All Caught Up...

Ok, so now I am finally all caught up on my past blogs, so I feel that now I can take the time to get in-depth with all that has gone on...which has been a lot.

Right now, I am so stressed out. Remember that chair I was done with? Well, I am not totally done with it. I have to go back and change a few things...which I am really not happy about, but I will do it anyway. I can't wait to let the chair go...and with it all the crazy sewing projects that I will never do again.

I am trying to create some positive energy to outweigh the negativity of that chair...but I have not been successful thus far. It will come, and it will be ok. There is nothing I can do about it in this moment, so I am not going to worry about it. I just have to remember that whatever happens, this silly chair is not going to ruin my life. If it spontaneously combusts and my client is beyond livid, I will still come home to my kids who love me and my Ryan who loves me. The world will still turn, my life will still go on. It will not be the end of the world if it is not perfect.

Now I just have to remember all that...

And remember that I want to create things...I love building, I love crafting, I love creating...but I don't want to do it for anyone else. I want to do it for myself, in my own time line, for whomever I want to do it for. The closer January gets, the more excited about accounting I get...weird, right?

A quick update on Joker Kitty--she is doing well. It seems her lip is a lot better! I am debating continuing the meds, since it has become super difficult to get her to swallow the pills. I will see how it looks tomorrow. But all in all, she is looking great!!

It seems like Sora has put on a little weight, which is great! He is always so skinny, I like it when he bulks up a bit. It's probably because he has had close to a cup of treats a day....crazy little man!

I have this whole week off from TCS. My time with Jack has come to an end, and so has my time at the Rec Center. So now, TCS is my only job! (Not counting that silly chair....) It will be nice to have free time...especially since I need to finish getting ready for Christmas!!

Well, I think that is about all for now! Time to dream of Christmas and fun things!!

Home Again, Home Again...

Wow..as usual, time flies.

We just got back from my brother's wedding, and it was fun, beautiful and amazing. We had a great time...and even got some relaxing in.

It feels good to be back home, in some ways. It really was nice to get away for a while, to leave everything behind and to not have to deal with work or such things...

But I did miss my kids very much, and so it is great to be back with them. I will write more on the wedding later, but I am going to start by trying to get caught up on all my blog posts...

Merry Christmas!! It is only 5 days away!!

The Day After...

The day after "happily ever after," at least for my brother and his new *wife.* ;-)

It was a lovely day...we slept in, ate a late breakfast with Chad and Patrick, then met up with everyone to watch Scott and Vanessa open their presents. The only downfall of the day was that we did not get out to Joshua Tree, as we had hoped we would have time to do.

But it was great to spend some down time with family, and Ryan and I got to spend some time relaxing in the hot tub after we got back to our hotel...which was wonderful. Ryan jumped into the pools as well--but I thought that they were just a bit chilly...

As Scott and Vanessa start their journey as husband and wife...today being their first full day...I can't help but think of Bright Eye's This is the First Day of my Life....

A Wedding...

Congratulations to Scott and Vanessa!! I can't believe that today is finally the day!!

As always, it seems like just yesterday you guys got engaged...only months ago you met...but in reality it has been years...

I wish you all many many blessing and a life filled with love and joy.

May no one know more happiness than you two!

California...Here We Come...

Today we leave for California!!

I am so excited...I can't wait for the whole weekend...especially the getting away part...

So...sleepy time, then airplane time!!

Yay!!

So Much To Do...

I can't believe that tomorrow we leave for Cali...wow. Time flies...like a bat out of hell sometimes!!

I have so much to do...I am finishing up altering my dress, hemming Dianne's dress...picking up last minute everything that we need, and I still have to pack!!

So much to do...so little time, as always. But it will all be worth it when we get there!!

Done and Done...

I finished the chair today...and dropped it off!! I am so glad that it is out of my life...

When I am happy after everything is done and dropped off, I feel like I could do it again. Like it's all worth it to see the final product and to see how happy they are to get it back.

But, I have to remember that it's really not. Totally not.

I need every shred of my sanity that I have left...and I am not wasting it on other people...

;-)

I Can't Do This...

I just can't.

I can't do this anymore.

My head, my heart, my soul...are all bound when I try to do this sort of thing for work. I feel empty, drained, .lifeless.

I can't do this anymore. I want a better life for myself...

I love doing this sort of thing...but I want to do it for me...not for anyone else.

I just have to learn to say no...

NO.

No more.

Sorry.

I Remember Now...

...why I can't do this anymore.

I remember why I gave up this line of work...it is all so clear now...

I remember the long nights, the endless hours, the countless questions and unending doubts...

I remember the ego blows and dwindling self-esteem...

I remember why I had to leave...

And why I have to stay away.

This Week...

This week is going to be another crazy one. I have to finish re-upholstering a chair on top of work and prepping everything for the wedding.

I hate it when I do this to myself. I might *sometimes* have a tendency to overload myself with work...say yes to too many things...then end up working too much. But only sometimes...maybe.

So, whatever happens--I know that time marches on. So if one day is terrible, the next day is still on its way, and it can be better than the last!

All I can do is cross my fingers, and hope that this week isn't too trying...

One Week...

Only one week until the wedding!!! I can't wait!!

That's really all I can think about today...it is going to be so much fun!!

Night Off...

It is nice to have a Friday night off. Lately I have been working a lot of Friday nights--I traded tonight for another night, and it is lovely to get to spend quiet time with Ryan instead of a quiet night at TCS...

Someday, I will have a job where I have evenings off...where I can be home every night, and every weekend....someday...

Apologies...

Wow...I can't believe it's been 2 weeks since I have really added a new post. I have several in the works, but haven't had the time or energy to complete them.

Explanation: this time of year--though I LOVE Christmas, is not easy for me. I suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder, as some of you already know, and the past week especially has been not so great.

But, I am working on getting posts up for the last 2 weeks. Thank you all for your patience and support.

Happy Holidays!!

my god micah...

Tonight we got to watch our friends' band , my god micah, play at the Larimer Lounge...it was quite fun!

If you haven't heard them, or of them--you need to give them a listen. They have amazing original music...and they are awesome live.

I might be slightly biased, simply because Ryan and I first started hanging out again back in January...the reason: my god micah. Ryan invited me to their first show. And every show since.

But all biases aside, these guys are amazing. Catch their next live show in Denver--you won't regret it!

Joker Kitty...

I am feeling a little better today...still trying to keep myself from falling back into the sad state I was in yesterday...but doing better nonetheless.

It helps to have something else to focus on, and today I have Kairi to take care of. I feel so badly for her--she had an infected lip right now. I don't know what causes it...but imagine what having the lips of the Dark Night's Joker on a cat would look like...that's what Kai's left lip looks like. I know you are probably giggling at the thought...but my poor baby is hurt!!

So I spent my free time between work calling the vet to get the right medicine all ready for her, and then after work this afternoon I drove the 40 minutes to get them. I just wish that it would make her better right away...I feel so terrible every time I see her poor swollen lip...

Don't worry, of course it seems that she has no idea she is injured. Which means she will *love* swallowing the pills...or not...

I'll keep you posted on how she is doing, because that is what crazy cat moms do. :-)

Hitting the Wall...

A very dark, very hard wall.

Someplace very alone...separate from the rest of the world...where no one can touch me.

There are days I live here...alone, untouched. Not because no one reaches out...but just because I can't feel them.

There are Good Times...and Bad Times...

It gets difficult...some days.

Out of nowhere, the depression will hit me...and I won't even know it. All I know is I want to be alone...because I am better off alone.

It feels so dark, so empty...and I feel sad--very sad, but I don't feel like I deserve more.

No more than the emptiness and loneliness.

There are bad times...

Positive Feedback...

Today was a pretty great day at work. I got to help with a Gift Wrap and Bow Demonstration (which is my favorite part of working on the weekends right now), and then I had my 60-day review...which was 30 days late. (Which means, yes all you math wizards are correct--I have been at TCS for 90 days!!)

My review went really well. Turns out they like me a lot, and enjoy having me on the team. They would like me to step up as more of a leader...which I am not opposed to doing, I just am hoping that I am really ready to go back to that.

It was really great to get good feedback...I love my job, and I am glad they love me back.

Yay TCS!!

Christmastime is here!!!

We are in full holiday mode at TCS, so I get to hear holiday music ALL THE TIME at work...and I love it!!

I love listening to all the Christmas carols, imagining the perfect holiday evening...

Driving around looking at Christmas lights, then skating on an outdoor rink all decked out in Christmas lights...then walking around in the fresh snow and building a snowman...then retiring by the fire next to the Christmas tree and snuggling under a blanket watching Christmas movies...

Sigh.

I love Christmastime. Everyone is so nice and cheerful, there is an air of giving...everyone thinking of their loved ones and making them happy...thinking how they can bring joy into someone else's life...

I love it. So very much.

Stitch by Stitch...

Little by little, I am getting everyone's Christmas gifts done. My crochet a day is really helpful in getting everything ready in time!

I find it funny...that I can turn a skein of yarn into a hat...with just a few hours and some twists of the wrist. It's great fun to watch everything take form...little by little.

It reminds me that life is sometimes the same way. It takes time...and everything is made stitch by stitch, little by little. Not everything comes easily--sometimes trying to follow the pattern is difficult...and sometimes you change the pattern to better suit you. But oftentimes, it takes time to see the form of what you are actually making...

Little by little...stitch by stitch.

I am making a better life than before.

IT'S DECEMBER!!!!

Just hear those sleigh bells jingling ring-ting-tingling tune....come on its lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you!!

Walking in a Winter Wonderland!!!

Up on the rooftop reindeer paws, down through the chimney with Santa Claus!!

Oh come O ye faithful, joyful and triumphant!!

I love Christmas carols...I do. I am so excited that it is December!! Yes, I hate the cold--and YES I hate driving in the snow...but I LOVE the Christmas season. It is my favorite winter holiday and quite possibly the only reason I survive the winters.

I am definitely looking forward to this month...Ryan and I get to go to California for my brother's wedding in just a few short weeks, Christmas is almost here, and I get to spend lots of time with my family and friends.

Yay December!! Yay Christmastime!! I am SO glad you're here!!