So, my photo for today is--vegan marshmallow s'mores!! A good friend of mine special-ordered vegan marshmallows for me, so today we hung out and made s'mores! So delicious!!
But what I really want to blog about today was how I want to remember this apartment. I have to move out of here on April 20th, and I am really not looking forward to it. I have come to love this place--water leaks and all, it's my home. My kids and I have written our story here for the last year, and I wouldn't have wanted to be anywhere but here.
I woke up this morning with Sora nestled against my right thigh. As I turned off my alarm, Kairi jumped onto the bed and onto my chest for our usual morning cuddle time. As I cuddled with my two babies, I looked around my bedroom and thought, "This is exactly how I want to remember this place." So, I thought that I would do one of my favorite writing exercises: the "I remember" series. I started doing these series after my Grandfather passed away. His last words to me were "I remember," and ever since then those words have stuck with me. So...concerning my humble abode and the last year....
I remember moving in, just two of us lugging all of my stuff in.
I remember the uHaul, a bench seat.
I remember a picture taken in my new empty apartment...two of us...I had hoped you would always share this space with me.
I remember a snow day....with only trace amounts of snow on the ground...but we didn't want to leave the house...we blamed it on the cable guy being late...
I remember chases around the apartment...from the bedroom, to the couch and back...pillow fights and pillow talk...
I remember softly spoken words, gentle caresses, and shared affection.
I remember unpacking, and finding out I had so little that was useful...that I lost so much in the divorce.
i remember the boxes everywhere, and not caring because I had company.
I remember the first few nights alone...and how alone it felt.
I remember my dreams for this place...and how they changed.
I remember trying to teach myself to dance, grooving around my apartment to whatever was on my ipod.
I remember Sora trying to climb out of the window...so I had to get a kiddie gate to put in front of the window.
I remember finally finishing unpacking...and how much this place felt like home in that moment.
I remember breaking my nose when the blinds fell while trying to put up said kiddie gate...
I remember knowing exactly who I could text when I broke my nose...because I knew he would be there.
I remember the beautiful summer nights...the cool breeze slipping in through the window.
I remember being so frustrated by my neighbors who kept smoking right outside my window.
I remember how lovely the summer days by the pool were...daydreaming of love, spending time with friends, learning to live and let go.
I remember nights spent in the hot tub, laughing and talking under the stars.
I remember taking the kids out in the warm summer evenings...watching the sun start to set, just the three of us...
I remember leaving for a few days...and falling in love with the beach while I was gone.
I remember how much I missed my kids when I left for 3 weeks...and how wonderful it was to come home to them.
I remember how hot it was in here....with the fan running 24/7...walking around in just a swimsuit.
I remember how hard August was....how I thought it would be just fine.
I remember laying on the floor, talking of Spain, and knowing that there was an end in sight...much closer than I ever wanted it to be.
I remember the weather getting colder again...and wishing that just for one more night I could sleep with the window open...
I remember the leaves falling, having to wear my coat out again....
I remember having to let go...of the first set of dreams I had for this place...of someone I loved.
I remember the tears...seemingly endless tears over the summer and fall.
I remember having someone here to dry my tears...someone I let into my house, and my heart.
I remember every day telling my children good bye as I left for work, letting them know what time I thought I would be home.
I remember Sora trying to escape every single time I came home.
I remember wishing so much the weather would stay warm...
I remember getting a new comforter for my bed, because as much as I love the old one...it was filled with too many bad memories...
I remember making my drapes, and matching bed pillows.
I remember the months of insomnia...with dinner at 2AM...
I remember setting of the smoke detector several times in the middle of the night...
I remember many many mornings, staying up so late I heard the summer birds singing...
I remember facing so many moments alone here...wishing someone were here to share it with me.
I remember a stranger coming to visit...and how I realized this was my space, and my place...and I really didn't want to share completely...
I remember wishing I could have holidays at home....here...like I wanted last year, so I could share them with my children.
I remember baking for endless hours--when I discovered I could actually cook!!
I remember the joy...in my tiny kitchen.
I remember the kids running around and around and around the house, chasing each other into oblivion.
I remember watching the snow fall outside through the big picture window...and how beautiful it was...because I got to watch it with someone I love.
I remember getting snowed in...for real...for a whole day...getting to work, bake, snuggle and cuddle...
I remember putting up the Christmas tree...and loving how it looked in my home.
I remember Sora climbing up the Christmas tree...and somehow never knocking it over!
I remember crying on Christmas morning, not wanting to leave the safety of these four walls.
I remember learning to love again...within these four walls.
I remember watching "The Shining," begging to be told what happened next....climbing from the couch to the floor and back again...
I remember wishing I could be home on New Year's so I could see the kids....
I remember sharing my space....and being happy about it.
I remember feeling the joy...of being wrapped up in loving arms, cuddled together on the couch.
I remember the sadness of feeling so alone on a special day.
I remember more tears....more sadness....everything had worked so well within these walls...
I remember laughter bouncing off the walls, echoing through the rooms...
I remember waking up every morning to my kids...close by...so full of love.
I remember so many nights on my couch...typing away on my computer, watching the kids sleep next to me.
I remember so much time on this couch...the best couch in the world...kisses exchanged, embraces held....thoughts and glances passed one to another.
I remember the water leaks, the endless plumbers and repairs...
I remember the river flowing out of the wall of the kitchen...and just laughing!!
I remember being so happy coming home from the grocery store because I had no meat in my bags.
I remember the day I realized I would be leaving here soon...and that I knew I wasn't ready to leave all these memories behind.
I remember learning so much here...how to cook, how to love again, how to trust, how to play guitar and ukulele...how to knit and crochet...how to let go and let it be...
I remember every feeling I have ever felt...I felt more here...
I remember wishing I could stay within these four walls....for just a bit longer...
I remember why I can't stay here...with much sadness...but I know bigger and better things are waiting...
I will always remember this little apartment. With no dining area, a huge closet but no pantry, giant bedroom and a fireplace....perfect for me and my babies. My pictures on the wall, my pillows on the bed...my clothes in the closet. All my love...I love this tiny, imperfect place.
This will always be my first. My first time living on my own...all alone. It has been more perfect and more imperfect than anything I could have hope or dreamed of. It isn't much...but it is mine. It is my energy, my space..and I love it. And I will miss it ever so much...so very very much.
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