200

Wow...200 posts already. And the year is so young...

Today I took a look at my table...and realized that it wouldn't be my table for much longer. This place, which has been my home for so long--is going to be become foreign....I can't even imagine.

Kids at Work

Today...I took the kids to work for the first time!! It was loads of fun (except getting them there....) and I am planning to take them back for the rest of the week because I have to work late all week. It seemed like they really enjoyed it too--they were so well behaved!!

I love my kids so so very much!!

1:26 AM - 1:57 AM

Of diamonds and promises,
Love and laughter...
Of broken hearts and unspoken thoughts,
Grace and gratitude...
Fuzzy memories lost in a glass,
Half kisses and full hugs,
Whatever is permissible...
Understandable.
Waiting for midnight...
Then 1 am...
Then 2...
Waiting for a time...a place...
A person.
A feeling.
Love.
Waiting for understanding,
A rush from the heart.
Wanting so much more,
More than is permissible,
Reasonable.
Empty teardrops like sand,
Sifting through an hourglass...
Drip, drip, drip, drip.
Tears, sharp like the shards
Of every broken promise,
Cutting through my chest,
Slicing through my ribcage
And piercing my heart.
Leaving the chambers pumping,
Out of order,
Blood spurting out...
Gasping for air...for life.
Broken heart.
A warmth--a beat.
Life refuses to go out.
Like a wayward ship out at sea,
It will never cease
Until it finds its safe harbor.
Thud, thud, thud...
Thump, thump thump...
Beat, beat, beat, beat...
The heart finds a reason to keep on.
As small as a snail,
A light the size of a pin prick,
Hope clinging by a spider's thread...
It hangs on.
Desperately, definitively...
Defiantly.
It beats on.
And on and on and on.
Without logic,
Some days without reason...
But it continues on.
Stronger, weaker,
More vulnerable...more desperate.
Stronger.
Sustainable.
Certain.
Of love and laughter,
Kisses and goodbyes...
Of doubt and pain,
Loving and leaving.
Of all the good
And all the bad,
All things terrible,
And some things wonderful.
I choose to believe...
Somewhere out there
Lies the reason for my heart...
...beat, beat, beat....
To not give up.
...beat...beat...beat...
There's a safe harbor somewhere.
....beat......beat......beat......
Somewhere there's another part.
.......beat..............beat.............
Somewhere there's another heart.
..............beat....................
Don't give up.
Don't give up.
Don't give up.
Don't give up.
.............................................

I Am Not Opposed...

...to being swept off my feet.

I would not mind a Prince Charming to my Damsel in distress...

Even though I am not very damsel-y...and I can usually handle my own distress...

Nonetheless, I would love a Prince Charming to sweep me off my feet,
And if he tries, it's really not that difficult.

Better Off Alone

A lot of times...I think that I would just be better off alone. That way I would not have to worry about being too demanding, too high maintenance, or have to worry about finding the right person.

I fear that I am too over-bearing, too overwhelming lately...that I worry too much.
________________

If I think I may fall,
Collide, like Icarus,
With the earth below...
I will push you away.
If I am unsure,
If the fear creeps in
And takes over
With its irrational thoughts,
And illogical actions...
I will turn away,
Into the respite of my igloo.
I will let the cold wash over me,
Let the numbness again return,
Just so I won't have to feel
That collision again.

Know that I am a little afraid,
And I am very skittish.
All it takes is one tiny tiny thing
To send me walking towards my igloo.
And I am sorry...
I am trying to change.
But the memories of pain
Are oh so very near,
I cannot abandon them here...
They will not let me leave them here.

So I am sorry
That it takes so little to scare me away...
I am sorry it's only a word.
I am sorry all it takes
Is being busy...leaving here
To send me spiraling
Into my own depths
Of doubt, distraction and despair...
Into the cavern of loneliness
And into the pools of pain...

As I sit alone,
And wonder of all the plans,
Broken, lost, abandoned, confused...
Of day trips lost..
Moments lost...
I remember what it feels like to love again.
And I wish I could grasp onto it...
Hold on tight and never let go...
But my heart says no.
It is not to be so.
The pain wells up inside
Like a great tide...
Building, building....breaking...
Building, building...breaking....
Building, building...breaking...

And so I push you away.
I push you out into the breaking waves...
Not because I want to see you broken,
But because I cannot stand to feel broken again.
I am not sure I can withstand it again.

I don't think I could.

Spring..and moments.

Oh Colorado spring...you are so cruel.

More snow. That's all there is to say to that.

I have decided that I am going to go ahead and publish my posts when they are done being written, and then I will post the pics once every several days with the appropriate post.

I might be lazy...but I am going to do this!!! ;-)

Daydreamer

I am a dreamer...
I am an executioner--but not the kind that kills people.
The kind that makes things happen.
I like to execute things...as in actualize actions.
Not killing.
I dream...and dream...
And then do.

I want to dream the biggest dreams--
The most impossible, improbable, crazy, wonderful ones...
then make them happen.

I want this feeling that my wings are being clipped
To go far far away.
I want this feeling of falling,
Like Icarus plummeting to the earth
To go even further away.

I want to feel again like nothing is impossible.
Like all that I dream is true...
All that I imagine is at my fingertips,
If I just reach far enough.

I want to be allowed to dream...
To dream and not fall...
To have someone push me to dream bigger,
Better, more wonderful things,
And not bring the clippers to my wings.

I am looking for a dreamer...
And an executioner....not the kind that kills things...
The kind that does things.
I want someone who dreams as big as I do,
And works as hard as I do.

Where is my daydreamer?
Are they off dreaming too,
Instead of searching for me?
Are their toes squishing in the sand,
Their laughter belting out everywhere...
Dreaming.

Maybe they are dreaming of me too....
Like I am dreaming of them.

If it's a broken heart then....

Details in the Fabric
by Jason Mraz

Calm down
Deep breaths
And get yourself dressed instead
Of running around
And pulling all your threads saying
Breaking yourself up.

If it's a broken part, replace it
But, if it 's a broken arm then brace it
If it's a broken heart then face it.

And hold your own,
Know your name,
And go your own way.

And hold your own,
Know your name,
And go your own way.

And everything will be fine.
Everything will be fine.
Hmm...

Hang on,
Help is on the way
Stay strong,
I'm doing everything .

And hold your own,
Know your name,
And go your own way.

And hold your own,
Know your name,
And go your own way.

And everything, everything will be fine.
Everything.

Are the details in the fabric
Are the things that make you panic
Are your thoughts the result of static cling?

Are the things that make you blow
Hell, no reason, go on and scream.
If you're shocked it's just the fault
Of faulty manufacturing.

Yeah everything will be fine.
Everything in no time at all.
Everything.

And hold your own,
Know your name,
And go your own way.

Are the details in the fabric (Hold your own, know your name.)
Are the things that make you panic
Are your thoughts the result of static cling? (Go your own way.)

Are the details in the fabric (Hold your own, know your name.)
Are the things that make you panic (Go your own way.)
Is it Mother Nature's sewing machine?

Are the things that make you blow (Hold your own, know your name.)
Hell, no reason, go on and scream.
If you're shocked it's just the fault (Go your own way.)
Of faulty manufacturing.

Everything will be fine,
Everything in no time at all
Hearts will hold.
___________________________________________

Another song discovery from this summer...but it has been running through my head the past couple days.

If it's a broken heart then face it.

I'd rather be able to just replace the broken part. It is so much easier than facing a broken heart...even a heart that has been mending for so long.

Hold your own, know your name. Go your own way.

So much easier said than done. I am trying to find my own way...trying to find out who I am...trying to hold my own as best as I can. But no matter how hard I try, it seems that even trying to go my own way my path slips and slides beneath me. The trail I am trying to blaze is not as sturdy as I want it to be.

Are the details in the fabric, are the things that make you panic, are your thoughts the result of static cling?

The first time I heard this song, this was pretty much all I heard--all the details in the fabric, constantly running through my head...every tiny little detail bogging down my brain...and sometimes all my thoughts are is static...in there are all the things that make me panic...

And if you're shocked it's the fault of faulty manufacturing.

A lot of days I feel as though I was faultily manufactured. As though they were a kink in the mold I came out of, or I have a part that should have been recalled...

Everything will be fine....

If I try to hold my own, and go my own way? When? How? How long must I wait?

These are how the days go sometimes. I feel so positive and chipper, and then my path slips and slides beneath me, and I falter. I am in one of those times where I feel very alone and separate. Where the rest of the world seems to tick and click along, and I am left behind....staring at the details of the fabric, and all the things that make me panic.

If it's a broken heart then face it.

Can't I just run it through Mother Nature's sewing machine?

Last March

I just spent a few minutes looking through my blogs from this time last year, and I have to say--I am really glad to be here, and not back there!

It is amazing how much has happened in a year. How far I have traveled, how different my future looks.

This time last year, my heart was broken--shattered. I can still remember the feeling oh so clearly...my heart wanting to burst out of my chest, having to literally push against my own ribcage in an attempt to make it at least feel as though my heart was not going to be expelled from my body. My mind constantly racing, never quiet...my thoughts wandering all over the dark depths of loneliness. Everything a tangled mess of "I don't know what comes next" and "How the hell did it come to this?" Nothing made sense, and I still remember the moments where the pain seemed too much to bear...

Everything feels so different now. I see a future for me, a path I never thought possible--is laid out right before me. I am as brave as I want to be...and just as curious. I finally feel like there is no one holding me back...and that is a great feeling.

One year ago today, we signed all the divorce papers. It was really the end, until the official paper came in the mail in June. So, happy Freedom Day part 1.

I look forward to where I will be next March.

Snowy Spring Day

It has turned into one of those typical Colorado spring days....where yesterday we were in tank tops and shorts, and today we have 8 inches of snow.

I wonder if this will be my last Colorado snow. There is always this snow, right in the midst of spring break...and sometimes there's one more big snow in April...so I guess time will tell.

In a few months, I will be California bound. Yesterday I started pricing out moving options...it seems so unreal...so surreal. I can't believe how fast time flies....I can't believe that it has almost been a year since I moved into this apartment.

As I sit here on my most-amazing couch...I am watching the snow pile higher and higher outside. To think that a year ago...I felt so much like the snow. Cold and wintery, blustery and lonely, too cold for anyone to stand...my igloo has long-since been melted. And even as the temperature drops once again, even as the snow builds higher and higher...I still feel a warmth in my heart, one that was missing for so very long.

I plan to cuddle up close with my babies tonight. Kairi will keep my head warm and Sora will snuggle up next to one side while our temporary family member, Dillon, snuggles up on the other side.

It's a good night to be snowed in.

Day Off

So, it's Spring Break up at school...and what do I do? I agree to work 4 days out of the work week at another job.

Classic Lisa.

But it's a lot of fun, and it's going to be beautiful. I am super excited that I was asked to do this project, it's a step up for me....a step in the right direction.

But, a day off is never a day off for me. I have been told it's a genetic disorder.

An Excellent Day for A Ride...

Today was a gorgeous day!!! And I got to spend it with a wonderful friend, celebrating their birthday!!

We rode the go karts...and of course I won. There is still nothing quite like feeling the wind in your hair, your foot pressing the gas pedal to the floor. And it feel so good to weave in and out of other karts, passing people while on the way to first place.

Ugly Duckling

For those of you who didn't know me growing up, I wasn't pretty. I wasn't even cute. I was that unfortunately chubby, ugly duckling girl with a great personality....and brains. So...that's who I feel I still am. That unfortunately awkward girl who can change the oil in your car. In high heels. Who will wear pearls and talk to you about Star Wars.

Lately, I keep wondering what it is about me that seems to scare people off, or push them away. A friend of mine told me it was because I was too pretty. That is pretty incomprehensible to me, seeing as I am an ugly duckling. And it got me to thinking...

I am just a normal girl. Really. A very contradictory, relatively low-maintenance, average, every day, girl-next-door. I am pretty smart though.

So why do I feel like I intimidate people? Why do I feel like people are just too bashful to speak to me? I have tried smiling more...I am not sure if it is working.

I guess what I am getting at--in a very roundabout way, is that I wonder why I don't get asked out on dates, I wonder why guys just want to "hang out" and don't seem interested in being romantically involved with me.

I guess I shouldn't be surprised. The ugly duckling is always "one of the guys."

But am I still one of the guys in 4 inch heels with fishnets and a short skirt?

Apparently....you can't change a leopard's spots...or an ugly duckling.

Crochet and a Surprise

I was so greatly surprised to find out that Poosh was in town!! So she came over, and we spent the evening eating Chinese food and crocheting...it was such a blast!! It was so nice to just sit back and relax, and get to spend time with one of my best friends.

Yay for surprises and crocheting!

(The picture is a book I just got, and the motifs are for an afghan for my niece!)

365 Days

One year ago today...

We lost you buddy. I understand--I know you had been battling for so long, and it was so hard and painful. But you fought so well...you stood so strong.

I just miss you so much still. You were the one who sat by me year after year, when I felt alone--you were there. All those Valentine's Days--I never spent one alone, because you were there. I miss...was back when you were a puppy...you would crawl under the covers with me and help me procrastinate getting out of bed.

Butch looks so much like you...and you would love Sunny so much. We call you "Uncle Cedric" to them. You would love them so much...and they would love you so much back. But I still get caught off guard, I'll look at Butch...and see you smiling back at me.

Tonight, I want to cry just as much as I did one year ago. I want to rewind....just to get to hang out with you and scratch your ears...just one more time big guy.

I know you are happier now, and so I am glad for that. I know you no longer have the pain and sorrow of your ailing body...and now all you have is the joy of a soul set free.

I just still miss you.

Rest in peace Cedric. Love you.

Trying to Smile

No One's Gonna Love You
Band of Horses

It's looking like a limb torn off,
Or altogether just taken apart.
We're reeling through an endless fall.
We are the ever-living ghost of what once was.

But no one is ever gonna love you more than I do.
No one's gonna love you more than I do.

And anything to make you smile.
It is a better side of you to admire.
But they should never take so long,
Just to be over then back to another one.

And no one is ever gonna love you more than I do.
No one's gonna love you more than I do.

But someone,
They could have warned you.
When things start splitting at the seams and now,
The whole thing's tumbling down.
Things start splitting at the seams and now,
If things start splitting at the seams and now,
It's tumbling down,
Hard.

Anything to make you smile.
You are the ever-living ghost of what once was.
I never want to hear you say,
That you'd be better off,
Or you liked it that way.

And no one is ever gonna love you more than I do.
No one's gonna love you more than I do.

But someone,
They should have warned you.
When things start splitting at the seams and now
The whole thing's tumbling down.
Things start splitting at the seams and now
If things start splitting at the seams and now,
It's tumbling down,
Hard.

_________________________________________

I love this song...just overall. But today, I stared to realize that I just don't smile on my own very much. And I started to think...maybe that's why people don't talk to me or whatever. But then I thought "anything to make you smile..."

I am trying to smile on my own. I am trying to remember that I don't need someone to make me smile.

I am the ever-living ghost of what once was...

And I always will be.

104 more days still....and now I may lose count...

love
lost
found
gained
ending
beginning
hope
faith
broken
new
giddy
bubbly
butterfly
stronger
skates
blades
hours
blog
words
written
therapy
work
hours
days
weeks
months
year
anniversary
Cedric
alone
tears
cry
sadness
overcome
snow
bulldozer
new
children
blanket
cuddle
squeak
rusty
heartbeat
leap
flutter
bloom
questions
forgotten
moving
leaving
decisions
news
joy
cooking
countdown
wishing
past
state
mind
soon
empty
rooms
home
house
music
computer
fix
fixing
fixed
guitar
ukulele
wrist
pain
again
please
stop
rebuild
remind
rethink
return
re-organize
redo
done
end
no
still
sorrow
weep
caring
none
continue
leave
cannot
touch
healing
healed
wound
reopen
close
heal
dream
dreaming
dreamer
believer

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!

Whatever happened to....
"Kiss me, I'm Irish!!"

Music

Is There a Ghost
Band of Horses

I could sleep
I could sleep
I could sleep
I could sleep
When I lived alone,
Is there a ghost in my house?

I could sleep
I could sleep
I could sleep
I could sleep
When I lived alone,
Is there a ghost in my house?
When I lived alone,
Is there a ghost in my house?
My house....

I could sleep
I could sleep
I could sleep
I could sleep
When I lived alone,
Is there a ghost in my house?
When I lived alone,
Is there a ghost in my house?
My house....

I could sleep
I could sleep
I could sleep
I could sleep
When I lived alone,
Is there a ghost in my house?
When I lived alone,
Is there a ghost in my house?
My house....

__________________________________

I will elaborate later...but I am sure you understand at this point.

Four Walls

All my own...
Just mine.
Just us.

How I Will Remember...

So, my photo for today is--vegan marshmallow s'mores!! A good friend of mine special-ordered vegan marshmallows for me, so today we hung out and made s'mores! So delicious!!

But what I really want to blog about today was how I want to remember this apartment. I have to move out of here on April 20th, and I am really not looking forward to it. I have come to love this place--water leaks and all, it's my home. My kids and I have written our story here for the last year, and I wouldn't have wanted to be anywhere but here.

I woke up this morning with Sora nestled against my right thigh. As I turned off my alarm, Kairi jumped onto the bed and onto my chest for our usual morning cuddle time. As I cuddled with my two babies, I looked around my bedroom and thought, "This is exactly how I want to remember this place." So, I thought that I would do one of my favorite writing exercises: the "I remember" series. I started doing these series after my Grandfather passed away. His last words to me were "I remember," and ever since then those words have stuck with me. So...concerning my humble abode and the last year....

I remember moving in, just two of us lugging all of my stuff in.
I remember the uHaul, a bench seat.
I remember a picture taken in my new empty apartment...two of us...I had hoped you would always share this space with me.
I remember a snow day....with only trace amounts of snow on the ground...but we didn't want to leave the house...we blamed it on the cable guy being late...
I remember chases around the apartment...from the bedroom, to the couch and back...pillow fights and pillow talk...
I remember softly spoken words, gentle caresses, and shared affection.
I remember unpacking, and finding out I had so little that was useful...that I lost so much in the divorce.
i remember the boxes everywhere, and not caring because I had company.
I remember the first few nights alone...and how alone it felt.
I remember my dreams for this place...and how they changed.
I remember trying to teach myself to dance, grooving around my apartment to whatever was on my ipod.
I remember Sora trying to climb out of the window...so I had to get a kiddie gate to put in front of the window.
I remember finally finishing unpacking...and how much this place felt like home in that moment.
I remember breaking my nose when the blinds fell while trying to put up said kiddie gate...
I remember knowing exactly who I could text when I broke my nose...because I knew he would be there.
I remember the beautiful summer nights...the cool breeze slipping in through the window.
I remember being so frustrated by my neighbors who kept smoking right outside my window.
I remember how lovely the summer days by the pool were...daydreaming of love, spending time with friends, learning to live and let go.
I remember nights spent in the hot tub, laughing and talking under the stars.
I remember taking the kids out in the warm summer evenings...watching the sun start to set, just the three of us...
I remember leaving for a few days...and falling in love with the beach while I was gone.
I remember how much I missed my kids when I left for 3 weeks...and how wonderful it was to come home to them.
I remember how hot it was in here....with the fan running 24/7...walking around in just a swimsuit.
I remember how hard August was....how I thought it would be just fine.
I remember laying on the floor, talking of Spain, and knowing that there was an end in sight...much closer than I ever wanted it to be.
I remember the weather getting colder again...and wishing that just for one more night I could sleep with the window open...
I remember the leaves falling, having to wear my coat out again....
I remember having to let go...of the first set of dreams I had for this place...of someone I loved.
I remember the tears...seemingly endless tears over the summer and fall.
I remember having someone here to dry my tears...someone I let into my house, and my heart.
I remember every day telling my children good bye as I left for work, letting them know what time I thought I would be home.
I remember Sora trying to escape every single time I came home.
I remember wishing so much the weather would stay warm...
I remember getting a new comforter for my bed, because as much as I love the old one...it was filled with too many bad memories...
I remember making my drapes, and matching bed pillows.
I remember the months of insomnia...with dinner at 2AM...
I remember setting of the smoke detector several times in the middle of the night...
I remember many many mornings, staying up so late I heard the summer birds singing...
I remember facing so many moments alone here...wishing someone were here to share it with me.
I remember a stranger coming to visit...and how I realized this was my space, and my place...and I really didn't want to share completely...
I remember wishing I could have holidays at home....here...like I wanted last year, so I could share them with my children.
I remember baking for endless hours--when I discovered I could actually cook!!
I remember the joy...in my tiny kitchen.
I remember the kids running around and around and around the house, chasing each other into oblivion.
I remember watching the snow fall outside through the big picture window...and how beautiful it was...because I got to watch it with someone I love.
I remember getting snowed in...for real...for a whole day...getting to work, bake, snuggle and cuddle...
I remember putting up the Christmas tree...and loving how it looked in my home.
I remember Sora climbing up the Christmas tree...and somehow never knocking it over!
I remember crying on Christmas morning, not wanting to leave the safety of these four walls.
I remember learning to love again...within these four walls.
I remember watching "The Shining," begging to be told what happened next....climbing from the couch to the floor and back again...
I remember wishing I could be home on New Year's so I could see the kids....
I remember sharing my space....and being happy about it.
I remember feeling the joy...of being wrapped up in loving arms, cuddled together on the couch.
I remember the sadness of feeling so alone on a special day.
I remember more tears....more sadness....everything had worked so well within these walls...
I remember laughter bouncing off the walls, echoing through the rooms...
I remember waking up every morning to my kids...close by...so full of love.
I remember so many nights on my couch...typing away on my computer, watching the kids sleep next to me.
I remember so much time on this couch...the best couch in the world...kisses exchanged, embraces held....thoughts and glances passed one to another.
I remember the water leaks, the endless plumbers and repairs...
I remember the river flowing out of the wall of the kitchen...and just laughing!!
I remember being so happy coming home from the grocery store because I had no meat in my bags.
I remember the day I realized I would be leaving here soon...and that I knew I wasn't ready to leave all these memories behind.
I remember learning so much here...how to cook, how to love again, how to trust, how to play guitar and ukulele...how to knit and crochet...how to let go and let it be...
I remember every feeling I have ever felt...I felt more here...
I remember wishing I could stay within these four walls....for just a bit longer...
I remember why I can't stay here...with much sadness...but I know bigger and better things are waiting...

I will always remember this little apartment. With no dining area, a huge closet but no pantry, giant bedroom and a fireplace....perfect for me and my babies. My pictures on the wall, my pillows on the bed...my clothes in the closet. All my love...I love this tiny, imperfect place.

This will always be my first. My first time living on my own...all alone. It has been more perfect and more imperfect than anything I could have hope or dreamed of. It isn't much...but it is mine. It is my energy, my space..and I love it. And I will miss it ever so much...so very very much.

This is Love

I just spent about an hour outside with my lovely children. They love to go on walks--especially Sora, and so I try to take them out whenever I can.

We were all sitting together in the sunshine, Kairi off to my left in the shade of a spruce, and Sora off to my right nestled in the sunshine. I couldn't help but just stare at my beauties...their fur glistening, their eyes wide with wonder...my little boy and girl.

I realized...this is love. When I feel lost, or I forget what it feels like...it's right here. Nestled neatly in the sunshine and fur coats.

The best part was after I picked up Kai to walk home, I turned to Sora and told him it was his turn. NOW he decides he wants to continue the walk. So he walks over to a dusty trail, and after a few feet, plops down and rolls in the dust. I laugh, as he stands up--walks a few more feet, and repeats the process, more vigorously this time. After 4 bouts of this, I finally just reach down and lift him out of the dust...spreading the dust and shrubbery all over Kai and I in the process.

I love my kids. I am so very blessed to have found them. I found both of them from shelters that rescue animals that are to be put down at other shelters due to overpopulation and whatnot. I used petfinder.com to find these shelters--and I highly recommend it! Black cats are the least adopted, and most shelters won't adopt black cats in the month of October due to the fact that some people will harm black cats during Halloween time. I love my black beauties--they are friendly, gorgeous, and lovable--and they also negate any bad luck superstitions. Break a mirror? Forget about it. Walk under a ladder--sure, why not! And if a black cat crosses your path--it's now good luck.

So, if you are looking to expand your family--please adopt from a shelter. It has been said that most shelter animals know they are getting a second shot at life, and therefore ooze gratitude and love. I am eternally grateful for choosing to adopt through a shelter, because I can't imagine my life without my two wonderful children.

Remember that by adopting from a shelter, you are not just saving the life of the family member you are bringing home. You are also saving the life of the one who can now take their spot in the shelter while waiting for their own forever home.

Save a life. Adopt.

Annulment

I got a letter in the mail today. It was from the Archdiocese of Denver...a request for cooperation in getting a marriage annulment.

According to dictionary.com: The invalidation of a marriage, as for nonconsummation, effected by means of a declaration stating that the marriage was never valid.

There was no warning...no email, text, phone call--nothing to let me know it was on its way. Nothing to say, "Hey, could you do this for me?" Low blow. Really low blow.

His family can pretend that I am dead, that I no longer exist--that I never existed. But I refuse to tolerate such treatment from him. He made the decisions--he took the actions that pushed me away, that violated me, that broke our marriage vows. It wasn't me...it may take two to tango....but it only takes one to fall.



I DO EXIST. WHAT YOU DID STILL EXISTS. What was done has not changed. An apology does not negate or excuse your actions. What you did still exists....you cannot erase what you have done. Until you accept what you have done, you will not be able to move on.

Our marriage was valid. You broke my heart. I trusted you...completely. You crushed me. I was honest with you....you admitted that you had been lying to me for years. You asked why I didn't fight you...should I really have to hit my husband? I was not perfect either...but I always tried to make the decision that was best for the both of us. Every choice I made was out of love for you. Can you say the same? We both know the answer.

So, if you want an annulment...you have to talk to me about what happened. That's all I ask. Then, someday very very soon....you can pretend like I don't exist, and I won't care. But what you did will always exist. I hope you remember it everyday. And I hope you never make the same decision again.

Moment

Today...I had a moment. I was rushing around all day...work, appointment, back to work, lunch, appointment...after my last appointment, on my way to my car I saw these flowers. I almost walked right by them...but then I realized that then I'd be missing an amazing moment.

I was leaving the Dr's office after yet another visit about my wrist. Another malady ruled out, prescription for another test. It gets so frustrating some days...just wanting to be better and done. I hate missing work, I hate the pain, I hate the feeling of being weighed down.

But then I saw these flowers....bursting with life from the rock hard ground. Such joy and beauty had found its way, ready to announce that spring is on its way.

There are trials and tribulations. Life is not always easy...it does not always go the way we planned. I hope you are not surprised by those statements...I know I'm not. But sometimes, it's nice to be reminded that there are moments...where we will most definitely be victorious.

When Time Keeps You Waiting....

Lay Low
By Lauren Evans

Lay low, lay low,
Don't run too fast,
Take hold of your feelings if you can.
Lay, low move slow to make it last,
Don't rush a good thing.
Remember when time keeps you waiting,
Don't get impatient,
Just lay low.
Why don't you taste every moment,
Don't waste what you're given,
Just lay low.
_____________________________________

There are days....weeks...months....years...I get ahead of myself. In everything...love, life, work, breathing. I forget to blink. Seriously....I have special contacts to help hydrate my eyes because I can't even remember to take the time to blink.

This song has been on my mind for the past couple days...especially today. I forget that I have time. I forget that things take time--that they need time to grow and blossom...and sometimes I feel as though I am a gardener standing out by my rosebush, through rain and sleet and snow--screaming at my roses to bloom.

If I could just remember...to stop and enjoy the perfectly formed snowflakes as they fall on the seemingly dead limbs, to gaze in wonder at the dew drops forming on the spider web between the leaves, breathe in the morning air as the sun rises on a tiny rosebud forming...then maybe I could more fully appreciate the full glory of a rose in bloom.

Things take time. Everything takes time. Even if I don't want it to...it does and it always will.

For now...time is keeping me waiting. So I will stop, and enjoy the sound of raindrops gently falling on my rosebush while I wait for a tiny rosebud....

Stitch by Stitch

I am very slowly making an afghan for my niece...she doesn't know it yet (and neither does her mother), but I am very excited for it. This is my first attempt...and I am getting there, stitch by stitch.

Sometimes...it's so fitting for life. It takes many moments to build something great...just one stitch at a time....

Marriage, Briefly

Wow...so many things happened today...that I don't know what picture to use for the day...so I guess it will just have to be a surprise.

There is something I really want to write about...but I don't know if it is appropriate yet. So, I will hold that thought briefly.

Today I got to spend the evening with my family celebrating my brother's birthday. It was so nice to spend some time with just the fam...but I also found out my brother called off his engagement completely...which is definitely the good news.

You might think that just because I have been through divorce that I don't believe in marriage anymore. Sometimes I am sure it seems that I am anti-marriage....but let me assure you, I am not.

I still believe that marriage can work. I still believe that marriage has a purpose....that being able to make that commitment to one person is important. I hope that one day I will want to get married again...that next time I will find the one really meant for me...the one who will respect me and be honest with me and love me completely.

I do have difficulty being able to support people who marry young. I remember it all so well, even now...it is so difficult. Trying to bind yourself to another person when you are so completely unsure of who you are yourself. How are you supposed to know if you are "unequally yoked" if you don't even know your own burden yet?

Wanting to spend your life with someone is amazing. Watching that dream unfold, little by little is breath-taking. Being able to walk hand in hand with someone, feeling as though you know this is the one person you can entrust every iota of your being to....is a phenomenal feeling.

But for as euphoric as those moments are....the balance is if things are lost...it's extremely tragic and gut-wrenching.

But I believe that everything worthwhile requires work. The the really truly wonderful and amazing things in life require taking a risk....going way out on a limb...being willing to get totally killed...

It is when you are most vulnerable that you give yourself the most room to grow. You just have to be wise about it....

A Beautiful Day, A Bench, And A Good Friend

Today was a beautiful day...absolutely gorgeous out. I got to go on a long walk and a picnic with someone very dear to my heart...and it made for a marvelous day!

I guess I have a thing with benches...sharing benches with people...having difficult yet wonderful conversations on benches...

This bench will forever be ours. I wish I could walk past it everyday...but I will have to just keep its memory close to my heart. The times we have shared can be replaced by nothing and no one. Each memory will echo in the chambers of my heart like a well timed resonating drumbeat....this is by no means a goodbye. I may be moving, but you are one of my closest friends now, and I hope that never changes.

Sunny afternoons and benches...and me. We make for some great poetry.

My Space, My Place...

Everything is just as I like it...comfy, cozy, warm and calming. My own four walls, my own bed, my own babies...

I have been having difficulty the past few days, just thinking about the fact that in 5 weeks, I have to be moved out of this place. I have to pull myself away from all of the memories, separate myself from all of the moments I had in this house...in my first home on my own.

Forget the moments I chased one love around the house...us running and laughing, promising we would always do this....

Let go of the dance parties I would have by myself in my bedroom in the middle of summer...

Separate myself from the thoughts of cozying up with another love on the couch on a cold snow day, with a serene fire burning in the fireplace...

I have to file away all of these memories....and forget making new ones in this place. This is my home...this is what I have come to know and love. It is hard to imagine my children and I in any other space than this....we are comfy here....we are close and comfortable here....

So why am I moving? Because I know it's time. Because we can change, we can find a new home. We will make new memories...

Journey

A year ago, this album got me through the toughest times. It was part of my last shopping trip using my old card with my old last name...using our joint account and "our" money.

I tried to put this cd in my car the night I bought it. I remember being so frustrated because all I wanted to hear was "Don't Stop Believin'," but for some reason my cd player was kind of broken at the time, and I couldn't get the cd to go in and actually play. It would just spit the disc right back out...I tried for 2 days, then finally it went in!!

I cannot explain the euphoria I felt when i was finally hearing those notes coming out of my speakers...I wanted to jump for joy...

This disc came to represent so much of the months following my divorce. I listened to this cd for about 3 months solid after I left. I would drive into work with "Don't Stop Believin" on repeat...some mornings it was the only thing that made me feel strong enough to make it to work.

But I listened to this cd as I learned to love and trust again...and every song reminds me of the new-found freedom I discovered only one year ago. I still love to put this disc on...and with the opening riffs of "Only The Young," my heart once again soars, and I am reminded once again of the freedom and joy I have gained....

A Friend Indeed

Yesterday was a rough day at work...the end of the day anyway. I was tired, had a long day at work, and was burnt out because of some frustrating events at work. I seriously was bound to go home, hole up and just be in kind of a depressed mood...so I put my ipod on and walked to my car, all alone through the streets, ignoring the passersby...

And then I get to my car and notice there's something in the door handle. I pull it out and...I find a note from Emmy! I was beyond ecstatic!! I love getting notes and letters--which I actually don't often get--and so to find this at the end of the day was like finding a pot of gold in the light at the end of the tunnel!!

So thanks Em!! It means so much...

Walking Away

There are some days that I just look at a part of the shop...a part of my second home...and wonder what it is going to be like in a couple months when I won't be here any more. It seems so surreal to me. This building, these walls have been my home for so long, that I am curious to know how I will feel once they are strange to me...

I have walked these very steps at least every weekday for the past 7 years. Whose feet will fall in my steps once I am gone? Where will my new path lead me?

It may not be anything grand...but it's mine. I remember when the raccoon lived under the bench, when people broke into the shop just to play with the toys, when Ted's computer was stolen, hours and hours of plastering face casts...

So much of it is so vivid...like it was just yesterday that Sandy took over my ruffle while I worked on her dress, last week that I walked across the stage and accepted my "diploma cover," last weekend that we were dyeing yards and yards of flannel varying shades of yellow....only a couple weeks ago I decided that I wanted to work in theatre because of the passion I witnessed in this very department...

One day soon...this will no longer be my home. I will have to make a new one for myself...and I will have to accept the strangeness that will come...

Time to Bloom

Time to bloom,
Time to grow...
Give me room
And to you I'll show--
Just how big a heart,
Just how strong I can be.
My life is fine art,
Or at least it is to me--
Each day I blossom a little more,
Each minute, my wings unfurl a bit stronger...
I feel it all deep inside my core--
I'll keep it mine a little longer.

Give me time to bloom...
Give me time to grow.
And soon you'll find,
It is my time to Bloom.

Cold Coloradans...

The funniest part is...
We are gathered around a space heater...
And we have to head back to CO in just a few short hours...
Hilarious.