I should have known that my Dad would be right...again. He kept telling me that one day the insomnia would catch up with me. I assumed he was talking about the sleep part...but I understand now what he was talking about.
I keep feeling more and more separate...pushed further and further away from everyone and everything.
It just starts to feel like a chasm...like a canyon with a river flowing through it, and every day the river makes the canyon wider and wider...the world on one side, and I am on the other.
Sitting alone in a room full of people.
That's not what I meant to type at first, but I realized how apt it is.
It's not the people...it's definitely me. Realizing that everyone will all climb into bed about the same time, the world will pause for a few hours...and I will keep going...alone. It's like sitting outside of a club that you are not a part of, and you get to watch everyone else walk in. It starts to feel like everyone else is unified, and I am the outsider who just gets to pretend they are a part of the party.
I can feel insomnia now...not being tired...I am still not tired...but it feels like a vacuum of loneliness. It sometimes feels like a black hole...it inhales everything...my words, my thoughts, my feelings, my hopes, my dreams, my excitement....it pulls me away from everyone...away from everyone I love.
It keeps growing....
Blackness darker than night....
Loneliness, like a vacuum,
Pulls me away...
Down, down, down....
Further and further away
From any sign of light....
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