Happy Birthday

Tomorrow is your birthday,
And I don't know what to say.
For months now we've been apart,
Healing the broken shards of our hearts.
I don't know if I should call--
If you would want to hear from me at all.
I sent you a card with happy wishes...
Maybe you already have someone to share your kisses...
So as you celebrate without me,
(As it needs to be)
Alone for the first time in 8 years,
I pray you shed no tears,
That you get all your favorite toys,
And are filled with unlimited joys.
I pray that if you think of me,
That you will remember our time fondly,
That no hatred against me you'll hold.
Because as you've been told,
I never meant to cause you pain,
And I hope this was for mutual gain.

So Happy Birthday to you,
May you find in your heart what's true.
And remember this is what I had to do,
Not everything is about you.
But still, Happy Birthday to you.

Asses

I see the world through rose-colored glasses,
I prefer to walk against the masses,
'Cause they're slower than molasses
And half-full of asses.

But in my rose-colored glasses,
I see much greener grasses.
And as time passes
I see life like a set of classes.
It's time to take out all my stashes
And as the picture flashes,
All my checks life cashes
As I breathe all the poisonous gases...

I see the world through rose-colored glasses
With much greener grasses.
And I'll bat my eyelashes
In front of all of the masses,
Wait as the world mashes
And totally rehashes
All my deep gashes...

No matter how hard the world bashes
I'll see it all through rose-colored glasses
And I'll dwell on greener grasses.

100

Wow...this is my 100th post. Not my 100th blog entry, but the 100th that I have posted. There are a few waiting to be finshed, waiting for the right time...but this is the 100th one to make it out into the world.

I started this blog a year and a month ago. It was meant to be a venue for me to start to rediscover myself...I never knew how far that journey would take me...

When I started this blog, I never would have guessed that I would be here now. As my Grandpa would say, "it has taken many rocks to form my road"...but I am thankful for each one, because each has lead me to where I am today. And I am pretty OK with where I am at now.

Some things still need to change....for sure. But I am moving in the right direction....slowly, but steadily.

So in honor of today's 100th post, here are 100 things about me...because this blog is all about me.

I am a lactosucrovegetard.
My favorite color is purple...
With orange as a close second.
I have 2 beautiful children...who happen to have 4 legs and fur.
I hope someday to be a lyricist.
I like to hula hoop....
And yes, I own a hula hoop.
I love woodworking.
I heart Star Wars....
And I can kick your ass at old school PS1 Masters of Teras Kasi.
I have a wonderful marble collection,
As well as a swizzle stick collection both from around the world.
I love to write (of course) and hope to publish books someday.
I love what I do--sewing and patterning are so enjoyable to me.
I am claustrophobic.
I used to dye my hair blonde...super blonde. (Brunettes totally have more fun.)
I find Robot Chicken hilarious.
I really enjoy watching anime...like Naruto, Spirited Away, Princess Mononoke...
When I was a child, I wanted to be: a doctor, veterinarian, architect, painter...
Now I just want to be happy.
I once lived in the town with the world's oldest continuous rodeo.
My first job was in a library....I restocked books.
I feel guilty for wanting a leather jacket and leather motorcycle boots.
I am an insomniac (in case you haven't noticed).
I hate listening to voicemails.
My car is the best car ever. 35+ mpg. Up to 55 mpg.
I am a texting maniac...love it.
I want to learn to play the guitar....
And the ukulele.
I am the tetris queen...for packing and loading the dishwasher.
I am slightly addicted to FaceBook...
And chewing gum...
And shoes...
And huevos rancheros with green chile.
I love the beach,
And collecting sea shells on the beach.
My Grandma is one of my best friends in the world.
I have built a computer.
I can take apart a remote control...
And I can put it back together.
I can change the oil in my car.
I have broken my collarbone,
And my nose...
And my good friend's nose. (She'll forgive me someday...)
I got a 4.0 in high school.
In 3rd grade, I told my Dad they had spelled my middle name wrong.
So for about a year, I spelled my middle name "Marrie."
I am best friends with lyrics.com. I cannot stand not knowing the right lyrics to a song.

I am super proud of the scar from my wrist surgery...it is a battle wound.

I love scars in general.

Telling scar stories is one of my favorite past times.

I used to be in band,

I played the flute.

I quit because I never learned to read music.

I also used to be in choir...

Quit because I almost fell off the bleachers at a concert.

I just went to my first concert ever this month...and loved it.

I love rock climbing...

And spelunking....

Without ropes or harnesses.

I love the desert,

Not the biggest fan of snow....especially driving in it.

I love mountain driving...

I love driving in general.

In high school I used to drive to Chugwater, Wyoming for fun. Then turn around and come home.

I can sew both left-handed and right-handed.

I have 6 nieces and one nephew.

My family--all of it--is the best in the world.

I am extremely blessed with amazing friends. Like ridiculously blessed.

In addition to this blog, I have a series of journals. I am writing in 3 at this point in time.

My first word was "no." I still don't pay attention to it. ;-)

I can toast the perfect campfire marshmallow. Sheer perfection.

My eyes are blue with a small dot of brown under the iris.

I have a blinking problem. Seriously, I forget to blink.

So I can beat you at a staring contest...any day.

I am really good at thumb war. Really good...

Because I have double-jointed thumbs.

Growing up I used to have a pet monkey....Peanut...

And a pet pig....Hamlet.....

And pet ducks...Huey, Dewey, and Louie.

Yes, my children are named after video game characters...

Because yes, I love video games.

I have three pen pals...all under the age of 14.

I strongly believe in the handwritten word...

But can't remember the last handwritten letter I got....I miss those.

I love to write letters. If you want one...send me your address. I will send you one.

I always wonder what other people see. Always.

My mind is almost always racing. It is hardly ever quiet in here.

I can take something apart in my head--see the insides. It's like x-ray vision. ;-)

I didn't really wear makeup until I was around 19.

I love wearing heels.

I love the sound of my heels on the ground...click...click...click...

Tulips are my favorite flower...because of Cedric.

I do not regret getting married.

I regret not listening more carefully to the advice I received before getting married.

I do not regret getting divorced.

I regret the loss we have both endured.

I believe in rolling with the punches, and moving forward.

I still believe in love. I know it's out there waiting for me.
And I will never give up hope on that.

100 things...for 100 posts.

Thank you for caring enough to read about my journey. I appreciate those of you who read this, it means more to me than you know.

Thank you. Love to you.

There's a boy...

There's a boy,
Who held my heart for years.
He promised me the moon,
But only gave me tears.
We had some laughs and fun,
As well as plenty of happy days,
But now it's all over and done
In oh so many ways.
He held my hand,
And grasped it tight--
But only to help him stand,
Which left me alone to fight.
He fell in love with my looks--
The least part of me--
He forgot I read books,
And how thoughtful I like to be.
He gave me a ring
And promised he'd always care for me.
But a ring doesn't mean a thing,
If your heart he doesn't care to see.
One day he made me his wife,
A day full of love and joy.
But through the course of life,
And being treated like a toy--
Inside my heart began to ache

When he stopped caring to find

What was best for my sake.

So my heart I had to unbind,

Decide it was finally time

To take my heart in my hand,

Remember it was truly mine

And alone, learn to stand.

There's a boy,

Who took me by surprise.

We were just friends,

Those were our ties.

But that came to an end

With all the butterflies

And kisses he did lend.

I saw myself through his eyes--

I was kind and caring and lovely--

This caricature I did not despise.

Here I saw who I wanted to be--

Reflected in his touch,

Shining by his side,

Every moment I loved so much.

Until a piece of me died,

When he said he was going away,

For months on the other side of the sea.

What I thought...I never did say,

He needed a chance just to be.

So for months and weeks

He was far and separate from me.

I was left hoping my love he would seek,

That "us" he would finally see.

While away in his distant land,

He chose to light an old flame.

He chose to hold her hand,

And whisper her name...

Leaving me alone in the dark,

Not telling me the desires of his heart.

While on his adventure he embarked,

He let me drift away, further apart.

The day I said I was done,

He told me he was not...

He remembered all our fun,

And the adventures that we sought.

He said he wasn't ready--

That he saw what was there,

And he couldn't promise to be steady,

But he wanted "us" to be here.

I gave him another chance,

Letting him keep his place in my heart,

Because I knew it was more than happenstance...

I also did not want us to part.

When finally he held me in his arms,

And gave my lips another kiss,

I fell again for all his charms,

Because each one I did miss.

But it would all change after one night--

All my hopes, his misread signs,

It felt so right,

But was so wrong this time.

I would forsake every ounce of romance,

I would rescind every kiss,

Redo this dance....

If his friendship I wouldn't have to miss.

There's a boy,

Who always gives me a smile--

Who sees me and is full of joy.

I hope he stays a while...

With my heart he's taken special care,

With the gentlest touch he's reached out

To let me know he wants to always be there...

But I always have my doubts.

All my words he reads on his own--

He's not afraid of my thoughts...

He cares to know each seed I've sown,

Even when deep inside I am caught--

Lost inside my own maze,

He still reaches out his hand

And in oh so many small ways,

Lets me know he wants to help me stand

If I ever fear I'll fall.

And as my heart heals,

He's still there if I call,

No matter what my heart feels.

There's a boy,

To whom I am meant to be tied.

He won't mind eating soy,

He will never have lied--

At least to me or my heart.

He'll take me to the airport,

While around the world I go--

My every move he will support.

And his love he will always show.

He'll smile when I say "No meat."

And respond with "No cheese."

He won't mind that I'm not very neat,

And that I hate skis...

He'll join me as I climb rocks,

And laugh at my argyle socks.

My cats he'll call his children,

My bed he'll take the other side.

To every piece of him he'll let me in--

He'll keep trying--despite having tried--

To love me more every day,

To kiss me with a little more love,

To care for me in every way...

And he will succeed--go beyond and above.

Every night he'll tuck me in tight,

Hold me so very near

And tell me "I love you dear."

In my bed he'll tangle with me,

Wrap his arms around my waist

Let us in the silence be,

And not consider it a waste.

There's a boy

Who will hold me tight--

But not to suffocate,

But just right.
In every way he'll be my perfect mate.
One day he will ask me for my hand,
And say, "I will always help you stand.
You might not always need me,
But forever by your side I will be."
He'll take my hand in his own,
And say I'm the best girl he's ever known.
He's out there, looking for me.
Fighting for a chance for us to be.

Just how much...

You have no idea how much this hurts sometimes.
It was never a game to me, it was always all that I had to give.
I don't know if you ever felt the same.
To think that maybe it was all fake,
That it was all just a game...
Something to get you by...
Is more painful that I can explain.

I think I need to run,
I really need to fly...
Far far away from this...
Far away form these feelings
That will not let me be.
I am angry,
I am wounded,
I am bleeding.

And I don't think it matters.
I don't think you will ever know...
Just how much this hurts sometimes.

I don't want to ride this roller coaster anymore...do I?

End of the World
By Matt Alber

I don't want to ride this roller coaster.
I think I want to get off.
But they buckled me down,
Like it's the end of the world.

If you don't want to have this conversation,
Then you better get out,
Cause we're climbing to our death.
At least what they want you to think.
Just in case we jump the track,
I have a confession to make,
It's something like a corkscrew...

I don't wanna fall,
I don't wanna fly,
I don't wanna be dangled over,
The edge of a dying romance.
But I don't wanna stop,
I don't wanna lie,
I don't wanna believe it's over.
I just wanna stay with you tonight.

I didn't mean to scream out quite so loudly
When we screeched to a halt.
I'm just never prepared,
For the end of the ride.
Maybe we should get on something simpler,
Like a giant balloon.
But I've got two tickets left, and so do you.
Instead of giving them away to some stranger,
Let's make them count, come on--
Let 's get back in line again and ride the big one.

Don't you wanna fall,
Don't you wanna fly...
Don't you wanna be dangled over
The edge of this aching romance?
If it's gonna end, then I wanna know
That we squeezed out every moment.
But if there's nothing left,
Can you tell me why
That is it you're holding onto me
Like it's the end of the world?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bTvJdpkdLiw

__________________________________

I use songs and lyrics a lot, in case you haven't noticed.  This usually comes either when I am incredibly inspired by a song or when I haven't had time to sort out what is inside my head and heart.  This one is both.

I feel like I have been on a roller coaster for months...and the ride has been far too long.  So why can't I just get off?  Why can't I just give away my remaining tickets and cut my losses?  I know I am riding alone...

I guess I just want to know that I gave it all I had.  That's how I am...that's why it took me so long to leave my marriage--I had to give it every single chance I could.  I can never give anything less than everything that I have...and that's how I get most hurt.  I will never stop giving...until the pain overpowers me.  Then I know it's time...

How do you know it's time?

Am I the only one willing to go so far?  

Please Be Gentle

You are too kind,
You are too sweet.
Before I even knew it,
You were being gentle with my heart.

I always wanted to be a small engine mechanic...

Going back to bookends....I just had to partially disassemble and then reassemble the same machine I disassembled and reassembled at the beginning of the summer. Fortunately, this round was much less traumatic. Round 1 left me with a couple scars (literally--that machine wanted to kill me I think), but I emerged from Round 2 with nothing more than greasy hands.

I love seeing how things go together--how things work, why they are the way they are. Everything--from cars to bikes to rollerblades to industrial sergers--I just want to know how it all works. So I always find it great fun when I get to take apart and out machines back together (as long as they don't try to kill me.)

I am kind of the "machine whisperer" in the shops I work in. When no one else can get a machine working, usually I can. Somehow I can look at a machine (and by "machine," just know I mean sewing machine) and see how it is all supposed to go. Even when faced with pieces removed in the dark...it doesn't take me long to figure out what's right.

It's logical. Completely logical--this follows that and this piece goes here...it makes sense to me. Being a small engine mechanic seems to be second nature to me.

So why can't I understand love? Why can't I understand why one emotion follows the other when it seems it should be the opposite? Why can't I understand why I feel the way I do...or why others feel and don't feel something?

It makes no sense to me whatsoever. I can't figure it out.

If I had to trade...would I rather be a small engine mechanic or understand love...what a choice.

I am actually not sure which I would choose...

265

I Will Follow You Into the Dark
By Death Cab for Cutie

Love of mine,
Someday you will die.
But I'll be close behind,
I'll follow you into the dark.
No blinding light,
Or tunnels to gates of white.
Just our hands clasped so tight,
Waiting for the hint of a spark.

If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied,
Illuminate the no's
On their vacancy signs.
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks,
Then I'll follow you into the dark.

In Catholic School,
As vicious as Roman rule,
I got my knuckles bruised
By a lady in black.
And I held my tongue
As she told me,"Son,
Fear is the heart of love."
So I never went back.

If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied,
Illuminate the no's
On their vacancy signs.
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks,
Then I'll follow you into the dark.

You and me,
We've seen everything to see.
From Bangkok to Calgary....
And the soles of your shoes
Are all worn down,
The time for sleep is now.
There's nothing to cry about,
Cause we'll hold each other soon,
In the blackest of rooms.

If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied,
Illuminate the no's
On their vacancy signs.
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks,
Then I'll follow you into the dark.
I'll follow you into the dark.
______________________________

I have had this song on repeat for the past three days....and according to iTunes...I have listened to it roughly 265 times in those three days. Don't judge me.

I really like this song...it's quiet, pensive tone; the sweet thoughtful lyrics...and the overall thought behind it. Hence why it has been on repeat for days.

When it comes down to it, this is what I have been thinking about lately....who would...who will follow me into the dark? Anyone? No one?

Two cats....they will. Two beautiful black cats...my babies.

That's all I need, right?

Melons and Collies

Melancholy.

Melon. Collie.

My melons and collies are all mixed up...and so I am stuck far inside my head now. I am having a hard time finding my way out today. I just keep wishing for butterflies and Jesus lizards instead of melons and collies. I know that doesn't make sense to you....but it does to me.

Only because it is difficult being so stuck inside my head in this way. I'll find my way out...eventually. It just always takes time...and I am impatient.

I wish the melons and collies were neatly separated...

Igloo 7

I can see the sun shining...
But it's far away,
And not on me.
I know the clouds will blow over,
And the sun will warm my face.

But not in this moment.

I look for a hand to hold,
I look for that smile,
The one that coaxed me out
Of my igloo in the first place.

But it has evaporated...
Like the water from my ice blocks...
And there is nothing left,
Only the memories,
And the impressions
The ice blocks left on the ground.

I am afraid that my flowers are dying...
My pieces of hope are withering.
It has taken all my strength
To withstand it all thus far...
I am barely standing.
How can I help these flowers grow
When all I can do is save myself?

Some days I wonder....
Am I back inside my igloo?
Have I already shut everyone out again?
But I look to the sky,
And I see the clouds.
And I know there's no more igloo.

This is what it's like.
What it's like to feel.
To feel it all.

I'm working on it...

I have had these thoughts lately, and I am not sure how to classify them. I am not sure if I should be happy with them or find them very depressing.

I have always been strongly independent...a no-brainer for those who know me. I have always liked to do things my own way, in my own time. I always thought that I never needed anyone--I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself.

Over the past couple months, there have been lots of incidents that have only reinforced those thoughts. I need my family--that is also a no-brainer, but I am talking about needing a significant other. I am afraid sometimes that I have become far too comfortable taking care of myself and relying only on myself that I do not know how--that I am incapable of relying on another person.

But when you are consistently disappointed, let down...feeling strewn aside or chosen last, it becomes more difficult to actually let yourself rely on another person. Trying to be "vulnerable" or "open" with other people when all you know is pain and failure in those situations....is not easy.

I have never had someone there to catch me every time I would fall. All too often I have been the one to pick myself up, dust myself off, and climb back on the horse all on my own...even though there was someone standing right there who should have been there helping me.

I know I can be whatever I need to be. I can be the best friend, girlfriend, nurturer, anything and everything you need. I know I can be the best...I can care for you better than you have ever been cared for--in any situation. It seems to be one thing that I do really well.

But I return to my thoughts from last week....who will take care of me? I am beginning to wonder if there is anyone out there who could withstand me. Someone who can care for me in the way that I care for them. Truly.

I thought that I had found that. Turns out I was wrong. And I still feel that failure...it is one that I will bear for a while I am sure.

I keep thinking...how do I balance this? Trying to learn to rely on other people, be open with people all the while I am thinking that I will be the one caring for myself because there won't be someone out there who can take care of me.

I have been chased after. I have chased after someone. Neither worked. I want to run with someone, walk with someone...not share the exact same path, but the same goals. Climb to the peak with someone...each of us on our roads less traveled.

I want a life less ordinary--a life extraordinary. But I also want someone who will follow me into the dark. I know my life is going to be extraordinary....I don't know if I will ever find someone to follow me into the dark...someone to share this life less ordinary with me.

Regardless, I am working on trying to let other people in. I am trying to learn to let myself rely on other people...on those close to me. I understand that they are not perfect, just like I am not perfect.

I am just so tired of feeling hurt and disappointed. I am sure I shouldn't take it personally...but it's hard not to.
____________________________________________

What about my dream?
What about.....

What about everything?
What about aeroplanes?
And what about ships that drank the sea?
What about...
What about the moon and stars?
What about soldier battle scars
And all the anger that they eat?
I am not in need.

Get away and come with me,
Come away with me and we'll see.
If I was right on that night, that a future was made...
Before time takes each year, like a knife cuts it clear.
It's school, then work and then life that just sharpens the blade.
I think about time for fun,
I think about time for play.
Then I think about being done, with no resume,
With no one left to blame.
What about fortune and fame?
What about your love to obtain?

What About Everything by Carbon Leaf

Climbing

Today was another day of rock climbing, and it was so wonderful. It was great to once again have friends join me, so we could share the experience (even though none decided to brave the "cave" with me...).

My mind was so full as I was climbing today. We all hiked and climbed at different paces, so for the most part I was alone. Which was nice--I had the safety of others nearby, but the solitude I love.

As I climbed, I thought about how we all had the same goal--make it to the peak. But we each could take our own path...and I purposefully would take a different route than everyone else. I wanted a challenge...something different. I am not afraid of the road less traveled.

The best part is the journey...the climbing. Yes, it's difficult and at moments seems impossible. But it is always possible. There is always a route to the top, there is always a way. Sometimes you have to go down to go up, and sometimes it is almost more than you can bear. But as long as you stick it through, it's possible.

But you'll never know unless you stick it out.

Ending

One day this feeling will pass,
I know it won't last.
The thoughts of you and me,
And how things used to be....
Down deep inside
I wish our hearts could have been tied.
I know I will still think of your eyes,
And your hands on my thighs.
I'll sometimes hear your voice,
Not always by choice....
I wish in my heart
That I had known from the start
That there would be this much pain--
But it is worth the all the gain.
And although never again will I clasp your hand in mine,
I'll still cherish you for all time.
You helped me learn to love once more,
For my heart you opened the door.
So despite all my sorrows
Over no more tomorrows
All our memories from the past---
Are wonderful, and they will last.
I understand you and I are through--
It's the only thing we could do.
And though it might make me bawl,
It's time to take your picture off my wall.
It's time for me to move on--
In some ways it won't take long...
But my heart still has to mend
Over this loss, over our end.
And as you move forward too,
Please know that this is true--
I am more than happy to be your friend,
That feeling will never end.
So take your steps and walk your road,
And I know someday these seeds we've sowed
Will blossom and grow--
Into what, I don't know.
But if you ever need a hand,
Or someone to help you stand....
You have a friend in me,
That I promise to always be.

Benches and Bookends

All this summer I have seen how life--at least my life bookends itself. I find it really amazing, and oh so intriguing...how pieces fit together, and how they fall apart.

Something really great started on this bench....months and months ago. And somehow I knew that it would end in the same place...I knew it would end like this, with the green grass and the leaves still on the trees. I sat on this bench at the beginning of summer...and I knew. I don't know how, but I knew it would end here...and that I would be ok.

Thinking how the summer started....at the airport. And how it ended....at the airport. How I felt then--hopeful, excited and a little scared. How I feel now...hopeful, excited, and a little scared. But also relieved. And a little more sure of myself...

I have no regrets. I have no thoughts of "what if" or "maybe if I" or "I can change this...." only acceptance and looking forward to what is ahead of me now.

Am I sad...yes of course. A little bit--but I know this is what is right. Will I miss the good times, yes. But I know that more are to come.There will be more faces, more places, more open spaces. This is the end of one chapter, but the start of a completely new one..

There is so much to say, and just as much to be left unsaid...at least here and now.

Benches....and bookends. A summer full of both...a full summer.

An epic summer.

But who will take care of me?

A simple thought....right? We all want someone we can care for...and someone who can care for us.

I often wonder who will have the strength and tenacity to take care of me.

Will it be anyone? Or just me...

Do I make it too difficult? Do I demand too much?

There has to be someone out there....