I'm working on it...

I have had these thoughts lately, and I am not sure how to classify them. I am not sure if I should be happy with them or find them very depressing.

I have always been strongly independent...a no-brainer for those who know me. I have always liked to do things my own way, in my own time. I always thought that I never needed anyone--I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself.

Over the past couple months, there have been lots of incidents that have only reinforced those thoughts. I need my family--that is also a no-brainer, but I am talking about needing a significant other. I am afraid sometimes that I have become far too comfortable taking care of myself and relying only on myself that I do not know how--that I am incapable of relying on another person.

But when you are consistently disappointed, let down...feeling strewn aside or chosen last, it becomes more difficult to actually let yourself rely on another person. Trying to be "vulnerable" or "open" with other people when all you know is pain and failure in those situations....is not easy.

I have never had someone there to catch me every time I would fall. All too often I have been the one to pick myself up, dust myself off, and climb back on the horse all on my own...even though there was someone standing right there who should have been there helping me.

I know I can be whatever I need to be. I can be the best friend, girlfriend, nurturer, anything and everything you need. I know I can be the best...I can care for you better than you have ever been cared for--in any situation. It seems to be one thing that I do really well.

But I return to my thoughts from last week....who will take care of me? I am beginning to wonder if there is anyone out there who could withstand me. Someone who can care for me in the way that I care for them. Truly.

I thought that I had found that. Turns out I was wrong. And I still feel that failure...it is one that I will bear for a while I am sure.

I keep thinking...how do I balance this? Trying to learn to rely on other people, be open with people all the while I am thinking that I will be the one caring for myself because there won't be someone out there who can take care of me.

I have been chased after. I have chased after someone. Neither worked. I want to run with someone, walk with someone...not share the exact same path, but the same goals. Climb to the peak with someone...each of us on our roads less traveled.

I want a life less ordinary--a life extraordinary. But I also want someone who will follow me into the dark. I know my life is going to be extraordinary....I don't know if I will ever find someone to follow me into the dark...someone to share this life less ordinary with me.

Regardless, I am working on trying to let other people in. I am trying to learn to let myself rely on other people...on those close to me. I understand that they are not perfect, just like I am not perfect.

I am just so tired of feeling hurt and disappointed. I am sure I shouldn't take it personally...but it's hard not to.
____________________________________________

What about my dream?
What about.....

What about everything?
What about aeroplanes?
And what about ships that drank the sea?
What about...
What about the moon and stars?
What about soldier battle scars
And all the anger that they eat?
I am not in need.

Get away and come with me,
Come away with me and we'll see.
If I was right on that night, that a future was made...
Before time takes each year, like a knife cuts it clear.
It's school, then work and then life that just sharpens the blade.
I think about time for fun,
I think about time for play.
Then I think about being done, with no resume,
With no one left to blame.
What about fortune and fame?
What about your love to obtain?

What About Everything by Carbon Leaf