First Day of My Life

By Bright Eyes

This is the first day of my life.
I swear I was born right in the doorway.
I went out in the rain,
Suddenly everything changed,
They're spreading blankets on the beach

Yours is the first face that I saw.
I think I was blind before I met you.
Now I don't know where I am,
I don't know where I've been,
But I know where I want to go.

And so I thought I'd let you know,
Yeah, these things take forever,
I especially am slow.
But I realize that I need you,
And I wondered if I could come home.

Remember the time you drove all night,
Just to meet me in the morning?
And I thought it was strange you said everything changed,
You felt as if you just woke up.
And you said "This is the first day of my life,
I'm glad I didn't die before I met you.
But now I don't care, I could go anywhere with you,
And I'd probably be happy."

So if you want to be with me,
With these things there's no telling,
We just have to wait and see.
But I'd rather be working for a paycheck,
Than waiting to win the lottery.

Besides maybe this time it's different,
I mean I really think you like me.

Mistletoe, and Other Things

This time one year ago, I was fighting to save my marriage. Not myself, or what I believed, but that intangible thing we all recognize. I was losing myself in a battle I knew was already lost.

Going through the holidays with a facade, was so difficult...going on a vacation with a facade was easier somehow, but I knew it couldn't last long. I still can't believe that no one noticed....no one knew...

I am not looking forward to all that I will be feeling over the next week. I have not been single on Christmas for so long...since I was a young teenager.

I see things..like the mistletoe...and wish that I had someone to share it with. I wish that I had someone to cuddle me all Christmas Eve, and hold me Christmas morning.

Part of me is so angry to be alone right now...this is not what I wanted.

But I have to let that go...because this is what I have.

Do You Recognize Me?

All through the years,
I thought I knew who I was.
I stood on my own,
And held my head high.
I walked alone,
And with you by my side.

But I look at those pictures now,
And I don't know who it is.
I can't recognize
That girl staring back at me.

I walk alone, again,
My own will to keep me strong.
I smile for the photos,
And laugh when it's right...

But I still look at these photos,
And I don't see me.
Who is that woman,
And where have I gone?

Now, what do you see?
Do you recognize me?
Because I see the girl in the mirror,
And she doesn't seem like me.

Is she someone stronger?
Someone more self-reliant?
Does she love more freely?
Is she less afraid to make mistakes?

I guess we will see...

What Was Lost for What Was Gained

That ornament...
On the Christmas tree,
The sparkly clown,
It reminded me....
What has been lost.

That lovely little girl,
Will never again
Run to meet me,
Will never again
Call me "Leesee."

Her hand will never
Clasp mine again
As we cross a street.
Never again
Will we color
All through church.

This time of year
Reminds me of
What was lost.

Cousins,
Running about.
Challenging foosball.
Playing Mario.
Piggy back rides
And trampoline jumps.

Aunts, Uncles...
Extended family
All about.
Laughter and Love,
Shared stories
From the year.

Half a family...
What has been lost.

And what has been gained?

A quiet home,
All alone.
Two children,
Cuddled close by.
Kisses and warmth.
A Christmas tree,
Of my own...
My memories on display.
Moments gained.

A sense of self,
Of who I am again.
Knowing I have failed,
And knowing
I can get up again.
My own thoughts,
Processed and weary,
Incomplete and beautiful.

Another chance at Love,
At a Love that will fit me,
And not the other way around.
A brighter future,
My own future...
My own choices
And directions
Fully considered
And executed.
What has been gained.

It cannot be measured.
One cannot be weighed
Against the other.

It is only a matter of
What was lost,
And
What was gained.

In a Land of Broken Promises

As I walk,
It feels like the sand dunes,
But not in a good way.

The world shifts beneath me,
And I falter,
As I try to find my bearings.

Each day I am reminded
That I walk alone.

Each day I am reminded
Of the broken promises
That lay shattered at my feet.

I will take care of you.

I will be there for you.

I will always love you.

I want to give us a chance.

I will be all you ever need.

I want us to be friends.

As the world sinks
And as it shifts,
I feel the sharp shards
Of every broken promise.

Day by day

There are days
I feel I might not get through.

There are hours
That seem to last
An eternity.

These months,
Have passed so quickly.
So why does it feel
Like I have been alone forever?

In a few short weeks,
I will find myself
In another set of numbers
On the calendar
Which are not kind to me.

They are just numbers,
So why do I hate them so?
Why am I so anxious?
Can't I just skip February?
And maybe March too?
April is not that great,
May maybe worse.
June is not too bad,
July is even better....
But then we are back to August....

Day by day,
Hour by hour,
I have to let these memories fade.
I have to make new memories...

Day by day,
Moment by moment,
I have to take life
As it comes...
As it is.

As I am.

Isn't it ironic...don't you think?

Every day on my commute to work, I drive past the place where we went to marriage counseling.

Last week, the billboard next door changed....

It's now an ad for a divorce attorney.

Irony.

Happy Holidays...

What am I supposed to feel,

When for the first time ever

I come home to a mostly empty home,

Just my kittens to welcome me?

While they love the tree,

And the ornaments too,

I don't think they see this time of year

The same way I do.

For the first time,

I have no one to share hot cocoa with

As we sit by the fire night after night,

Discussing what to get our brothers,

And what not to get our parents,

And what wrapping paper and bows

I want to use for each.

There's no secret hiding spot

For gifts I have made,

No game of hide and seek

For what is in store for me.

There are no hints dropped for me,

And no hints for me to drop...

No mistletoe to pause under,

And only 3 stockings on the fireplace.

As I wander through each party,

There's no one beside me,

Placing their hand on the small of my back

To comfort me as I engage in social interaction.

No one to bring me a drink

Or drive me home in the ice cold snow.

But there is also no one

To hold me back,

To talk over me,

To make me worry,

To stress me out,

To hurt me so.

So in this haze of holidays,

I wish you all the best...

I wish all of you the best.

I may not be ready

To walk this part alone,

But I will.

Because I know,

It's what I need to do.

Happy Holidays.

Miss Fix-it

Why do I have to know?

Because if I know what's wrong, then I can find a way to fix it. When I started fixing sewing machines...I had no idea how to fix a machine. No one taught me what to do. I figured it out on my own. Every now and then, I have gotten some instruction for some crazy fixes, but other than that I have figured it all out on my own.

So if I know what caused the problem, then I should be able to fix it, right? I haven't met a sink, toilet, hinge, costume, machine that I couldn't fix. So why can't that be true in all things?

I have to learn that I cannot fix everything.

These hands can only do so much. This mind can only wrap itself around so much. I am not so amazing that I can fix everything....no one can.

It's not all about me.

It is not all about me.

I am only half of anything....

Except....I am all of me.

And that's all I have to offer.

That's all I can offer.

And that is enough.

I can fix me, where I need fixing. Because we all need some tune-ups here and there. But I cannot fix someone else. I cannot solely fix a relationship.

I can't be everything to everyone.

I can't be all things to all people.

I can be me. It is all that I should have to be. If I am not myself, no one will be me for me.

That sounded so weird. But it makes sense to me, and maybe it will make sense to you too.

In a nutshell:

I can't fix everything.

I can't fix everyone.

I can fix me.

I need to be me.

You need to be you.

Everything else, will work out the way it's supposed to.

Igloo 8

As the cold outside get colder,
As the days get shorter,
As the nights grow longer
And leave me stranded in my thoughts...
I wonder what it feels like to be whole again.

As the wind slices through my coat,
As the snow soaks through my boots,
As my breath leaves a trail in the air
And reminds me of how cold it is here...
I wonder what it feels like to be warm again.

It feels like forever ago
That I felt like I was complete,
Like I was enough.
I used to know everything I wanted....
Now I know so many things
That I don't want.

This cold...this snow....
Is what it used to feel like
All the time in my heart,
And in my soul.
Where you are so cold,
You're numb.
All you know is,
You're cold.
And you don't want to be....
Anymore.

There may be no more ice blocks,
Not even the imprints remain.
But the flowers have died too.
I will have to wait...
For the springtime
In my heart,
For them to blossom again.

I just have to remember,
For every winter,
There is a summer....
And every summer
Has a winter.
Every memory made
Has another waiting to be made.
Every smile has its frown...

Each feeling of loneliness
Has a balance of companionship.
Moments of doubt,
Their partners of understanding.
Days of tears,
Look for days of laughter.

I look for my days of laughter,
As I wait in my days of cold.

104 More Words...104 More Days

Fall
Leaves
Autumn
Koi
Pond
School
Work
Play
Rocks
Drives
Winter
Snow
Cold
Ice
Lost
Learning
Growing
Showing
Forgetting
Forgiving
Friends
Brother
Sister
Family
Near
Far
Gone
Yesterday
Wishing
Caring
Tomorrow
Living
Breathing
New
Old
Life
Teaching
Start
End
Broken
Found
Inches
Miles
Missed
Forgotten
Written
Left
Day
Night
Again
Eat
Sleep
Repeat
Wanting
Waiting
Ukulele
Guitar
Chords
Melodies
Verse
Phrase
Sung
Shared
Release
Renew
Disappoint
Re-appoint
Fly
Change
Strange
Sunshine
Future
Bright
Without
Within
With
Pair
Solo
Final
Begin
Once
Twice
Fail
Succeed
Bench
Letters
Saffron
Tea
Mistakes
Hollow
Fire
Warmth
Together
Hold
Smile
Joke
Laugh
Moving
Forward
Knit
Split
Forever
Done