Anniversaries

I have noticed that many of my friends are coming up on wedding anniversaries...and mine would have been coming up in a month as well...can I ask if it is fitting that we didn't make it to the "leather" anniversary? (That would be the "traditional gift" for the 3rd anniversary.)

I hope that my friends know that I share in their joy with them. I am truly happy for each and every single one of them. I am happy for those who have also just joined with another soul in marriage, and I wish them each the best and fullest life possible...more than a full marriage--a full life, one shared with but not conquered by another.

I hope that none of my friends feel sorry for me. It has been a difficult journey...one I wish that I had not needed to take...but now that I am bursting through the dark tunnel, I know without a doubt it was necessary. I have accepted the grief that I bear, but I know that it is a far lighter burden then the one I bore while unequally yoked...

Some days it is unreal to think of how long I let myself be unequally yoked...how long I carried not just my own burdens, but those of another. It is easier to bear the load together--each holding strong, holding fast as one. You cannot bear the load together while one person refuses to be honest and true. So my advice...be true to yourself...be true to your partner. Be honest...do not be afraid. Let there be good times AND bad times...learn and grow together through all the times.

So for those of you who are celebrating the joy of a new marriage or the renewed commitment of an anniversary--I wish you all the joy your hearts can hold.

And don't worry about me--why cry for a heart and soul set free?

Today was the first day...

Day 92. Today, supposedly, was the first day of being through with the divorce. Yesterday, the judge was supposed to sign all the papers to make it official. Over.

I didn't know what sort of feelings to expect. Between my friends at work and I, we had dubbed yesterday "Freedom Day," and so they brought in popsicles and a pot of flowers. I was so touched...when i walked in they all cheered me on...they are the greatest people in the world.

Today....had such a great feeling about it. I woke up early and went to yoga...and faced my first day.

I was confident...and I felt more at ease than I have in a long time. I am happier and more fulfilled than I have been in a long time.

It took a lot to get here...and it will take a lot more to get out of here...and into the rest of my life.

Today is the first day...of the rest of my new life--the life that is finally free, finally my own.

Serenity Now

In this place that is so very new and strange,
God give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.

Good bye

I never thought that I would say good bye to you.
Deep down I hoped that I would die before you...
That if you lived to be one hundred,
Then I would live to be one hundred minus one day...
So I would never have to live a day without you.

Now we are torn apart.
Life has broken us, shredded us.
Pieces of our hearts and souls
Lay strewn along the path we walked together.

Today we said our final goodbye.
Today we gained some closure.
Today we ended what we started so long ago.

It was beautiful.
It was great...
For a moment it was all that I had hoped and dreamed for.
Then...it crumbled like a sand castle in the waves.

You will now walk your way,
And I will walk mine.
I never thought that our paths
Would ever be so far apart.
I never thought that I wouldn't be able to see your path from mine.

We don't know when we will speak again...
We don't know if we will speak again.
What a strange place to be with the one person
I used to go to sleep talking to
And waking up next to.

Fuck.
What the fuck?
We both agree on these sentiments.
And we aren't sure when these thoughts will change.

So now you know...
There will always be a part of me that loves you.
And I know there is a part of you..
That will always love me.
But here we say our goodbye...
For how long...who knows?
I wish you all the best...
Even though you don't want me to be TOO happy...

I hope that you find more happiness than you found with me.
I hope that you find more joy than you found with me.
I hope that you find more fulfillment than you found with me.
I hope that you find more....

I hope that I become a distant memory,
A pleasant--but not too pleasant memory.
And I hope that you become a memory to me.

One last word...what shall it be?
How do we sum up so much time, so much love...
So much love lost...so many memories lost...
How?

Goodbye.

Missing You Gently

My head is settled,
But my heart is weary...
Each beat reminds me
Of a missing piece.

Every beat of my heart
Reminds me that
We are apart.
But my head covers over,
Tries to temper my heart,
Makes everything much more sober.

My head reminds me to be careful,
My heart asks me to be true,
My head tells me to watch my step,
My heart pleads for me to open up.

Deep inside I miss you more than words could say,
But in my mind and in my words
I feel I must hide so much of what I feel...
My head tells me to temper my emotions,
Dull them down to protect you...
To keep them from being too much for you.

So with each word that passes my lips,
And each word that spills from my fingertips,
I am missing you oh so dearly, so completely on the inside,
But I am trying to miss you gently on the outside.