Here I am.

Here I am.
This is not where I thought I would be today.
I really didn't want it to come to this.
But it took two to get here...
And one to decide it wasn't right.

Here I am.
With every emotion trying to explode
Out of my heart,
Out through my ribcage and into the world.
Not a pretty sight.

Here I am,
All that I am,
All that I will be.
Ready. Waiting.

I have nothing more to offer.
I have nothing more to give
Than what I have right here,
Than what you see if you really see me.
This is all I have.

Here I am,
Head held high,
Arms open wide.
Ready to face today...
And even tomorrow.

Here I am.

Melting

It only took one day

To be able to drive my car out 

Of the snowdrift and to work.

One day to melt enough snow

To make commuting easy.

One day for snow to become slush,

And for slush to turn to muddy water.

One day for the city to get back on its feet,

Cleaning up after accidents,

And working to prevent more.

How could so much melt in one day?

I have built a city of snow around my heart,

A wall of ice about my emotions.

Years of attempts to melt it have failed,

Leaving me still alone in my self-made igloo.

But I have noticed slowly, but steadily,

There is a drip...drip...drip.

A tiny hole in the wall,

Another in the ceiling.

The light is starting to shine through.

At first it is too bright, too much to take.

The ice is my barrier, my protection.

I am not sure how to act once that is gone.

I see what is on the other side,

A hand, a smile.

How can I trust it's best to come out of the igloo now?

Maybe it's because of the warmth I feel

Through the hole in the ceiling.

I close my eyes, and I feel warmth...not ice.

I don't feel so numb, I feel--happy.

I close my eyes, and turn my face

Toward that small hole in the ceiling.

There may not be sunshine every day

Outside the igloo.

But there is more sunshine out there,

Than in here.

I let the water drip onto my face,

And I reach out.

One ice block, then another...

I will slowly tear down my own igloo.

I will feel the sunshine again.

I will choose to be happy, and not numb.

Snow Day

What a day. It snowed a good portion of the day...and when a friend called needing to be picked up fro the airport, I said "Hell yeah!" Unfortunately, the snow drift in my neighborhood said "hell no," so ended up turning right back around--and by that I mean, 2 guys with pick-up trucks helped tow me out of the snow drift. It was interesting, I laughed--and I am thankful to live in a place where people are so helpful.

I stayed in the basement most of the day. If you read my previous post, then you know why. It was just one of those days where it was too painful to be out...to see the snow sans Bubba...to not hear him today. He would have loved today so much...

I spent a good portion of the day looking for apartments. I hope to move in the next couple weeks...I love my parents' house, but I can't stay here long. I need my space and the cats need to be able to roam free--right now they are confined to the basement--another reason I stayed down here most of the day. I just hope that the perfect apartment pops up...it's difficult. There are entire towns off limits because of, well--I don't want to run into certain people.

Today was tough...and it has taken me a while to realize that it's ok to have bad days. Everyone has them. I am just having a little more of them lately...and they will pass. And, it's OK to not always be fine. It's ok to hurt, I am allowed to be sad sometimes.

That's a leap for me.

The Bulldozer

There is a blizzard today. It's nice because it gives me an excuse to not work, it gives me a day off.

But it's heartbreaking too...because Cedric loved the snow so much.

I look out and I see the untouched snow, and I imagine his little paw prints making little paths everywhere. I imagine him putting his nose down, and bulldozing his own path...then looking up and having a neat little pile of snow on top of his nose right between his eyes. How he loved the snow.

The quiet house is another painful reminder. The sound of him breathing is missing. He's not nesting into his beanbag or drinking gallons of water. No long protruded sighs...no snoring.

Some people will say--oh, he was just a dog. Cedric was much more than that. He was a very special part of our family, like glue a lot of the time. No matter what happened, we all worried about Cedric and we all loved him so.

Cedric was my brother, and my friend. I had a tough time through junior high and high school, and Cedric was always there when I came home from school. He would listen to me, and in the mornings would even crawl into bed with me and help me procrastinate. I never had to spend a night alone because he was there. When I was down because other girls had dates and valentines, I had Cedric...and I knew he would never break my heart.

As I said yesterday...paw prints on my heart. Only today they are filled with snow.

One week....

It has been one week since Cedric left us. I still can't believe it...I still walk upstairs expecting to see him, I still walk into the house expecting to hear him sleeping...and I still expect to hear him barking for a treat.

The house feels so empty without him...even though there are still 6 other beings here. There's just an empty hole now where Cedric used to be...he was such a good soul, a gentle soul. I miss him dearly.

We all do.

Paw prints on my heart....

91 days...

Today...we signed the papers. Which means that it will be legal in 91 days...legally divorced.

Last night and this morning were rough. Last night was rough because I pulled out my journal to write in--the one I started right after the wedding, and realized that I was going to finish it. The entirety of my marriage...in one little journal. Encased between a black leather cover...all of it fits so nicely. I guess it really is time for not just a new chapter in my life, but a new volume. And entirely new book linked only through the main character. I guess we will see what the next volume holds...hopefully more hope, love and trust...joy and adventure. I am ready for adventure.

Today starts a whole new life in a way...another chance. I have no idea what is in store for me tomorrow. I have no idea what heartaches, heartbreaks, pain and sorrow lie ahead--but I also have no idea what love, joys, and heartwarmings lie ahead. Roll with the punches...some will land hard, others will miss.

I am filled with hope and anticipation. Let's see where this ends up.

Simple math...

All my tomorrows lay ahead,
And I have no idea what each one holds.
There they sit, each patiently waiting their turn,
To shine, to rain, to just exist in the moment.

Each tomorrow holds a promise.
Some will let that promise fall,
Others will uphold it,
Others still will ignore it.

Each day, all I can do is hope.
Hope that today is better than yesterday,
And pray that tomorrow is better than today.

All I know is that the sum of my tomorrows,
Is so much greater than the sum of my yesterdays.
And the difference, is today.

A brighter tomorrow...

I actually feel pretty good right now. I got to do some tree climbing, and that felt so amazing....super refreshing for my soul. I found my favorite branch, curled up koala style, and laid there for oh...probably an hour. It was just like I remember it...you close your eyes and feel the warm breeze, the tree slightly moving in the wind....the sun shining down and warming you just enough. The feel of the rough bark, and the smell of nature. I need to do this every day...or at least once a week.

I had a really great talk with my Dad today as we laid out ant traps. We talked about the divorce, life after divorce, and moving on. I am so fortunate that my parents are so supportive of everything...I really don't know where I would be if they didn't.

I love this house...my parents' house. It is so beautiful...and I love the yard. Two sides of the yard are lined with these tall trees (the ones I like to climb) and there are birds singing all the time. It is so quiet and serene...most of the time. (At this moment I am actually being bombarded with sirens going down the highway...funny.) But you can hear the breeze, and the birds....and at night, you can actually see the stars really clearly. This place is amazing.

I have started to see this time here kind of as a retreat...a way to prepare for the next steps that I have to take. The quiet helps with that mood...the nostalgia...well, most of the nostalgia anyway. This is home....is always has been...and I think that it always will be a little bit. I am planning to get a Cedric size boulder to put out on the ridge in the back yard, with a plaque...because this was Cedric's yard.

Today I climbed the maple in the back yard...the one that was just as tall as I was when we moved in. It is now taller than the house. It was heartwarming to climb up its limbs...that something can grow so much in so little time...it made me smile. And then I got to thinking...I have grown at least as much--maybe not in height, but in life. That tree will be mine I think....we are kind of twins.

The weather today was amazing...sunny and warm and hopeful. Just like spring should be. It is supposed to snow later in the week, but I am hoping that the beauty of the day will sustain me. Only a few more weeks, and we will be into full-fledged springtime...thank God.

In this moment...I am feeling great. I am confident in the steps that I have to take next. I am looking forward to the next chapter in my life....whatever it holds. I am ready for it. I know that when the bell rings for the end of round 2...I will be standing.

Today I realized that I need things...like love and trust. And I need people. I think that I may have to make a list so I don't forget...because knowing me, I will.

Today....I am smiling. I am hopeful. Today has become a great day...and boy did I need that.

When I close my eyes...

Once again I really have no idea what to write about, but I just have this strong urge to write...so I just hope that something worthwhile comes out of this.

There are so many thoughts running through my head. It is a jumble of words, pictures, phrases, music, light and darkness. I reach for something inside there, and end up with something I did not expect at all.

Fear I feel is huge right now. I feel it slowly winding its grasp around me like a boa constrictor...and I have to figure out how to loosen its grip and avoid it altogether. I have to find a way to defend myself.

When I close my eyes...it is all so very dark today. I don't know why today feels darker than the others...but it does. Today when I close my eyes, I see no hope, no joy, no end to this bitterness and pain. I hope that changes tomorrow.

When I close my eyes, it gets so loud inside my head....like all the thoughts, feelings, lack of feelings and everything else are all trying to get out at the same exact moment. It's like my brain and soul are both tired of living within me and are trying to take a holiday.

When I close my eyes...I can feel the silence somewhere...I can't hear it...but I can feel it. And sometimes it is comforting. But the silence then starts to point me to the holes of things I miss...the holes that fill my life right now. The holes that drain my life right now.

When I close my eyes....I want to feel joy. I want to see a smiling face. I want to see love...I want to feel caring and trust. I want to be trusted.

When I close my eyes....I know exactly what I want to see. So for today....I will make it so...I will imagine what I need every time I close my eyes...I will see what I need to see today...for a brighter tomorrow.

Hold tight.

My soul aches,
And I am full of questions.
My mind is racing,
But I cannot find the words to say
Or write.

My life is still tumbling out of control.
I cannot stop it.
I cannot reverse it.
My life may not return to "normal."

I find some comfort in the silence.
But there I also find the hole
Of things missed.

When I close my eyes today,
It is darker than ever.
There is no light,
No hope of a sunrise.

I keep them closed for a while though,
Much longer than I would like to.
It helps me see more clearly
The light in everyday life.

Count 1....2....

I can't believe that Cedric is gone. It's absolutely heartbreaking.

I was the one who found him...he was at the foot of the stairs when I came home. I laid down next to him just because I had been planning to stay up with him because I haven't been sleeping anyway. And then I noticed he didn't move....and he wasn't breathing.

I just laid there...tried to wake him up. Whispered to him. Shook him. Tried to feel a pulse. And then I just cried.

There are times I wish I could go back to feeling nothing. Today is one of those days.

I feel like I just got hit with a knock out punch...a couple of epic ones. I feel myself falling, knowing I am going down....knowing I am going to hit the mat. I just don't know if i will be able to get back up once I am down...

Cedric Bubba Ray

December 28, 1996-March 18, 2009

Cedric Bubba Ray passed away peacefully in his sleep on Wednesday March 18, 2009. He is survived by his parents, Bob and Dianne; his siblings, Patrick, Chad, Lisa and Scott; and his nieces and nephew, Tiana, Kairi and Sora.

Cedric lived a full life. He spent all his years at his parents' house in Lafayette, CO, enjoying the beauty of the outdoors and the joy of life.

Cedric enjoyed many adventures in his 12 years of life on this earth. As a pup, his family had to be careful to keep the house pretty clean, because within his first week at his new home he had eaten so much trash and tree bark that he had to have his stomach pumped. His parents had to replace the screen door on the front of the house because one day Cedric figured out how to open it and decided to take himself on a walk. (The neighbors down the street recognized him and brought him back home.) Cedric enjoyed playing in the water in the summertime, and he used to try to eat the bottom of his swimming pool. Cedric also enjoyed when the tulips would bloom in the springtime. He loved tulips--exactly the way you think a gentle "giant" would. He never tried to eat them, but instead would simply smell them. He enjoyed the winter at least as much--if not more. He loved to stick his face down into the snow and plow his face through, earning himself the nickname "Bulldozer."

As a younger dog,Cedric did not enjoy his time in obedience school. His stature earned him the nickname "Barrel Boy," and somehow his family ended up more trained than he did. Eventually he learned "sit" very well, because he knew there was a treat for him if he listened.

Cedric's favorite time of year was definitely the Thanksgiving and Christmas season. His Dad always let him participate in the carving of the turkey--which meant he had a steady stream of turkey pieces to munch on. Cedric loved to be surrounded by his family, and the holiday season always brought his brothers and sister home to visit.

In his golden years, Cedric was still a best friend to many. There wasn't a soul that he didn't love, from the cats that were just brought into his home to the rabbits in the yard; he loved them all. Cedric was always the most gentle creature--even though he did not sound gentle in the midst of a raucous game of tug-o-war. He loved to win, and had the tenacity to do so.

Cedric endured many health problems toward the end of his life. Cedric survived a spleenectomy only two days before his beloved "turkey day," and despite not moving for 24 hours after surgery--was ready to eat the turkey as soon as it was pulled from the oven. He lost his hearing, suffered from arthritis and in the last couple months withstood seizures. Despite his growing health concerns, Cedric always loved life, and always carried a sense of joy within himself.

His family has been greatly blessed by his presence in their lives, and Cedric will be sorely missed.

Cedric's ashes will be spread around the yard of his parents' house.

All dogs go to heaven, and heaven just got another angel.

He last wishes would have been for you to eat a turkey in memory of him. Just make sure you pay the "Bubba Tax," and set aside a piece for him.

Not yet down for the count...

It is amazing what one good day can do. The pain is not gone, but it has subsided substantially. I don't feel like I need to sleep for 100 years just to get through tomorrow. And that is pretty great right about now.

Fortunately this is not one of those moments where I almost literally have to hold my heart in. The past few days I have had to really physically push on my chest sometimes just to stop the ripping, exploding feeling in my heart. But not right now...

It's nice to have these moments where I feel human again...where I don't feel like such a shadow of myself. Instead I start to feel like...a really big newborn, with a clean slate and a whole lot to do in this world. I am reminded that I am down, but not out. Round one may have left me battered, bruised, and completely baffled--but I am ready to kick ass in round two.

I am down, but not out. I really hope I can feel this hopeful in the morning.

Moving out...

I have moved.
Out of my old house,
Into my older house.

But somehow I have a harder time
Moving out of my old role,
And into my new one.

You've made it clear that you don't care,
Just by telling me how much I don't care.

The empty rooms echo
Like the pieces of my heart.
Feeling empty, broken,
And out of place.

This is not what I wanted.
I have not won.
I have lost it all.
You may feel the victim here,
but I am a victim too.
And the fact that you refuse
To acknowledge my pain
Makes it even greater.

You display your pain
Like a peacock displays his feathers,
I don't understand why.
But each display puts me down,
Pushes me further away from you
And from the love I know we once shared.

I am moving out.
Out of my old role,
And into my new one...
I cannot stay in my old role
Any more than I can stay at your house.

I am moving out.

I am moving on...

Mending...unending.

Some days it seems ok.
Some days it is very manageable.
Other days the pain is overwhelming,
And some days I wonder if I will ever feel anything
Except pain...and failure.

Some moments are wonderful,
I forget how much it hurts.
Some moments everything seems to go right,
And I forget all that is wrong.
Other moments I feel so much,
I am afraid that my heart might explode.
Other moments it feels as though someone is trying
To rip my heart out from my chest.

There will be more of both days,
More of both moments.
Some days my heart will leap for joy,
Others it will cower and be wrenched with pain.

Today it is full of pain and sorrow.
The mending process is slow today,
And I wish it could just be done....for both of us.

Trust and memories...

Even now I know you don't trust me.
You say you do,
The questions are benign....
But I know you so much better than that.

Even now....I don't trust you.
Every comment I assume is aimed to hurt
Or to tear something away from me.
I am afraid I don't know anymore...

There was a time when I knew...
There was a time when I trusted.
I was heartbroken when I found out
There was not a time when you trusted...
There was not a time when you knew...

I gave all that I had to give
And even more.
Pieces of my heart and soul
Lay strewn along the path we walked together.
Torn apart and shredded.
I gave all that I had to give.

I wish you trusted that was true.

Exhausted....completely

I can't remember the last time I was so tired....in college there were times when I had to pull all-nighters, but somehow I was still never this tired. Even during Fiddler last year when I stayed up for oh...about 50 hours straight, I wasn't this drained.

I just feel tired in every way...physically, mentally...emotionally. I would like to just close my eyes and sleep for a month...then maybe things would fall into place again.

This is such a weird place to be...in so many ways. But it will be ok. I have been riding the roller coaster for months, jarring, screeching, and kidney bruising....but I know I will come out on the other end ok.

I really can't wait to get my own apartment...living in my old bedroom is just strange...none of my stuff is here. Not my bed, not my sheets, not my desk...and none of my clothes in the tiny closet. But soon some of that will change. I am moving everything out of the old place, and into here on Sunday. It will be a nice change of pace to actually have all of my stuff here...

The cats will come here Saturday. I really can't wait. It has been so lonely without them...and it will be nice to have their company again. It has been almost 2 weeks since I have spent any time with them....oh how I miss them....so so so much. But my children are coming home soon!!

I want someplace to feel like home again...and I hope that here will feel like home once the cats are here...I am sorry they have to move twice...but I know they will enjoy the change of scenery...

Here's hoping that tomorrow goes well....

Life Interrupted

My life doesn't feel like my own yet. It hasn't for a while, but I was really hoping that by now I would be feeling some semblance of myself. i just wonder how much longer it will take.

I used to tell my friends that there was a fine line between dating and marriage--in watching your own back versus the back of the person you love. I always said that while you were dating, you had to watch your own back; but then once you got married...you could simply cover the person you love. What happens when the formula doesn't work? What happens when you end up having to cover not only their back and your own, but when the other person turns and fires on you?

I guess I found out that there is always a fine line to walk. Trust is a large part of love, and without it so much fails.

It's a nice notion to have someone to stand by you...but what happens when you realize that you want to be walking...or even running, and they just keep standing?

Life interrupted. My life interrupted. That's how I feel today. Everything off schedule, no sleep, no concentration....and feeling like I am letting down those around me.

I just want my life back...I know I can fix it...but I want it to be fixed now.

Starting the legal process...

Today I started the legal process of the divorce. Maybe that is why I am so wiped out now. So in theory...somewhere around 120 days from now...I will be legally single again. Weird...really weird.

Today was a long day...a very long day. But tomorrow is a new day....and I can't wait to see what it holds.

Tomorrow Brian starts his part of the legal process, so I guess we will see how that goes. Then we actually have to meet together to fill out paperwork...I am just so ready to have the paperwork done, and for it all to be over with.

But as someone reminded me today...it is a process. And little by little, I will see the progress. I really hope that's true. I need to see some progress soon...

Well...I would write more...but I am totally wiped. I will let you know what tomorrow brings.

25...and getting divorced.

I am trying to write here every day...not entirely sure why, but I think that it might help me. Work through stuff...make my way through the muck.

Today I finally started telling people outright...I am getting divorced. I don't think this is the venue to explain why, but I tried everything...and realized that I am too young to be this unhappy. Someone has to look out for me...and it might as well be me...and I am fine with that.

Don't worry about me. I say I am fine...OK...doing well--and I actually am. I am happy...free. I see doors opening that I thought were bolted shut to me...and I am really excited about it all. I can't wait to see what is awaiting me...

It's time that something in my life is about me...not about making money for us or trying to get us to be closer....working so hard for us to work. Trying so hard to make us happy...forgetting what it was like for me to be happy.

I want to be happy...so I am going to do what it takes to make me happy. End of story...well, maybe it's just the beginning....it's definitely just the beginning....

Scar tissue that I wish you saw...

I can show you some of my scars,
Some have great stories.
This one on my arm
is from a go cart motor.
The one above my eye from a dog bite.
(And yet I have never feared dogs.)
The puffy one on my hand from
falling off a golf cart,
the series of scars down my side from the same fall.
Split my head open in 4th grade,
the evidence, a nice scar right in the middle of my hairline.
A nice neat scar on my wrist,
surgery to help me work better.

But I can't show you all the scars on the inside.
I can't show you how cut up and broken my heart is.
I can't show you how deep the scars run...
How long they have taken to heal...
How many are still healing.

If I could transfer the scars on the inside to the outside...
You might not see me the same way.
You could see the pain I am feeling...
And how some scars are splitting open with new wounds.

I wish you could see my scars.
All of them.
Then maybe you would understand.

Trust and consequences...

What do you do when you realize the one person you were supposed to be able to trust most in the world betrays you...terribly and repeatedly? What do you do when all you thought was true crumbles beneath you?

I remember everything.
I remember the day we met,
And how it felt when you first kissed me.
I remember our hot summer days at the pool,
And how I would always follow you around...
Getting us both in trouble.
I remember silly fights,
Why you saw a movie without me
And why you didn't call me one day.
I remember saying everyone deserves another chance...
And I remember giving you that chance....giving us that chance.
I remember the late night phone calls,
Being forbidden to spend time with you.
I remember the costly phone bills
And following you everywhere at school.
I remember not being sure...but trusting you.
I remember the moment you proposed,
So nervous, but not on one knee.
I remember the hard times...
Fighting over stupid things like candles and guests,
Location and priest.
I remember the day we said, "I do..."
And how good it felt to have someone to hold so closely,
So dearly...so completely.
I remember crying...for joy...as a release.
I remember the glow, the glow of a new love.
I remember the long nights apart...
Days and nights at work, apart from one another.
I remember more fights...over alcohol, time apart, friends and more.
I remember how I longed to spend time with you...
How I begged you to see me.
I remember how much it hurt to have you hold me,
Knowing you didn't know me at all.
I remember that night...that night.
And I wish I didn't.
I will remember our love...how it grew, was choked, and died.
I will remember how we used to make each other laugh...
Laugh until we cried.
I will remember the good times...
But they cannot overshadow the bad times.
I will remember the pain when you said I was giving up.
But I must remember that I have to take care of myself.
Because that you forgot.
I trusted you to care for me...
But that you forgot.

It is not easy to be in this place. To be so torn apart from the one that you just want most in the world to be a part of...but you know you can't be anymore.

Don't Stop Believin'

Some days I don't even know where to begin. Other days I don't know how it will end...and overall I realize that there is just a lot that I don't know. And I am OK with that.

I am not where I thought I would be at this point in my life...no where near it. But I guess that's OK...I guess I didn't know what I needed.

And now I am starting to figure that out.

I know everyone takes this journey at some point in their life...and I guess now it's my turn. I will try to not bore with you details...but I am ready.

I am ready for a fresh start--whatever that entails. I may have to get really dirty before I get my clean slate...but it will be worth it. Everyone gets a second chance...and a third...and a fourth....everyone gets a mulligan.

So who am I? I am not quite sure at this point. Who will I be? Whoever I damn well please.

But I will never stop believing...in myself, in the power of love, family, and friendship.

Risk

Go on and leap
Take the jump
The fall is steep
You hit some bumps

You start to fall
You fall too far
You lose it all
Lose who you are

Just have to keep breathing
Just try to move on
Now you are seeing
Where it went wrong

You fell too steep
You hit the bumps
It was too deep
But you took the jump
____________________________________________________
My friend Brittany just wrote this for me, and I totally feel it.

Thanks Britt for understanding....you rock.

Untitled

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
If I should die before I wake,
I pray the Lord my soul to take.
In this place that is so very strange,
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.

I am sorry I am breaking your heart,
But you have broken mine.
Mending hearts takes more than mending fences.
With you I had let down all my defenses,
And each time, you let me fall.
This is not what I expected from love at all.

I try to speak so you will hear,
Talking louder until I am screaming.
But I am still alone and dreaming,
Trying to escape from the fear.

Deep down I know your heart is true,
but that very heart you keep from me.
Every piece of me I try to let you see,
But each time you don't understand, do you?

Now I lay me down to sleep,
All alone as I weep.
If I should die before I wake,
You should know my heart was not yours to take.

Beating your head against a wall covered in sandpaper...

Take a moment to imagine what that would feel like. Now imagine doing that for months and months on end. That is what I feel like right now.

It's difficult to know what the right answer is...which is the right choice. But sometimes you just have to follow your gut...and my gut tells me it's over. It is absolutely heartbreaking...heartwrenching. But some things you cannot change...

I have had some people ask what it is like...going through divorce. And I just tell them it's like feeling every emotion at the same time. Most of all I think are: failure, sadness, and relief. I kind of feel like I have been trying to give CPR to a person who died months ago. So there is a great sense of failure in that I was unable to keep something alive, sadness in the loss of something great, and relief because I can finally go about my own life. I am sure I will never forget the experience...

There is also a great sense of loneliness--well, I think it's more "aloneness" than loneliness. I do not long to have someone near-I just feel very alone. Some people try to give you advice based of off the brief glimpses they get into your relationship--some people who make it so difficult to hear. So I just want to be alone for a while...what is so wrong with that? I don't have a desire to be surrounded by people...I just want to be able to move on with my life.

So, with my head raw, battered and bloody...I finally decided to stop beating my head against the wall. It will take some time to heal, but that is fine with me. I need some time anyway...