Oh, Autumn...

I know it has been awhile. My apologies. Between work, school, raising a puppy and life; I have completely neglected this blog for a while. Can't promise I'll be able to write more just yet--I am only a month away from finals and we're getting into the busy season at work. But hopefully, soon I will find more time. (And when I do, I will let you borrow my time machine.)

It's all been pretty much business as usual. Work, school, feed puppy, feed cats, feed husband, sleep. Repeat. But much more fun and interesting than that sounds. ;-)

Watch this.

Then we'll talk about it.

Ok, watched it? Pretty amazing, right?

We actually watched that at work this morning. It was part of a presentation we watched from the staff meeting our managers went to a few months ago. I can't remember the name of the presenter who incorporated this video into his presentation, but his point really hit home.

He said that one of his friends told him that this is what purpose sounds like, for four reasons:

-You have to know the words.

-You have to step up when it's your turn.

-You have to listen to each other, communicate, and harmonize.

-You have a beautiful song to sing.

I thought that was amazing. It is easy for all of us to get discouraged, to feel lost and distracted.

But we each have a purpose. We have to learn the words. We must be prepared to step up when it's our turn. We must listen to each other. And we have to always remember that we have a beautiful song to sing.

And we are the only one who can sing it.

10 years...

10 years ago today, my Grandfather passed away.

10 years ago today my Dad, Grandma, aunt, cousin and I watched as he took his last breaths...

How come it still feels like it was last year? Why do I still miss him so? Why do I still forget that he's gone sometimes?

I can never imagine what my Grandmother feels...what she thinks. I called her today--she was paying bills. I know she thinks about it, and sometimes I wish we could talk about it. But I wouldn't know what to say, or what to ask.

Sometimes I dream about having the ability to travel through time...what exactly I would do and who I would want to see. I wish that I could talk to Grandpa, back before the cancer wreaked havoc on his brain...

If I could go back, I would probably visit my Grandparents right after they found out that he had cancer. I would tell Grandpa that he should go fishing, build things--do all the things he loved to do--and to skip the brain surgery. The surgery gave us precious time with him, but I always wish that he would have been able to do the things he loved right up to the end.

If I could go back, I would tell myself to forget about boys in high school and instead focus on family and friends. Then maybe I could have spent more time with my Grandfather when he could speak...

There are so many "if I coulds." I try now to focus on the "I am going to's."

Ponderings...

September sometimes gets lost for me, especially towards the end...

My Grandfather passed away on October 1, 2001. This year he has been gone for 10 years.

There are so many moments that it still seems unreal that he is gone. There are still moments that I think how nice it will be to see him when I go visit Tucson...

I can't believe that it has been 10 years. I often wonder what my Grandmother thinks and feels...I can't even imagine.

So, I have been lost in those thoughts lately. Other than that, things are clipping right along at the Borgmann household...

We got a new fridge (and by "we," I mean our landlord bought a new one for us and we received a new fridge...), which is awesome since our old fridge was keeping a relatively steady 58 degrees temperature. Not great for keeping pretty much any food safe. Nonetheless, today a new fridge was delivered--and it was too big. Then a few hours later--a newer fridge was delivered! And it fit! So now we are once again able to purchase perishables.

Kaylee is growing like a weed! She has gotten so big! And even though it is 1030PM, she is still running laps around the couch. She has so much energy! She has become fast friends with my brother's cat, Sam. Sam is staying with us until tomorrow evening, and I am sure that both he and Kaylee will be very sad to be separated. (Now it's not just Kaylee making laps--Sam is too.)

Ryan gave me a wonderful surprise today--he took me to get an iphone!! I have wanted an iphone for a very very very long time--a very very very long time!! And so far I am loving it! I am so excited--I can't wait to figure out everything about it!

Well, I have to run for now. But more to follow, I am sure...

Pieces...

I left a piece

In the tear-soaked clouds

Of yesterday...

In the dreary gray

Of unendingness,

And seeming nothingness.

I left a piece

In the cold darkness

Of my past,

In the empty promises

Of thoughts past.

I left a piece

And felt it was gone.

I found my peace

In the tear soaked clouds

Of today,

Where tears of joy

Filled the silver linings.

I found my peace

When I saw

The unendingness

And seeming nothingness

Was a promise

Filled with hope.

I found my peace,

In every piece.

A Myriad of New Adventures...

In only a month, so much has changed...

We moved! We were so very fortunate to have found a place that we couldn't normally afford, but we were given a great discount because we know the owner. We basically tripled the amount of space we had in our apartment--and looking at how all of our stuff has filled this new place, I am not sure how we even fit into the old one!

I also started back into school. So far, I am loving my classes! They are basically all parks and recreation courses, but they're not entirely a walk in the pa

rk. (Get it?) Nonetheless, I am thoroughly enjoying the topics and discussions that are a part of my classes. In one class, we spent half a lecture discussing "What is camping?" So far, I am feeling that this is an area of study that I can really apply myself to.

And most exciting of all--we decided to expand our family!! I introduce to you, Kaylee Serenity!

We decided that something really important for our big move was moving into a place that would allow us to have a dog. So as soon as we found our new place, we started the puppy hunt!

We found Kaylee through Petfinder.com. She was listed as a special needs puppy, and we found out that she was born deaf. Both Ryan and I seemed to know that this little girl was destined to be a part of our family--and so the first day she was up for adoption, we went to visit her! We had no idea how it was going to play out, since we weren't moving for another week. Nonetheless, it must have all been planned--because not only did we have to "race against" someone else to adopt Kaylee, but we also were fortunate enough to get to meet her Foster Parents; who lovingly offered to keep her for one more week so we could bring her home once we moved!

Neither Ryan nor I are entirely sure how we are going to train a deaf dog. But we know that we are ready and willing for the challenge. We are so happy to have grown our family--and the cats are too (for the most part...or at least partially.) Kaylee is fitting in beautifully! She is happy, playful, strong, funny and loving. We are very happy to have been so blessed with 3 wonderful children!

Sora and Kairi are really enjoying the new house! Sora loves having lots of space to wander and get lost in, and Kairi seems to really enjoy having a sister! While Kaylee is a little energetic for the other kids right now, I have a feeling that they all will settle in together just fine.

So, from our busy house to yours--Happy Thursday!

The Art of Friendship...

I know people who have dozens upon dozens of friends, and not just "facebook friends;" but people that they actually talk to and hang out with on a regular basis.

I am not one of those people. I have a small handful of close friends that chat and spend time with. I find it amazing that some people can maintain friendships with so many people...

Two things come to mind when I think about friendship. One: when I started therapy 2 years ago, one of my goals was to have close female friends. I always had an easy time making guy friends, but I really felt like I needed a little more estrogen support. I am so happy to say now that I have several close gal pals! I can't imagine my every day life without their friendship, and I can't describe the difference it has made having my girlfriends in my life. (This is not to say my guy friends aren't awesome. They are. It's just that girls are a different sort of awesomeness that cannot be understood, only experienced.)

Two: friendship should never require promises...I think about friends that I have had in the past who said that they would always be there for me; friends who promised we would "always be friends." Typically, this type of friendship goes one of two ways: 1)life carries you two in separate directions, but you know that if you ever need someone to talk to you can call your old friend even though you haven't talked in eons...or 2) life carries you two in separate directions and the friendship disappears and you become merely acquaintances.

I have both types of friendships in my life. It's amazing to think that I have a friend that I made in kindergarten (was that when we met Stacy??)--and we still keep up with each other's lives. But it is also very sad that I have people that I barely ever hear from that used to be my best friends.

It happens. Life does pull us each in different directions, and that's ok. Sometimes friends are just put into our lives in a particular moment because we need them in that moment--or they have something to teach us that we need from that moment on...

Friendship is an art form. Being able to be a friend and have friends can become such a juggling act.

Fortunately, I married my very bestest friend. So I get to spend most of my time maintaining that friendship--and it's fun! But I still am very thankful for the other friends in my life, whether we chat weekly or yearly--I know each one has a very special contribution to the fullness of my life.

The Sand Dunes...

Sigh...

There are mornings I really wish that Ryan and I could spend all our time adventuring. Just get away from the everyday mundane and see extraordinary things every day...

But then I remember that there are extraordinary things every day, if we just open our eyes and look for them.

I wake up every morning to my wonderful husband, who kisses me goodbye before he leaves. Already today I have watched my two kids chase each other around, looked over Kairi as she fell asleep in a laundry basket, had a conversation with Sora about the size of our apartment, and seen a million shades of green just outside our windows. Also, our apartment is nearly 100% clean and clutter-free--if that's not extraordinary, then I don't know what is.

Just watching the clouds gather over the mountains, how the grass sways in the breeze, the sun shining down over everything...it's all beautiful and extraordinary.

Someday there will be a time when we get to put all of our energy into wonderful adventures...but until then, I will learn to love the everyday extraordinary.

The Next Adventure...

We have a very tiny apartment. If you took a postage stamp, folded it into quarters--that's about the size of it. Ok, maybe just into thirds...

When we were hunting for our first apartment together, we began to realize how crazy our daily lives are. I regularly drive to Denver and the DTC for school and work at Flatirons. Ryan drives into Longmont daily for work, and then drives all over Colorado from there. So our hunt for the perfect place had to be a location fairly friendly for all that driving.

Throw into the mix that we have 2 cats. So pet-friendly was a must.

After much searching and much-ado, we found an apartment. It was small in square footage and did not have a washer/dryer in the apartment (like I had really really hoped), but it was in the right location at the right price.

We lucked out in that our apartment was one of the more updated ones in our complex AND it has an amazing view. We overlook a grazing field for horses and prairie dogs as well as a little creek. I look out our windows and see beautiful green everywhere!! It's probably the best apartment view I have ever had. EVER.

We have been fairly happy thus far, loving the seclusion of our little apartment. But for the past month or so--things have not felt so secluded or happy...

We got several new neighbors...and unfortunately, at least one of them smokes--in their bathroom. And since the vents between the bathrooms are actually connected, that means that our apartment slowly fills up with smoke...which is disgusting, and for Ryan and I--dangerous. We are both asthmatics, and neither of us do well in smoke.

After several emails/phone calls/notes, we have had no resolution to the smoking problem. Our bathroom smells strongly of smoke all day long, and if I don't keep the door closed, it starts to leak out into our entire apartment.

I have talked to some of our other neighbors, and they have complained about the smoke as well. The only thing that was done about the smoke was management posted a note on all of our doors reminding us that smoking was not permitted in the building or within 20 feet of the entrances. The little reminder did not remedy the situation.

So, after much conversation...Ryan and I have decided that if possible, we are going to move our of our apartment before our lease is up. We are hoping that Colorado's Clean Indoor Air Act will provide us the opportunity to leave without penalty.

Our next adventure is on the horizon! I guess we will see where we end up...

Direction...

Once again, I find myself searching for direction in my writing/blogging. This little blog started to grow out of the pain of divorce, and continued to grow throughout my search for myself--and new love.

I spent so many hours writing about pain, loneliness, emptiness, brokenness, confusion and loss...and even hope. I used to write so easily when I was hurting, even when I was growing up. When I felt alone or misunderstood, I could write all my feelings out better than I could speak them.

So now that I have a whole new life--filled with joy and love--what do I write about? I am not as poetic when it comes to love and such mushy things...although I wrote several versions of my vows to Ryan, only one I deemed "good enough" to actually read in front of everyone. I find that most often my happy-lovey-dovey feelings feel most accurately expressed in song...not ones that I write, of course. But those which I have heard so many times that every note is burned into my brain, and if I knew how to play each instrument--I could be a one-women band. The songs that play over and over in my head...where I can hear each strum of the guitar, beat of the drum and hum of each word...

I also find that Ryan and I have so many adventures together...already! Sometimes even just a trip to the store turns out to be an adventure! And sometimes, our planned-to-be-peaceful-Sunday-morning-hike turns into a somewhat life-threatening adventure too. (That story, coming soon!)

So...as I look forward to what I want to write about, I feel most inspired by music and adventure...and a touch of our past. I would love to regale you all with stories from my parents and grandparents--which I may very well do sometimes.

I feel that once again, a name change is in order for my blog. I love that I can change it up whenever I want. So far, it has only had two different names:

Who am I, Who will I be?

Of Life and Love...

And now I think it shall be called...

I Left My Heart In...

Circle of LIfe...

It's funny how one moment I was running around like crazy planning a wedding, and all of a sudden I'm running around in the "back to normal life" mode. It seems like only yesterday I was starting on my dress...

As much fun as it was, I am really glad to be back to a normal life. Not having a wedding to plan opens up so much free time! It's nice to crochet, hike, blog, cook dinner, do laundry...and even clean!!

I love being married to Ryan. I love the relationship we have...it's truly amazing! We think alike in all the right ways, and have completely different brains in all the right ways. It is amazing to wake up every day knowing that someone has my back all the way, and that someone loves life just as much as I do.

So, being married is awesome. I think Ryan likes it too. ;-)

Now, if we could just keep our non-air conditioned apartment under 80 degrees, that would be amazing.

Unexpected...

I was at work the other day, ringing up a customer's transaction when I looked up to see something that I had hoped to never see again...my ex's parents.

I couldn't believe the instantaneous reaction I felt...my throat tightened, I felt light-headed, I started to shake...it was unbelievable.

I immediately took my leave from the area, fortunate to not have been seen by the unexpected visitors. Fortunately my manager allowed me to retreat to the break room for a bit...which was definitely needed since I didn't stop shaking for a good 20 minutes.

I had not seen them at all since the divorce. It was such a shock to see them at all let alone in my own little world of TCS...

The more I think about it, the more I wish that I would not have reacted that way...I mean, the shaking couldn't be helped--it's just what my body was going to do. But I can't run from them forever...and I won't. Next time, I will be more prepared, and more ready to do what needs to be done. I may not walk over to help them find what they are looking for, but I will not run. It's my turf and it's filled with my peeps. If anything were to go wrong, I would be surrounded by friends to back me up.

So, life goes on. It always will. And somewhere, they will be there...because life goes on for them too.

Life's Stories...

It's amazing to me how fast everything changes...how much our lives change in moments...

I can't believe that it's already July...almost halfway through July in fact!! I have registered for classes already, and I can't believe that in just over a month it will be back to school time...

So much has changed, yet so little. Married life is wonderful--on so many levels. It is great to introduce Ryan as my husband, it is wonderful to know that we share an unbreakable bond and commitment...but most of all--it is refreshing to have lots more free time since we are no longer planning a wedding!!

Our wedding was wonderful...everything was beautiful and thoughtful...it was the best day so far!

Now, don't take that to mean that everything went perfectly as planned...I did get my veil stuck in a tree just as my Dad and I started walking down the aisle...and of course we had other goof-ups--and by "we," I mean me of course.

But it was meaningful and joyful--full of our families and friends (and joy felt from afar for those who could not join us).

It was full of personal touches...littles things that made us smile. It was a beautiful piece to our story. But not the best day of ours lives ever--that I am sure is yet to come!!

It was a day we will never forget!! And I wouldn't change one moment of it.

You can view all our wedding photos on Austyn's Website (she is the amazing photographer we can thank for all our photos!!)

So, on June 28th, 2011--Ryan and I started a new chapter in our lives' stories. And now our stories become one--a story with many facets and points of view, but one shared between two people who love each other more than anything in the world.

We're Married!!

Yay!!! It's true!! We are finally married. :-) And very happy indeed.

So, I apologize for the very large gap of time where I did not blog...but now I have no wedding planning to do, so I am hoping that I can back into a blogging rhythm.

I will tell all when I don't have to go to sleep...but it was wonderful and perfect. :-)

Happy Wednesday!!

Utah...New Mexico...Roswell...

Well, we were supposed to go to Utah for our vacation...but due to rain and chance of flash floods we ended up in New Mexico!

I will share more of our adventure soon I hope!!

I Don't Have a Future Figured Out Yet...

Taking Chances
by Celine Dion

Don't know much about your life,
Don't know much about your world, but
Don't want to be alone tonight,
On this planet they call earth.

You don't know about my past, and
I don't have a future figured out.
And maybe this is going too fast,
And maybe it's not meant to last.

But what do you say to takin' chances,
What do you say to jumpin' off the edge?
Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or a hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say,
What do you say?

I just want to start again,
And maybe you could show me how to try,
And maybe you could take me in,
Somewhere underneath your skin?

But what do you say to takin' chances,
What do you say to jumpin' off the edge?
Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or a hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say,
What do you say?

And I had my heart beaten down,
But I always come back for more, yeah.
There's nothing like love to pull you up,
When you're lying on the floor there.
So talk to me, talk to me,
Like lovers do.
Yeah walk with me, walk with me,
Like lovers do.
Like lovers do.

But what do you say to takin' chances,
What do you say to jumpin' off the edge?
Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or a hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say,
What do you say?

Don't know much about your life,
And I don't know much about your world.

__________________________________________

One year ago, I posted this same song. I had just gone on a lovely date with a charming fellow, and was completely surprised with how well it all had gone. Except for the moment when I pushed open a door too hard only to find it was locked closed, thereby injuring my wrist. (Remember, that's one of the awkward reasons I gave up dating...)

But he was pure gentleman. He was sweet and caring, strong and defiant...and wouldn't just let me win every game of air hockey. I don't know exactly how he felt when he went home, but he had definitely burned himself into my brain. I spent the night with the song above running through my head...wanting desperately to be able to jump off the edge, but still wishing I could be wearing a parachute....

I can't describe to you all the ways that this charming fellow blew me away. I think that the best example lies in the fact that when we started dating, I told him I could not be in a single committed relationship at the time. I told him I would break his heart (yes, I literally told him I would break his heart...and he laughed!), and that I was dating someone else at the same time.

A reasonable man would have gone running, right? Well, I am glad he has not a single reasonable bone in his body. ;-)

Instead he decided to prove that he was the one for me, despite the fact that I had already made plans to move halfway across the country to be with someone else that I had been dating. But when that someone else moved before me and seemingly forgot me, my charming fellow stepped it up.

He asked if he could come visit me once I moved. He spent every waking moment reminding me that he was around, and that he was ready to do whatever it took to increase my happiness. Day after day, he would spend his time with me. When I had to work every Saturday over the summer, he would come meet me for lunch, and tolerate me as I tried to shove grass clippings down his shirt and/or pants.

We would spend hours talking about our past--what we shared and what we had missed out on each other's lives. We would drive, hike, climb...dream and adventure, all to our own tune. Finally, I realized that I couldn't move to be with someone else...because I had fallen in love with the charming fellow in front of me.

And although he may have fallen asleep the first time I tried to tell him that I loved him, he still stole my heart. It didn't take long before I realized that my life would not be complete without spending every day with this man...that my life would be boring without him...that my heart would never have more love in it than when I was with him.

So, what do I say to taking chances? I say, hell yes. Hearts break, and hearts mend. Higher risk means higher return (I learned that in accounting).

I felt like I was taking a big chance going out on a date with this charming fellow...because I didn't feel like I was ready. But I followed my heart, because for months it had been screaming "GO OUT WITH HIM!!!" (True story.)

So, one year after our first date, and 44 days to our wedding day...I am so happy to spend each and every moment with my wonderful Ryan.

If I ever wonder about the miracle of life, or how much God loves me...all I have to do is wrap my arms around my Ryan and realize that if God made Ryan, then I know He loves me.

Excitement...

I like excitement. I am even a pretty excitable person...I like feeling and sharing it with others. I even got the "Air of Excitement" award at TCS...

So why do I so often get so surrounded by lack of excitement?

This stems from my family's complete and utter lack of excitement about anything concerning the wedding/marriage. The only exception to this rule (at this point in time) are my oldest brother and his wife. Thank God for them.

For a while, my Grandmother seemed excited. When I visited her, we talked and shopped, watched "Up" while I told her how Ryan proposed...and we even talked a little more about the wedding since I came back. I thought she was really excited...until we talked a couple nights ago.

She hasn't bought a plane ticket. I have reminded her several times to do it before the prices go up, but she still hasn't done so.

She told me that she "heard" that the wedding was being postponed a year...so I asked her where she heard that. Then she just said that she was just hoping that I would "come to my senses" and wait another year so I could be "done with school," etc. She was not all that happy when I told her that the wedding was still on for this summer, and she should get her ticket.

If we time travel back to 5 years ago when I was planning my first wedding, her attitude was much the same. When she was helping me shop for a dress for the rehearsal dinner, she told me, "Once you wear white, it's all downhill."

Yup. My Grandmother said that to me, about a month before my first wedding. While she never seemed excited about the first one, she talks about it like others talk about the recent royal wedding--she says it was such a beautiful wedding. Every time she goes to a wedding, she tells me how mine was more lovely.

My brothers--hell, they're guys. I honestly don't expect for them to care much about the wedding--except for where the booze is. And that is fine...I know they care, they're just guys. All of them do actually ask me how planning is going from time to time...much more often than my parents do.

When my older brother's wedding was approaching, there was much "to do" from my parents. They were seemingly constantly chatting with my brother and his (now) wife, they were discussing travel plans, wedding vows...there was much excitement surrounding it all.

In 52 days, Ryan and I will get married.

I have not had my parents ask about the wedding in at least the last month.

It saddens me so that my family seems so disinterested in the wedding. At least once a day I consider the possibility of eloping...but I know I want to share that day with my friends...and my family (whether they want to or not).

My parents and Grandmother got really excited when I decided to go into Accounting. I don't think they have ever expressed such excitement--except for maybe when I told them that Ted wanted to make my job permanent at CU. Maybe. But they have never expressed such excitement for something that was so personal to me...a relationship, an adventure, an idea...

I am starting to feel like my family does not even know me. Or that maybe they just don't care that much about my personal happiness. It is exciting to them when the possibility of me having a great career comes forward, but when a man steps up and loves me more than I ever could have imagined...meh. The History Channel at 2:34AM has more excitement.

So, I am trying to overcome this lack of excitement by trying to create even more of my own, which is difficult. I am so tired of trying to manufacture for them what is not...and may never be there.

Life is great. The trees are turning green, it's warm outside...the sky is bright blue with white puffy clouds, and there is a whole world to explore. I find it hard to contain my excitement about life when I think about all that there is to do in the world--all that already exists! Bugs, birds, prairie dogs, cows, asphalt, combustion engines, drainage ditches, lakes, hay, sunshine...it is all so magical--I don't know how everyone can't be bursting with excitement all the time!

And I will marry the man I love in this gorgeous world. We will live our wonderful little life together in the miracle of what is. We will cultivate a most amazing love...one that will bring tears to people's eyes once we both have died.

And I am excited for that day. I go forth in complete love and trust, knowing that we are supposed to be together forever. Whether anyone else is excited about it or not...whether my family gives two twigs about it...I just want to take my chance to live through a miracle--and that miracle will be the love that Ryan and I share.

The birds will sing to us, the bugs will hum for us, frogs will provide some bass, and the earth will provide a beautiful backdrop. The sky will open wide for us, reminding us we have the whole world, and our whole lives, ahead of us.

Even if no one else shows up, Ryan and I will have the best wedding ever.

500...

This is my 500th post on my blog! Wow...seems like only yesterday I started it...

A lot has happened in 500 posts...and I am sure a lot more will happen in the next 500.

So, thank you all for reading!! I hope you keep coming back for more!

Happy Monday!

Another Day in History...

Years from now, young ones (not mine, someone elses') will ask me where I was when I heard the news that Osama was dead.

I was lounging on the couch with my fiance writing a final paper for school. And by "writing a paper," I mean procrastinating on facebook. Someone's status update alerts me to the news, so I tune in to hear what was going on.

Just before 10PM, President Obama went live.

Ryan and I lounged together and listened, holding hands as we witnessed history.

Neither of us can believe it has been 10 years.

It seems crazy, all that has happened in the last 10 years...

We both recalled where we were on September 11, 2001.

And how erie it was when there were no planes in the skies for days...

Perhaps, this is the start of a whole new era. I told Ryan it all depends on if they cut off the head of the snake, or a head of the hydra.

Time will tell.

For today, good night and God bless.

We are one nation, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all. Let us stay that way.

Awake My Soul...

by Mumford and Sons

How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes.
I struggle to find any truth in your lies.
And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know.
My weakness I feel I must finally show.

Lend me your hand and we'll conquer them all.
But lend me your heart and I'll just let you fall.
Lend me your eyes I can change what you see.
But your soul you must keep, totally free.

Ah, ah, ah, ah. Ah, ah, ah, ah.

Awake my soul.

Awake my soul.

How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes.
I struggle to find any truth in your lies.
And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know.
My weakness I feel I must finally show.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, Ah, ah, ah, ah.

In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die.
Where you invest your love, you invest your life.
In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die.
Where you invest your love, you invest your life.

Awake my soul.

Awake my soul.
Awake my soul.
For you were made to meet your maker.
Awake my soul.

Awake my soul.
Awake my soul.
For you were made to meet your maker,
You were made to meet your maker.

________________________________________

If you have this album, then you know the feeling of this song. It's epic and beautiful...wonderful and touching.

I don't experience God the same way you do....I can pretty much guarantee it. That's part of the beauty of a relationship--it is different for every single person, because every single person is different.

I dont' find God in a church. He doesn't reach me there...He hasn't in a very long time.

But lend me your eyes, and I'll change what you see.

In the brightness of day, I turn my face skyward...and the warm rays soak my skin...I get goosebumps. I feel God wrapping his arms around me, saying "I am right here. I always have been, and I always will be."

As the sun sets, I am mesmerized by the brilliant colors...as my eyes dance across the horizon, I see God smiling at me, saying "I am right here. I always have been, and I always will be."

As my hands brush wheat and grass, the rough and the smooth awakening my fingertips...I feel God's touch. He holds His fingertips out, saying "I am right here. I always have been, and I always will be."

As I climb up a large rock, its surface warmed by the sun; when my hands find the perfect hold...I feel God's hand holding mine as He says, "I am right here. I always have been, and I always will be."

In the dark quiet of the night, the cool breeze blows past...rustling the leaves on the trees. I hear God's whisper saying "I am right here. I always have been, and I always will be."

God awakens my soul, not in a church...but in His home where He meets me.

He made me the way I am, and so He meets me where He knows He can reach me best.

Where I see God in the green grass, the tiniest calf in the field, the blue of the sky and the surreal clouds; others may see Him at the pulpit at a church, in the words of a hymnal or sermon, or even in the fellowship of others.

How can I deny how I have been made? I can't. There is a reason for the way I am, and someday I will know that reason.

For now, I will embrace it.

And I will continue to build my relationship the only way I know how.

Lend me your eyes, I can change what you see...but your soul you must keep totally free.

Awake my soul.

For I was made to meet my Maker.

Senioritis...

Only one semester back in school, and I already have senioritis. Maybe it's because it's springtime...maybe it's because I am so tired of being in school. Who knows.

I am loving the spring right now...oh how I have missed it! The trees and bushes behind our house have started to grow little buds, one tree is already decked-out in tiny perfectly green leaves....it is so beautiful! The grass has even started turning green! I am so excited for summer!!

Only a couple more weeks, and I will be done with school...until the fall. But the break will be nice.

Especially since I still need to make my wedding dress. I have plenty of time....right??

2 Months and Counting...

Two months from now, Ryan and I will be celebrating our wedding day.

I can't believe it's so close!! We have so much to do...I have so much to do...

In a way, I am really happy that the wedding plans are so haphazard and vague. Ryan and I have spent much more time concerning ourselves with our marriage than with our wedding...and I am very thankful for that.

So, we might not have the right chairs, we may run out of cupcakes, the balloons might now be the exact right colors...but we will still get married. And I am certain that I have the right person to share my vows with....regardless of whether his tie matches his shirt.

Heathen...

-Noun

1. An unconverted individual of a people that do no acknowledge the God of the Bible, a person who is neither a Jew, Christian, nor Muslim; pagan.

2. An irreligious, uncultured or uncivilized person.

Pagan

-Noun

1. One of a people or community observing a polytheistic religion, as the ancient Romans and Greeks.

2. A person who is not a Christian, Jew, or Muslim.

3. An irreligious or hedonistic person.

Hedonist

-Noun

1. A person whose life is devoted to the pursuit of pleasure and self-gratification.

(All definitions taken from dictionary.com)

Happy Easter.

I am not a huge fan of being called a heathen on Easter.

No, I did not go to a church service. But I don't attend church anyway.

Does that make me a heathen? According to Webster, no.

I do recognize and accept the God of the Bible, thereby falling into the classification of "Christian."

So, am I uncivilized, uncultured, and irreligious?

Uncivilized...at times. But not really in public arenas. I chew with my mouth closed at dinner.

Uncultured...hardly. I have been fortunate enough to have been educated about other cultures, as well as my own.

So, I guess I am irreligious.

And I am fine with that. I don't particularly enjoy, support, or believe that religions get us to "heaven." There's a relationship for that.

I don't believe it's the rules, the fellowship, the buildings, the memorized prayers that get people into their heaven or "everlasting life." I believe that it is a relationship with God and Christ.

Now, I don't talk about religion a lot...or really at all, especially on this blog. That is because I believe that each person has freedom--a freedom to decide what to believe, how to believe, who to believe. Everyone also has a freedom to not have religion stuffed into their face and down their throats all the time.

I believe that we have free will--free minds to think for ourselves. We are given guidelines for how to live and what to believe. Those guidelines are in place to help us live richer (not $ rich, but experience rich), fuller, more satisfying lives.

Remember that time Jesus yelled at all the men in the temple? Remember how angry he got? Remember how Jesus stayed away from all the "religion" and "religious people?" Yeah, that's all true. He got mad at the men in the temple because they had turned it into a house of moneychangers--i.e., a place not dedicated to worship, etc. He did not hang out with the religious people because they were so unforgiving and stuck on religion.

I used to go to church...a lot. I mean, probably 4 or 5 days a week. Have you seen "Saved?" Way back in the day...I was trying my best to be Hilary Faye...saving souls, being as perfect as can be, hating everyone who was not a "Christian," and judging everyone else's actions. There was never a "good enough," and a distinct lack of forgiveness.

I decidedly left the church because there was a distinct lack of forgiveness for me. My peers judged me for breaking up with the boy I was dating. My friends either turned against me, or ignored me...leaving me alone. My Grandfather died less than a month after I "lost" all of my friends, so I had no one to turn to. Since then, I have only ever attended church with my Grandmother or with my parents on holidays. I decided that I didn't need the church to feel like a lonely sinner.

I would also like to take this moment to articulate my support for the GLBTQ community. So often, Christians are put into an anti-gay category...and honestly, of course they have kind of earned their place there. It is not like the Christian community has been known for its extreme openness to homosexuality.

I don't believe that there is a choice involved in sexuality. I believe that you are born the way you are born, and that is the way God intended you to be. Gay, straight, bisexual, transgender...all of the above are still children of God--and that means that you are still loved by him as you are, where you are.

I don't believe that even if, by some chance, homosexuality is a sin, that it is my place to judge. I just want to be clear--I do not see homosexuality as a sin, sickness or choice. But IF it were, it is not my place to judge...because I am a sinner too--there's NO WAY you'll catch me throwing stones. We can take all our stones together and build a beautiful palace...where we can eat, drink, live, love, and thank God for making us exactly who we are.

So, please do not call me a heathen. I am not so. And please don't shy away from me because I am now clearly labeled "Christian." (Well, some Christians may disagree...so I guess that there is no label fit for me. ;-) I am ok with that.) I welcome everyone--whatever beliefs and whatever paths.

Because you know what? That's what Jesus did. And I am not a lot like Jesus...but I do my best to be what I believe he wants me to be. And I believe that is caring, accepting, loving, thoughtful and helpful.

And if you have questions about my beliefs--feel free to ask. I can't promise that I will always know the answer, but I always appreciate it when people make me think. ;-)

So...Happy Easter, Blessed Passover, Merry Sunday, Happy Day-of-the-week-that-means-no-work-for-some.

Whatever floats your boat, I hope you had a pleasant day. :-)

I Will Roar...

How do you lighten a heavy heart? Especially when that heart is heavy because it wants to help, but doesn't know how, or doesn't think that help will be accepted?

When you get hurt...really hurt, life gets more real. When bad things happen to good people, life gets more real. When you realize that the whole world is not sunshine and ponies, and that people you love will hurt you more than you could ever imagine; life gets more real.

I can't deny my heart, and I can't deny how I feel.

Ever since my divorce, I have wanted to help other women who are or have been in my situation...even those who aren't aware of how bad things have gotten.

If I had paid attention...if someone close to me had gotten through to me...I could have avoided so much pain.

The pain that I went through...still haunts me sometimes. I can still feel it, locked beneath my bones....cracking them at times....taunting my mind with moments I when could have spared myself...it's a black hole, a tar pit that I fear will never leave my soul...

I don't want anyone to go through what I went through. It is not something I would wish on my worst enemy. So if I think that I could help someone avoid the tar pit, I will. Trying not to would be like not slamming on the brakes if I saw a dog crossing the road in front of me...

I have a voice.

It will not be silenced.

Not by hatred.

Not by indifference.

Not by fear.

Not by love.

Not by regret.

Not by anyone.

I HAVE A VOICE.

IT WILL NOT BE SILENCED.

NOT BY HATRED.

NOT BY INDIFFERENCE.

NOT BY FEAR.

NOT BY LOVE.

NOT BY REGRET.

NOT BY ANYONE.

I am Lisa. Hear me roar.

I AM LISA...AND I WILL ROAR.

I will not stand idly by.

I will not stand idly by.

I will not stand idly by.

I WILL NOT STAND IDLY BY.

I have a voice. I did not choose to have these bad things happen to me...and I should have paid attention to the warning signs. Nonetheless, it is not my fault that someone I loved choose to hurt me...

But it still shades everything I see.

It still is a black hole tar pit in my soul...

It still rips apart my heart.

And I will be damned if I let anyone I love go through it without a fight.