Too much?

I often wonder if I expect too much...

...from life.
...from other people.
...from myself.

The problem is...to expect any less, would not be me.

I also wonder sometimes if the world is just trying to tell me I'm just not that important.

If I could remember...

I remember things being ok for a while after our vacation.
I remember us sleeping in separate places.
I remember the sad puppy dog eyes you would give me when I couldn't just forgive and forget it all.
I remember trip after trip to therapy, and wondering if it would ever make a difference.
I remember countless fights and endless nights, and being so thankful I had a job to go to.
I remember coming home, and doing nothing but sitting on the couch and watching tv.
I remember thinking it was never going to change...
I remember wishing it could change.

If I could remember everything...
Would I want to?

Fresh Start

I need to start over.

I need a new place, new faces...somewhere the memories don't haunt me.

Today I just want to turn off the whole world, just make it all turn blank for a while...break out my crayons and color it happy for once.

I want to not hurt...for even just a day. To not be angry...to not have hatred still lingering...even for just a day.

The worst part is knowing I could yell and scream, and the people I want to hear it would just continue to pretend I'm dead.

I think he still doesn't know how much he hurt me, and how much I hate him for it.

I don't think he knows how much he still hurts me, and I don't think he'll ever care...even though I tried so hard, and tried to be so gentle when I left.

I need to be somewhere far away from here. I need another chance.

I need a fresh start.

Lisa

Happy New Year

It has been a while since I have written...since I have actually put my own words, my own thoughts out here. Apologies, it has been rough. And I have also been lacking in keeping up communication-wise, so if you are one of the many that I have let down...again, apologies. This season was much more difficult than I had anticipated.

I write fromTucson again...from the lovely place that helps to calm my heart and free my soul....and clear my mind. I am so thankful to have a respite here....to have a place and loving person to turn to always....

I am not even sure where to begin. I thought that I might skate through the holidays unscathed...not sure why I thought that....maybe it was just hope. Nonetheless, I felt a little battered and bruised at the end, and am glad it is all over.

I can tell you that there are going to be a lot of "one year ago" moments...not only in this blog but in many more to come. My life right now compared to one year ago is really night and day...and I know it will take a lot of time to work through all that has happened.

Christmas day was rough. Extremely rough. I never thought that I wouldn't want to be with my family on Christmas...but I turned around once after leaving home, then had to pep talk myself into going the second time...I have not felt so weak in a long time. Then the greeting I received was not as I had expected...nothing was as expected. But it was fine. "They" tell you that you never know what you are going to feel, and that was true for me.

I felt all the pain of the last year...in a moment...all day. The anger of betrayal, the agony of defeat...the rawness of love once lived. I felt every fiber of my being wanting to cry--wanting to scream out and run away, and the very same fibers fighting to stay calm. I felt the emptiness of a part of me lost, the hollow in my chest where the wound is still healing...I felt the cold of being alone, and lost. I felt the chains of fear and the prison of doubt.

But I also felt the warmth of hope. The brightness of a life found...the glow of a new day. I felt joy of a new promise...a new life. And the love of friends and family.

A year ago today, we were just starting a family vacation...with all my favorite people. At that time...I still had hope that my marriage would not end. I needed to trust and not be disappointed...unfortunately....that would not happen.

A year ago today, I thought I knew exacty what my life would be...I had a plan--well, there really was just a plan for me. Now I stand, unsure of the next step, but ready to take it--right or wrong.

I resolve to live the life I want to live, love the love I want to love, and be the person I want to be. I resolve to live each day to its fullest, to no longer regret--to accept and learn from my mistakes--and to grow and learn from them, then move on. I resolve to love more completely than I ever have before...my friends, my family....my love....I resolve to never again live half-assed, to be comfortable and happy with comfortable. I resolve to push the limits, to push myself, and to change--myself, and my world for the better.

The past year was the most trying of my life. I lost my marriage, my best friend of many years, many friends, and my dear dear friend and brother, Cedric. I learned that I cannot always stand on my own, that I do need a hand to hold and a shoulder to lean on at times....and that is OK.

I gained a bunch of wonderful friends...closer friendships that have helped to grow my heart and strengthen my soul. I gained a friendship that flowered into love, that showed me I could love again...and trust again. And even though that was lost, I learned that my heart beats all the stronger. I gained a ukelele and a renewed love for my guitar, and a stronger love for music and the voice it gives the soul. I gained a respect for the unknown, for walking a path that is undecided.

I have also gained a new respect for love....for the kind of love that cannot be explained. For the illogical, ridiculous, outrageous love...the kind that has no idea how it will make it...how it could possibly work....but it decides to live another day, to give it another shot...because it wants to.

So thank you--to all of you who have made this year amazing: Ted, Poosh, Jon, Sophie, Cedric, Emmy, Sharon, Butch, Sunny, KT, Wally, and all my friends at the koi pond (can you please return my ipod?). Without you, this year would not have been the same, by any measure. You have each touched my life in a way (or in many ways) that I will never forget. I am sure I would not have made it to this point without you....thank you, from the bottom of my heart. Much love to you all.

I start this new year with a full heart...and a full head. ;) As usual, there is never enough time to write it all. I look forward to the adventure of the next year....

First Day of My Life

By Bright Eyes

This is the first day of my life.
I swear I was born right in the doorway.
I went out in the rain,
Suddenly everything changed,
They're spreading blankets on the beach

Yours is the first face that I saw.
I think I was blind before I met you.
Now I don't know where I am,
I don't know where I've been,
But I know where I want to go.

And so I thought I'd let you know,
Yeah, these things take forever,
I especially am slow.
But I realize that I need you,
And I wondered if I could come home.

Remember the time you drove all night,
Just to meet me in the morning?
And I thought it was strange you said everything changed,
You felt as if you just woke up.
And you said "This is the first day of my life,
I'm glad I didn't die before I met you.
But now I don't care, I could go anywhere with you,
And I'd probably be happy."

So if you want to be with me,
With these things there's no telling,
We just have to wait and see.
But I'd rather be working for a paycheck,
Than waiting to win the lottery.

Besides maybe this time it's different,
I mean I really think you like me.

Mistletoe, and Other Things

This time one year ago, I was fighting to save my marriage. Not myself, or what I believed, but that intangible thing we all recognize. I was losing myself in a battle I knew was already lost.

Going through the holidays with a facade, was so difficult...going on a vacation with a facade was easier somehow, but I knew it couldn't last long. I still can't believe that no one noticed....no one knew...

I am not looking forward to all that I will be feeling over the next week. I have not been single on Christmas for so long...since I was a young teenager.

I see things..like the mistletoe...and wish that I had someone to share it with. I wish that I had someone to cuddle me all Christmas Eve, and hold me Christmas morning.

Part of me is so angry to be alone right now...this is not what I wanted.

But I have to let that go...because this is what I have.

Do You Recognize Me?

All through the years,
I thought I knew who I was.
I stood on my own,
And held my head high.
I walked alone,
And with you by my side.

But I look at those pictures now,
And I don't know who it is.
I can't recognize
That girl staring back at me.

I walk alone, again,
My own will to keep me strong.
I smile for the photos,
And laugh when it's right...

But I still look at these photos,
And I don't see me.
Who is that woman,
And where have I gone?

Now, what do you see?
Do you recognize me?
Because I see the girl in the mirror,
And she doesn't seem like me.

Is she someone stronger?
Someone more self-reliant?
Does she love more freely?
Is she less afraid to make mistakes?

I guess we will see...

What Was Lost for What Was Gained

That ornament...
On the Christmas tree,
The sparkly clown,
It reminded me....
What has been lost.

That lovely little girl,
Will never again
Run to meet me,
Will never again
Call me "Leesee."

Her hand will never
Clasp mine again
As we cross a street.
Never again
Will we color
All through church.

This time of year
Reminds me of
What was lost.

Cousins,
Running about.
Challenging foosball.
Playing Mario.
Piggy back rides
And trampoline jumps.

Aunts, Uncles...
Extended family
All about.
Laughter and Love,
Shared stories
From the year.

Half a family...
What has been lost.

And what has been gained?

A quiet home,
All alone.
Two children,
Cuddled close by.
Kisses and warmth.
A Christmas tree,
Of my own...
My memories on display.
Moments gained.

A sense of self,
Of who I am again.
Knowing I have failed,
And knowing
I can get up again.
My own thoughts,
Processed and weary,
Incomplete and beautiful.

Another chance at Love,
At a Love that will fit me,
And not the other way around.
A brighter future,
My own future...
My own choices
And directions
Fully considered
And executed.
What has been gained.

It cannot be measured.
One cannot be weighed
Against the other.

It is only a matter of
What was lost,
And
What was gained.

In a Land of Broken Promises

As I walk,
It feels like the sand dunes,
But not in a good way.

The world shifts beneath me,
And I falter,
As I try to find my bearings.

Each day I am reminded
That I walk alone.

Each day I am reminded
Of the broken promises
That lay shattered at my feet.

I will take care of you.

I will be there for you.

I will always love you.

I want to give us a chance.

I will be all you ever need.

I want us to be friends.

As the world sinks
And as it shifts,
I feel the sharp shards
Of every broken promise.