When Time Keeps You Waiting....

Lay Low
By Lauren Evans

Lay low, lay low,
Don't run too fast,
Take hold of your feelings if you can.
Lay, low move slow to make it last,
Don't rush a good thing.
Remember when time keeps you waiting,
Don't get impatient,
Just lay low.
Why don't you taste every moment,
Don't waste what you're given,
Just lay low.
_____________________________________

There are days....weeks...months....years...I get ahead of myself. In everything...love, life, work, breathing. I forget to blink. Seriously....I have special contacts to help hydrate my eyes because I can't even remember to take the time to blink.

This song has been on my mind for the past couple days...especially today. I forget that I have time. I forget that things take time--that they need time to grow and blossom...and sometimes I feel as though I am a gardener standing out by my rosebush, through rain and sleet and snow--screaming at my roses to bloom.

If I could just remember...to stop and enjoy the perfectly formed snowflakes as they fall on the seemingly dead limbs, to gaze in wonder at the dew drops forming on the spider web between the leaves, breathe in the morning air as the sun rises on a tiny rosebud forming...then maybe I could more fully appreciate the full glory of a rose in bloom.

Things take time. Everything takes time. Even if I don't want it to...it does and it always will.

For now...time is keeping me waiting. So I will stop, and enjoy the sound of raindrops gently falling on my rosebush while I wait for a tiny rosebud....

Stitch by Stitch

I am very slowly making an afghan for my niece...she doesn't know it yet (and neither does her mother), but I am very excited for it. This is my first attempt...and I am getting there, stitch by stitch.

Sometimes...it's so fitting for life. It takes many moments to build something great...just one stitch at a time....

Marriage, Briefly

Wow...so many things happened today...that I don't know what picture to use for the day...so I guess it will just have to be a surprise.

There is something I really want to write about...but I don't know if it is appropriate yet. So, I will hold that thought briefly.

Today I got to spend the evening with my family celebrating my brother's birthday. It was so nice to spend some time with just the fam...but I also found out my brother called off his engagement completely...which is definitely the good news.

You might think that just because I have been through divorce that I don't believe in marriage anymore. Sometimes I am sure it seems that I am anti-marriage....but let me assure you, I am not.

I still believe that marriage can work. I still believe that marriage has a purpose....that being able to make that commitment to one person is important. I hope that one day I will want to get married again...that next time I will find the one really meant for me...the one who will respect me and be honest with me and love me completely.

I do have difficulty being able to support people who marry young. I remember it all so well, even now...it is so difficult. Trying to bind yourself to another person when you are so completely unsure of who you are yourself. How are you supposed to know if you are "unequally yoked" if you don't even know your own burden yet?

Wanting to spend your life with someone is amazing. Watching that dream unfold, little by little is breath-taking. Being able to walk hand in hand with someone, feeling as though you know this is the one person you can entrust every iota of your being to....is a phenomenal feeling.

But for as euphoric as those moments are....the balance is if things are lost...it's extremely tragic and gut-wrenching.

But I believe that everything worthwhile requires work. The the really truly wonderful and amazing things in life require taking a risk....going way out on a limb...being willing to get totally killed...

It is when you are most vulnerable that you give yourself the most room to grow. You just have to be wise about it....

A Beautiful Day, A Bench, And A Good Friend

Today was a beautiful day...absolutely gorgeous out. I got to go on a long walk and a picnic with someone very dear to my heart...and it made for a marvelous day!

I guess I have a thing with benches...sharing benches with people...having difficult yet wonderful conversations on benches...

This bench will forever be ours. I wish I could walk past it everyday...but I will have to just keep its memory close to my heart. The times we have shared can be replaced by nothing and no one. Each memory will echo in the chambers of my heart like a well timed resonating drumbeat....this is by no means a goodbye. I may be moving, but you are one of my closest friends now, and I hope that never changes.

Sunny afternoons and benches...and me. We make for some great poetry.

My Space, My Place...

Everything is just as I like it...comfy, cozy, warm and calming. My own four walls, my own bed, my own babies...

I have been having difficulty the past few days, just thinking about the fact that in 5 weeks, I have to be moved out of this place. I have to pull myself away from all of the memories, separate myself from all of the moments I had in this house...in my first home on my own.

Forget the moments I chased one love around the house...us running and laughing, promising we would always do this....

Let go of the dance parties I would have by myself in my bedroom in the middle of summer...

Separate myself from the thoughts of cozying up with another love on the couch on a cold snow day, with a serene fire burning in the fireplace...

I have to file away all of these memories....and forget making new ones in this place. This is my home...this is what I have come to know and love. It is hard to imagine my children and I in any other space than this....we are comfy here....we are close and comfortable here....

So why am I moving? Because I know it's time. Because we can change, we can find a new home. We will make new memories...

Journey

A year ago, this album got me through the toughest times. It was part of my last shopping trip using my old card with my old last name...using our joint account and "our" money.

I tried to put this cd in my car the night I bought it. I remember being so frustrated because all I wanted to hear was "Don't Stop Believin'," but for some reason my cd player was kind of broken at the time, and I couldn't get the cd to go in and actually play. It would just spit the disc right back out...I tried for 2 days, then finally it went in!!

I cannot explain the euphoria I felt when i was finally hearing those notes coming out of my speakers...I wanted to jump for joy...

This disc came to represent so much of the months following my divorce. I listened to this cd for about 3 months solid after I left. I would drive into work with "Don't Stop Believin" on repeat...some mornings it was the only thing that made me feel strong enough to make it to work.

But I listened to this cd as I learned to love and trust again...and every song reminds me of the new-found freedom I discovered only one year ago. I still love to put this disc on...and with the opening riffs of "Only The Young," my heart once again soars, and I am reminded once again of the freedom and joy I have gained....

A Friend Indeed

Yesterday was a rough day at work...the end of the day anyway. I was tired, had a long day at work, and was burnt out because of some frustrating events at work. I seriously was bound to go home, hole up and just be in kind of a depressed mood...so I put my ipod on and walked to my car, all alone through the streets, ignoring the passersby...

And then I get to my car and notice there's something in the door handle. I pull it out and...I find a note from Emmy! I was beyond ecstatic!! I love getting notes and letters--which I actually don't often get--and so to find this at the end of the day was like finding a pot of gold in the light at the end of the tunnel!!

So thanks Em!! It means so much...

Walking Away

There are some days that I just look at a part of the shop...a part of my second home...and wonder what it is going to be like in a couple months when I won't be here any more. It seems so surreal to me. This building, these walls have been my home for so long, that I am curious to know how I will feel once they are strange to me...

I have walked these very steps at least every weekday for the past 7 years. Whose feet will fall in my steps once I am gone? Where will my new path lead me?

It may not be anything grand...but it's mine. I remember when the raccoon lived under the bench, when people broke into the shop just to play with the toys, when Ted's computer was stolen, hours and hours of plastering face casts...

So much of it is so vivid...like it was just yesterday that Sandy took over my ruffle while I worked on her dress, last week that I walked across the stage and accepted my "diploma cover," last weekend that we were dyeing yards and yards of flannel varying shades of yellow....only a couple weeks ago I decided that I wanted to work in theatre because of the passion I witnessed in this very department...

One day soon...this will no longer be my home. I will have to make a new one for myself...and I will have to accept the strangeness that will come...

Time to Bloom

Time to bloom,
Time to grow...
Give me room
And to you I'll show--
Just how big a heart,
Just how strong I can be.
My life is fine art,
Or at least it is to me--
Each day I blossom a little more,
Each minute, my wings unfurl a bit stronger...
I feel it all deep inside my core--
I'll keep it mine a little longer.

Give me time to bloom...
Give me time to grow.
And soon you'll find,
It is my time to Bloom.

Cold Coloradans...

The funniest part is...
We are gathered around a space heater...
And we have to head back to CO in just a few short hours...
Hilarious.