I Carry with Me...

....disappointment.

Not in others, but in myself....disappointment from myself and from others.


I cannot always be what everyone else needs me to be...and that leaves everyone disappointed...especially me.

I will get a text...or an email...just little things that are reminders of those I have let down because I could not be what they needed me to be...because I could not change myself to fit....

And I feel guilty for this.

I feel guilty that I could not be the perfect wife. That I could not just sit by and watch the lies roll out, let them be and move on with life. That I could not forget the wrongs done...that I finally couldn't forgive....that I left...that I caused so much pain.

I feel guilty for being someone's desire...for being the one person that they imagine spending their life with...when I know it's over. I feel guilty for not being able to be what they need...to be that person that they think that I am...for not being able to make them happy forever. I feel guilty for having loved them, and then for leaving...because I knew we couldn't be...

I feel guilty...and disappointed...that my tin can heart can promise nothing...that I cannot be the perfect girl...that I cannot be what everyone wants me to be.

I am only me.

This is all I have....

....broken pieces, overflowing disappointments, hollow heart....and endless words....

I carry with me the disappointments of 26 years...of every heart that I have broken....of every box I couldn't fill...of every downcast eye and tear shed because of me...

And because of this...sometimes I can't handle it all. I can't bear the thought of another disappointment being added to the pile...so I start lacing up my shoes....and get ready to run...