Farewells...

There have been so many goodbyes lately...and I know there are more to come. It just makes me think ahead to when I will be leaving....and when I have to say all my goodbyes...

And it's running out....

Every time I turn around,
I don't know where the time has disappeared to...

More time please...

Time flies...

Sometimes...

There is just not enough time.

Just Dance...

Spin that record babe...

Dancing is so much more fun,
When you don't care what anyone thinks.

So just dance.

Starting up a brand new day...

A new day,
Full of wonderful memories...
And lots of hope.

Lunch...

There are so many reasons to smile...and celebrate life.

Of Life and Love...

So, I have been thinking for some time that I wanted to change the title of my blog. It's still very much about who I am and who I am becoming, but I think that the focus has changed a bit.

Last summer I started this series of artwork....I am not sure what to call them since they're not paintings, drawings, or anything that can be labeled easily. You can see what I mean in Nothing so Promising. But the series is called "Of Life and Love," and I have liked the sound of that for the direction my blog is starting to take.

I may still be afraid of Love. I might still not know what it means, how it feels, or how to find it. I might not even believe in the "happily ever after" or love at first sight....or everlasting love.

But I am going to try.

I choose to love...I choose to believe that it still exists--that it still has the power to reverberate through my ribcage and into my soul.

I believe in a pot of coffee.....made just for the smell in the morning, though no one drinks it. Small and inconsequential....but that is Love.

My Grandma told me once that there were days that she and Grandpa had to make the choice to continue to love each other...that it didn't always come easy. That is my inspiration for choosing to believe that love still exists...it doesn't always come easy...it is not always obvious...but it must be out there somewhere.

And I have no idea what direction my life will take me. I have no idea what I want to do with my life...other than be happy, love others, and help others. I want to live a life that is free from as many burdens as possible...free from unrealistic expectations, limitations and oppression.

Of Life and Love,
And everything in between...
Of mice and men,
And big dreams...

This life is for living,
This heart is for loving.
My days are my own,
My smiles are to share...

Of life and Love,
And everything in between...
What will become of me,
Is yet to be seen.

Family History...

I have been working on this post for a while. I haven't quite been sure how it would turn out, but here it is...it's all I've got for now.

There's no easy way to start this I think, so I will start at the beginning...when I was 19, I was told that there is a distinct possibility that I will never be able to have children. And by "have children," I mean give birth.

I had some health problems during my sophomore year of college, which lead to a series of blood tests--every other month for a year, going to different doctors, not really understanding what the hell was going on...

This was when I found out I was lactose intolerant. I like to laugh at the fact that my family used to be dairy farmers...now all of us future generations are lactards.

But during this series of blood tests, I was told that I have not one--but two reproductive disorders. I was first diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. (Read about it on the link if you would like.) Basically, what I get from this one is a lot of pain. I develop cysts on my ovaries, which then burst. Some months I will be totally fine, other months I will live bent in half to try and stifle the pain.

I was then told that I also most likely have Endometriosis. (Read about is as well if you like, I am not going to go into depth about it.) Since I was so young when I was given this potential diagnosis, they didn't want to do exploratory surgery to confirm--which is what I was told was the only was to confirm this diagnosis.

So, in short: both cause me a bit of pain. I like to say that it feels like someone is taking crochet hooks to my innards, and pulling and ripping them apart, with stabs from knitting needles every now and then. (Yes, I just used my craft supplies to describe pain....)

Frankly, I am used to the pain. I have always had a high pain tolerance, so for the most part it is no big deal. This is not what this blog is really about, this is just all back story...

So, I have a family history of these things...but I also have a family history of cervical cancer. So when I discovered an abnormal growth on my cervix a few weeks ago, I began to worry.

I did the usual, "Oh wait a week and see what happens." And nothing changed. So I began the online research phase of, "What else could it be?" And of course there were a whole host of things it could be...one of which being cervical cancer.

So I waited another week. This is the kind of thing you do when you don't have health insurance.

After a grand total of 3 weeks, I finally confided in some friends what I was thinking and feeling. They were all supportive, and reassured me that it was probably nothing. But when you're an insomniac, and you're alone and awake at all hours of the night, your mind is not always as forgiving...

So finally I decided I should call the doctor. I hate going to the doctor. HATE. A lot. After deciding to procrastinate just one more day, I discovered that the growth was gone. I was elated!!

Turns out it was most likely something to do with my other reproductive disorders. But given my family history, I spent a couple weeks worried as hell that I had cancer.

I am so thankful for the outcome I got. I know not everyone is so fortunate...

So, there's another thing that runs in the family...awesome.

It's 3AM I must be lonely...

In case you were wondering....I do often alter the post times and dates of my posts in order to fit into my "post-a-day" theme. Some days I just can't get to the computer, so I make notes on my phone and then blog later...but there are days like today. The time stamp is real, but I changed it a day earlier. Because while the rest of the world is revving up for Monday morning, it is still Sunday night to me.

I am eating "dinner," some granola and orange juice straight out of the carton...yeah, I am that awesome.

I want to be playing my guitar, hanging out with friends, running errands....but the world is stopped at this hour. So why I am once again wide awake...alone in a world that is so cold and dark?

I am not sure the answer. Someone asked me the other day if I had always been an insomniac--and no, I haven't. But it forced me to think about when my insomnia started...

It was about a year ago...it was last May. I am not sure why...I'm still thinking about it.

Well, maybe I will do some ironing...that's quiet. Or just force myself to sleep. I do need to be awake and up and about in 6 hours or so...

Anywho--if you are ever awake at this odd hours too--feel free to call. I doubt you'll wake me. ;-)

Robot

I have a tin can heart.

It's been that way as long as I can remember. I think it really started when my parents got divorced--I blocked all of my emotions to do my best to keep our family together, to keep my brother safe. From the time of my parents divorce until my Grandpa's death about 10 years later--I didn't cry. Not for anyone, not for anything.

I kept everything locked up inside, hoping that by decreasing myself I would be more helpful to everyone else. What I ended up with was a part of me lost, rusted, tossed aside and dead.

I became a cutter when I was in high school. I finally got to the point that I wanted to feel something--even if it was pain. It was an emotion that I could control--it felt like an amazing release. I remember spending afternoons locked up in my room, slowly cutting away--neat geometric patterns on my thighs. I remember explaining to my friend when she saw a little that my cat had gotten me really badly the day before. I remember my first cuts--absolutely blatant on the back of my hand. No one said anything.

I cut for about a year and a half. Then I realized that part of what made me want to cut was the relationship I was in--and when he was gone, I was happier. So as soon as that relationship ended--I stopped. But I still remember why I started.

There are pieces of me that feel so robotic. My heart, with its ability to turn off emotion--or at least stash it away. My brain--constantly analytical, afraid to let my heart rule. Sometimes unable to process matters of the heart and soul. And my hand and wrist--they demonstrate how the other parts of me feel sometimes. When it is very cold out, and my left hand and wrist get too cold--I can barely move my hand and fingers. I can barely move my wrist. The result is a slow-motion movement of what I actually want to be doing. It's as though there is an eternity of processing time between my head and my hand.

I am battling the urge to continue to embrace the robotic solely. For me, it is the much easier road--the much more logical road. Why would I want to embrace that which I cannot control? That which I cannot predict? But a robot never feels elation, or the butterflies of a new love, the tenderness of love from a young child, the warmth from a cuddle. There will be heartbreak, and sorrow, and even more sleepless nights...but it is a decent price to pay to have a life filled with love.

If you think that someone you know may be a cutter--or you are one yourself--here's a link to get you started: Help with Self-Harm.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
11001110010000001101011100110000
In this robot heart of mine,
All I have is time...
I try to translate x's and o's,
But all that comes out
Are 1's and 0's....
A mess that
"Does not compute."

Dunes

I got back today from a trip to the sand dunes with some girl friends....it was so awesome!

I really love the dunes. I went there for the first time last May, and I fell in love. I felt the same way when I saw them yesterday...

I have so much to say...but my brain is racing. So I guess I will have to write more another day...

First Day of my Life...

So I thought I'd let you know...

That these things take forever...

I especially am slow....

Fake clothes for fake people...

I had a thought the other day at lunch with a friend...

What have I done with my life thus far?

I have made fake clothes for fake people.

Clothes that belong in the imaginary closets of imaginary people. They went to imaginary stores, tried on the clothes in imaginary dressing rooms, were dressed by imaginary servants, payed with imaginary money, and lead entirely imaginary lives.

Is my work imaginary too? Have the past 7 years of my life really meant nothing, except to the imaginary people of the world?

I am trying to work all this out in my brain. I am so burned out on sewing...I can't continue to make fake clothes for fake people...but now what??

I find myself feeling that I am redefining myself. Which is mostly true. I have spent all my life defining myself by what I do to make money--and I am tired of it.

What do I do?

I take care of people.
I love my family.
I love my friends.
I care for my children.
I write.
I paint.
I sculpt.
I create artwork.
I walk on the beach.
I live life to the fullest.

That is a short list of what I do. I am no longer defined by what I do professionally.

I am who I am.

Whomever that is.

Alcohol.

Oh boy...this one is a constant battle for me.

I struggle almost daily with how I feel about alcohol--how much others consume as well as my own consumption.

For myself--I find it very difficult to find a good balance of consumption. Mainly that's because it takes only 2 drinks for me to feel drunk. I will go out with friends or be at a party, and people will say "Oh--you can have just one!" But it's not true for me. I cannot have just one drink and feel comfortable enough to drive--at least not for 6 hours or so. I find that when I do decide to drink, that later I feel as though I drank too much, even though I rarely have more than 2 drinks.

For others--I find all too often that there are people who seem to feel as though they cannot have fun without consuming. Or they use it as an escape...and often I am left with a feeling of sadness.

Can we not enjoy each others' company without substances to make us feel uninhibited and more at ease; without substances that "let us" push the envelope and be crazy; without substances that give us excuses for our behavior?

I grew up with an alcoholic Mother. She was addicted to alcohol, and I am sure she still is, even though she drinks way less than she used to. Our relationship faltered partially due to her substance abuse...I spent many years wishing for the Mother that I knew I had, wishing that we would be like everyone else. We never were, and we still aren't. Fortunately, we have come to a point where we understand each other--and have to come love each other just as we are. I am also very fortunate that I had a great Step-mom and Grandmother who stepped up to the plate, and really helped shape the person that I am today.

I fear becoming addicted to alcohol because of my Mother. I know that alcoholism is a disease, and sometimes genetic. So I have grown to be very aware of my consumption...because I never want alcohol to come between me and those I love.

My last dilemma with alcohol is my health. If you catch my other blog (not nearly as attended to as this one), you know that I am a lactosucrovegetard. I try to pay attention very closely to how my body works, and what output I get from what I put into it. I wasn't always this way--this started when I was in college. I had pain and some other issues (addressed in one of the other two still in the works) and had to go in for blood tests. They told me that my liver enzymes were at the upper limit of what they should be, so I would have to come back in a month for more tests. I went back a month later, and it was even worse. The doctor told me to stop drinking entirely--which was not a problem because I hardly drank anyway. Yet, each month--my liver got worse. I stopped eating dairy, stopped taking acetaminophen, stopped drinking soda...and my liver kept getting worse until finally the doctor told me that every morning I needed to look in the mirror to make sure I wasn't yellow from jaundice.

After about a year, one blood test came back normal--finally. My liver enzymes had spiked at more than 4 times the upper limit, but finally I was "healthy." I don't ever want to go through that whole thing again...so I still don't drink soda, I don't take acetaminophen, I don't eat dairy...

So why do I drink?

Because it makes me more fun.
Because it relieves some of my social anxiety.
Because it can be fun.
Because it calms some of my OCD tendencies.
Because it gives me an excuse to act crazy.
Because it slows down my brain so I feel calmer.
Because everyone else does.

Why do I hate drinking?

Because I believe that people can have fun without drinking.
Because it makes me feel clumsy.
Because it makes me feel self-conscious.
Because it means I can't drive.
Because it makes me feel sick.
Because it gives me headaches.
Because it makes me forget things.
Because it slows down my brain so I can't think on my feet as quickly.
Because I was drunk the last night my ex-husband ever touched me.

So, it has taken me a few days to decide--but I have decided that I am going to have a sober summer. From now until the time I move to California, I am not going to drink alcohol. No hard liquor, no beer, no wine, no excuses. It is time to put my money where my mouth is, and have fun without getting drunk.

I have been battling--trying to decide who I am doing this for. Am I doing this for myself--to prove that I am not addicted, and that I can have fun and be fun without drinking? Or am I doing it for others, so that they can see that we can enjoy each others' company without getting drunk?

Honestly--I am not sure. But in the end, I guess it doesn't really matter. I know I am at least partially doing it for myself--and that is what matters the most.

So, I won't be offended if people decide to drink around me. I won't be offended if someone offers me a drink. Everyone gets to make their own choices, and this is mine. Just like I don't believe in pushing vegetarianism on everyone, I don't believe that everyone needs to give up drinking.

I hope that at the end of this, I will know a little bit more about how I feel about this--and maybe even get close to finishing this battle.

Postings...

So, it may take me a few days to get the posts that I am working on complete and up. I have 3 in the process, but they are a little heavier than my usual fare.

And as for the pics--they exist, but my external hard drive is still not working, so it is more difficult for me to post pic frequently. Don't worry--they'll be up soon.

Until then--live, laugh and love. And Star Wars.

Anxiety...

So, this week I let it get the best of me...

Anxiety...

And stress.

Hence why my blog has not been updated whatsoever. For me, I know I am not doing so hot when I miss so many days on my blog...

I was feeling so much like a deciduous tree in May...that weight bearing down on me...I don't always know why--sometimes, it just is that way.

I continue to remind myself...I know I hate to disappoint...or to feel as though I have disappointed someone.

Someday, I will be free.

Friends...

There are days it is just nice to remember that there are always friends to help detangle the messes of life.

Thanks...I don't know what I would do without you.

What do you say?

Taking Chances
by Celine Dion

Don't know much about your life,
Don't know much about your world, but
Don't want to be alone tonight,
On this planet they call earth.

You don't know about my past, and
I don't have a future figured out.
And maybe this is going too fast,
And maybe it's not meant to last.

But what do you say to takin' chances,
What do you say to jumpin' off the edge?
Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or a hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say,
What do you say?

I just want to start again,
And maybe you could show me how to try,
And maybe you could take me in,
Somewhere underneath your skin?

But what do you say to takin' chances,
What do you say to jumpin' off the edge?
Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or a hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say,
What do you say?

And I had my heart beaten down,
But I always come back for more, yeah.
There's nothing like love to pull you up,
When you're lying on the floor there.
So talk to me, talk to me,
Like lovers do.
Yeah walk with me, walk with me,
Like lovers do.
Like lovers do.

But what do you say to takin' chances,
What do you say to jumpin' off the edge?
Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or a hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say,
What do you say?

Don't know much about your life,
And I don't know much about your world.
_________________________________

Part of me feels this song completely....

The other part of me is running to hide far far away...

Completely separated from any chance of heartbreak.

Break down and cry...

Some moments, this is all I want to do.

Just be weak for a moment, be human.

Be the person I know is hiding inside.

But as soon as I think I have the confidence, something crushes it again.

I don't know how to just be...vulnerable....completely open...

I don't know how to let someone see me be weak...

...though some days I am desperate for someone to hold me and tell me it's alright, and that I don't have to be afraid.

Deciduous Trees in May...

Lately, I often feel like a deciduous tree in May. We had a late snow--a really dense, wet snow...and when that happens at this time of year--after the trees have started to bloom, then the weight of the world seem to be on every tree. They bend, lower and lower to the ground, hunched over as though they were Atlas.

This is how I feel of late...the weight of past decisions, current events in my own life, the expectations of others, limitations of the world...desires for my own life...

I feel it weighing down on me,
And I wonder if this is how it should be.
My back bent to breaking,
My heart constantly aching...
Can I shake this burden?

As the sun rises,
I pray that my life is
Just beginning,
And starting anew.
I feel the sun shine,
And I remember--
It just takes time.

I wait...
And wait...
To feel the sun warm me,
After the snow has melted away,
After the winter of my heart has ended...

As it helps me shake away,
Melt away,
the weight of the world...
Off my bending, breaking shoulders...
Off my battered and bruised heart.

Then...
I will find freedom in nothing more
Than the spring breeze
Rustling through the leaves...
As I learn to live my life
Just as I please.

"You won't be single for long...."

This sentiment kind of cracks me up.

I have heard it quite often lately--even over the past year. And yet, I am still single.

People are so shocked when I tell them I don't really get asked out on dates....they act so surprised, like the sun rose in the west or something.

I guess maybe I am just used to it, or whatever. I am used to feeling unapproachable, undesirable...despite my efforts to be friendly, open and honest....

I guess maybe that I am also OK with it at the moment. I am learning what it means to be single, how it feels, all the trials and tribulations...and accepting the awkwardness...

But life likes curve balls.

And I am pretty sure that's at least one reason why I got asked out on a date tonight.

Because of all things....

Day Off...

It has been quite some time since I have had a full day off to myself. Of course I stayed up very late...or very early, depending on how you look at it...working on a dress for my niece. But then I slept in very late, and then got to skype with Poosh for a whole hour. I ran out and did a little shopping, and now I am about to start some baking before heading off for a movie night with a friend.

I always forget how important it is to have alone time...to have time to myself....even just to have time to decide to do what I want. To be able to run out to the store and grab what I need, to stop and do the laundry, to just lay in bed with the cats for an extra hour...is amazing. Especially the cat part...I so so very much love cuddling up in bed with my babies. Lately they have both taken to cuddling up close, and I absolutely love it. There is nothing like holding one purring cat in one hand, and nestling the other who's laying their chest across your ear, so all you can hear is the sweet purr resonating through their chest and the peaceful beat of their heart.

One of these days I am going to spend the entire day in bed with my babies....I can't wait.

No longer a teacher...

This was my first Monday in a long time not being in a teacher role.

It's going to feel weird....but I am looking forward to it.

I have spent the last 7 years...ok...more like 19 years feeling the need to be a teacher and a role model. Ever since my parents got divorced, I have felt the need to be better and stronger than I was, and I always felt like I needed to be the perfect role model--for my brother, for my friends, for my students.

My brother is doing awesome with his life. I am so proud of the person he's become, and the father he is. He is in school, doing extremely well at work--he seems to be getting promoted all the time--and he is a great father to his wonderful daughter.

Check.

My friends all have their own lives...they make their own decisions, they have their own paths....and I have learned that what I say and do does not have too great of an impact on any of them. They are all doing well--and I am proud to know them.

Check.

I have spent the last 7 years working with students. The first semester of my sophomore year of college, I was asked to work in the Costume Shop and I ended up helping teach sewing labs. Since that moment I felt a great sense of responsibility to my coworkers and students to be of "upmost standing" in all that I did. But time has run out...it's not that there are no more students, or that they are all doing awesomely and don't need me, but I am no longer their teacher. I am proud of all (ok...MOST) of the students who have come through my shop. They are moving on with their lives.

Check.

So now it's time to move on with my life. Not that I don't want to continue to be a good role model for my nieces and nephews, or that I want to have a wild crazy time. It is just kind of nice to not have so much pressure...even though I know it's mostly from myself.

I am learning to let go, and go with the flow. I have no concrete plans for when I move (in less than 12 weeks!!) and I am ok with that. I am fine with waiting to see what the world dishes up, waiting to see where the wind carries me...waiting to see what it is my heart truly desires.

It's a brand new day.

Frog Prince

So, I couldn't resist doing a second post today. Ted hired me to sculpt a "frog prince" for a project he is doing, and so that is what I spent my afternoon doing.

Off of the coat tails of my Giving Up post, I felt it rather appropriate that I got stuck thinking about magical princes and princesses and the "magic" of "true love."

Why are we incessantly read fairy tales as children? Why are we taught to believe that love is magical and that "someday our prince will come," only to have the truth force-fed to us years later? Does it make sense to grow up believing in "happily ever after" only to have that dream shattered?

So I find myself up against a wall. Do I continue to believe (somewhere....deep down in the tiny cracks of my heart) that there is a "prince" and a "happily ever after" for me? Or do I forget it all, and start writing my own tale--one without magic or sparks...or fate or dreams?

Somehow, kissing a few frogs just to find your prince doesn't seem so bad after all.

Happy Mother's Day

To all my Mothers,
And all those who played Mother,
Thank you.

You are the strongest women I know.

Thank you so very much.

I am so thankful that I am lucky enough to be the mother to two wonderful, beautiful, loving cats. They are my own children, and every day I thank God for them.

Happy Mother's Day.

(These are old pics--not for pic of the day.)

Giving up...

I think that I am finally giving up.

Throwing in the towel.

Done.

I don't think I want to date (or try to date) any more.

There. I said it. Whew.

I don't know how this is supposed to work, and I don't know what I am supposed to do or feel. I remember...what it felt like to be in love--what it felt like to love someone--to be falling in love with someone.

I had this thought...I think that love is my drug of choice. I want it so badly, that I have been desperately trying to obtain it, but it cannot be bought or acquired lightly. Of course.

Here's why I am giving up..well, the top 10 reasons:

1) I don't get asked on dates anyway.
My friends say it's because I am a "strong woman" who "knows what she wants." Whatever. I don't even care anymore. All I know is that in the last year and a half, only one person has been brave/crazy enough to actually ask to take me on a date. Major brownie points just for even asking. (Fact: this means that I have only been asked on a date once since I was 17.)

2) I am the most awkward individual on the planet.
It's true. The Empress of Awkward. I am not smooth or cool or anything awesome when I am nervous. Going on dates--or even just "non-date dates"--makes me nervous. So I often run into doorways, pull doors open too fast, trip on my own two feet, and talk WAY too much.

3) I am too shy to ask anyone out on a date.
Sorry, probably should have put this after #1. But I know this is what you all were thinking anyway. I should just ask someone out if I want to...yeah, that doesn't work for me...I am just that shy. Really. REALLY.

4) I don't know what to feel.
I want to feel something....sparks, fireworks, magic. Part of the problem is, even if I feel something...I am not sure what it is. My little robotic heart is still trying to figure all this out...

5) It is time consuming.
Trying to find someone to date, and then going on dates....it's really cutting into my crochet time...yeah, I am really going to actually say that.

6) I am afraid of commitment at the moment.
I think. Maybe. I don't know. I think that I am afraid that I won't be ready to commit to anything...that should something awesome come along, I'll get cold feet. I just don't feel like I can promise anyone anything right now.

7) I don't feel deserving of a relationship.
OK--I don't feel worthy of a good, well functioning relationship. Don't worry, I am in therapy weekly. I'm working on it.

8) I am tired of taking care of someone else and not being taken care of.
It's my own fault--because I love to care and nurture people...and I don't have the easiest time letting someone take care of me. Please refer to second part of #7.

9) I like to flirt...and be flirted with.
My ex husband was so jealous all of the time--he never trusted me and it is definitely one thing that tore our marriage apart. I am just learning to flirt well, and I am not sure that I am ready to stop in order to be in a relationship.

10) I am not sure I believe in it all anymore.
And I am tired of having my heart broken. Yeah, even a robot heart can break. Call me jaded. Call me a twit. Call me hopeless. Whatever. I am battling in my heart whether I actually think it all can be true...happily ever after. Because if there's really no chance, or if the chances are so slim, or if it's just going to end like my last "fairy tale ending"....then I am not sure it's worth it.

So there you have it...that rounds out the top 10 reasons why I am giving up trying to date.

Stay tuned for "The Price is Right!!"

Last day....Last Graduation...

It was my home.

I wanted to say that yesterday...but it wasn't quite true yet.

It is so hard to believe, that this place that I have spent most of my time over the past 7 years, is now going to become nothing but memories.

My entire marriage was encased within these walls...almost my entire relationship.

I found friends, lost friends. Failed, passed and surpassed. Thrived and barely survived. Laughed, cried, screamed, whispered and listened.

Most importantly, I lost myself...and started to find myself again. I am more able to answer the question my blog poses now then I was when I started here.

I left early today...really early. Ted and I stood through graduation, and then I left. I had packed my drawer, emptied my notebook...took most of the traces of myself away. I will be back there on Monday for one last day of cleaning...but it's not the same...

Graduation was today. Ted and I have faithfully stood through so many together...always leaving early. But today, we stayed for the whole thing. I realized that the class what was graduating were the freshmen the year I started in this job. A complete cycle...

My heart rose and fell all throughout the ceremony. I remember so well what it was like to be on that stage, feeling the weight of the world fall behind you as you realize that now you are entering the "real world," filled with hopes and dreams. It was only 4 years ago...but it seems so much longer....

I have to hold on and let go, all at the same time.

Hold on to the memories, the lessons, the love.

And let go of everything else....

And spread my wings...

And see where the wind takes me.

Congratulations Graduates.
Thank you everyone...it has been my pleasure.

Last Night Leaving the Shop Alone...

I guess I wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

I frantically finished Emmy's dress...working until the early morning in the shop. As soon as I finished....I looked around and realized that this would be the last project I completed while still the Costume Shop Foreman. The room was a mess, of black and white and red, pattern pieces and dress forms.

But it is my home.

For 7 years, this place has been my home....

More tomorrow....

I am afraid to lose...

I realized...that so much of what I do (and don't do) is simply because I am afraid to lose or miss out.

I find myself getting stuck in situations that I don't know how to get out of, because I am afraid of losing. I don't want to lose friends, or the possibility of a relationship, or the trust of a friend, or a variety of things...so I am afraid to walk away from anything...I am afraid to let go.

You may wonder where this came from...well, I just got caught up on Glee...and the most recent episode "Bad Reputation" is what made me realize all of this. (Yes, I totally just linked it. Booyah.)

I don't want to hurt anyone....but I am not always sure of what I want. I try to be clear and honest, but I am not always sure that I am clear, or that I am heard.

It doesn't help that they were all singing 80's songs (my no-so-secret favorites)...including Total Eclipse of the Heart. (The original music video is so crazy!!!) I'm not going to post the lyrics, I'll save that for another post...

I already knew this about myself. I ignored it for so long, and I don't know how to change. I know it is one of the reasons I have been so hesitant about searching for and committing to any sort of dating relationship.

There is so much more to be said here, but I will save it for another time. I need to get back to work. ;-)

Death and dying...

Sorry, this pic is not for the faint of heart. But I saw this squirrel lying on the pavement when I drove up to the driveway this afternoon, and wanted to make sure it was dead and not sleeping...yeah, I know...

So, I was heartbroken to see him dead....but even worse was the blood trail. It tells me he was injured and alive as he ran around....and then he died.

I always hate seeing dead animals on the side of the road...I always have. I remember as a child I would imagine the souls of those dead animals becoming angels...or their souls migrating elsewhere.

Poor little squirrel. Sigh. I am sad that he did not get to see one more summer.....

Moments to Midnight...

I lie awake and ponder,
As my mind starts to wander...
All my thoughts come pouring out,
As my heart fills with doubt.
What will I do? Who will I be?
Who will I find to stand with me?
It's only minutes to midnight,
And I feel full of fright...
There's so little time,
Until the clock will chime...
And leave me standing,
Alone on some landing,
All full of thought,
And completely caught...

Last Monday...

What more is there to say?

My last Monday in this job...last one...ever.

It's feels a little like graduating all over again....only a lot sadder.

Little Heart....

I wish that you could see,
See inside of me.
All the little holes,
All the missing pieces,
All the broken parts,
All that is my little heart.

I wish that you could see,
See inside of me.
All the big dreams,
All the joy of love,
All the hope of tomorrow,
All that is my little heart.

I wish that you could see,
See inside of me,
See the brokenness,
See the hopelessness,
See the tenaciousness,
See all that is my little heart.

I wish that you could see,
See inside of me.
I wish that you could see...
How I long to be...
Just you and me...
I wish that you could see,
How love could be.

All inside this little heart.

Busy

So, my blogs have been short and sporadic, off-topic and unconventional--even for me.

Many apologies.

The past 6 weeks have been really busy, and really trying. I was working a lot, going through a lot of stuff, trying to sort things out mentally, and moving! So I am sorry for the craziness that is my blog during the past few weeks.

I haven't really been able to address all of the thoughts that have been running through my head, simply because I have not had the time. I haven't even written in my journal in months...

So, now that things are slowing down, I am going to try my best to keep this up to speed--with my thoughts and with my pictures. Fortunately, I have yet to miss a day with the pics!

There will probably be more random postings as I try to get into words all of my thoughts and feelings of the last few weeks...so please bear with me. But I also did just learn how to hyperlink something into my blog!! So expect much more of that!! ;-)

Thank you all again for taking the time to read my blog, I truly appreciate it. I hope that you find it interesting and of some help!

And counting...

In less than a week, I will no longer be an employee of the University of Colorado. I mean, I am working for CSF (the Colorado Shakespeare Festival) and so I'll be in the shop...but it's going to be totally different. First of all-it's only 3 days a week. Secondly...it's just not the same. Not teaching students, not making our own shows....it's a totally different job, just in the same room.

I am slightly in denial that this is the end. I keep telling myself...you have one week to prepare for graduation...you have 6 days....5 days...unfortunately, I am not sure that I feel any more prepared as each day passes.

Today was a great day--I got to spend some quality time with Sharon, which was awesome. She treated me to lunch and some pampering at ten20. It was nice to just have a day off, and to spend some time just catching up with a friend. I can't really remember the last time I did that!

I didn't work today either....first day in a long long time....my last days "off," I was moving. So I wouldn't really count those as days off. I am excited for the next week of work. I am going to finish Emmy's graduation dress and make a Princess Tiana dress for my niece for her birthday. I don't really have any other work to do at CU...except supervising.

Less than a week. 2.5 school days until the Costume Tech final is due. 3.5 school days until the Tailoring final is due. 4 school days until graduation day. 4. That's all. 7 years...and it all ends in just 4 school days.

What a run.