Last Night

I wish I had the time to perfectly capture this feeling...this moment...but I don't really. I have had several weeks of long hours at work (hence why my posting has been so short and irregular) and I have to be back at work at 9 tomorrow.

But...nonetheless, I am standing in my nearly empty apartment...wishing for just one more night. One more week....one more month...but I know it won't happen.

The kids are at my parents', our temporary abode until the big move to Cali...so this place doesn't really feel like a home anymore...not without them.

I want to stare at these walls forever...and remember each moment--each memory. Running through every square inch, chasing and laughing, dancing to my own music...crying for hours when nothing made sense.

It is so quiet...like it usually is. But it is also so isolated now...like it has been. The past few days I have been feeling like this was my cocoon...and I now have to shed that hard protective shell in order to become what it is I am to be. It's not easy--it is comfortable here--I am comfortable here. i am afraid to let go.

I don't want to forget...everything. I can still hear the laughter, the music, the tears, the silence of my life of the last year. I don't want to forget a single moment.

But time marches on, and so must I. I take a leap from here, and will hopefully land somewhere new that will provide new memories--new walls to hold my secrets.

I love this apartment, and I always will. Despite the water leaks, tiny washer and dryer, too full closet and lack of dining room--it's perfect. It has been exactly what I needed....a place to find my new self.

So, as I step out for the last time (in about an hour I think...there's still more cleaning to do), I leave behind my cocoon...the hard shell of me. I am afraid to spread my wings and fly...but I will anyway.

So much love lies here...I hope the new people feel it too.