It is always so hard to leave Tucson. I feel at home here....
The too hot dry heat that drives so many people mad soothes me. The hot Arizona sun warms me all the way to my soul...the blue sky and white puffy clouds set against the desert sand are the most beautiful backdrop for life. And Arizona sunsets are like no others....they can't be compared to any sunsets anywhere else in the world.
I have found a new peace....and maybe a new piece here too. Spending time with my Mom this trip has helped me heal the old wounds that lie here in this town for me. Learning to move on and continue to grow, continue to learn to love and trust.
A new piece...perhaps a piece of my future. It is still undecided.
I got the wrong fortune cookie when we went to lunch in Payson...my Grandmother got my fortune instead. "The reward for having feelings is great joy." I thought it more fitting for me than for her, so I kept the fortune.
So once again, I pack up what I have here...while simultaneously considering when will be the next time I come back to visit. Because I know I can't stay away for long...and I won't.
I will miss the wrought iron bars on the windows and doors. I will miss the cacti growing abundantly. I will miss the hot sunshine and glorious sunsets. I will miss this crazy pull-out bed and pile of pillows. I will miss visiting with my pen pals and extended family. I will miss midnight gardening and recon missions with Grandma.
But most of all I will just miss Grandma. My best friend...I am a very fortunate gal.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Monday, July 27, 2009
I like who I am here...
There are many things about being here in Tucson that I love: being with Grandma, seeing my pen pals, the beautiful hot weather, lounging by the pool every morning, the sunsets...
But I have found that most of all, I like the person that I am when I am here. I don't know if it's because I am with Grandma, or if it's something about just being here in Arizona....but I like who I am here.
I remember to be polite to people all of the time.
Traffic doesn't make me crazy so I don't yell at other drivers.
I take the time to fix up the house and rearrange furniture.
I can cook....really great food. Really delicious vegetarian fare....without any recipes.
I am more supportive of my family.
I am outgoing....with strangers. I talk to random strangers at the store.
I don't hate people quite so much....
I don't hate children quite so much...
I feel more confident...
There are so many other things too...but it's late and I am tired. But truth is...I like the person I am to the world here....I like the person I am to myself here.
Maybe I should think about that.
But I have found that most of all, I like the person that I am when I am here. I don't know if it's because I am with Grandma, or if it's something about just being here in Arizona....but I like who I am here.
I remember to be polite to people all of the time.
Traffic doesn't make me crazy so I don't yell at other drivers.
I take the time to fix up the house and rearrange furniture.
I can cook....really great food. Really delicious vegetarian fare....without any recipes.
I am more supportive of my family.
I am outgoing....with strangers. I talk to random strangers at the store.
I don't hate people quite so much....
I don't hate children quite so much...
I feel more confident...
There are so many other things too...but it's late and I am tired. But truth is...I like the person I am to the world here....I like the person I am to myself here.
Maybe I should think about that.
Friday, July 24, 2009
ODDitude
My Dad loves books...and I do too. But the book he most recently gave to me to read is unlike any other book he's given me. It's a self-help book, of sorts.
It's called ODDitude by John R. Powers, the same fellow who wrote the Broadway musical Do Black Patent Leather Shoes Really Reflect Up?. It's one of those books that is an easy fast read, and is full of great reflective thoughts.
My favorite, after reading the book once, comes from the chapter: "We Should Never Deny Ourselves the Agony of Defeat." A great title to begin with, and since I still feel in the midst of defeat--encouraging for me. My favorite quote from this chapter is the following:
"If you haven't lost, you haven't lived."
There is so much that can be said about those seven words...I feel every single one of them right now.
The living part is the fun part. The losing...not so much. But it is the space between the losing and the next living that I find most intriguing. It is in that negative space that we learn. The space between is where we grow the most, I believe. It is where we take what we learned from just having lost, and start to apply it to what we think is next in our life. That negative space...is not so negative--not in any sense of the word. It becomes full of promise, for our continuation of really living--but it also becomes positive because we have the opportunity to better ourselves in that moment.
Having lived and lost...I know at this point I am better for it...but I also know that is because I have chosen at each step to take the higher road--to continue to learn from my mistakes and downfalls. I have chosen to not hold onto the past or any grudge, and move on.You have the same choice every day. My Dad always used to tell me: "Every moment has the opportunity to be good or bad. The choice is yours."
So, I choose the good. As much as I can--I choose to be positive and live in happiness.
You can do the same.
If you haven't read it yet, you should read ODDitude. For the ODD, a lot of it is a no-brainer....but sometimes you have to be reminded that being ODD is great. And for the Evens...it's time to be ODD.
Just read the darn book.
It's called ODDitude by John R. Powers, the same fellow who wrote the Broadway musical Do Black Patent Leather Shoes Really Reflect Up?. It's one of those books that is an easy fast read, and is full of great reflective thoughts.
My favorite, after reading the book once, comes from the chapter: "We Should Never Deny Ourselves the Agony of Defeat." A great title to begin with, and since I still feel in the midst of defeat--encouraging for me. My favorite quote from this chapter is the following:
"If you haven't lost, you haven't lived."
There is so much that can be said about those seven words...I feel every single one of them right now.
The living part is the fun part. The losing...not so much. But it is the space between the losing and the next living that I find most intriguing. It is in that negative space that we learn. The space between is where we grow the most, I believe. It is where we take what we learned from just having lost, and start to apply it to what we think is next in our life. That negative space...is not so negative--not in any sense of the word. It becomes full of promise, for our continuation of really living--but it also becomes positive because we have the opportunity to better ourselves in that moment.
Having lived and lost...I know at this point I am better for it...but I also know that is because I have chosen at each step to take the higher road--to continue to learn from my mistakes and downfalls. I have chosen to not hold onto the past or any grudge, and move on.You have the same choice every day. My Dad always used to tell me: "Every moment has the opportunity to be good or bad. The choice is yours."
So, I choose the good. As much as I can--I choose to be positive and live in happiness.
You can do the same.
If you haven't read it yet, you should read ODDitude. For the ODD, a lot of it is a no-brainer....but sometimes you have to be reminded that being ODD is great. And for the Evens...it's time to be ODD.
Just read the darn book.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Front Porch Phenomenon
There is this wonderful phenomenon among the elderly generation...the front porch. Friends gather together almost every night on someone's front porch, and they sit and talk with each other for hours. There are no watches, no clocks. Simply the joy of sharing each others' company.
When I am here in Tucson, I get to sit in on these wonderful events. My Grandma and I walk about a block and a half, over to either Ann's or Althea's, and we rustle up a couple of chairs...and join the circle of friends.
Tonight as I looked around, I realized that I am younger than everyone by at least 5 decades. So, I gaze around....and admire the friendships that I see before me.
These friendships are neither superficial nor out of convenience. There are bonds here that have been forged over years of battles with life, formed between allies...these are bonds that cannot be broken.
I am the only one wearing any makeup in the circle....the only one who still needs a physical facade to hide behind. I am the only one with a phone in their hand...there is no need for another diversion when one is surrounded by wonderful friends.
All of a sudden...I felt like I was 12 again. With my scraped knees and scartched legs...my lack of life experience...my lack of strong bonds.
As I look around the circle, I can only pray that someday...I will have friends that I can sit out on the front porch with.
No clock.
No phone.
No makeup.
Only the strongest bonds which tie us together...those of hope and love.
When I am here in Tucson, I get to sit in on these wonderful events. My Grandma and I walk about a block and a half, over to either Ann's or Althea's, and we rustle up a couple of chairs...and join the circle of friends.
Tonight as I looked around, I realized that I am younger than everyone by at least 5 decades. So, I gaze around....and admire the friendships that I see before me.
These friendships are neither superficial nor out of convenience. There are bonds here that have been forged over years of battles with life, formed between allies...these are bonds that cannot be broken.
I am the only one wearing any makeup in the circle....the only one who still needs a physical facade to hide behind. I am the only one with a phone in their hand...there is no need for another diversion when one is surrounded by wonderful friends.
All of a sudden...I felt like I was 12 again. With my scraped knees and scartched legs...my lack of life experience...my lack of strong bonds.
As I look around the circle, I can only pray that someday...I will have friends that I can sit out on the front porch with.
No clock.
No phone.
No makeup.
Only the strongest bonds which tie us together...those of hope and love.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Igloo 4
I stand here, alone again.
In the midst of what used to be my igloo.
The last of the ice has melted,
Small puddles have settled in the green grass,
And small flowers have started to bloom.
Tiny white ones over here,
Sprawling purple ones over there.
Proof that hope always survives.
In the midst of what used to be my igloo.
The last of the ice has melted,
Small puddles have settled in the green grass,
And small flowers have started to bloom.
Tiny white ones over here,
Sprawling purple ones over there.
Proof that hope always survives.
I know where all the keys are hidden...
Being back in Tucson is so....heartwarming. I love being here in my Grandmother's house...it feels like home--it feels better than home.
Here...I know where all the keys are. I don't even have to think about it...I know how to get through every door--every lock. There are no dark corners, no places I want to forget...only a few haunting memories that are easily forgotten.
But I know where all the keys are hidden...the keys to the house........the keys to my heart.
Now I have to decide what to do with them.
Will I keep my keys hidden? Will I unlock the door to my heart on my own? Or will I trust someone enough to let them hold the keys to my heart?
I am reminded of a country song--"Where the Green Grass Grows."
"I've got bars on my doors
And bars on my heart.
But I want to live
Where the green grass grows...
Every night being tucked in close to you..."
One thing that I love about Tucson is that practically everyone has wrought-iron bars on their doors and windows. It is something I grew up knowing...and I find it comforting. But I realize now that I most likely have the exact same bars on my heart...where it is comfortable.
Someday my keys will unlock those bars. Until then, I smile and wait comfortably...there is plenty of space to reach through the bars....but it will take the keys to open it up completely.
I know where all the keys are...maybe even the ones you are looking for.
Here...I know where all the keys are. I don't even have to think about it...I know how to get through every door--every lock. There are no dark corners, no places I want to forget...only a few haunting memories that are easily forgotten.
But I know where all the keys are hidden...the keys to the house........the keys to my heart.
Now I have to decide what to do with them.
Will I keep my keys hidden? Will I unlock the door to my heart on my own? Or will I trust someone enough to let them hold the keys to my heart?
I am reminded of a country song--"Where the Green Grass Grows."
"I've got bars on my doors
And bars on my heart.
But I want to live
Where the green grass grows...
Every night being tucked in close to you..."
One thing that I love about Tucson is that practically everyone has wrought-iron bars on their doors and windows. It is something I grew up knowing...and I find it comforting. But I realize now that I most likely have the exact same bars on my heart...where it is comfortable.
Someday my keys will unlock those bars. Until then, I smile and wait comfortably...there is plenty of space to reach through the bars....but it will take the keys to open it up completely.
I know where all the keys are...maybe even the ones you are looking for.
Friday, July 17, 2009
And the sun will set for you...
So I still have the same songs stuck in my head. Particularly that one phrase. What suns in my life are setting? Which parts am I waving good bye to? Which pieces have settled and are no longer active?
I don't know...I am not entirely sure. All I know is that every time there is a sunset...there is a sunrise. And I look forward to both...endings and beginnings are both beautiful...each in a different way, but both worth experiencing.
I leave on Sunday for almost 3 weeks. I will spend 10 days in my beautiful Arizona, then back to Colorado for one day, and then out to California for 10 days. I am so excited...but I know I am going to miss my cats oh so much...
I look forward to the sunrises awaiting me. I look forward to the sunsets too.
I don't know...I am not entirely sure. All I know is that every time there is a sunset...there is a sunrise. And I look forward to both...endings and beginnings are both beautiful...each in a different way, but both worth experiencing.
I leave on Sunday for almost 3 weeks. I will spend 10 days in my beautiful Arizona, then back to Colorado for one day, and then out to California for 10 days. I am so excited...but I know I am going to miss my cats oh so much...
I look forward to the sunrises awaiting me. I look forward to the sunsets too.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Sometimes Goodbye's the Only Way...
I am faced with some disappointment...in various things...people. I am doing my best to not dwell in that disappointment, but today it is difficult.
It is a Linkin Park kind of day. I am dwelling with two of their songs: "Shadow of the Day" and "New Divide." I feel that at this moment they start to capture what I am hiding inside.
New Divide--Linkin Park
I remembered black skies all around me,
The lightning all around me.
I remembered each flash
As time began to blur.
Like a startling sign
That fate had finally found me.
And your voice was all I heard
That I get what I deserve.
So give me reason
To prove me wrong
To wash this memory clean
Let the thoughts cross
The distance in your eyes
Give me reason
To fill this hole
Connect the space between
Let it fill up to reach the truth and lies
Across this new divide.
There was nothing inside
The memories left abandoned.
There was nowhere to hide.
The ashes fell like snow
And the ground caved in
Between where we were standing.
And your voice was all I heard
That I get what I deserve.
So give me reason
To prove me wrong
To wash this memory clean
Let the thoughts cross
The distance in your eyes
Across this new divide.
And every loss and every lie
And every truth that you deny
And each regret and each goodbye
Was a mistake too big to hide.
And your voice was all I heard
That I get what I deserve.
So give me reason
To prove me wrong
To wash this memory clean
Let the thoughts cross
The distance in your eyes
Give me reason
To fill this hole
Connect the space between
Let it fill up to reach the truth and lies
Across this new divide.
Link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ysSxxIqKNN0
Shadow of the Day--Linkin Park
I close both locks below the window.
I close both blinds and turn away.
Sometimes solutions aren't so simple.
Sometimes goodbye's the only way.
And the sun will set for you.
And the sun will set for you.
And the shadow of the day,
Will embrace the world in gray.
And the sun will set for you.
Cards and flowers on your window.
Your friends all plead for you to stay.
Sometimes beginnings aren't so simple.
Sometimes goodbye's the only way.
And the sun will set for you.
And the sun will set for you.
And the shadow of the day,
Will embrace the world in gray.
And the sun will set for you.
And the shadow of the day,
Will embrace the world in gray.
And the sun will set for you.
And the shadow of the day,
Will embrace the world in gray.
And the sun will set for you.
Link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v0nx1rN-EuA
I am dealing a lot with new divides...how to handle them, how to accept them. Some divides are necessary, and some have been carved out where I wish they had not been. I am tired of feeling like the only one reaching out...I am tired of feeling like there is no honesty, no openness.
And the shadows...both day and night, I find lovely--but lonesome at times. I know there are shadows in all of us. I just wish that some were not so painful...I wish they all were the quiet, pensive shadows I like to dwell in.
Sometimes solutions aren't so simple. Sometimes beginnings aren't so simple....and sometimes goodbye is the only way.
How do you know when goodbye is the only way?
It is a Linkin Park kind of day. I am dwelling with two of their songs: "Shadow of the Day" and "New Divide." I feel that at this moment they start to capture what I am hiding inside.
New Divide--Linkin Park
I remembered black skies all around me,
The lightning all around me.
I remembered each flash
As time began to blur.
Like a startling sign
That fate had finally found me.
And your voice was all I heard
That I get what I deserve.
So give me reason
To prove me wrong
To wash this memory clean
Let the thoughts cross
The distance in your eyes
Give me reason
To fill this hole
Connect the space between
Let it fill up to reach the truth and lies
Across this new divide.
There was nothing inside
The memories left abandoned.
There was nowhere to hide.
The ashes fell like snow
And the ground caved in
Between where we were standing.
And your voice was all I heard
That I get what I deserve.
So give me reason
To prove me wrong
To wash this memory clean
Let the thoughts cross
The distance in your eyes
Across this new divide.
And every loss and every lie
And every truth that you deny
And each regret and each goodbye
Was a mistake too big to hide.
And your voice was all I heard
That I get what I deserve.
So give me reason
To prove me wrong
To wash this memory clean
Let the thoughts cross
The distance in your eyes
Give me reason
To fill this hole
Connect the space between
Let it fill up to reach the truth and lies
Across this new divide.
Link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ysSxxIqKNN0
Shadow of the Day--Linkin Park
I close both locks below the window.
I close both blinds and turn away.
Sometimes solutions aren't so simple.
Sometimes goodbye's the only way.
And the sun will set for you.
And the sun will set for you.
And the shadow of the day,
Will embrace the world in gray.
And the sun will set for you.
Cards and flowers on your window.
Your friends all plead for you to stay.
Sometimes beginnings aren't so simple.
Sometimes goodbye's the only way.
And the sun will set for you.
And the sun will set for you.
And the shadow of the day,
Will embrace the world in gray.
And the sun will set for you.
And the shadow of the day,
Will embrace the world in gray.
And the sun will set for you.
And the shadow of the day,
Will embrace the world in gray.
And the sun will set for you.
Link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v0nx1rN-EuA
I am dealing a lot with new divides...how to handle them, how to accept them. Some divides are necessary, and some have been carved out where I wish they had not been. I am tired of feeling like the only one reaching out...I am tired of feeling like there is no honesty, no openness.
And the shadows...both day and night, I find lovely--but lonesome at times. I know there are shadows in all of us. I just wish that some were not so painful...I wish they all were the quiet, pensive shadows I like to dwell in.
Sometimes solutions aren't so simple. Sometimes beginnings aren't so simple....and sometimes goodbye is the only way.
How do you know when goodbye is the only way?
Monday, July 13, 2009
To the one I am looking for...
What would I say if you showed up
On my doorstep today?
I would smile, and laugh--
Hug you so tight you laughed too.
I would invite you in,
Offer you some dinner--something to drink.
Come, sit with me on the couch...
Let's cuddle together--
Who cares if it's summertime,
Let's curl up and pretend it's a snow day.
Let me lay my head on your shoulder,
Wrap your arms around me...
Keep me close...
I would kiss you.
Kiss you for so long.
Come, follow me to the bed.
Wrap your arms around me,
Keep me closer.
I would kiss you,
And strip your clothes off
While you stripped off mine.
I would tell you that I will walk with you,
I will run with you.
I will just stand with you when you need me to.
I will listen to you,
I will carry you when you fall,
I will hold you so tight.
I will love you more than you could ever imagine.
While you are miles and miles away,
If I could talk to you today,
I would ask how your day was.
I would tell you about my adventures here--
Going to the lumber yard and yoga,
And my excitement over my new niece.
I would ask you about your travels...
Is it as beautiful as they say?
Tell me everything about it...
I want so badly to know all you are doing,
All you are experiencing and learning.
If I could talk to you today,
I would tell you that I will walk with you,
I will run with you.
I will just stand with you when you need me to.
I will listen to you,
I will carry you when you fall,
I will hold you so tight.
I will love you more than you could ever imagine.
My memories of us are so clear--
Like the warm summer days I adore.
The smile on your face
Is the bright shining sun,
And the cool blue moonlight.
Your eyes are the sparkle of the stars at night
And the glitter of diamonds on the water.
Your laughter like the morning birds,
Drawing me slowly out of slumber,
And into the most beautiful dream.
If I could tell you what I really felt,
I would tell you that I will walk with you,
I will run with you.
I will just stand with you when you need me to.
I will listen to you,
I will carry you when you fall,
I will hold you so tight.
I will love you more than you could ever imagine.
On my doorstep today?
I would smile, and laugh--
Hug you so tight you laughed too.
I would invite you in,
Offer you some dinner--something to drink.
Come, sit with me on the couch...
Let's cuddle together--
Who cares if it's summertime,
Let's curl up and pretend it's a snow day.
Let me lay my head on your shoulder,
Wrap your arms around me...
Keep me close...
I would kiss you.
Kiss you for so long.
Come, follow me to the bed.
Wrap your arms around me,
Keep me closer.
I would kiss you,
And strip your clothes off
While you stripped off mine.
I would tell you that I will walk with you,
I will run with you.
I will just stand with you when you need me to.
I will listen to you,
I will carry you when you fall,
I will hold you so tight.
I will love you more than you could ever imagine.
While you are miles and miles away,
If I could talk to you today,
I would ask how your day was.
I would tell you about my adventures here--
Going to the lumber yard and yoga,
And my excitement over my new niece.
I would ask you about your travels...
Is it as beautiful as they say?
Tell me everything about it...
I want so badly to know all you are doing,
All you are experiencing and learning.
If I could talk to you today,
I would tell you that I will walk with you,
I will run with you.
I will just stand with you when you need me to.
I will listen to you,
I will carry you when you fall,
I will hold you so tight.
I will love you more than you could ever imagine.
My memories of us are so clear--
Like the warm summer days I adore.
The smile on your face
Is the bright shining sun,
And the cool blue moonlight.
Your eyes are the sparkle of the stars at night
And the glitter of diamonds on the water.
Your laughter like the morning birds,
Drawing me slowly out of slumber,
And into the most beautiful dream.
If I could tell you what I really felt,
I would tell you that I will walk with you,
I will run with you.
I will just stand with you when you need me to.
I will listen to you,
I will carry you when you fall,
I will hold you so tight.
I will love you more than you could ever imagine.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
SWF Looking for...
Watched the finale of Sex and the City last night with the girls. I don't absolutely love that show--it's not my favorite, but I appreciate it for what it was meant to be...a shout out to the single girls, married girls, hurt and loved girls of the world.
Carrie started into her "I am a girl who is looking for love..." and it got me thinking...what am I looking for...so here it is my friends...
I am a girl who is looking for her life. My life, which had belonged to someone and something else for so long. Now this girl is trying to figure out how to put all the pieces back together, and is watching all the new pieces fall into place.
I am a girl looking for her future...where will this new girl live? Work? Play? I don't know any of the answers yet...but I am searching. I am doing my best to find what lies ahead for me, and I am doing it as best as I can--absolutely terrified and excited.
And yes, I am a girl looking for love. Not perfect love--perfect men need not apply--just a love perfect for this girl. A love that is all-consuming yet non-restrictive...a love that cradles you without smothering you. I am looking for a love that fits me...where I don't have to be someone I'm not, and the person I love doesn't have to be someone they're not. I'm not looking for Superman...just my man.
I am looking for someone who will walk with me...who will run with me. Someone who will stand with me when I need them to. Someone who will listen to me, carry me when I fall...someone who will hold me so tight--and love me so much more than I could ever imagine. I am looking for someone who will chase me just as hard as I will chase them...someone who will not be afraid. I am looking for someone who will be honest with me, and respect me enough to always be honest with me, even when it hurts.
I am looking for someone who will work as hard as I will...someone who will make mistakes and learn from them--and move on. Someone who will love me through all my mistakes, and help me learn from them--and move on. I am looking for someone who will let me see their good, bad and ugly...and someone who will love me even after they know my good, bad and ugly.
I am not looking to be a trophy wife. I am not looking to be a wife period. I am looking for a partner...someone who will care for me as I care for them.
I am looking for honest, true, hardcore, take your breath away, give up all your Star Wars cards:
LOVE.
And that is what I am going to find. I will not stop until I find all that I am looking for...it's my life. I found that piece...now it's time for the next piece--however small. Each step brings me closer...and I will live in happiness during my journey to find all these things. I will be met with trouble, strife, heartache and heartbreak. But I choose to live in happiness...I choose to let those who already love me fuel my journey...I am complete...I am enough.
Carrie started into her "I am a girl who is looking for love..." and it got me thinking...what am I looking for...so here it is my friends...
I am a girl who is looking for her life. My life, which had belonged to someone and something else for so long. Now this girl is trying to figure out how to put all the pieces back together, and is watching all the new pieces fall into place.
I am a girl looking for her future...where will this new girl live? Work? Play? I don't know any of the answers yet...but I am searching. I am doing my best to find what lies ahead for me, and I am doing it as best as I can--absolutely terrified and excited.
And yes, I am a girl looking for love. Not perfect love--perfect men need not apply--just a love perfect for this girl. A love that is all-consuming yet non-restrictive...a love that cradles you without smothering you. I am looking for a love that fits me...where I don't have to be someone I'm not, and the person I love doesn't have to be someone they're not. I'm not looking for Superman...just my man.
I am looking for someone who will walk with me...who will run with me. Someone who will stand with me when I need them to. Someone who will listen to me, carry me when I fall...someone who will hold me so tight--and love me so much more than I could ever imagine. I am looking for someone who will chase me just as hard as I will chase them...someone who will not be afraid. I am looking for someone who will be honest with me, and respect me enough to always be honest with me, even when it hurts.
I am looking for someone who will work as hard as I will...someone who will make mistakes and learn from them--and move on. Someone who will love me through all my mistakes, and help me learn from them--and move on. I am looking for someone who will let me see their good, bad and ugly...and someone who will love me even after they know my good, bad and ugly.
I am not looking to be a trophy wife. I am not looking to be a wife period. I am looking for a partner...someone who will care for me as I care for them.
I am looking for honest, true, hardcore, take your breath away, give up all your Star Wars cards:
LOVE.
And that is what I am going to find. I will not stop until I find all that I am looking for...it's my life. I found that piece...now it's time for the next piece--however small. Each step brings me closer...and I will live in happiness during my journey to find all these things. I will be met with trouble, strife, heartache and heartbreak. But I choose to live in happiness...I choose to let those who already love me fuel my journey...I am complete...I am enough.
Friday, July 3, 2009
Done. Over. Ended.
For those of you who have been waiting...it's over. I have the piece of paperwork in my hand...I am legally divorced.
I really didn't know what to expect seeing that piece of paper--it is so small but means so much...but it is over.
"This is so difficult for the both of us.
I know we tried so hard, there's just no hope for us.
Well its more than a shame that we lost to this game...
All of my walking talking breathing sleeping, nothing will ever be the same.
For what it's worth, I've always admired you.
I always thought we could make it through.
Now look what time can do,
It took our masterpiece we built and broke it in two.
I always believed in you.
I always loved you.
...Leading a life that is finally free,
Of these endless nights and countless fights that turn us into who we hate to be"
Bound to Happen, The Spill Canvas
Couldn't have said it better myself.
I really didn't know what to expect seeing that piece of paper--it is so small but means so much...but it is over.
"This is so difficult for the both of us.
I know we tried so hard, there's just no hope for us.
Well its more than a shame that we lost to this game...
All of my walking talking breathing sleeping, nothing will ever be the same.
For what it's worth, I've always admired you.
I always thought we could make it through.
Now look what time can do,
It took our masterpiece we built and broke it in two.
I always believed in you.
I always loved you.
...Leading a life that is finally free,
Of these endless nights and countless fights that turn us into who we hate to be"
Bound to Happen, The Spill Canvas
Couldn't have said it better myself.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Mom
For the first time since I have owned a cell phone...I have a number saved as "Mom."
I was talking on the phone with my Grandma when another call came in from Tucson. I was perplexed, because my Grandma has been the only person to call me from Tucson in years and years. I listened to the voicemail, and it was my Mom. Never would have guessed that...
I called her back. I started to tell her about my brother and whatnot, and she stopped me. She said she needed to apologize. She had found a letter that I had written to her in 2000, and she said that I was totally right, and she was sorry. I have no idea what that letter said...she told me she would show it to me when I stop by to visit her in a few weeks. Yes, I decided to visit her--I was planning on it even before she called.
For those of you who may not know the back story, my Mom and I have never really gotten along. my parents divorced when I was 7 or 8, and my Mom left the state shortly after the divorce was final (I think). Nonetheless, she was pretty nonexistent in my childhood, and while growing up. We rarely talked, rarely visited. When I was younger, I was mad at and resentful towards her. I gave up trying to have a relationship with her because she was caught in a battle between drugs and alcohol. They both won for quite some time.
My Mom missed all those great things mothers and daughters are supposed to do together. She paid no attention to prom, my high school graduation...my wedding. But I was most angry with her when she promised my younger brother she would be there for his graduation...and then she didn't show. She screened my calls when I was trying to find her to talk to her about the wedding, but that didn't matter as much as the sorrow in my brother's eyes when he realized she wasn't coming for his big day.
The last time we spoke was about a month after the wedding. I handed her some pictures from the wedding, and told her I was going back to spend time with Grandma. She made some comment about how I put on weight....which of course made me feel wonderful. And that was our last exchange, until tonight.
I never hated my Mom, and I haven't even really been angry with her in a long time. Someone told me several years ago that sometime you just have to accept things the way they are instead of longing for how they "should" be. That little mantra has helped me so much. It helped me realize that my Mom and I would never have a typical relationship...and that is OK. We have our relationship, however dysfunctional it is.
Long ago I accepted that she loved me because I was her daughter, and I loved her because she was my mother. But I constantly longed for her to tell me that she was proud of me. I spent my life working so hard--focused so much on achievement and accomplishments...that I just wanted to know that she saw that.
Tonight...she said she was proud of me. Through divorce, work, school, everything--she said that she was proud of how hard I have worked. I am not sure I have ever heard my Mom say she was proud of me...
It's not perfect...but what is? I am going to see her new house and meet her husband while I am in Tucson. It won't be perfect, but I don't care...it's all I know.
It is so interesting to me to watch the pieces of my life unfold and start to come together. It is amazing to sand back and watch...and then realize that it is my life...the facets of my existence that I am so fascinated with...
So. Who would have guessed? Not me...but I like it.
I was talking on the phone with my Grandma when another call came in from Tucson. I was perplexed, because my Grandma has been the only person to call me from Tucson in years and years. I listened to the voicemail, and it was my Mom. Never would have guessed that...
I called her back. I started to tell her about my brother and whatnot, and she stopped me. She said she needed to apologize. She had found a letter that I had written to her in 2000, and she said that I was totally right, and she was sorry. I have no idea what that letter said...she told me she would show it to me when I stop by to visit her in a few weeks. Yes, I decided to visit her--I was planning on it even before she called.
For those of you who may not know the back story, my Mom and I have never really gotten along. my parents divorced when I was 7 or 8, and my Mom left the state shortly after the divorce was final (I think). Nonetheless, she was pretty nonexistent in my childhood, and while growing up. We rarely talked, rarely visited. When I was younger, I was mad at and resentful towards her. I gave up trying to have a relationship with her because she was caught in a battle between drugs and alcohol. They both won for quite some time.
My Mom missed all those great things mothers and daughters are supposed to do together. She paid no attention to prom, my high school graduation...my wedding. But I was most angry with her when she promised my younger brother she would be there for his graduation...and then she didn't show. She screened my calls when I was trying to find her to talk to her about the wedding, but that didn't matter as much as the sorrow in my brother's eyes when he realized she wasn't coming for his big day.
The last time we spoke was about a month after the wedding. I handed her some pictures from the wedding, and told her I was going back to spend time with Grandma. She made some comment about how I put on weight....which of course made me feel wonderful. And that was our last exchange, until tonight.
I never hated my Mom, and I haven't even really been angry with her in a long time. Someone told me several years ago that sometime you just have to accept things the way they are instead of longing for how they "should" be. That little mantra has helped me so much. It helped me realize that my Mom and I would never have a typical relationship...and that is OK. We have our relationship, however dysfunctional it is.
Long ago I accepted that she loved me because I was her daughter, and I loved her because she was my mother. But I constantly longed for her to tell me that she was proud of me. I spent my life working so hard--focused so much on achievement and accomplishments...that I just wanted to know that she saw that.
Tonight...she said she was proud of me. Through divorce, work, school, everything--she said that she was proud of how hard I have worked. I am not sure I have ever heard my Mom say she was proud of me...
It's not perfect...but what is? I am going to see her new house and meet her husband while I am in Tucson. It won't be perfect, but I don't care...it's all I know.
It is so interesting to me to watch the pieces of my life unfold and start to come together. It is amazing to sand back and watch...and then realize that it is my life...the facets of my existence that I am so fascinated with...
So. Who would have guessed? Not me...but I like it.
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