Mom

For the first time since I have owned a cell phone...I have a number saved as "Mom."

I was talking on the phone with my Grandma when another call came in from Tucson. I was perplexed, because my Grandma has been the only person to call me from Tucson in years and years. I listened to the voicemail, and it was my Mom. Never would have guessed that...

I called her back. I started to tell her about my brother and whatnot, and she stopped me. She said she needed to apologize. She had found a letter that I had written to her in 2000, and she said that I was totally right, and she was sorry. I have no idea what that letter said...she told me she would show it to me when I stop by to visit her in a few weeks. Yes, I decided to visit her--I was planning on it even before she called.

For those of you who may not know the back story, my Mom and I have never really gotten along. my parents divorced when I was 7 or 8, and my Mom left the state shortly after the divorce was final (I think). Nonetheless, she was pretty nonexistent in my childhood, and while growing up. We rarely talked, rarely visited. When I was younger, I was mad at and resentful towards her. I gave up trying to have a relationship with her because she was caught in a battle between drugs and alcohol. They both won for quite some time.

My Mom missed all those great things mothers and daughters are supposed to do together. She paid no attention to prom, my high school graduation...my wedding. But I was most angry with her when she promised my younger brother she would be there for his graduation...and then she didn't show. She screened my calls when I was trying to find her to talk to her about the wedding, but that didn't matter as much as the sorrow in my brother's eyes when he realized she wasn't coming for his big day.

The last time we spoke was about a month after the wedding. I handed her some pictures from the wedding, and told her I was going back to spend time with Grandma. She made some comment about how I put on weight....which of course made me feel wonderful. And that was our last exchange, until tonight.

I never hated my Mom, and I haven't even really been angry with her in a long time. Someone told me several years ago that sometime you just have to accept things the way they are instead of longing for how they "should" be. That little mantra has helped me so much. It helped me realize that my Mom and I would never have a typical relationship...and that is OK. We have our relationship, however dysfunctional it is.

Long ago I accepted that she loved me because I was her daughter, and I loved her because she was my mother. But I constantly longed for her to tell me that she was proud of me. I spent my life working so hard--focused so much on achievement and accomplishments...that I just wanted to know that she saw that.

Tonight...she said she was proud of me. Through divorce, work, school, everything--she said that she was proud of how hard I have worked. I am not sure I have ever heard my Mom say she was proud of me...

It's not perfect...but what is? I am going to see her new house and meet her husband while I am in Tucson. It won't be perfect, but I don't care...it's all I know.

It is so interesting to me to watch the pieces of my life unfold and start to come together. It is amazing to sand back and watch...and then realize that it is my life...the facets of my existence that I am so fascinated with...

So. Who would have guessed? Not me...but I like it.