This is Halloween...

I really enjoyed this Halloween. :-)

In the past, Halloween has been all about the costumes...of course. But honestly, I never really felt that into it until last year. And my costume last year was awesome...at least I think it was!

This year, I got to celebrate "Junk Food Appreciation Night" with Ryan and his family. It was great fun--lots of terrific junk food (everything from Whoppers to macaroni and cheese pizza to mozzarella sticks), good movies (Muppet themed) and wonderful company.

Ryan and I did dress up, kind of. We decided to wear all of our matching clothing items--so our matching Teefury shirts, our almost matching Moosejaw sweatshirts (in blue), and the almost matching hats I crocheted for us. It was fun, and we were adorable, if I do say so myself.

Earlier in the day we got to hang out with my wonderful friend Laura and her adorable daughter. It was so wonderful to get to catch up with them, especially since they will be moving away from Colorado this next week. Much sadness, all of them will be mucho missed.

All in all, it was a wonderful day. A perfect way to spend a Sunday.

Now, I just have to run a marathon a day for a month to work it all off. ;-)

Free moments...

I have much more free time in my life now...but I still hold onto each one like the next moment will be weeks away...

Most of you are probably confused by my obsession with free time...but after spending 8 years of overloading myself and working more hours in a day then I would sleep in a week...it is still quite phenomenal to me that I have free time.

So, even though I have to work tonight, I am enjoying my morning and afternoon off...doing a whole lot of nothing, and loving every moment of it.

Holidays...

And it's that time of year again...the holidays are fast-approaching, and before I know it, 2011 will be here.

I LOVE the holidays, don't get me wrong. Christmas is my favorite time of year, followed by Thanksgiving and Halloween. So October, November and December are all just a build up of holiday wonderfulness in my mind.

But I do still remember how difficult last Christmas was. I felt cold, alone and empty...separated from everyone and everything. I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous that this year would bring some of the same feelings up, but I am confident that this year will be very different from last year.

So...hooray for another holiday season!!

Happy Halloween!!

Cold Nights...

There are moments that are so cold,
There are nights that are so dark,
That I remember
How cold and long and dark
All those nights alone were.
How helpless I felt...
How distant I felt...
How empty I felt...
How alone I felt...

But...
I may be cold,
I may be shivering,
I might be out in the darkest of night,
But I am not alone.
I am no longer empty,
I live in the present,
And I am stronger than I ever was.

Each sunset
And dark of night
Brings a new sunrise,
And a new day.

I walk now in the brightness of day,
The sun shining on my face
As I turn my freckled nose high
And smell the sweetness of sunshine,
And feel the warmth of being renewed.

It's a new day.

Jobs...

I have a few jobs. It has been years since I have had just one job at a time. I will be the first to admit that I have spent the last several years as a workaholic, but now that I have seen what life is like without endless hours of work, I am more than happy just to work to live, not live to work.

I have one job that is driving me crazy though...the others all have their moments, but I still enjoy them. But this one job, the bad stuff keeps far outweighing the good. There is very little communication, and as someone who is only in once a week, I feel very unprepared for what I will have to face each time I go in.

The rules change from week to week, but no one bothers to tell me. I do my best to read all the memos and keep myself up to date, but when there are no communications...it doesn't matter.

I am starting to reach the end of my rope on this one...we'll see just how much longer I can go.

Comments...

Funny story...

So not very many people leave comments here (which, by the way, you should do sometimes!!). So when I saw that I a comment on Broken Like a Vase... and Fall... I was quite surprised!!

Well, turns out it was spam, from "Billy." He left a comment saying how he got his ex back using some website and he is *SO* happy.

Wow, ya timed that one wrong Billy. There is no way I want my ex back, and it shows that you really read my post...right?

Anyhow, "Billy," if that is even your real name--don't leave spam comments. Especially such insensitive, ignorant ones.

But everyone else, feel free to tell me what's on your mind. I love getting feedback.

Goodbye Billy. Have fun with your ex.

Broken Like A Vase...

There are times I really hate facebook. Only because I am an expert facebook stalker...I enjoy finding out who is up to what, what's going on...etc, etc.

Today I stumbled upon a post from a friend referring to something my ex had said. He said something to the effect of "trust is like a vase, once it's broken you can glue it back together, but it will never be the same again."

If he only knew how true his words are...if only he knew how true his words are for me.

I wonder if he thinks about how he broke his trust to me. I wonder if he even considers that side of the coin, or if he is still so narcissistic that he can't fathom the hurt he has caused me.

It's probably all my fault in his head.

Sometimes, I imagine what he thinks. How he feels. I imagine that he thinks that I should have stayed...that he thinks that what he did to me was "fine" and "socially acceptable." I imagine that he cannot comprehend why I left...I imagine that he is eyeball deep in denial. It's hard to see anything clearly from that point of view.

I imagine he feels betrayed...alone. Like he can never trust anyone again. I imagine he feels broken and lost...like he is putting the pieces of his life back together.

And then...I start to get angry. Because I imagine that he has no idea how he broke me.

If we want to use his analogy, he took the precious vase I had stored up in my heart, and pitched it as hard as he could off of a 4 story parking garage onto the street below. Just so cars could continue to run over it...insult to injury.

It is difficult, learning to trust again. And what gets even more frustrating is that there are feelings in the present that have nothing to do with the present...they are are residue from the past. What's the point in trying to create a beautiful vase when the last one you so carefully crafted was so viciously destroyed?

I have been dealing with trust issues lately. It came up in therapy, and so I am trying to tackle them before they get any worse. Fortunately, I have someone who is very supportive and understanding.

But right now, I still wish I could tell my ex exactly what is on my mind. I wish I could scream, and he would finally hear me, finally get his head out of wherever it is and face the truth.

For now, I will end with this:

Abuse is not ok...not in any measure. No abuse is "fine" or "socially acceptable." No woman, or man, should be stuck in a relationship where the abuse continues or escalates. If you or someone you know may be in an abusive relationship, get help.

Today.

Tomorrow may be too late.

It's easier to put together the broken pieces before you yourself are broken.

Snow...

There's already snow up in the mountains...already.

They say it won't be down here soon, but I am sure it will be here all too soon...

This weekend I was obsessed with the changing leaves. It seems like they just started changing--only last week we had trees plump with lush green leaves. The bright fall leaves have only been around for a few days, and they are already falling...some trees are already bare...stick thin and looking dead.

The wind is already gusting...whipping through the dead trees, stirring up the remains of their summer coats and carrying them across streets and yards. The beautiful blue sky is hidden by layers and layers of storm clouds...threatening more foul weather....

The snow will be here all too soon. And it will feel like an eternity of cold damnation.

I will have to wait...I will have to remember that the sun will come out again. I will wait...patiently, for the spring...when the air warms again, when life blossoms anew, when the grass and leaves are green again, and when the blue sky grows from horizon to horizon...

I will wait...maybe hibernate.

Big breakfasts and short hikes...

I love Sunday mornings. At least the Sunday mornings of late.

Ryan and I have gotten into a habit...or maybe tradition--every Sunday morning/noon we make a large breakfast. French toast or pancakes, eggs, hashbrowns, veggie sausage, orange juice and chocolate almond milk. It is wonderful!!

I am in love. In case you didn't already notice. ;-)

I have finally found someone who makes me feel like I am the only person on the planet...and even if I am not, I feel like I am the coolest and most important person on the planet. It is amazing to feel like someone would swim across the ocean, climb mountains, conquer space and slay zombies just to kill time with me.

So spending Sunday mornings curled up on the couch, watching "Sunday morning cartoons" and chowing down on seriously delicious food--AND getting to spend all the time with someone super amazing...makes for a great day.

And in the afternoon, we went for a short hike/climb...in the cold and wind...but surrounded by the beauty of fall.

I love Sundays...

Fall...

I love the fall colors of Colorado. It is hard to imagine anything more beautiful than the brightness of the changing leaves juxtaposed against a dark and cloudy sky.

Fall really is in full swing. Yesterday I wore a fall outfit for the first time this year.

Already?

I know that all too soon winter will be here. Even though fall has just begun, the feelings of winter will be right on its heels.

Every time I walk outside and the weather is like this...I just wish that this was as cold as it ever got here. I wish the changing leaves would stay for a month, instead of just a week. I wish the ice would never form on the roads, and that the snow would only fall in the mountains (except for on Christmas Eve and Christmas, which are the two days a year I LOVE snow...) I wish the wind were kinder, the day still longer, and the cold not so biting.

I look at the trees...how is it they are almost bare already? It seems not so long ago they were just blossoming for the spring.

Oh winter...I know you're coming. But can you wait just a while? I am not yet done with Fall...

Exhuasted...

I am exhausted.

It has been a long week--a good one, but still long. It is nice that after a long week of work...I get a break. There isn't more work to be done, there isn't a continued deadline...it's done. It really is a nice change of pace from working in theatre for so long.

So, I am going to say goodnight. Time to pay off some of that sleep debt...

Is it Thursday?

I worked my first overnight at TCS last night, and it was wonderful!! If I had to choose a job to do overnight...this would definitely be it!! I was surrounded by great people, and I got to do fun work--even taking out the trash was a laugh!

But I will admit--I now feel like I am kind of in a time warp...what day is it? Is it really Thursday? Do I really only have 2 more work shifts until the weekend...and I love *both* shifts I have to do??

Awesome. My life is some sort of awesome.

I haven't written about the kids in a while, so just to give you an update--they are doing very well. Sora has kept up with his routine shots, and so he is happy and healthy (and just as loud as ever). Kairi continues to amaze me by becoming more beautiful and adorable every day. Each day I am so happy--I feel so blessed to have these two wonderful little furballs to come home to. They brighten my days and warm my nights. I wouldn't change a thing about either of them!! Well...just one thing maybe...it seems they like to fling kitty litter to the far corners of the bathroom. That I could do without. ;-)

So, as a reminder--don't forget to check out your local shelter when considering adoption!! And take the time to visit The Animal Rescue Site every day. You can help them raise funds for animal shelters simply by visiting their site and clicking the purple "Give" button. Cost: 5 seconds of your time. Saving an animal's life: Priceless. Today's shelter story brought tears to my eyes.

Shelter animals need forever homes too. When bringing home a shelter animal, you are bringing home endless gratitude and unconditional love. What could be better than that?

Our Song

by The Spill Canvas

Be kind when you rewind
The story of the two of us.
Sometimes you wish
It was a little more mysterious.
When you look at me
With your cinematic eyes,
I want to play the part
But I forget the lines.

I do it all the time...
I never get it right.

One day when you replay
The slide show we know,
Pictures won't show villains and heroes.
It's just me killin' time with you.
Butter knife's dull,
But it still cuts through.

We never were,
We'll never be,
Stranger kissin' in the pourin' rain.
Chasin' after your leavin' train.
But we know that's not how our song goes.
Oh, you're a waitress in a cocktail bar,
And I save you 'cause I'm a big rockstar.
But we know that's not how our song goes.

It goes like this...

You didn't like my friends and
Your mom didn't trust me.
I thought I was slick, but my moves were rusty.
Bought you a 12-pack,
Promised you sushi,
Sorry if I wasn't straight out of a movie.

We never were,
We'll never be,
Stranger kissin' in the pourin' rain.
Chasin' after your leavin' train.
But we know that's not how our song goes.
Oh, you're a waitress in a cocktail bar,
And I save you 'cause I'm a big rockstar.
But we know that's not how our song goes.

Be kind when you rewind the story of the two of us,
Sometimes you wish it was a little more mysterous.
When you look at me with your cinematic eyes,
I want to play the part but I'm messin' up the lines.

We never were,
We'll never be,
Stranger kissin' in the pourin' rain.
Chasin' after your leavin' train.
But we know that's not how our song goes.
Oh, you're a waitress in a cocktail bar,
And I save you 'cause I'm a big rockstar.
But we know that's not how our song goes.

It goes like this...
It goes like this...
_________________________________

It doesn't take fancy dinners or dozens of roses...

When all I really want to do is spend time with you.

:-)

Intentional Insomnia...

This will be interesting...

Tomorrow night and Thursday night I am working overnight shifts at TCS. I am interested to see how this intentional insomnia will go. I have protein bars and energy drinks ready to go, just in case I have somehow managed to "cure" the worst of my insomnia...just in case I can't just turn it on when necessary like I have done in the past.

While my insomnia has been painful and lonely at times, I have definitely gotten used to it, and take advantage of it when I can. It is nice to know when I need to stay awake for 65 hours straight--I can!

I wonder what it will be like to be around other people who live a fairly "normal" schedule...what will it be like in the early, early hours of the morning, when everyone else is used to being fast asleep...

I guess we will see.

One year ago today, I was still trying to make sense of love...and trying to love again...

Early Mornings...

I get to work on time now...that's a new thing. Especially given I have to be at work just before 5AM some days...

This morning was pretty chilly around 430. The air was crisp and cool, and it was dark. And I mean dark. I already miss the long summer hours..early sunrises and late sunsets...

It's kind of fun to get to watch the sunrise on these mornings...it reminds me of the days when my family would road trip down to Arizona for visits--we would start driving in the very early morning, and would catch the sunrise somewhere out along the highway in the middle of nowhere...so beautiful.

I don't know if I will ever get used to this schedule, but it is working out great for me so far. I don't mind the early mornings once I get moving, and I get to listen to fun music and be around great people.

I just don't imagine myself getting up too early on days I don't work...staying up late is way more fun.

Sunday Best...

This morning I woke up, and had a flashback...back to the Sundays with my ex.

I don't know how else to say it, but we were basically different religions. I consider myself a non-denominational Christian and he was Catholic. Two very different things. So our deal was that we would go to his church for three weeks, and then my church for three weeks. (He and his family sang/ played instruments for the 'praise band' so that was his schedule.)

I remember miserable morning of getting up to be at mass by 745. I was "not allowed" to skip church--even a couple times when I was feeling sick I had to get up, and spend my morning amongst people who did not want me around in a church where I did not agree with all their teachings. My saving grace for those Sundays was the fact that I could come back home and sleep after brunch.

After a while of not being allowed to "call in sick" to church, I started volunteering to work Sunday mornings. I began to enjoy working on those morning more than being at church...

For "my" church, we never went. I stopped going to church my senior year of high school, and have not really found a reason to go back. But that can be another post. ;-)

Nonetheless, it was so calming and so freeing to realize that life is not what mine is anymore. It was great to realize that I didn't have to get out of bed early just to spend my morning being torn down.

Life has changed so much, and I am so happy for it.

Sunshine and Things...

Today was just a fun day of window shopping. Another relaxing Saturday free from work and obligation.

Last night we cleaned up my parents' basement. With three kids moving back in and out, it had gotten into quite a disarray. So Ryan and I reorganized, vacuumed and cleaned up what we could. It is looking pretty good, I will finish all that's left at the beginning of the week. It is nice to be in a clean, organized space :-)

I am loving weekends. I know that I write about it every weekend, but that's only because I am not used to not working on weekends...and so I am loving every moment of it!!

So I hope you all are enjoying your weekends as much as I am. If not, do something different. Weekends are too wonderful to no be enjoying them!

I Don't Know How To Do This...

I seem to be able to get only so far, and then I hit a wall...a big one I can't climb over.

I am very independent. Very. People who know me well won't find that surprising whatsoever. I am used to taking care of myself...I am used to doing everything on my own. While I think that it is not necessarily always a bad thing, it does bring forth some problems...

I am used to being the only person that I can completely trust. I am used to never asking for help--if there is something that has to be done, I will find a way to make it happen on my own. I don't want to "owe" anyone anything, I don't want to have to rely on other people just to be let down...but...

I have someone I have realized won't let me go it all alone. I push them away in my dark hours, in my lonely moments...and they bust in with a flashlight and a blanket. I push them away with my unintentional silence and sadness, and they burst into song and dance to make me laugh...

And when I am at my lowest, when I can't see the sunshine...he holds me close and tells me he loves me, and the sun will be high in the sky before I know it.

I don't know how to do this.
I don't know how to truly, fully rely on another person.
I don't know how to trust someone more than I trust myself--it leaves me feeling vulnerable...scared.
I don't know how to squash the fear that boils up and out of my heart.
I don't know how to kill the uneasiness and anxiety that envelops my guts.
I don't know how to let myself leap and fall, knowing I won't be able to catch myself.
I don't know how it could be possible to find someone who loves me as much as Ryan does...
I don't know how I could not give my all to try my best to do this.

I saw a saying once...and I love it.

"Love is foolish...but I still might try it sometime."

Fidelity

by Regina Spektor

(Shake it up)

I never loved nobody fully,
Always one foot on the ground.
And by protecting my heart truly,
I got lost in the sounds.
I hear in my mind,
All these voices.
I hear in my mind,
All these words.
I hear in my mind,
All this music,
And it breaks my heart.
And it breaks my heart.
And it breaks my heart.
It breaks my heart.

And suppose I never ever met you.
Suppose we never fell in love.
Suppose I never ever let you,
Kiss me so sweet, and so soft.
Suppose I never ever saw you.
Suppose we never ever called.
Suppose I kept on singing love songs,
Just to break my own fall.
Just to break my fall.
Just to break my fall.
Break my fall.
Break my fall.

All my friends say that of course
It's gonna get better,
Gonna get better,
Better, better, better, better,
Better, better, better.

I never loved nobody fully,
Always one foot on the ground.
And by protecting my heart truly,
I got lost in the sounds.
I hear in my mind,
All these voices.
I hear in my mind,
All these words.
I hear in my mind,
All this music,
And it breaks my heart,
It breaks my heart.

I hear in my mind,
All of these voices.
I heart in my mind,
All of these words.
I hear in my mind,
All of this music.

And it breaks my heart.
Breaks my
Heart.
Breaks my heart.

(Don't forget to follow the link to watch the video...it's super fun and cute.)

Fall is Love...

Every year, somehow I forget how much I love fall in Colorado. I love the crispness of the cooler air, the brightness of the changing leaves, the cool breezes under the warm sun...

The multitude of blues in the sky juxtaposed against the bright earth tones all around...

If only this were as cold as it gets. If only it could just stay like this all winter...and we could skip the endless nights, they all too short days, the ice and snow...the barren trees and dead grass...the emptiness...

I love this time of year...I always forget. Probably because winter will be here all too soon..

Passed 400...

I officially have more than 400 blog posts...crazy!!

It may be weird (or unintentional narcissism) but I really love going back and reading through past posts. It helps give me a sense of perspective as well as a sense of accomplishment...not only have I written all that has been happening in my life, but I have also survived all of it!!

I am looking forward to the posts I will get to write in the future....I am looking forward to what my life holds...I think it is going to be a great adventure!!

How Do You Like Your Meat?

I was driving home from TCS today, and on my way around to 96th, I came across a semi facing the other direction on a divided cloverleaf...

The semi had tried to take a really tight cloverleaf through a highly landscaped area--so there were hills as well as the usual trees, etc. Well, the semi's trailer had gotten caught up on one of the hills, so the trailer was tilted at about a 35 degree angle, looking as though it might tip right over at any time.

As I continued to drive past the semi, I realized that this was no ordinary trailer--it was a livestock trailer. My heart filled with dread as I came around the side...and sure enough, I saw the bodies of cows pressed way up against the wall, and I heard a chorus of moo's as I drove past...

I was infuriated. I wanted to stop and point out the indecency in the idiocy. No one seemed the least bit worried about the cows...I bet everyone was far more concerned with the landscaping at their precious mall...

Looking into a livestock trailer as I was driving past it was my last straw--it pushed me over the edge into becoming a vegetarian. I remember looking in and seeing an eye...a terrified, lonely eye....

All my thoughts and feelings concerning animal souls aside...this is another reason why I don't eat meat. The transport and slaughter of animals in this country is atrocious and often very inhumane. Want to read a little about it? Try Animals in Translation by Temple Grandin. I bet you'll learn something about yourself too.

I think of our society, and how everyone is toting karma and zen around in their handbags like it's going to give their lives meaning and purpose, as well as make them fashionable. My thought is, do you really want to put this kind of energy into your body? Not only the caloric energy of antibiotic laced, malnourished cow meat; but also the not-so-tangible energy of a being that was mistreated in life, carelessly transported and brutally killed. Sounds super zen and like great karma, right?

So, how do you like your meat? Mooing on the side of the road as it stands--scared and confused in a trailer that is half-tilted? Or do you like your chicken packed so tightly into hen houses that they nervously peck at each other, eventually plucking most of each others' feathers out whilst trying to calm their neurosis? Or do you like your pig squealing...in such a manner that even the people who have been working the slaughter floor for years still react to the noise?

If you'd rather watch a movie than read, try Food, Inc. I still have nightmares about the bit with the cow and the forklift...

I encourage you to think twice about what you eat. Even if you never have any intention of becoming a vegetarian. Think about where it came from, the life it led, and the death it had to face.

Then think about if you really want to support such practices.

There are better ways of doing things...

Thank you.

Another week...

Mondays...they aren't super fun, are they?

At least today wasn't too bad for me. I got to spend the morning at CU, then got my tattoo touched up, did my nanny gig for a while, then was done with work for the day--which is awesome!

I find it so odd to think of time passing...whether it's going by slowly or quickly...it is funny to think that it all passes at exactly the same rate, it's just relative.

The work week, when I'm in the midst of it, seems to go by so slowly. Then by the time the weekend rolls around...those one or two days just fly by so quickly. I feel as though I hardly have time to think!!

Well, here goes another week, looking forward to another weekend!

10.10.10...

I love having weekend days free...it is marvelous.

Days off still seem like such a novelty--a phenomenon to me. What do you mean there are days I don't have to work anywhere?? What??

Today was a lovely Sunday spent with Ryan. I really enjoy having free time that we can spend together, and adventure together.

I am especially looking forward to next weekend...when I have 2 whole days off!!!

My thought for the day...what were YOU doing at 10:10 on 10.10.10?

Rushing Around...and Stress...

I have been rushing from job, to job, to job all day yesterday and today. Yesterday I went straight from CU to TCS (The Container Store), and this morning I went in to the Rec Center and rushed straight from there to TCS...and straight from there I rushed to Ryan's parents' house for dinner...I don't do well with all this sort of thing...

I get anxious...in social situations. Even at work...I have to take time to prepare myself. And if I get overwhelmed with people--I find a quiet aisle to straighten for a bit before venturing out again.

I like time to breathe and process...all this rushing about does not accommodate that.

Some days, my neurosis kill me.

Today is definitely one of those days...

Back at CU...

Today I got to go back to CU and work for a day...I get to go back for half a day on Monday as well.

It was really wonderful to get to see everyone again, and it was fun to get to do some sewing. I haven't done much sewing at all over the past few months...it has been nice.

My wrist has not really bothered me since I stopped stitching as my everyday career. I shocked it a bit in Utah when I fell once, but it was fine in an hour or so. But I hardly ever lose feeling in my hand and fingers, which used to be a regular sensation...

I enjoy sewing again, which is amazing. It was fun to do a little problem solving...and enjoy a little blast from the past.

There are time I really miss my job. I do miss working more, and I miss the people dearly. But I greatly enjoy having the time for a social life, I am happy my wrist feels much better, and I am glad that I no longer dread sewing.

I miss it all sometimes...but I know I made the right choice.

Worry is Such a Silly Thing...

...and yet, I do it all the time.

And I worry about silly things too...

Like:

I worry every night that I am going to put my contacts back in the wrong side, so that only every other day are my contacts in the proper eyes.

I worry about missing cool numbers that pop on my odometer...like yesterday I missed 233233...I am waiting for 234567. But inevitably, I get distracted at the last moment and miss the number I have patiently waited for. (Before 234567, I am waiting for 233332....)

I worry about my cats, all the time. No, they are not spoiled--they just get everything that they deserve. ;-) I worry that they aren't getting enough attention, that they will get bitten by a very large spider, or that they will get injured in some freak accident...

I worry about shopping carts hitting the backs of my ankles. It really hurts!! And my youngest brother used to do it to me all the time as a kid, so now I will not walk in front of a cart.

I worry about misunderstanding music lyrics. As a writer, I feel I have an obligation to know exactly what was written and sung...but sometimes the lyrics are so hard to understand.

I do worry about normal things too, don't worry. ;-)

I worry about doing well at work...about getting enough hours and being the best I can be.

I worry about my family, and everything they have going on in their lives...

I worry about the future, what it holds...what it doesn't hold.

I worry that I am not good enough....

See, normal things...right?

I think about these sort of things when insomnia strikes. It's actually about 2AM right now...I worked a late night shift at work, came home and have not yet been tired. Kairi will force me to sleep soon, she likes her cuddle time!!

Worry is something we all do, I know. But what do you worry about that's silly?

As the Leaves Change...

As the leaves change,
So do I.
They slowly shed
Their shimmering summer skin,
All waxy and green,
And trade it for
Brightly colored fall coats,
Which last only a moment
Before they fall away...

Their fall coats,
In all their brilliance,
Do not last,
They cannot last....
It is a sign they are done...
They are dying.

As the leaves change,
So do I.
As each evening
The sun sets sooner,
The darkness grow darker,
The days and nights
Grow colder...
I shed my own summer skin,
Wishing I could instead
Keep it on forever...
Never having to don
My fall coats...
And my winter coats...

As the leaves change,
So do I...
But not so brightly,
Not so gracefully.
I change with the winds
Blowing in cold snows...
And as my body shivers
And shakes with the cold,
My heart grows cold
And empty,
Longing...
For the long summer days,
The blistering heat of day,
The radiating warmth in the night...

As the leaves change,
So do I.
My mind grows cloudy,
Like the days.
Days and days
And days and days
Without sunshine...
My soul feels brittle,
Almost broken underfoot,
Crushed,
Like the autumn leaves--
Once so bright and festive.
My soul feels bare,
Like the limbs of the trees
Once brightly adorned
With shimmering green leaves...

As the leaves change,
So do I.
I will wait...
I will watch...
For the tiny buds of spring
To fight their way through the cold
Through the winter...
Until they blossom,
Into beautiful
Glistening green leaves
Rustling in the summer breeze.

As the leaves change,
So do I....

Facebook....

I will be the first to admit that I am slightly addicted to facebook (I say slightly because I am on there WAY less now than I used to be.) I love the fact that I can check up on all my friends and family in the same place, let everyone know what I am basically up to, and stalk all my friends who have moved away through all the pictures they have posted. (Emmy!!!)

But, as much as I love facebook, I try to post very little about myself there. Some people post everything--every tiny detail of their new relationship (or break-up), where they ate lunch and where they are hanging out all night, what they think of politics, and even where they spend their time (*cough* farmville...).

So, if you are one of those people who normally only knows the facebook me, it's about to get a lot more personal. This is my personal turf, this is where I put anything and everything I want to talk about in life...and in my life.

Hopefully, you will enjoy it. And maybe you will even find it useful.

Thanks for visiting! I hope you keep coming back!

Fear of Success...

I have been pondering some stuff lately...mostly just some of my habits that I have fallen into.

I have a tendency to procrastinate...in case you haven't noticed. I am great at starting projects, but then I sometimes start to slack on continuing them...and so I decided to try to figure out why this had become a pattern for me.

I started by thinking if I did this because I was afraid of failing. It kind of made sense, because if I didn't really start anything, I wouldn't be responsible for finishing it. You can't fail if you don't try, right?

But that didn't completely add up to me. I am always ready to start something. If you asked me to assemble a car tomorrow, I would try it. I will try anything once...sometimes even more than once just to make sure.

So, I pondered what the flip side of that coin might be...and of course came to a fear of success, which I have been pondering over the last few days.

I think that I have become comfortable...I enjoy having free time to spend with Ryan, time to write, time to breathe and think. I have come to enjoy spending time with friends, having time to call and chat, and having a social life.

I think that my fear of success stems from a fear of losing all of that free time. If I become successful, will I be to busy for all of that? Will work once again consume my life? Will I lose all of the ground I have gained?

I am not sure. But I am going to try it anyway. I am going to work my hardest to be as successful as possible...as long as I still have the time I need for me...and the time for all I want and need.

Nothing Special, Yet Super Special...

Today was a wonderful day.

This morning started with Ryan making me a delicious breakfast--as a surprise!! It was wonderful!! Then we got to spend the rest of the day running around--window shopping at our favorite places, then playing a game with his parents. It was all quite lovely.

So not a dramatic, over the top, landmark kind of day. But a wonderful everyday kind of day.

It is nice that "normal" is so happy and exciting.

Something to Look Forward to...

Working...on a Saturday...again.

Don't get me wrong, it is great to have work and to be working...but I did start to really enjoy having weekends free.

But it does give me perspective...tomorrow I get to spend all day with Ryan, so I have something wonderful to look forward to...

Someone to look forward to. :-)

Lazy Evenings...

It is so nice to have evenings free, and to get to spend them with someone I love.

It is so odd working in such a different atmosphere and with such different hours. I did love my job at CU, but it consumed my life for so long. I worked long hours at school, and would often bring work home as well. I had no social life, and when I was married much of any of my free time was spent alone or in front of the tele.

I don't have a set schedule from week to week. There are certain things that stay the same, but my schedule is constantly changing. While it's kind of nice (it does keep me on my toes), it can get a bit overwhelming at times...you just have to take one look at my calendar to see that.

But I still have time to breathe. I still have time to write. I even had time for a run today, but decided to let my lungs have one more day of rest. I have time to be with Ryan, and he wants to spend time with me...it's a wonderful thing.

So I am enjoying lazy evenings...being a homebody with Ryan. Cooking dinner, watching a movie, cozying up on the couch for hours. It's wonderful to feel wanted, to feel like someone wants to spend time with me doing the sort of things that I like to do.

And even though I work tomorrow, what a wonderful way to start the weekend.