You

Why does my life revolve so much 

Around everyone else?

I constantly worry about everyone,

Except me.

How do you hurt, 

Why do you hurt?

How can I help you?

What do you need?

I never seem to be able to ask myself,

What do I need?

Why do I hurt?

What do I want?

I am afraid to hurt others

Or drag them into the depths with me.

I don't know why this is so.

I can't explain it.

I don't know how to change it.

Someday my time will come.

I will get to worry about me,

And someone else too.

And someone will care for me,

The way I care for them.

Today is not that day,

And tomorrow is not looking good either.

But for today and tomorrow,

I will spend my time worrying about you.

It's what I know how to do.

Space

The walls inside my skull seem to be getting tighter.

The thoughts inside my head seem to be expanding.

The battle between the two rages on,

And I don't know which will win.

Will my thoughts stay contained,

Or will my skull explode?

I think I know which will win,

The same one that has won every other battle.

The same one that has proved to overcome.

The one that I always make win.

I know how to keep my thoughts inside,

I know how to contain my emotions.

Little tupperwares inside my skull,

Keep everything right where they need to be.

Keep everything neat, separate.

I will find my space.

I will give space where needed.

Distance...distance...distance.

I know how that works.

So my skull will stay intact.

My thoughts will stay inside.

My emotions will stay hidden.

For now.

Crazy

I have lived in a bubble, 

For so long, trapped.

My life viewed through your eyes,

Guided by your thoughts.

Now that my life is my own again,

How the hell do I do this?

How do I figure this out?

My life was yours for so long,

What do I do now that it is mine again?

What do I do now that I answer to no one but myself?

I hate to hurt,

But I hate to hurt others more than I hate hurting me.

So I will endure any pain,

I will endure any sorrow or strife,

If it will bring you happiness.

So long as I can survive,

So long as I know I will be fine.

Trying to live life upside down

In a hammock doing a handstand.

The heart is a complicated thing.

The soul, even more so I believe.

I will endure.

I will be fine.

Each one, take care of you.

Little by little,

I will still be here.  

I know how to take care of me,

And I want is to help take care of you.

 

Moving Day

Tomorrow, well I guess later today, I am moving. It will be nice to finally unpack, and get settled. I have been living here for 2 months, with a week and a half's worth of clothes. And finally the cats will be free to roam wherever their hearts desire.

I look forward to the new start. I know that a lot of unknowns lay ahead...but I am ready. For whatever it all brings. I am ready.

Moving in the snow. It is fitting because it has been one month since Cedric passed away. How he loved the snow.

There are rollercoasters ahead for me. Some full of emotions, and some that are just part of life in general. I am excited to see what each one holds for me...

Moving day. Moving out, and continuing to move on.

Heartstrings and other things...

Heartstrings and many other things

Have me baffled and reeling.

My heart is flying on wings,

Inside my chest my heart sings!

I have never known such a feeling,

I can't wait to see what tomorrow brings!

These strings tugging at my heart,

I thought I cut them long ago,

Somehow they are playing a part,

And sometimes they feel like they will tear me apart.

I have never felt my heart moved so,

It's time for a whole new start.

All these things are so very new,

At moments I am not sure of what to do.

I take a breath and close my eyes,

Today, will be a surprise.

What tomorrow holds, I have no clue,

But each day, to myself I will be true.

Like a freight train...

There are always words.

Every day, new words.

Running through my head,

Bouncing around inside,

Trying to escape.

There are days the words can't get out.

And they pile up,

Like a freight train going into a tunnel,

Which has no exit.

The words pile up,

One on top of another.

Crushing each other,

Distorting each other.

Then I am left to sort out the rubble.

What is worth saving?

What can be saved?

Sifting ever so carefully,

To find every meaningful remnant.

There are days that the words

Live peacefully inside my head.

They sit quietly,

Never expecting to leave the comfort

Of my skull.

There are always words.

Each day new words.

Each moment new thoughts.

New ideas.

And I wonder,

Who will hear my words?

Who will listen to my words?

We

We lived,
We loved,
We lost.

We lost it all.
WE lost it.
Not just you.
And not just me.
WE.
Despite all else,
There is still a we.
There always will be.

We lived.
And yes we did.
Maybe not the best,
But it was us.
We were in the moment.

We loved,
and yes we did.
If you now deny
The love that existed...
I am truly speechless.
It was there,
Absolutely no doubt.
Good times and bad,
There was love.

We lost,
And we lost big time.
We lost it all...
The love is not gone,
it has just changed drastically.
It is a new creature,
A new being...
It no longer swallows me whole.
It no longer makes me a slave.
It no longer drives me to tears.

We lived,
We loved,
We lost.

WE lost.
We both lost.

Silence

I close my eyes and feel the silence.
It wraps around me like a soft warm blanket.
For once, the silence does not shake me,
It does not seem to want to break me.

The silence holds a promise today,
A brand new hope for tomorrow.
A smile on the horizon,
A hand to hold onto.

Today the silence is my friend.
There is no animosity,
No reminders of things missed,
Only the soft feeling of silence.

Today the silence is not lonely.
There is joy and peace in the lack of noise.
There is a sense of completeness--
A sense of accomplishment today.

The silence may not always be so kind.
Tomorrow the silence my not be so gentle,
It may decide to break me once again.
But for today, the silence is precious.

Today, the silence holds a promise.

Igloo 2

My hands are cold--freezing.
I stand here, holding a block of ice
From the ceiling of my igloo.
Halfway down to the ground,
But halfway back up.
I stare at this block of ice,
Wondering if as soon as I put it down,
I will want to put it right back up.

So, I am stuck here.
Halfway down, halfway up.
It would be much easier right now,
If I just continued to carry it down
And set it down on the ground.
But I stand here,
Because I am not sure that I will not want
To put the ice block back as soon as it touched the ground.

My hands are freezing,
And my body is shaking.
What should I do?
Will I want this ice block back?
Will I prefer the land of solitude and ice
Over whatever lies outside the igloo?

Tiny water drops fall from my hands
As the ice begins to melt.
How much longer will I have to stand here?
When will I know what is the right choice?

Slowly, I lower the ice block to the ground,
Letting it go,
Today I will trust.
Today I will believe.
Tomorrow...will bring whatever it has planned.

Today I will trust.
Today I will have faith.
Today I will not be perfect.

I will just be me.