I miss this feeling.
Of sitting beside the ocean.
Of having not a worry.
Not a care.
At least none that are worth thinking of.
I miss the feeling of the sand on my back,
And between my toes.
I miss the feeling of the salty air,
The warm ocean breeze.
I miss the taste of the air on my lips,
And the softness of the air
As it rests on my cheeks.
I miss the sun warming my skin,
Down to my bones,
And the sound of the waves
Crashing on the beach.
Most of all,
I miss the love I felt...
From the world,
The sand, the earth,
The water, the sun,
The stars, the moon...
I miss the feeling of being new,
Of being able to start over....
Of not having to look over my shoulder.
It was nice to forget,
To lose sight of my ghosts,
To not be haunted
And tortured by them daily.
Soon, I will miss the mountains.
And my family.
But I will not miss the ghosts.
...I wish I had not learned to love again.
There are moments I wish I still had no feelings, and was still trapped inside my stone-cold heart.
Today is one of those days.
And this is one of those moments.
It is odd...today.
It's my first major holiday as a vegetarian--but that's not why it's odd, of course.
It's odd because there is no driving around from city to city...no balancing act, no facade. Just the smiles of loved ones and friends, the smell of delicious food....and freedom.
It is odd to feel like I am missing out on seeing more than half of my "family." For years I have spent holidays with them...celebrated life and overcoming obstacles....and now we have little to no contact. It sure is different.
This is the first of many, I am sure. And it's ok. It's kind of nostalgic actually....like being a kid again a little bit.
That doesn't make it any less odd though.
Nonetheless, Happy Thanksgiving. I have much to be thankful for--friends, family, health, my children. Truly a day to be filled with thanks!
What is it,
About me....
That frightens people...
That puts pressure on people...
That makes them feel judged,
Like they have to change,
Like they are not good enough?
All I want is you.
You as you are,
As you like to be.
If it doesn't work...
Then it doesn't.
But I never want
For you to be something
You are not.
I never want you to
Be in fear,
To be so unsure.
But if it's not worth the risk...
If you are not sure
If it's worth the risk--
Then it's not.
And let's not.
I can already feel
My heart breaking.
Again.
It doesn't hurt any less.
Countless nights now.
I thought they were through.
I remember counting down,
The last of the alone nights...
And feeling so excited,
So completely elated.
It's colder now...
In these new rooms.
I am glad they are new...
I could never stay
In the old ones.
As I sit alone...
I wonder where you sit.
If you are also alone.
But it doesn't matter.
My heart aches...
For what was lost.
For how it was broken.
Even after I loved again,
It broke once more.
I forgot...
This is why I
Find relationships.
I am more at ease
Caring for someone else
Than I am
When caring for myself.
It is so quiet...
In these new rooms.
So very very quiet.
I don't mind it mostly.
But nights like tonight,
I really do.
I wish someone were here,
To listen about my day.
To comfort me as I recover.
For me to make dinner for...
Yeah, that's a new one.
I wish someone were here,
To share my space,
To hold me tight.
For me to care for...
And for me to hold onto...
It's not the same...
No one wants to hear
All about my day.
No one wants to hold
Me tight and dear.
But I couldn't stay
Where we were.
We couldn't stay
Where we were.
It was not right for
Either of us.
As much as it hurts now,
And as cold and quiet
As is it now...
I know it will be
Better...
For us both.
I only know it's true...
Because I know
That it's already better.
Despite the cold,
Even with the quiet...
Including each night
I spend alone...
I know it's better...
For you...
And for me.
What went wrong?
I ask myself that all the time...about so many things...
But tonight it's about our love....and our marriage. I found myself tonight caught up in browsing through our old photos...and in many of them I find myself wondering who that woman with you is...then I realize it's me.
It feels like a different life. Like a completely different person, someone I don't know.
It was one year four days ago that I left for the first time. You had told me that you never believed that I would stay...that you never believed my marriage vows to you. I was heartbroken. We were already on rocky ground...I had been telling you for months. Then you also admitted that you felt you could never be yourself around me...that you were always walking on eggshells.
Sometimes I am just completely baffled at how I ended up here...alone. Nights like these, when I walk in the door...and it's just the cats welcoming me. Nights I spend in complete silence...except for the hum of the heater and my occasional guitar strumming...if only it were just as quiet inside my head.
As I look through our pictures...I wonder when exactly it was over. I wonder when it was over for you...and for me. I knew more than a year ago that it was done....when did you know?
I hate that we can't be friends. I tried...you shot me down. But I guess it's better...for someone anyway.
I do get mad...that it's over sometimes. This is not what I had intended....and I know I did not fail alone. I get angry...
I have been ill...and tonight I was visiting my parents and Grandma. Grandma, of course was fussing over me, and I told her, "Don't worry, I've been sick before."
My Dad replied, "Not single."
Those simple words reverberated through my ribcage like a gunshot. It's difficult enough to come home to be alone...to not have someone to hold on to or hold you...to not have someone you can talk to all about your day every day...but then to be reminded of it...kicked while you're already down.
Frankly, it's not easy for me to be single. I see myself much more clearly reflected in the eyes of another...trouble is...in these pictures, I already knew I didn't like the reflection I saw.
What makes it most difficult, is once I found a reflection I liked...it was taken from me.
In these pictures...we looked happy--and sometimes we were. Sometimes I was happy. But no one knew we were on the brink of divorce. Oh...what a facade...
So what went wrong? So many things.
And I am still reeling. Still alone in so many ways. Still angry with you for so many things. And I know you don't care.
I guess that's the last thing that's wrong.
Bend and Not Break
Dashboard Confessional
I catalog these steps now--
Decisive and intentioned,
Precise and patterned specifically to yours.
I'm talented at breathing,
Especially exhaling,
So that my chest will rise and fall with yours.
I'm careful not to wake you,
Fearing conversation.
It's better just to hold you,
And keep you pacified.
I'm talented with reason,
I cover all the angles.
I can fail before I ever try.
Try to understand there's an old mistake that fools will make,
And I'm the king of them, pushing everything that's good away.
Won't you hold me now (I will not bend, I will not break)
Won't you hold me now (I will not bend, I will not break)
I am fairly agile,
I can bend and not break.
Or I can break and take it with a smile.
And I am so resilient,
I recover quickly.
I'll convince you soon that I am fine.
Try to understand there's an old mistake that fools will make,
And I'm the king of them, pushing everything that's good away.
Won't you hold me now (I will not bend, I will not break)
Won't you hold me now (For you I rise, for you I fall)
Just hold me close to you, just hold me close to you.
Just hold me close to you, just hold me close to you.
Try to understand there's an old mistake that fools will make,
And I'm the king of them, pushing everything that's good away.
So won't you hold me now?
Won't you hold me now?
Now, now, now, now.
______________________________________
This came on my ipod alarm this morning...I have heard it before, and keep thinking to write about it, but have been forgetting about it or have just been too busy. Nonetheless, here are my thoughts...
I understand this song very well...there is this feeling of wanting to do everything possible to please someone else, to do whatever it takes to be what they need...changing all you have to, just to be what someone else wants you to be. but then comes the distance...of pushing all that's good away, because it is out of your control.
I am talented with reason....I do cover every angle...and there are times I definitely fail before I even let myself try. I have been so ruled by logic, over-thought so many things, it's what I know best.
I can bend and not break--and i will recover quickly, convince you that I am fine--because that is what you will need me to be.
Today I discovered that my desire to help another person--to care for another person, is great than my desire to care for or help myself.
And that made me sad...because I want someone to feel the same way about me.
I can break and take it with a smile...it's one thing I am very good at. Extremely good at.
Someone won't hold me now...
I could be precise and patterned just to you....but can you return the favor?
I have heard this so often lately--and I have used it as well.
Isn't it reasonable?
What if I don't care if it is or not?
Maybe I want the most UNREASONABLE things in the world?
What if I do want the most impossible?
Is that a problem?
I don't think so.
...I miss it.
I get it.
Maybe it's the fever talking, but for the first time--I miss having someone to take care of me.
And it's not just that this would be a lot easier with someone bringing me endless cups of tea or running to the store to get soup...
....it's that bond I miss the most. Being so close with someone that you know they will care for you, even when you're at your worst. Being able to trust someone so completely that it doesn't matter that you can't give a thing--they want to give to you. That it doesn't matter the obstacles...they want to be there for you.
Having that bond...or maybe the illusion of that bond broken is traumatizing...still.
I constantly worry I will never find that bond again....that I will never be able to let someone in that close again. I tried...and failed.
How many times must I break 'til I shatter?
I am trying....to let people into the little crevices....to let them care for me. But it even took several hours to let my Dad come out and bring me a humidifier.
I seem strong....at least that is what I am told. But I definitely feel weak.
When will I be strong enough?
I try with my eye
To send sparkle your way.
I try with my hands
To hold yours tightly in mine.
I try with my smile
To make you smile as well.
I try with my laugh
To coax one out of you.
I try with a hug
To pull you close to me.
I try with my words
To tell you that I care.
I try with my actions
To show you that I care
I try with my heart
To let you in with me.
I try in my mind
To see how this will work.
I try with all I have
To make this work.
I try with every tear
To change what may be.
I try with every sigh
To make you ready
To be with me.
I try in every way...
And I feel like I am ready.
I try
Not to cry.
A little later on that year,
I told you that I loved you dear,
What do you know....
This you weren't prepared to hear.
Life Less Ordinary, Carbon Leaf
_____________________________
Ever been on both sides of the same coin?
We always ask,
"Why me?"
I just need to know,
"Why not me?"
I miss this feeling.
