Direction...

Once again, I find myself searching for direction in my writing/blogging. This little blog started to grow out of the pain of divorce, and continued to grow throughout my search for myself--and new love.

I spent so many hours writing about pain, loneliness, emptiness, brokenness, confusion and loss...and even hope. I used to write so easily when I was hurting, even when I was growing up. When I felt alone or misunderstood, I could write all my feelings out better than I could speak them.

So now that I have a whole new life--filled with joy and love--what do I write about? I am not as poetic when it comes to love and such mushy things...although I wrote several versions of my vows to Ryan, only one I deemed "good enough" to actually read in front of everyone. I find that most often my happy-lovey-dovey feelings feel most accurately expressed in song...not ones that I write, of course. But those which I have heard so many times that every note is burned into my brain, and if I knew how to play each instrument--I could be a one-women band. The songs that play over and over in my head...where I can hear each strum of the guitar, beat of the drum and hum of each word...

I also find that Ryan and I have so many adventures together...already! Sometimes even just a trip to the store turns out to be an adventure! And sometimes, our planned-to-be-peaceful-Sunday-morning-hike turns into a somewhat life-threatening adventure too. (That story, coming soon!)

So...as I look forward to what I want to write about, I feel most inspired by music and adventure...and a touch of our past. I would love to regale you all with stories from my parents and grandparents--which I may very well do sometimes.

I feel that once again, a name change is in order for my blog. I love that I can change it up whenever I want. So far, it has only had two different names:

Who am I, Who will I be?

Of Life and Love...

And now I think it shall be called...

I Left My Heart In...

Circle of LIfe...

It's funny how one moment I was running around like crazy planning a wedding, and all of a sudden I'm running around in the "back to normal life" mode. It seems like only yesterday I was starting on my dress...

As much fun as it was, I am really glad to be back to a normal life. Not having a wedding to plan opens up so much free time! It's nice to crochet, hike, blog, cook dinner, do laundry...and even clean!!

I love being married to Ryan. I love the relationship we have...it's truly amazing! We think alike in all the right ways, and have completely different brains in all the right ways. It is amazing to wake up every day knowing that someone has my back all the way, and that someone loves life just as much as I do.

So, being married is awesome. I think Ryan likes it too. ;-)

Now, if we could just keep our non-air conditioned apartment under 80 degrees, that would be amazing.

Unexpected...

I was at work the other day, ringing up a customer's transaction when I looked up to see something that I had hoped to never see again...my ex's parents.

I couldn't believe the instantaneous reaction I felt...my throat tightened, I felt light-headed, I started to shake...it was unbelievable.

I immediately took my leave from the area, fortunate to not have been seen by the unexpected visitors. Fortunately my manager allowed me to retreat to the break room for a bit...which was definitely needed since I didn't stop shaking for a good 20 minutes.

I had not seen them at all since the divorce. It was such a shock to see them at all let alone in my own little world of TCS...

The more I think about it, the more I wish that I would not have reacted that way...I mean, the shaking couldn't be helped--it's just what my body was going to do. But I can't run from them forever...and I won't. Next time, I will be more prepared, and more ready to do what needs to be done. I may not walk over to help them find what they are looking for, but I will not run. It's my turf and it's filled with my peeps. If anything were to go wrong, I would be surrounded by friends to back me up.

So, life goes on. It always will. And somewhere, they will be there...because life goes on for them too.

Life's Stories...

It's amazing to me how fast everything changes...how much our lives change in moments...

I can't believe that it's already July...almost halfway through July in fact!! I have registered for classes already, and I can't believe that in just over a month it will be back to school time...

So much has changed, yet so little. Married life is wonderful--on so many levels. It is great to introduce Ryan as my husband, it is wonderful to know that we share an unbreakable bond and commitment...but most of all--it is refreshing to have lots more free time since we are no longer planning a wedding!!

Our wedding was wonderful...everything was beautiful and thoughtful...it was the best day so far!

Now, don't take that to mean that everything went perfectly as planned...I did get my veil stuck in a tree just as my Dad and I started walking down the aisle...and of course we had other goof-ups--and by "we," I mean me of course.

But it was meaningful and joyful--full of our families and friends (and joy felt from afar for those who could not join us).

It was full of personal touches...littles things that made us smile. It was a beautiful piece to our story. But not the best day of ours lives ever--that I am sure is yet to come!!

It was a day we will never forget!! And I wouldn't change one moment of it.

You can view all our wedding photos on Austyn's Website (she is the amazing photographer we can thank for all our photos!!)

So, on June 28th, 2011--Ryan and I started a new chapter in our lives' stories. And now our stories become one--a story with many facets and points of view, but one shared between two people who love each other more than anything in the world.

We're Married!!

Yay!!! It's true!! We are finally married. :-) And very happy indeed.

So, I apologize for the very large gap of time where I did not blog...but now I have no wedding planning to do, so I am hoping that I can back into a blogging rhythm.

I will tell all when I don't have to go to sleep...but it was wonderful and perfect. :-)

Happy Wednesday!!

Utah...New Mexico...Roswell...

Well, we were supposed to go to Utah for our vacation...but due to rain and chance of flash floods we ended up in New Mexico!

I will share more of our adventure soon I hope!!

I Don't Have a Future Figured Out Yet...

Taking Chances
by Celine Dion

Don't know much about your life,
Don't know much about your world, but
Don't want to be alone tonight,
On this planet they call earth.

You don't know about my past, and
I don't have a future figured out.
And maybe this is going too fast,
And maybe it's not meant to last.

But what do you say to takin' chances,
What do you say to jumpin' off the edge?
Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or a hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say,
What do you say?

I just want to start again,
And maybe you could show me how to try,
And maybe you could take me in,
Somewhere underneath your skin?

But what do you say to takin' chances,
What do you say to jumpin' off the edge?
Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or a hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say,
What do you say?

And I had my heart beaten down,
But I always come back for more, yeah.
There's nothing like love to pull you up,
When you're lying on the floor there.
So talk to me, talk to me,
Like lovers do.
Yeah walk with me, walk with me,
Like lovers do.
Like lovers do.

But what do you say to takin' chances,
What do you say to jumpin' off the edge?
Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or a hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say,
What do you say?

Don't know much about your life,
And I don't know much about your world.

__________________________________________

One year ago, I posted this same song. I had just gone on a lovely date with a charming fellow, and was completely surprised with how well it all had gone. Except for the moment when I pushed open a door too hard only to find it was locked closed, thereby injuring my wrist. (Remember, that's one of the awkward reasons I gave up dating...)

But he was pure gentleman. He was sweet and caring, strong and defiant...and wouldn't just let me win every game of air hockey. I don't know exactly how he felt when he went home, but he had definitely burned himself into my brain. I spent the night with the song above running through my head...wanting desperately to be able to jump off the edge, but still wishing I could be wearing a parachute....

I can't describe to you all the ways that this charming fellow blew me away. I think that the best example lies in the fact that when we started dating, I told him I could not be in a single committed relationship at the time. I told him I would break his heart (yes, I literally told him I would break his heart...and he laughed!), and that I was dating someone else at the same time.

A reasonable man would have gone running, right? Well, I am glad he has not a single reasonable bone in his body. ;-)

Instead he decided to prove that he was the one for me, despite the fact that I had already made plans to move halfway across the country to be with someone else that I had been dating. But when that someone else moved before me and seemingly forgot me, my charming fellow stepped it up.

He asked if he could come visit me once I moved. He spent every waking moment reminding me that he was around, and that he was ready to do whatever it took to increase my happiness. Day after day, he would spend his time with me. When I had to work every Saturday over the summer, he would come meet me for lunch, and tolerate me as I tried to shove grass clippings down his shirt and/or pants.

We would spend hours talking about our past--what we shared and what we had missed out on each other's lives. We would drive, hike, climb...dream and adventure, all to our own tune. Finally, I realized that I couldn't move to be with someone else...because I had fallen in love with the charming fellow in front of me.

And although he may have fallen asleep the first time I tried to tell him that I loved him, he still stole my heart. It didn't take long before I realized that my life would not be complete without spending every day with this man...that my life would be boring without him...that my heart would never have more love in it than when I was with him.

So, what do I say to taking chances? I say, hell yes. Hearts break, and hearts mend. Higher risk means higher return (I learned that in accounting).

I felt like I was taking a big chance going out on a date with this charming fellow...because I didn't feel like I was ready. But I followed my heart, because for months it had been screaming "GO OUT WITH HIM!!!" (True story.)

So, one year after our first date, and 44 days to our wedding day...I am so happy to spend each and every moment with my wonderful Ryan.

If I ever wonder about the miracle of life, or how much God loves me...all I have to do is wrap my arms around my Ryan and realize that if God made Ryan, then I know He loves me.

Excitement...

I like excitement. I am even a pretty excitable person...I like feeling and sharing it with others. I even got the "Air of Excitement" award at TCS...

So why do I so often get so surrounded by lack of excitement?

This stems from my family's complete and utter lack of excitement about anything concerning the wedding/marriage. The only exception to this rule (at this point in time) are my oldest brother and his wife. Thank God for them.

For a while, my Grandmother seemed excited. When I visited her, we talked and shopped, watched "Up" while I told her how Ryan proposed...and we even talked a little more about the wedding since I came back. I thought she was really excited...until we talked a couple nights ago.

She hasn't bought a plane ticket. I have reminded her several times to do it before the prices go up, but she still hasn't done so.

She told me that she "heard" that the wedding was being postponed a year...so I asked her where she heard that. Then she just said that she was just hoping that I would "come to my senses" and wait another year so I could be "done with school," etc. She was not all that happy when I told her that the wedding was still on for this summer, and she should get her ticket.

If we time travel back to 5 years ago when I was planning my first wedding, her attitude was much the same. When she was helping me shop for a dress for the rehearsal dinner, she told me, "Once you wear white, it's all downhill."

Yup. My Grandmother said that to me, about a month before my first wedding. While she never seemed excited about the first one, she talks about it like others talk about the recent royal wedding--she says it was such a beautiful wedding. Every time she goes to a wedding, she tells me how mine was more lovely.

My brothers--hell, they're guys. I honestly don't expect for them to care much about the wedding--except for where the booze is. And that is fine...I know they care, they're just guys. All of them do actually ask me how planning is going from time to time...much more often than my parents do.

When my older brother's wedding was approaching, there was much "to do" from my parents. They were seemingly constantly chatting with my brother and his (now) wife, they were discussing travel plans, wedding vows...there was much excitement surrounding it all.

In 52 days, Ryan and I will get married.

I have not had my parents ask about the wedding in at least the last month.

It saddens me so that my family seems so disinterested in the wedding. At least once a day I consider the possibility of eloping...but I know I want to share that day with my friends...and my family (whether they want to or not).

My parents and Grandmother got really excited when I decided to go into Accounting. I don't think they have ever expressed such excitement--except for maybe when I told them that Ted wanted to make my job permanent at CU. Maybe. But they have never expressed such excitement for something that was so personal to me...a relationship, an adventure, an idea...

I am starting to feel like my family does not even know me. Or that maybe they just don't care that much about my personal happiness. It is exciting to them when the possibility of me having a great career comes forward, but when a man steps up and loves me more than I ever could have imagined...meh. The History Channel at 2:34AM has more excitement.

So, I am trying to overcome this lack of excitement by trying to create even more of my own, which is difficult. I am so tired of trying to manufacture for them what is not...and may never be there.

Life is great. The trees are turning green, it's warm outside...the sky is bright blue with white puffy clouds, and there is a whole world to explore. I find it hard to contain my excitement about life when I think about all that there is to do in the world--all that already exists! Bugs, birds, prairie dogs, cows, asphalt, combustion engines, drainage ditches, lakes, hay, sunshine...it is all so magical--I don't know how everyone can't be bursting with excitement all the time!

And I will marry the man I love in this gorgeous world. We will live our wonderful little life together in the miracle of what is. We will cultivate a most amazing love...one that will bring tears to people's eyes once we both have died.

And I am excited for that day. I go forth in complete love and trust, knowing that we are supposed to be together forever. Whether anyone else is excited about it or not...whether my family gives two twigs about it...I just want to take my chance to live through a miracle--and that miracle will be the love that Ryan and I share.

The birds will sing to us, the bugs will hum for us, frogs will provide some bass, and the earth will provide a beautiful backdrop. The sky will open wide for us, reminding us we have the whole world, and our whole lives, ahead of us.

Even if no one else shows up, Ryan and I will have the best wedding ever.

500...

This is my 500th post on my blog! Wow...seems like only yesterday I started it...

A lot has happened in 500 posts...and I am sure a lot more will happen in the next 500.

So, thank you all for reading!! I hope you keep coming back for more!

Happy Monday!

Another Day in History...

Years from now, young ones (not mine, someone elses') will ask me where I was when I heard the news that Osama was dead.

I was lounging on the couch with my fiance writing a final paper for school. And by "writing a paper," I mean procrastinating on facebook. Someone's status update alerts me to the news, so I tune in to hear what was going on.

Just before 10PM, President Obama went live.

Ryan and I lounged together and listened, holding hands as we witnessed history.

Neither of us can believe it has been 10 years.

It seems crazy, all that has happened in the last 10 years...

We both recalled where we were on September 11, 2001.

And how erie it was when there were no planes in the skies for days...

Perhaps, this is the start of a whole new era. I told Ryan it all depends on if they cut off the head of the snake, or a head of the hydra.

Time will tell.

For today, good night and God bless.

We are one nation, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all. Let us stay that way.