Sunday, February 28, 2010

I Stood Beside the Ocean

Sunset at Venice Beach

I love so much about the beach...most of all is sunsets though. I have always loved sunsets, I find them fascinating. I think that one of the coolest parts about sunsets is that no two people see the exact same one. Even two people standing next to each other...the light is slightly different, or they could be focusing on two completely different parts...

Somehow...someone or something has to be some master painter creating all of this just for us to see. Amazing, right?

Learning how to live....

There are days,
I can't believe that you're not here...
That you're not by my side,
Walking hand in hand,
Stride for stride beside me.

There are moments,
I wonder where you are,
What you are doing...
And if you ever think of me
with anything greater than hatred.
There are small moments,
Where I wish I knew
You didn't hate me.

There are small moments,
Where I still feel
Like I hate you.

I walk and run,
No hand in mine,
Taking life's strides
As I please.
I laugh and love,
Walk along the beach,
Watch each sunset
All alone.

I realized...
That I would rather be alone.
Than be with you.

I realized...
That I am so happy now...
I am so content.
My life is so fulfilled.

I never could have gotten here with you.

These steps,
This path,
Has been mine alone.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

A Girl Scout is Always Prepared...


So, after a fun day shopping--we get to within a mile of Scott and Vanessa's...and the car overheats EXTREMELY...and we have to pull over to try and fix it. Turns out, there was no oil and no coolant. Don't worry people...we have it under control...as long as my Dad is still on the phone.

While the ordeal was stressful and but a slight damper on our evening, all in all I was thankful for the experience. It was a nice reminder that no matter what happens--there's a way out of it--there's always some way to fix it...and you can have fun doing it!

In case you were wondering--we did make it to the apartment ok.
Ok, that is...until I locked the key in the car.

It's all gravy in the end anyway....right?? ;-)

Friday, February 26, 2010

Vindicated....again...

I got to spend today on Huntington beach with Scott, Emmy, and Brittney. It was absolutely wonderful...and gorgeous.

Being back on this beach reminded me how I felt this summer...all my feelings of freedom and hope. I am still vindicated...I am still flawed--but I am still cleaning up so well--seeing in me now the things I never saw before...



Thursday, February 25, 2010

With the Girls

Finally on our way to LA!! We are all so excited to have the chance to get away for a weekend!

I am especially glad to be able to get away...to take a brief respite. There is so much going on, that having the chance to be completely away from home...is so very welcome.

Here's to more adventures--and more laughs with friends!!

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Packing

This is Kairi's favorite thing to do when I pack...try and get into the suitcase to either 1) come with me or 2) just make me feel guilty. Of course, I always feel guilty when I have to leave her and her brother behind.

I am so excited for this trip...I really have no idea what it is going to hold. I really think I want to move to CA, but I want to make sure before I make the big trip out there...

So, with minimal luggage in hand....it's time for an adventure!!

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Hope Springs Eternal


Don't forget to stop and smell the roses...
They blossom and die all too quickly.

Monday, February 22, 2010

Friends

A bored game?
Nope.
A wonderful board game,
A nice evening,
With great friends.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

These Hands


These two hands are all I've got.
I can sculpt and build,
Draw, cradle, create and hold.
I can tie knots and bows,
Snap, button and sew.

But some days,
I can't do any of these things.
Some days, it's difficult to move both hands...
And all I have is one.

There are days the frustration builds,
And my hopes are dim...
That I am afraid.
Afraid to lose all I know.

Separate...
My heart and soul
From my hands.
Impossible.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Friends to count on...

Smiles all around!

I am so fortunate to have stumbled upon such amazing people in my life. I can't believe that a year ago, I was so alone.

I am so very thankful for my friends...who tolerate my crazy, and make me feel loved....

You all are the best!! Thank you!

Friday, February 19, 2010

Moments passed


Have you ever felt a moment you know is already gone?
Have you ever watched love fall like leaves from an autumn tree?
Have you ever started moving forward, knowing what you've left behind?
Have you ever felt a broken heart besides your own?

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Fresh Snow


I am not a big fan of the snow...those who know me already know that. But here I am, in a place where it falls regularly.

There are days that the cold of the snow seems to chill my soul, and brings me down. The ice creeps into the crevices of my being, sharp and numbing. But then there are moments that the snow is relaxing...then it separates me from the world, and creates for me a safe haven from everyone else. A quiet world, just for me and my thoughts.

These footprints made me think of Cedric, and how much he loved the snow. He used to walk out into the freshly fallen snow, take a few slow steps, and then bulldoze his way around the yard.

The snow is both so cold...and so heartwarming...

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

In this Prison...


Here I am, again. The Dr. told me I need to wear my brace at night, and the other one I has hurts...so this one it is. It's actually the splint that I wore post-surgery for 3 LONG weeks. At least back then I had cute cut-up fishnets to but over it...

This is a tough place to be in right now. Wanting so badly to have come so far, only to feel right back where I was years ago. Being back in this tiny prison, even if only overnight, brings back all the feelings of feeling inadequate...of failing...of losing. It's so difficult to stay positive when there's consistent pain, and you can't do what you want to do--what you love to do.

But I will trust that there are bigger--better plans. that somehow this is all part of some scheme to make my life better. I choose hope.

Unfinished...

Even as we turn to part,
You take with you a piece of my heart


Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Love Needs Room to Breathe

I know you all thought I had already messed up my pic a day...but NO!! I have been taking pictures, I have just been having problems with my external hard drive.

So, today's pic...I like it because I feel it's at least a glimpse into part of what is to come. The camera bag and Pentax camera are my Dad's...it's the same camera he used when he lived overseas. The Holga was a birthday gift from some of my friends, and I am super excited to experiment with it!

This picture is a nice reminder that no matter what rolls my way, I can take it in stride.i can roll with the punches and I will succeed.

It's going to be a great year...I can already feel it.

I Forgive You

I wonder if you even know what today means.

I wonder if it holds any significance to you at all....

.....because it does for me.

It was one year ago today, in these early hours of the morning that my life changed completely, and not of my own volition....but because of your decision.

I hear that you are still tearing yourself up about the whole thing...but last we talked you saw nothing wrong with what you did...even though the day after you were the one to admit what happened and that it was wrong.

Was it because I was your wife? Was it because it didn't matter? Was it because I was drunk? Was it because you didn't respect/love/trust me?

Whatever your answers, it doesn't matter. What you did was wrong, and until you can admit that--you will never be able to move on.

I still fight against the demons that were created that night. I still battle the emotions--the fear that was created deep in my heart and soul that night. I still know I did the right thing, because I can never let you touch me again.

I know what you did was wrong. You know what you did was wrong.

But I forgive you.

I will still battle, I will still be bound up in pain and fear sometimes.

But I choose hope and love over regret and fear.

I choose to forgive you, and move on with my own life.

I hope you choose the same.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Grace Needs A Little More Freedom


I know you can't really tell what this picture is, but I know what it is and that's what matters.

This is a picture of the night sky after I visited with some of my loved ones--some that I have not been able to see for a very long time, and I am not sure when I will get to see them again.

I knew that this is exactly what I wanted my picture for today to be...devoid of color, emotion, life. If you read my other post for today, you can start to understand.

There are days I still feel very much like this night sky...dark, empty, lost, alone. But then I remember, there are the stars, the moon, the sun, the planets...and although they may only be old light to us, they are very real in this universe.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Valentine's Day

This picture is just kind of silly. I made Valentines this year, and this is the logo...I hope to actually market them before next year .

This Valentine's Day was pretty difficult...it was my first being single since I was about 15 I think. But I got to spend it with someone I love, so that was wonderful.

I am still learning what this path is like...I have never walked it before. I don't know what this is like...I never thought that I would be here. I always thought that there would be one love of my life, and that we would live happily ever after. I am still learning what it means to have lost, and what it is to try again.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Birthday Party!

Sophie and I had our annual awesome birthday bash--and this year was bigger and better than last year!! It was so much fun!

I like this picture because of how good of friends Emmy and I have become. I feel like we kind of stumbled upon our friendship, and now I find it so invaluable!! I was so happy to get to spend so much of my birthday celebration with Emmy, and with all my friends that I so dearly love!!

Friday, February 12, 2010

Really?

So...I think that this pic is a total bust. I think that I accidentally took my real photos of the day using the film camera...so this is all I had for today on the digital.

But I like this photo because I know that in months to come it will bring me pleasant memories of my first apartment on my own. This place will always hold a special place in my heart...for so many reasons. I am actually not looking forward to leaving....despite all the water trouble and maintenance issues it has had.

This place is mine....these 4 walls and everything inside is mine. I have my home here, and I will be very sad to say goodbye....

Found it!


So, here is the real pic for today!! It was lost in another folder...

Oh my how I love this picture!!! My two beautiful, wonderful children...sharing love!

I enjoy this picture because it reminds me that I always have someone to come home to, that I will never be lonely. I share my space and my place with my two lovely children, who in turn share endless love with me. Which makes me love them all the more completely...

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Last First Opening Night....



Here is my shop! Well, at least it's my shop for a couple more months. This is the view looking in from the Toxic Garden on opening night for The Country Wife.

I walked out of the shop, looked back over my shoulder, and realized what I was walking away from. I paused, and decided to pull out my camera to catch some shots of what I saw...I just wish I could have caught what I was feeling.

This show was huge...definitely one of the biggest shows I have worked on at CU...and here it was, open. I couldn't help but to wonder if this was the last big show for me here...and all of a sudden I got very nostalgic. The terrible lighting, odd tables heights, messy messy room....it is all I know and love.

I have organized and re-organized this room a thousand times. I know where everything is--all the hiding places, all the keys, all the secrets. I know how everything works and I am pretty sure that I have fixed every single machine in that room...even the computers. And now, it is almost time to walk away.

It's very surreal...to think about leaving. but it will be time soon enough. I will tread a new path...where, I don't know. With whom...I have even less of a clue.


Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Texas


...and Nevada. Texas is the big bag in the foreground, and Nevada is in the background. What can I say? I like being able to carry everything together!!

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Sunny days...


Today was a long work day, a double at the opera. But we had a couple hours in between, so my friend Sharon and I decided to venture out. Sharon treated me to lunch at The Market (delicious), and then we did some window shopping. The first picture is from this quaint little wine shop we wandered into. The woman was extremely nice, and her dog was so relaxed, she may as well have been a rug!! She barely looked up as we stepped over her, but she looked as comfortable as she could be.

The second picture is just outside one of the stores we wandered into. I thought that the sky was such a beautiful shade of blue, and I enjoyed the juxtaposition of the unlit lights against the buildings in the background.

I like these pictures because they will always remind me of the day Sharon and I got to wander around together and spend time chatting and really catching up as opposed to just working. The day was gorgeous, and filled with interesting people and places.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Princess Kai Kai


She is quite the pretty picture, isn't she?? This is my little girl, Kairi. She loves lounging around all over the house, and this time I caught her!! In the foreground is my new stationary--so pretty! And in the background you can see my Dad's old Pentax film camera that he is letting me borrow.

I like this picture because it not only has my beautiful baby girl in it, but also I just get the feeling that I want to curl up right in the corner there....and sleep.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Project 365


I have a few friends who have started this thing called "Project 365." It's where you take one picture a day for an entire year. And so, I have decided that this is what I would like to do in my blog for the next year. I am hoping that I will still have other entries, but this is not necessarily a requirement. I decided that I would start on my birthday! I figured that was an easy way to keep track of the one year mark...

So, this picture is Sophie and I in Target. In an attempt to cheer me up, Sophie had bought us funny hats at our previous stop at Michael's. (Which, this did indeed totally cheer me up
!!!) And in an awesome twist of fate, we found amazing sunglasses that matched our hats!! So, photo shoot ensued. :-)

I like this picture because it is silly and fun, and it reminds me that even the saddest of moments do pass....those feelings don't last forever.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Wrong Love

I had this thought today.

It's kind of awful, I think...but it makes sense.

Here it is:

I love all the wrong things.

Part of this stems from having to return to the doctor for my old wrist injury, and part of this comes from thinking about my love life.

After all was said and done with the doctor today, she told me I couldn't knit, crochet, play guitar or ukulele, rock climb and that I needed to limit my sewing. Basically, take everything I love away. She said a couple times "your job is an issue," seemingly hinting that I should start considering other ways of making a living because my wrist would not withstand this work life.

Stop doing what you were made to do, what you love to do....just stop, drop it right now.
It's not as easy as it sounds.

When do I get some semblance of order? Some tangible remnant of what used to be mine?

Instead, I am left with empty hands, and a weary, dreary, sad heart. Small, empty hands....

In my love life....I love that which is destructive, imperfect, angry and that which break my heart the most. I love that which hurts me, tries me, deserts me and lies to me. That which is unhealthy, unbalanced and undecided.

I fall in love with all the wrongs things....and people.

If only I could fall out of love just as easily...and gracefully....