For the first time...

...I miss it.

I get it.

Maybe it's the fever talking, but for the first time--I miss having someone to take care of me.

And it's not just that this would be a lot easier with someone bringing me endless cups of tea or running to the store to get soup...

....it's that bond I miss the most. Being so close with someone that you know they will care for you, even when you're at your worst. Being able to trust someone so completely that it doesn't matter that you can't give a thing--they want to give to you. That it doesn't matter the obstacles...they want to be there for you.

Having that bond...or maybe the illusion of that bond broken is traumatizing...still.

I constantly worry I will never find that bond again....that I will never be able to let someone in that close again. I tried...and failed.

How many times must I break 'til I shatter?

I am trying....to let people into the little crevices....to let them care for me. But it even took several hours to let my Dad come out and bring me a humidifier.

I seem strong....at least that is what I am told. But I definitely feel weak.

When will I be strong enough?