Goodbyes

I am tired of Goodbyes.
Ever see that episode of M*A*S*H?
I am BJ Honeycut.
I don't want to say Goodbye...
Because I don't want us to have to part.

I have had too many of these partings lately.
Heartbreaking, heart wrenching moments.
I am not sure how many more of them I can stand.

Some have been Goodbye in this life,
Others just for now...
Still more that are not spoken,
But felt within the soul.

My heart remains heavy...
As I watch you leave.
I won't cry on the outside,
But please know my soul is soaked
With the salty tears of our Goodbye.

I will be there for you.
This is just Goodbye for now.
If you ever need a friend to walk beside you for a spell,
Or someone to help you stand,
I'll be here...
With an outstretched hand.

Thank you for what you have been to me here,
A huge support, a pillar;
A sense of joy,
Of positivity.
The best friend anyone could ask for.

Be safe.
Be fearless.
Be yourself.
Your friend I will always be.

Matters of the Heart

Only matters of the heart
Stop me in my tracks.

I have never been here before,
I have never felt this lost.

But I have never felt so alive,
Never felt so free.

These matters, so confusing,
Taunt me, twist me.

These matters, so uplifting,
Caress me, cradle me.

These thoughts are not perfection
And it's nice to know you don't think so either.

I am not perfection,
And I hope you don't think so either.

But these matters of the heart,
Draw me closer to you.

They bind me to you,
Little by little...yard by yard.

They make me wish I could be beside you,
And you beside me.

That we could share a perfect harmony,
Despite our imperfections.

All these matters....
Pull me apart sometimes.

Because all that matters,
Is how much love remains.

A Mandolin Tune

I imagine your fingers on my skin

As though you were playing your mandolin.

The music would be,

A kiss from me,

And hopefully a little harmony.

I'd sigh as your fingers brushed my lips,

And laugh as they rushed across my hips.

As you run your fingers through my hair,

I'd kiss you without a single care--

As if the world were never there.

Your fingertips could coax out of me
A tune sung so sweetly,
A song only for you--
A secret between us two...
A joy known only by a few.

When you've played your tune,
Lock me up in your room.
Keep me tight in the case of your arms,
Safe from all the world's harms
And enamored with all of your charms.

We'll play one tune, maybe two--
Who knows when they will be through.
But we'll go on each day,
And continue to play,
So long as we are in tune.

In Process

It has been a while since I have posted, so I thought I would take a moment for a quick update. I have several blogs in process--but they will have to remain that way for a while...

Life is crazy, wonderful, hectic, confusing--all as usual. But it is going very well at the moment...I am very fortunate to be surrounded by wonderful friends and family, and each day is a reminder of how lucky I am.

The fall has moved in...and the cold as well. It is always this time of year that I forget how cold I can feel...how cold the weather can really be. But yesterday as I was driving to work...I had a wonderful thought...

...last winter.

I have decided to move to California in the spring, and so this should (in theory) be my last winter in Colorado--at least for the time being. I am both very much looking forward to not having another winter like this...but also feeling sad about leaving...

Colorado has been my home for so long...it is hard some days to imagine leaving. But then in true Colorado style...it gets so freaking cold I think my vital fluids are going to freeze. Then thinking of leaving is WAY easier...

So, non-poetic update. Not super exciting....yet.

Truly?

Someday You Will Be Loved
By Death Cab for Cutie

I once knew a girl,
In the years of my youth
With eyes like the summer
All beauty and truth.
In the morning I fled,
Left a note and it read:
"Someday you will be loved."

I cannot pretend that I felt any regret,
'Cause each broken heart will eventually mend.
As the blood runs red down the needle and thread,
Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved, you'll be loved,
Like you never have known.
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams.
Just a series of blurs,
Like I never occurred.
Someday you will be loved.

You may feel alone when you're falling asleep,
And every time tears roll down your cheeks,
But I know your heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet.
Someday you will be loved.

You'll be loved, you'll be loved,
Like you never have known.
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams.
Just a series of blurs,
Like I never occurred.
Someday you will be loved.

You'll be loved, you'll be loved,
Like you never have known.
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams.
Just a series of blurs,
Like I never occurred.
Someday you will be loved.
Someday you will be loved.
_______________________________________

Do you ever wish that songs were promises? That there were some sort of guarantee? That singing along would be worth something?

That's how I feel about this song. It seems like a promise...but is it an empty promise?

Someday will I really be loved? And will all the memories holding me back really become a series of blurs?

Does my heart belong to someone I have yet to meet?

So many questions...so few answers.

Nonetheless, I do hope that someday I will be loved...the way I need to be loved, the way I long to be loved. I know I had love...but somehow it all fell apart...it disintegrated, like sand blown away right under my feet...

And every time I really thought that I had found it...I was wrong. So how will I know?

I thought I was ready for love now...but I am not so sure right now...maybe I am and I just don't know it. Maybe I'm not. I am just going to roll with the punches...and see where that gets me.

And don't worry...someday you will be loved too. Just remember to sing along...

Happy Birthday

Tomorrow is your birthday,
And I don't know what to say.
For months now we've been apart,
Healing the broken shards of our hearts.
I don't know if I should call--
If you would want to hear from me at all.
I sent you a card with happy wishes...
Maybe you already have someone to share your kisses...
So as you celebrate without me,
(As it needs to be)
Alone for the first time in 8 years,
I pray you shed no tears,
That you get all your favorite toys,
And are filled with unlimited joys.
I pray that if you think of me,
That you will remember our time fondly,
That no hatred against me you'll hold.
Because as you've been told,
I never meant to cause you pain,
And I hope this was for mutual gain.

So Happy Birthday to you,
May you find in your heart what's true.
And remember this is what I had to do,
Not everything is about you.
But still, Happy Birthday to you.

Asses

I see the world through rose-colored glasses,
I prefer to walk against the masses,
'Cause they're slower than molasses
And half-full of asses.

But in my rose-colored glasses,
I see much greener grasses.
And as time passes
I see life like a set of classes.
It's time to take out all my stashes
And as the picture flashes,
All my checks life cashes
As I breathe all the poisonous gases...

I see the world through rose-colored glasses
With much greener grasses.
And I'll bat my eyelashes
In front of all of the masses,
Wait as the world mashes
And totally rehashes
All my deep gashes...

No matter how hard the world bashes
I'll see it all through rose-colored glasses
And I'll dwell on greener grasses.

100

Wow...this is my 100th post. Not my 100th blog entry, but the 100th that I have posted. There are a few waiting to be finshed, waiting for the right time...but this is the 100th one to make it out into the world.

I started this blog a year and a month ago. It was meant to be a venue for me to start to rediscover myself...I never knew how far that journey would take me...

When I started this blog, I never would have guessed that I would be here now. As my Grandpa would say, "it has taken many rocks to form my road"...but I am thankful for each one, because each has lead me to where I am today. And I am pretty OK with where I am at now.

Some things still need to change....for sure. But I am moving in the right direction....slowly, but steadily.

So in honor of today's 100th post, here are 100 things about me...because this blog is all about me.

I am a lactosucrovegetard.
My favorite color is purple...
With orange as a close second.
I have 2 beautiful children...who happen to have 4 legs and fur.
I hope someday to be a lyricist.
I like to hula hoop....
And yes, I own a hula hoop.
I love woodworking.
I heart Star Wars....
And I can kick your ass at old school PS1 Masters of Teras Kasi.
I have a wonderful marble collection,
As well as a swizzle stick collection both from around the world.
I love to write (of course) and hope to publish books someday.
I love what I do--sewing and patterning are so enjoyable to me.
I am claustrophobic.
I used to dye my hair blonde...super blonde. (Brunettes totally have more fun.)
I find Robot Chicken hilarious.
I really enjoy watching anime...like Naruto, Spirited Away, Princess Mononoke...
When I was a child, I wanted to be: a doctor, veterinarian, architect, painter...
Now I just want to be happy.
I once lived in the town with the world's oldest continuous rodeo.
My first job was in a library....I restocked books.
I feel guilty for wanting a leather jacket and leather motorcycle boots.
I am an insomniac (in case you haven't noticed).
I hate listening to voicemails.
My car is the best car ever. 35+ mpg. Up to 55 mpg.
I am a texting maniac...love it.
I want to learn to play the guitar....
And the ukulele.
I am the tetris queen...for packing and loading the dishwasher.
I am slightly addicted to FaceBook...
And chewing gum...
And shoes...
And huevos rancheros with green chile.
I love the beach,
And collecting sea shells on the beach.
My Grandma is one of my best friends in the world.
I have built a computer.
I can take apart a remote control...
And I can put it back together.
I can change the oil in my car.
I have broken my collarbone,
And my nose...
And my good friend's nose. (She'll forgive me someday...)
I got a 4.0 in high school.
In 3rd grade, I told my Dad they had spelled my middle name wrong.
So for about a year, I spelled my middle name "Marrie."
I am best friends with lyrics.com. I cannot stand not knowing the right lyrics to a song.

I am super proud of the scar from my wrist surgery...it is a battle wound.

I love scars in general.

Telling scar stories is one of my favorite past times.

I used to be in band,

I played the flute.

I quit because I never learned to read music.

I also used to be in choir...

Quit because I almost fell off the bleachers at a concert.

I just went to my first concert ever this month...and loved it.

I love rock climbing...

And spelunking....

Without ropes or harnesses.

I love the desert,

Not the biggest fan of snow....especially driving in it.

I love mountain driving...

I love driving in general.

In high school I used to drive to Chugwater, Wyoming for fun. Then turn around and come home.

I can sew both left-handed and right-handed.

I have 6 nieces and one nephew.

My family--all of it--is the best in the world.

I am extremely blessed with amazing friends. Like ridiculously blessed.

In addition to this blog, I have a series of journals. I am writing in 3 at this point in time.

My first word was "no." I still don't pay attention to it. ;-)

I can toast the perfect campfire marshmallow. Sheer perfection.

My eyes are blue with a small dot of brown under the iris.

I have a blinking problem. Seriously, I forget to blink.

So I can beat you at a staring contest...any day.

I am really good at thumb war. Really good...

Because I have double-jointed thumbs.

Growing up I used to have a pet monkey....Peanut...

And a pet pig....Hamlet.....

And pet ducks...Huey, Dewey, and Louie.

Yes, my children are named after video game characters...

Because yes, I love video games.

I have three pen pals...all under the age of 14.

I strongly believe in the handwritten word...

But can't remember the last handwritten letter I got....I miss those.

I love to write letters. If you want one...send me your address. I will send you one.

I always wonder what other people see. Always.

My mind is almost always racing. It is hardly ever quiet in here.

I can take something apart in my head--see the insides. It's like x-ray vision. ;-)

I didn't really wear makeup until I was around 19.

I love wearing heels.

I love the sound of my heels on the ground...click...click...click...

Tulips are my favorite flower...because of Cedric.

I do not regret getting married.

I regret not listening more carefully to the advice I received before getting married.

I do not regret getting divorced.

I regret the loss we have both endured.

I believe in rolling with the punches, and moving forward.

I still believe in love. I know it's out there waiting for me.
And I will never give up hope on that.

100 things...for 100 posts.

Thank you for caring enough to read about my journey. I appreciate those of you who read this, it means more to me than you know.

Thank you. Love to you.

There's a boy...

There's a boy,
Who held my heart for years.
He promised me the moon,
But only gave me tears.
We had some laughs and fun,
As well as plenty of happy days,
But now it's all over and done
In oh so many ways.
He held my hand,
And grasped it tight--
But only to help him stand,
Which left me alone to fight.
He fell in love with my looks--
The least part of me--
He forgot I read books,
And how thoughtful I like to be.
He gave me a ring
And promised he'd always care for me.
But a ring doesn't mean a thing,
If your heart he doesn't care to see.
One day he made me his wife,
A day full of love and joy.
But through the course of life,
And being treated like a toy--
Inside my heart began to ache

When he stopped caring to find

What was best for my sake.

So my heart I had to unbind,

Decide it was finally time

To take my heart in my hand,

Remember it was truly mine

And alone, learn to stand.

There's a boy,

Who took me by surprise.

We were just friends,

Those were our ties.

But that came to an end

With all the butterflies

And kisses he did lend.

I saw myself through his eyes--

I was kind and caring and lovely--

This caricature I did not despise.

Here I saw who I wanted to be--

Reflected in his touch,

Shining by his side,

Every moment I loved so much.

Until a piece of me died,

When he said he was going away,

For months on the other side of the sea.

What I thought...I never did say,

He needed a chance just to be.

So for months and weeks

He was far and separate from me.

I was left hoping my love he would seek,

That "us" he would finally see.

While away in his distant land,

He chose to light an old flame.

He chose to hold her hand,

And whisper her name...

Leaving me alone in the dark,

Not telling me the desires of his heart.

While on his adventure he embarked,

He let me drift away, further apart.

The day I said I was done,

He told me he was not...

He remembered all our fun,

And the adventures that we sought.

He said he wasn't ready--

That he saw what was there,

And he couldn't promise to be steady,

But he wanted "us" to be here.

I gave him another chance,

Letting him keep his place in my heart,

Because I knew it was more than happenstance...

I also did not want us to part.

When finally he held me in his arms,

And gave my lips another kiss,

I fell again for all his charms,

Because each one I did miss.

But it would all change after one night--

All my hopes, his misread signs,

It felt so right,

But was so wrong this time.

I would forsake every ounce of romance,

I would rescind every kiss,

Redo this dance....

If his friendship I wouldn't have to miss.

There's a boy,

Who always gives me a smile--

Who sees me and is full of joy.

I hope he stays a while...

With my heart he's taken special care,

With the gentlest touch he's reached out

To let me know he wants to always be there...

But I always have my doubts.

All my words he reads on his own--

He's not afraid of my thoughts...

He cares to know each seed I've sown,

Even when deep inside I am caught--

Lost inside my own maze,

He still reaches out his hand

And in oh so many small ways,

Lets me know he wants to help me stand

If I ever fear I'll fall.

And as my heart heals,

He's still there if I call,

No matter what my heart feels.

There's a boy,

To whom I am meant to be tied.

He won't mind eating soy,

He will never have lied--

At least to me or my heart.

He'll take me to the airport,

While around the world I go--

My every move he will support.

And his love he will always show.

He'll smile when I say "No meat."

And respond with "No cheese."

He won't mind that I'm not very neat,

And that I hate skis...

He'll join me as I climb rocks,

And laugh at my argyle socks.

My cats he'll call his children,

My bed he'll take the other side.

To every piece of him he'll let me in--

He'll keep trying--despite having tried--

To love me more every day,

To kiss me with a little more love,

To care for me in every way...

And he will succeed--go beyond and above.

Every night he'll tuck me in tight,

Hold me so very near

And tell me "I love you dear."

In my bed he'll tangle with me,

Wrap his arms around my waist

Let us in the silence be,

And not consider it a waste.

There's a boy

Who will hold me tight--

But not to suffocate,

But just right.
In every way he'll be my perfect mate.
One day he will ask me for my hand,
And say, "I will always help you stand.
You might not always need me,
But forever by your side I will be."
He'll take my hand in his own,
And say I'm the best girl he's ever known.
He's out there, looking for me.
Fighting for a chance for us to be.

Just how much...

You have no idea how much this hurts sometimes.
It was never a game to me, it was always all that I had to give.
I don't know if you ever felt the same.
To think that maybe it was all fake,
That it was all just a game...
Something to get you by...
Is more painful that I can explain.

I think I need to run,
I really need to fly...
Far far away from this...
Far away form these feelings
That will not let me be.
I am angry,
I am wounded,
I am bleeding.

And I don't think it matters.
I don't think you will ever know...
Just how much this hurts sometimes.