Better Off Alone

A lot of times...I think that I would just be better off alone. That way I would not have to worry about being too demanding, too high maintenance, or have to worry about finding the right person.

I fear that I am too over-bearing, too overwhelming lately...that I worry too much.
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If I think I may fall,
Collide, like Icarus,
With the earth below...
I will push you away.
If I am unsure,
If the fear creeps in
And takes over
With its irrational thoughts,
And illogical actions...
I will turn away,
Into the respite of my igloo.
I will let the cold wash over me,
Let the numbness again return,
Just so I won't have to feel
That collision again.

Know that I am a little afraid,
And I am very skittish.
All it takes is one tiny tiny thing
To send me walking towards my igloo.
And I am sorry...
I am trying to change.
But the memories of pain
Are oh so very near,
I cannot abandon them here...
They will not let me leave them here.

So I am sorry
That it takes so little to scare me away...
I am sorry it's only a word.
I am sorry all it takes
Is being busy...leaving here
To send me spiraling
Into my own depths
Of doubt, distraction and despair...
Into the cavern of loneliness
And into the pools of pain...

As I sit alone,
And wonder of all the plans,
Broken, lost, abandoned, confused...
Of day trips lost..
Moments lost...
I remember what it feels like to love again.
And I wish I could grasp onto it...
Hold on tight and never let go...
But my heart says no.
It is not to be so.
The pain wells up inside
Like a great tide...
Building, building....breaking...
Building, building...breaking....
Building, building...breaking...

And so I push you away.
I push you out into the breaking waves...
Not because I want to see you broken,
But because I cannot stand to feel broken again.
I am not sure I can withstand it again.

I don't think I could.