Alcohol.

Oh boy...this one is a constant battle for me.

I struggle almost daily with how I feel about alcohol--how much others consume as well as my own consumption.

For myself--I find it very difficult to find a good balance of consumption. Mainly that's because it takes only 2 drinks for me to feel drunk. I will go out with friends or be at a party, and people will say "Oh--you can have just one!" But it's not true for me. I cannot have just one drink and feel comfortable enough to drive--at least not for 6 hours or so. I find that when I do decide to drink, that later I feel as though I drank too much, even though I rarely have more than 2 drinks.

For others--I find all too often that there are people who seem to feel as though they cannot have fun without consuming. Or they use it as an escape...and often I am left with a feeling of sadness.

Can we not enjoy each others' company without substances to make us feel uninhibited and more at ease; without substances that "let us" push the envelope and be crazy; without substances that give us excuses for our behavior?

I grew up with an alcoholic Mother. She was addicted to alcohol, and I am sure she still is, even though she drinks way less than she used to. Our relationship faltered partially due to her substance abuse...I spent many years wishing for the Mother that I knew I had, wishing that we would be like everyone else. We never were, and we still aren't. Fortunately, we have come to a point where we understand each other--and have to come love each other just as we are. I am also very fortunate that I had a great Step-mom and Grandmother who stepped up to the plate, and really helped shape the person that I am today.

I fear becoming addicted to alcohol because of my Mother. I know that alcoholism is a disease, and sometimes genetic. So I have grown to be very aware of my consumption...because I never want alcohol to come between me and those I love.

My last dilemma with alcohol is my health. If you catch my other blog (not nearly as attended to as this one), you know that I am a lactosucrovegetard. I try to pay attention very closely to how my body works, and what output I get from what I put into it. I wasn't always this way--this started when I was in college. I had pain and some other issues (addressed in one of the other two still in the works) and had to go in for blood tests. They told me that my liver enzymes were at the upper limit of what they should be, so I would have to come back in a month for more tests. I went back a month later, and it was even worse. The doctor told me to stop drinking entirely--which was not a problem because I hardly drank anyway. Yet, each month--my liver got worse. I stopped eating dairy, stopped taking acetaminophen, stopped drinking soda...and my liver kept getting worse until finally the doctor told me that every morning I needed to look in the mirror to make sure I wasn't yellow from jaundice.

After about a year, one blood test came back normal--finally. My liver enzymes had spiked at more than 4 times the upper limit, but finally I was "healthy." I don't ever want to go through that whole thing again...so I still don't drink soda, I don't take acetaminophen, I don't eat dairy...

So why do I drink?

Because it makes me more fun.
Because it relieves some of my social anxiety.
Because it can be fun.
Because it calms some of my OCD tendencies.
Because it gives me an excuse to act crazy.
Because it slows down my brain so I feel calmer.
Because everyone else does.

Why do I hate drinking?

Because I believe that people can have fun without drinking.
Because it makes me feel clumsy.
Because it makes me feel self-conscious.
Because it means I can't drive.
Because it makes me feel sick.
Because it gives me headaches.
Because it makes me forget things.
Because it slows down my brain so I can't think on my feet as quickly.
Because I was drunk the last night my ex-husband ever touched me.

So, it has taken me a few days to decide--but I have decided that I am going to have a sober summer. From now until the time I move to California, I am not going to drink alcohol. No hard liquor, no beer, no wine, no excuses. It is time to put my money where my mouth is, and have fun without getting drunk.

I have been battling--trying to decide who I am doing this for. Am I doing this for myself--to prove that I am not addicted, and that I can have fun and be fun without drinking? Or am I doing it for others, so that they can see that we can enjoy each others' company without getting drunk?

Honestly--I am not sure. But in the end, I guess it doesn't really matter. I know I am at least partially doing it for myself--and that is what matters the most.

So, I won't be offended if people decide to drink around me. I won't be offended if someone offers me a drink. Everyone gets to make their own choices, and this is mine. Just like I don't believe in pushing vegetarianism on everyone, I don't believe that everyone needs to give up drinking.

I hope that at the end of this, I will know a little bit more about how I feel about this--and maybe even get close to finishing this battle.