We both love the heat, and so every time we talk, we discuss the weather in detail, and most of the time commiserate on how cold it is where we are...

8. She always wants me to steal the plants from the Tucson Mall for her. They have large bromeliads in very large pots, and every time we go there she tells me to grab one and she'll pull the car around. Sometimes I am not sure she is joking...

7. Her favorite color is green, followed closely by purple. She worked very hard when I was little to make sure I enjoyed green too (my favorite color was always purple), by sending me pictures of frogs, green plants, etc. So she instilled in me a love for the color green...

6. She regularly makes me go on midnight gardening recon missions with her. In her complex, the HOA is responsible for all the plants in the front yards. Well, sometimes there is a plant in another yard or community area that she wants...so we wait until it's well into the darkness of night, then we head out--her with a flashlight, me with a trowel and gloves, and we transfer whatever she wants to wherever she wants. I love these little adventures.

5. Her favorite shirt is from 1991...or 1995, I can't remember. But she thinks it's perfect, so I have been repairing little holes in it for the last two years. I plan to continue to repair it until it becomes all but dust, because she loves it so much.

4. She is so unique. I don't think I have ever heard the same story twice...and I know that she still has more to share. She loves everything from hummingbirds to elephants to cashews. She abhors mushrooms and long lines anywhere. And shoe shopping...she hates not finding the perfect shoe.

3. She is beyond giving. She shares what she has with who needs it...suitcases, time, her spare bedroom...everything.

2. She is hilarious. I know she doesn't always intend to be, but her laugh is contagious--and she has wonderful stories to share.

1. She is the strongest woman I know. She is stubborn, determined, caring and compassionate. I have never met anyone like her, and I am sure I never will. If I am lucky, someday I will be half the woman she has become.

My Grandma is amazing, and I love her oh so dearly!! And now, you know some reasons why.

Up, Up, and Away...

Today we had planned to go out climbing and hiking, but it was a much colder day than we had anticipated, so we stayed in and watched Up instead...excellent choice.

If you haven't seen that movie yet, you should. It is really a great movie...it is sad, just to warn you, but a great story line nonetheless.

It was funny--Ryan and I had both seen the movie before--not together, when we were both at different points in our lives. We joked about how the movie didn't seem as sad as the first time we saw it...at certain points we both were tearing up, jokingly asking each other, "Why are you crying??" "I'm not crying!!" "Well, your eyes are leaky then!!" And the like.

We agreed that the movie had much more meaning this time because when you know what it is like to love and be loved like that...it makes the story that much more touching...

We then tried to think of more movies we could watch that would turn us into blubbering blobs.

It was a great Sunday....

Almost Holidays...

I am so excited...Thanksgiving is this week!!! Grandma comes to visit on Tuesday, and she will be here for a whole week!

I am so looking forward to this year's holidays. While last year's Thanksgiving was rough, I feel that this year is going to be wonderful...and it means we are about to start the Christmas season, which is spectacular, since Christmas is my favorite holiday.

We are so close...and I can't wait!!

Quitting...

I am so happy to inform you all that I have officially quit my job at the rec center!! I sent in my letter of resignation, and my last day will be December 15th.

It feels good to finally be able to know when enough is enough, and to be able to walk away...I can only hope that I will remember this lesson in all aspects of my life.

I am looking forward to going back to school. I know that I am drastically changing my life path for the moment...but I am willing to see where this takes me.

So, here's to quitting when it's time! Many thanks to all who have provided support during this annoying and aggravating decision.

Great Stories...

I just finished watching a really great film, Mary and Max. I highly recommend it, especially if you love claymation as much as I do.

The film, while visually stunning (I often wish I could work as a sculptor for such films) provides a great story as well. But one thought has been running through my head since a certain scene in the film (I won't spoil it, but once you watch it you will know what I mean):

Great stories don't always have happy endings.

Stories that change us, that inspire us, that make us better...don't always have happy endings. There are stories--in movies, books and even life that make the world a better place, even though there is no happy "storybook" ending.

So, how do you know you are in a great story when there's no happy ending in sight? How do you know you are not just living in a bad story that you should change?

I don't know...but I am pretty sure I am living a great story...with an eventual happy ending.

Moments...

Moments rendered,
Moments passed,
Of all those things
That will never last...

Memories are the past.

Of life and love,
Of love and laughter
There are always things
Which are much sadder.
Take them in
And hold them near...

To rise above the fear.

Thoughts winding
All unbinding.
Taking hold
Tighter still...
Of each moment,
Of each thrill.

Hold me longer still.

Darkness and shadows
Doubts and failures,
Building rust
On today's sculptures.
Pray each day

Is not eaten by vultures.

Moments lost,
Moments forgotten.
Moments stolen,
Moments denied.

Moments shared,
Moments spared.
Moments hidden,
Moments branded...

Never to be forsaken.

Circling Back To Circles....

I have continued to ponder my thoughts on life as a circle. I began to think that if my life were a circle, then everyone else's must also be a circle.

Then what happens when we get close to each other--when we cross each others' paths? If we follow the laws of geometry, then there are two ways this could go:

1) The circles only touch at one point. It is only one moment, and then that moment passes and it is done.

2) The circles overlap, which means that they touch at two specific points.

I am trying to balance these thoughts with my thoughts on how these life circles really work, and here is a snapshot of how this is processing in my brain (this could get ugly):

circles
overlapping
falling away
layers
growing up
growing out
lines
crossing
somehow each circle grows into a new plane so that old circles fall away and don't necessarily interact with new ones...
but old circles still influence new ones

And then it's all pictures from there. Someday I will figure out how to draw all that is going on in my head...

Until then, I will have to keep pondering this circle thing.

Round and round it goes...

School...

I have officially finished my application to go back to school!! Woohoo! I always knew I would go back sometime, and there's no time like the present, right?

After a good year or so of consideration, I have decided to go back to school for accounting.

I know, even I have had the thought of, "What the hell?"

But, when it comes down to it, here are the things I know about myself:

I have a tendency to be a workaholic.
I have a tendency to try to turn my hobbies into my job, and then I start to hate my hobbies because they are a job.
I want weekends off.
I want a job with benefits...real benefits--not just a coffee machine or free thread. Like real insurance benefits.
I want to be home in the evenings...I want to get to spend time with my kids and my Ryan.

My parents have tried to talk me into accounting for years...and so finally I listened. I figure, why not? I like numbers, I like math. And anything that I can work an 8-5 and get vacation time...sounds great.

So, hopefully in January I will start classes so I can get my CPA Certification by the end of 2011 or so. :-) I should only need 3 semesters at most, so I can be done one year from now. How nice would that be?

I still enjoy sewing...very much so. I still enjoy all the things I used to do for work...I just get to enjoy them more now since I don't have the added stress of timelines and deadlines.

I so still miss all the people I used to work with...and I am sure that won't be changing anytime soon...

So...here I go!! Once more into the breech!!

Learning is fun. :-)

Bad Night...

I am fighting...working on that whole forgiveness thing...it is not coming very easily....

I was just reminded of things that were stolen from me...

...a niece's laughter.

...fun with cousins.

...family.

...friends.

...there are so many people that used to be a part of my life that I miss so dearly, and I know I will never see them again...it's quite heartbreaking.

It is hard to forgive because he stole all of this from me.

I finally went through the other day and deleted a bunch of "friends" off of my facebook. There were so many "mutual friends" that I haven't heard from since the divorce...I finally realized that I just needed to let go, I needed a clean slate. There is no reason for those people to be able to sneak peak into my life whenever they want to, and there is no reason why I need to peak into their lives.

But somehow, there's always something to remind me...something more to bring the broken heart to the forefront...to remind me what all the heartbreak felt like.

There are moments it feels just as raw as it did almost 2 years ago...there are moments I can't believe it has been almost 2 years...and other moments it feels like it has been so much longer. I hate feeling that way again...like the pulses in my heart are misfiring, like each heartbeat squeezes an already raw heart...like my chest will explode from all the pain, leaving nothing but a stain on the wall...

I have to get it into my head that he will never care what he did to me. It makes no difference to him...he has no reason to care. He will never admit to his part in what went wrong...he will continue to lie and live a lie until the day he dies.

I have to get it into my head that he will never again admit to being abusive. He admitted it to me once, but I know he will never address the issue again. He will forever say that it was my fault we got divorced...

I have to get it into my head that he will always lie...that he was not the man I thought he was, that he lived a lie the whole time we were together. I was wrong about him...very very wrong...

I have to move on. I have to walk a bigger circle...I can no longer continue in this rut. I have to let go of the past to grab onto my present and future. I have to leave all of him, all of us behind.

I have to be stronger than I think I can be.

Which is why I am finally writing this post.

I have eased my way into this moment, only because I have had such a hard time processing it all myself. It has been more than 2 years since some of these things happened, but it is still hard for me to think about sometimes.

I will just put in this little disclaimer--I am writing as honestly and as truthfully as I can. I will not embellish, fantasize, blow out of proportion or lie. But I am sure that my ex would refute some things I will say--even though everything I will mention he has admitted to met. So there, there's that little tidbit, just in case. Now moving on...

I have been in therapy since I got divorced. It wasn't necessarily just because of the divorce--there was much more going on.

It has taken me this long to be able to fully realize why I had to leave my husband. For a long time I didn't know what to say when people asked why, but now I know exactly what to say. The easy, short answer is: I left him because he became abusive.

It's like that whole thing about putting a frog into a pot of boiling water (I do not support actually doing this, of course...). But if you put a frog into a pot of near-boiling water, he leaps right out because naturally--it's freakin' hot. But if you put a frog in a pot of cool water and slowly heat it--he will stay in the pot until he boils to death because he doesn't realize he's getting into hot water.

I can't even say when it started, or how. The first event I can definitively call abuse was when he spiked my drink at dinner with alcohol, and then lied about it. He lied about it three times before I finally got him to admit to it.

There were lies and deceit...before and after that. But I kept hoping it would get better. I kept hoping that he would change...that we would change together...but it would not be the case.

The next definitive abuse incident wouldn't come for months...but it was enough to break me.

There are moments when you can't believe that you are living through them...that you hope and you pray that it is just a movie reel...or that you will wake up and see it was all just a bad dream...

This was one of those moments for me.

It was the day of my birthday party...and since we had been having problems for months, we set some ground rules. He said to me, "No means no, even when you're drunk." Since he was driving and it was my party, there was an understanding that I would be fairly intoxicated when we came home. I told him something to the effect of, "That's good to hear...because it will probably still be no."

So we went out, had a great time partying and celebrating with friends. I had one friend who was actually staying at our house that night since it was a joint birthday party for us...so we got her set up on the couch to sleep, then went upstairs to change.

I was in the bathroom, and I can't remember what we were talking about. I remember all the lights were on...and something was said about sex, and I said no. I said no when he picked me up in the bathroom...I said no all the way as he carried me to the bed...and I continued to say no until I realized I couldn't stop him.

I remember wishing I were dead...and feeling dead. I remember walking downstairs and sharing the couch with my friend. I remember being so mad and hurt that he broke his own promise...that no did not in fact mean no.

The next night we had a talk...I can't remember why we decided to talk...but we sat in the basement and talked about the night before. I recounted the events to him, and he said to me:

"I raped you."

And I agreed with him...and I realized that his abuse was only going to get worse...and I couldn't imagine what he would do next.

I left the next day. I knew I could never let him touch me again...not in any way.

In the months to come, he would ask why I didn't fight him more...why I didn't hit him or try to hurt him in order to stop him. My only answer was...why should I have had to?

I have been dealing with these demons ever since then. It has torn me apart time and time again. I am still brokenhearted over the fact that someone who was supposed to love me so much could do such a thing...no wonder I have trust issues, right?

That all makes it sound like I left him because I am a lesbian, right?

Sorry, I am still bitter about that....

I continue to choose to live in the truth...the truth shall set me free. And if he decides to continue to live in lies, then he is building his own prison--but he can't build his prison around me too.

I am free...I am free because as awful as the truth can be, I choose to accept it, learn from it, grow into more truth, and be stronger because of it.

Lies will only corrupt you, from the inside out. They will rot you...rob you...break you. And then you will feel even worse than I ever have.

I have to be stronger than I think I am.

I have to be stronger that I think I can be.

I have to be stronger.

I will be stronger.

Very rarely is rape actually reported to the authorities. As little as 18% of rapes are actually reported--"One factor relating to this under reporting may be the misconception that most rapes are committed by strangers." Some statistics list as little as 2-26% of rape cases involve a perpetrator who was a stranger to the victim, with 26-60% of perpetrators being a current or former intimate partner.

If you or someone you know has been a victim of rape, don't be afraid to seek help. Find a therapist, and find a support group.

You are not alone.

I am not alone.

I am stronger than I was yesterday.

And I will be stronger tomorrow...despite everything that was stolen from me, I will rise above.

The truth will set me free.

My Kids...

Today while I was driving to work, I saw a dead cat on the side of the road...it was awful.

I always hate seeing roadkill...for as long as I can remember, I have always said a prayer for each little creature that I saw dead on the road. I still do it...

So, today while I was at work I missed my kids a lot. I was thinking about how fortunate I am to have such wonderful kids--and the fact that they are both shelter cats that I stumbled upon tells me that we were meant to be a family. There is much love between us all. :-)

So you may laugh, call me a cat lady and think I'm pretty weird...but I don't mind. I have my kids, and they have me. We are an awesome family...and I am proud of it!!

Phobic

by Plumb

I watched you sit alone,
I watched you cry your eyes out.
Now tell me what you've done.

Is it so bad
That I would shut you out
And leave you here alone?

Yes I saw what you did,
I was right there with you,
I won't let you sink.
No, I forgive you.

Phobic,
Don't be.
Grace needs a little more freedom.
Phobic,
Don't be.
Love needs room to breathe.

I have watched you grow,
And I've stood in your shadow,
I've never walked away.

I hung the stars and
I hold your heart
So, don't ever be afraid.

Yes, I know when you breathe,
And I feel when you need.
I won't let you sink.
No, I forgive you.

Phobic,
Don't be.
Grace needs a little more freedom.
Phobic,
Don't be.
Love needs room to breathe.

You can be healed.
You can be free.
You can know peace.
Never be afraid again.

Phobic,
Don't be.
Grace needs a little more freedom.
Phobic,
Don't be.
Love needs room to breathe.

Never be afraid.
Never be afraid.
He's here.
_______________________________

I have been thinking about this song for several days now...I didn't know all of the words, but now that I do I like the song even more I think.

But what has been stuck in my head had been "grace needs a little more freedom" and "love needs room to breathe."

Now, to wrap my own head around all I want to say...

I have been working on forgiving my ex. It has not been easy....for so many reasons.

I know what he did.
I was right there...
I watched him cry, I watched his heart break.
I watched him choose to hurt me.
I know he chose to hurt me..for whatever reason.
I couldn't keep him from sinking, no matter how hard I tried...

But I forgive him.

I can't be phobic anymore. I have to get past all he did to me--all he continues to do. I have to release the death grip I have on it all...and let it go. It will only poison me the longer I hold onto it all.

Grace needs a little more freedom...I have to open my heart and let go of the hurt, the hatred, the anger...or else I will never feel the healing power of forgiveness.

Love needs room to breathe...I have to let go of the past if I want to hold onto what I have in the present, if I want to grab a hold of everything there is in the future...or else the past will choke all the good out of each new day.

I can be healed.
I can be free.
I can know peace.
I can find a way to never be afraid again.

I can be healed...I can feel like my life is my own again. I can feel like I am no longer picking up the pieces of my life...I can feel my heart whole again.

I can be free...I can fly on the wings of love again. I can be free from the chains of anger and released from the prison of pain.

I can know peace...I can breathe in each moment. I can relax in the warmth of a new sunrise in my soul...I can rise above the continued chaos and poison thrown at me by my enemies.

I can find a way to never be afraid again...I won't ever be hurt like that again. I will be loved like never before. I will never be abused again...

I forgive him.

Those words are so easy to write, and I know that it is something I will have to continually work on. But this is my choice...and I choose to rise above all the negativity...even if he can't rise above his own lies and deceit, I will.

Love needs a little more freedom...I can't let the demons of the past choke the love I have in my life now...the demons are either in the past, or they aren't. My ex is either in my past, or he is in the present. I choose to keep him in the past, to leave him there with all the pain, anger, hatred, broken hearts and broken pieces.

He has no power over me...not even anger.

I am stronger than that...and I can never be afraid again.

I will be healed.
I will be free.
I will know peace.

I will rise above...

Circles...

Lately, I have been thinking about the path of life as a series of circles.

That each of us have our circles to walk, and each time we complete a circle, we hope to grow into the next largest circle...and if we don't, we end up walking the same circle over and over again, until it becomes a rut.

I think that this idea partially came from my crochet projects...I have been making a lot of hats lately, and hats are just a series of concentric circles...and with each one growing larger, it creates something awesome...

Circles...walking circles...

It becomes a choice to grow more than yesterday...to be bigger and better than yesterday. To walk a new circle means to make a commitment to be bigger than you have ever been...

It's about growth...and learning.

New circles...bigger ones...

I stumble...I fall, all the time while trying to walk a bigger circle. But even though it is always more difficult than I want it to be--I know it is worth it.

So I will keep trying to walk a bigger circle each day.

I will keep getting back up...

I will keep trying...

One Step Forward and Two Steps Back...

Do you ever get to a spot just where you think you are getting ahead in life? And you get really proud of yourself, pat on the back...and then whooops...it's time for two steps back...ever get there?

I do. I feel like I end up there a lot. I am working on it...really hard actually. I am trying to only take steps forward...or even sideways...just so long as I can avoid taking steps back.

Maybe someday I'll get it right.

Or maybe the sole purpose of my life is to serve as a warning to others.

Two steps forward...no more steps back...

Happy Birthday Ryan!!

Today we got to celebrate Ryan's birthday--which he actually hates doing, but I decided I was going to make it fun nonetheless. And in spite of him getting sung to at dinner (which I know he despises, and I tried to stop them...) I think he had a happy birthday.

So, in short--happy birthday Ryan!! I am so glad that you were born, so glad that we met, so glad that we met again, and so glad that you hypothetically asked me out on a date. I hope that we get to celebrate many more of your birthdays together!!

:-)

Snow, Snow, Snow, Snow, Snow....

I know it's mostly rain right now...but I am watching snowflakes fall right now too.

Sigh...I am so not ready for this...especially since I have to drive to Denver tonight.

I actually love the snow when I can sit indoors next to the fireplace and watch it fall...and melt away. But as soon as I have to venture out in it...I start to get cold. Not just cold...remember, I am a desert girl...so I will start to shiver, whole body shakes. And it won't stop until I am back home and balled up in an electric blanket.

I also hate other drivers in the snow. I learned to drive in the snow--my birthday is in February, and so when it was time to get all my hours towards getting my license, I was driving in the snow. I remember getting so angry with my Dad for having me drive my whole family to Loveland in a snow storm. But now, I totally understand.

I drive a car almost the same size as a Pepsi can. I don't have to park, I just fold it up and put it in my purse when I get where I am going. OK, not really...but close. (P.S>How cool would that be?) So my car is really lightweight. But it is front wheel drive...and I know how to handle the snow. So I get super-annoyed with people who drive too slow or too crazy for it all. I HATE driving in the snow. Unless it is the middle of the night and there is absolutely NO other car on the road...then driving in snow is kind of awesome.

Sigh...there are more snowflakes falling. So regardless of it they are sticking or not, I need to leave way early for work...to avoid as much traffic as possible.

Happy first snow, fellow Coloradans!

New Outlook, New Look...

I am still working on this weekend's posts, but I wanted to introduce you to the new look of my blog!!

I spent a couple hours this morning updating it...getting all the colors just right, finding the right feel. So let me know what you think--especially if something is difficult to read. ;-)

I hope you all had a wonderful weekend!

Daylight Savings...

And so it begins.

Today we started Daylight Savings Time...and so today it was dark at 5PM.

DARK.

At 5.

Ridiculous.

Sigh, at least I think so. I hate it when it starts getting dark any time before 8...and I love it when the sun sets at 9...truly wonderful.

But we are working our way to the other end of the cycle...the part when the night overpowers the day very early...and the dark is so much darker than I ever remember.

Today was a rough day. I forgot what DST does to the evenings...or maybe it was just my usual denial of the cold and dark of winter. Nonetheless, the day became more and more depressing as the night approached.

In the middle of the summer, when it is bright and lovely and warm, I have trouble remembering exactly what I feel like in the winter. Summer mornings when I step outside in the early morning warmth, I find it hard to imagine that the world is ever so cold in the morning that I can't walk outside in a sundress...

But I am starting to feel the depression on the horizon...I can see it coming. And right now, I want to fight it. I don't want to be stuck in a world of darkness, clouds, rain and emptiness. Winter is a killer when the sun goes down....

Even If It Kills Me
by Motion City Soundtrack

I've got a lot of things to do tonight.
I'm so sick of making lists,
Of things I'll never finish.
I've lived here for the last 12 years.
Since early 1995,
All my shit has been in boxes
But if I had a little more time to kill,
I'd settle every little stupid thing.
Yeah, you'd think that I would

But I'm too tired to go to sleep tonight.
And I'm too weak to follow dreams tonight.
For the first time in a long time,
I can say that I wanna try
To get better and overcome each moment,
In my own way.

I wonder if I'll ever lose my mind.
I tried hard for a while,
But then I kind of gave up.
Winter is a killer when the sun goes down.
"I'm really not as stubborn as I seem,"
Said the knuckle to the concrete.

But I'm too tired to go to sleep tonight.
And I'm too weak to follow dreams tonight.
For the first time in a long time,
I can say that I wanna try
To get better and overcome each moment,
In my own way.

I'm not saying that I'm giving up,
I'm just trying not to think,
As much as I used to.
'Cause never is a lonely little messed up word.
Maybe I'll get it right someday...

For the first time in a long time,
I can say that I wanna try.
I feel helpless for the most part,
But I'm learning to open my eyes.
And the sad truth of the matter is,
I'll never get over it
But I'm gonna try
To get better and overcome each moment,
In my own way.

I so wanna get back on track.
And I'll do whatever it takes,
Even if it kills me.
_________________________________

I'm really not as stubborn as I seem...and sometimes I wonder if I will ever lose my mind.

But I want to get better.

I want to overcome each moment...

In my own way.

Because never is a lonely little messed up word...

I do feel helpless some days...those long, dark, cold days...when I just don't even care anymore. When I can no longer imagine the sunshine, and it feels like the darkness will continue forever and leave me encased in my own prison.

But it's a new winter...a new year. And it is going to be better.

I hope.

Happy Birth Day Little One...

Today my good friends Austyn and Brian welcomed their lovely little girl, Emery.

The catch is...Emery wasn't due to be born until February.

But, she is a fighter already...wriggling her way about, she is doing well--a tiny but mighty force!!

We all feel so blessed that both Austyn and Emery are doing so well. It is such a miracle...all of it...

So many congratulations to the happy parents!!

And welcome, little Emery. You are already so very loved. Happy Birth Day.

New Intentions...

Through a blog I have just started following, I have come across a very interesting website/blog called Makeunder My Life.

While I have only scratched the surface here, I really like the DIY-DYL (Do It Yourself-Design Your Life) idea of designing a life with intention....

A few days ago, I felt like I was getting a wake up call. I felt like someone was smacking the back of my head with a stick...saying,

"What the HELL are you doing?? WAKE UP. Today is passing you by, and today is all you have!!"

All of a sudden I realized that all my bad habits were adding up...unfortunately they add up to zero...and unless I decided to change myself and my habits, I was going to lose a lot more than just a few days.

So, in line with Makeunder My Life, I want to design my life with intention. I want there to be a purpose in everything I do (even if it is just for fun) and I want there to be a clear intention with my life.

Without further ado, my intentions:

1) BE THOUGHTFUL

I want to consistently create an atmosphere of awareness. What is my carbon footprint? Am I treating others the way I want to be treated? Do I think this soup was made with chicken stock? Stuff like that. I feel that lately I have not been considerate of so many things...and I want to get back on track.

2) BE KIND

I want to not only treat others the way I want to be treated, but I want to treat others in such a way that they not only have to rethink how they treat others, but also how they view themselves. I want to build people up, give them confidence and show them that it is possible for another human being--maybe even a stranger--to care about their life.

I also want to be kind to animals...spend more time with my kids. Also, be more mindful of what I am eating and where it came from...eggs only from cage free, vegetarian fed hens--ideally. Continue to not buy new leather.

3) BE CONTENT

My Dad always says that being happy and being content are two completely different things, and I would agree. Happiness is more temporary, content is much more a state of life. So I want to work towards maintaining a constant state of contentedness. Live where I want to live, work where I want to work, love who I want to love, be who I want to be. Contentment.

4) BE HEALTHY

I struggle with this one daily. I try to be healthy, but some days I find it so difficult to actually feel healthy. I want to consider my body a temple, and treat it with the same respect. I want to take the time to exercise and fuel my body with what it needs to conquer each new day.

5) BE PROACTIVE

In other words, I need to stop procrastinating. That's pretty much it. Seize the day!! Seize the moment!! Remember that each moment is precious, and once it's gone--it's gone!!

6) BE ME

I want to fully embody this person inside this skin. Be who I am and be proud of it--flaws and all. I am not perfect...I never will be. And I am cool with that. But I need to let all the different facets of myself shine in every way that they are meant to. Find little ways in every life to be a more fulfilled me.

7) DISCOVER, EXPLORE, ADVENTURE

I want to see new things, meet new people, visit new places. I have always enjoyed traveling--whether it was just the chance to spend quality time with my Grandma or a Caribbean cruise, I loved it all. And now that I have the freedom to go where I want, when I want--I plan to take advantage of that. I want to always have some exciting plan in the works at any given moment...

8) DO BETTER TOMORROW

Today will not always be what I want it to be. I will not always be as successful as I want to be. But I can always do better tomorrow...even if today is awesome and I rock it--tomorrow can still be better. And if I can make each new day better than yesterday...how awesome will life be??

So, there it is. I am putting that list up on my door and on my mirror.

I heard the wake up call, and I am answering.

Procrastinating...

Remember those bad habits I mentioned? Well, procrastination is definitely one of those bad habits.

I can't say that I was ever really great at not procrastinating, but I have definitely been better. I put off everything...sleeping, eating, projects, anything that I am afraid won't hold my attention span...

I don't know how it got to be this way...I think it goes back to a fear of success...and not having any more free time.

So today is another new day.

And tomorrow is too.

Today I will not procrastinate...on at least one thing. And tomorrow, I will tackle two things. I am determined to kick my bad habit.

And I am starting now.

Crochet...

You can call me a crazy cat lady if you want to, it's ok...I understand.

Nonetheless, crochet has become a daily habit for me. I absolutely love it. There is something about the repetition of motion, letting my hands create something slowly, stitch by stitch, not rushing through. It has become a very meditative thing for me...I can't imagine not crocheting in a day.

I can't really remember why I started crocheting. I have always like creating things, I have always enjoyed learning, and I love working with my hands...so maybe it just sounded like a good idea.

I so enjoy making something with the intention of giving it to someone. Then, with every stitch, I get to imagine giving it to them, how much they will enjoy it, where they will wear or use it, who they will show it off to...

So every day, I crochet.

And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Searching...

There are times that routine is welcome. When it is comforting and stabilizing to know exactly what is going to happen day to day.

Then there are times that routine starts to smother...it becomes comfortable, overbearing, overwhelming to try and think of how to get out of a routine that has become a rut.

I am in that rut.

So many things have become routine...I have let bad habits take over where I had so carefully cultivated good habits.

Today is a new day.

Tomorrow is a new day.

And today, I am going to take a step towards climbing out of this rut.

Life is too short and too beautiful to spend it down a hole.

November...

I can't believe it is November already, but I am really glad it is!!

I love November because it means Thanksgiving is right around the corner! It's time to start baking pumpkin bread, pumpkin pie, and time to really start thinking about Christmas gifts!!

This year, my Grandma will be here for Thanksgiving...so that just makes it all the more exciting!!

Only 3 weeks 3 days away...and counting...