Giving up...

I think that I am finally giving up.

Throwing in the towel.

Done.

I don't think I want to date (or try to date) any more.

There. I said it. Whew.

I don't know how this is supposed to work, and I don't know what I am supposed to do or feel. I remember...what it felt like to be in love--what it felt like to love someone--to be falling in love with someone.

I had this thought...I think that love is my drug of choice. I want it so badly, that I have been desperately trying to obtain it, but it cannot be bought or acquired lightly. Of course.

Here's why I am giving up..well, the top 10 reasons:

1) I don't get asked on dates anyway.
My friends say it's because I am a "strong woman" who "knows what she wants." Whatever. I don't even care anymore. All I know is that in the last year and a half, only one person has been brave/crazy enough to actually ask to take me on a date. Major brownie points just for even asking. (Fact: this means that I have only been asked on a date once since I was 17.)

2) I am the most awkward individual on the planet.
It's true. The Empress of Awkward. I am not smooth or cool or anything awesome when I am nervous. Going on dates--or even just "non-date dates"--makes me nervous. So I often run into doorways, pull doors open too fast, trip on my own two feet, and talk WAY too much.

3) I am too shy to ask anyone out on a date.
Sorry, probably should have put this after #1. But I know this is what you all were thinking anyway. I should just ask someone out if I want to...yeah, that doesn't work for me...I am just that shy. Really. REALLY.

4) I don't know what to feel.
I want to feel something....sparks, fireworks, magic. Part of the problem is, even if I feel something...I am not sure what it is. My little robotic heart is still trying to figure all this out...

5) It is time consuming.
Trying to find someone to date, and then going on dates....it's really cutting into my crochet time...yeah, I am really going to actually say that.

6) I am afraid of commitment at the moment.
I think. Maybe. I don't know. I think that I am afraid that I won't be ready to commit to anything...that should something awesome come along, I'll get cold feet. I just don't feel like I can promise anyone anything right now.

7) I don't feel deserving of a relationship.
OK--I don't feel worthy of a good, well functioning relationship. Don't worry, I am in therapy weekly. I'm working on it.

8) I am tired of taking care of someone else and not being taken care of.
It's my own fault--because I love to care and nurture people...and I don't have the easiest time letting someone take care of me. Please refer to second part of #7.

9) I like to flirt...and be flirted with.
My ex husband was so jealous all of the time--he never trusted me and it is definitely one thing that tore our marriage apart. I am just learning to flirt well, and I am not sure that I am ready to stop in order to be in a relationship.

10) I am not sure I believe in it all anymore.
And I am tired of having my heart broken. Yeah, even a robot heart can break. Call me jaded. Call me a twit. Call me hopeless. Whatever. I am battling in my heart whether I actually think it all can be true...happily ever after. Because if there's really no chance, or if the chances are so slim, or if it's just going to end like my last "fairy tale ending"....then I am not sure it's worth it.

So there you have it...that rounds out the top 10 reasons why I am giving up trying to date.

Stay tuned for "The Price is Right!!"