Beating your head against a wall covered in sandpaper...

Take a moment to imagine what that would feel like. Now imagine doing that for months and months on end. That is what I feel like right now.

It's difficult to know what the right answer is...which is the right choice. But sometimes you just have to follow your gut...and my gut tells me it's over. It is absolutely heartbreaking...heartwrenching. But some things you cannot change...

I have had some people ask what it is like...going through divorce. And I just tell them it's like feeling every emotion at the same time. Most of all I think are: failure, sadness, and relief. I kind of feel like I have been trying to give CPR to a person who died months ago. So there is a great sense of failure in that I was unable to keep something alive, sadness in the loss of something great, and relief because I can finally go about my own life. I am sure I will never forget the experience...

There is also a great sense of loneliness--well, I think it's more "aloneness" than loneliness. I do not long to have someone near-I just feel very alone. Some people try to give you advice based of off the brief glimpses they get into your relationship--some people who make it so difficult to hear. So I just want to be alone for a while...what is so wrong with that? I don't have a desire to be surrounded by people...I just want to be able to move on with my life.

So, with my head raw, battered and bloody...I finally decided to stop beating my head against the wall. It will take some time to heal, but that is fine with me. I need some time anyway...