So why do I so often get so surrounded by lack of excitement?
This stems from my family's complete and utter lack of excitement about anything concerning the wedding/marriage. The only exception to this rule (at this point in time) are my oldest brother and his wife. Thank God for them.
For a while, my Grandmother seemed excited. When I visited her, we talked and shopped, watched "Up" while I told her how Ryan proposed...and we even talked a little more about the wedding since I came back. I thought she was really excited...until we talked a couple nights ago.
She hasn't bought a plane ticket. I have reminded her several times to do it before the prices go up, but she still hasn't done so.
She told me that she "heard" that the wedding was being postponed a year...so I asked her where she heard that. Then she just said that she was just hoping that I would "come to my senses" and wait another year so I could be "done with school," etc. She was not all that happy when I told her that the wedding was still on for this summer, and she should get her ticket.
If we time travel back to 5 years ago when I was planning my first wedding, her attitude was much the same. When she was helping me shop for a dress for the rehearsal dinner, she told me, "Once you wear white, it's all downhill."
Yup. My Grandmother said that to me, about a month before my first wedding. While she never seemed excited about the first one, she talks about it like others talk about the recent royal wedding--she says it was such a beautiful wedding. Every time she goes to a wedding, she tells me how mine was more lovely.
My brothers--hell, they're guys. I honestly don't expect for them to care much about the wedding--except for where the booze is. And that is fine...I know they care, they're just guys. All of them do actually ask me how planning is going from time to time...much more often than my parents do.
When my older brother's wedding was approaching, there was much "to do" from my parents. They were seemingly constantly chatting with my brother and his (now) wife, they were discussing travel plans, wedding vows...there was much excitement surrounding it all.
In 52 days, Ryan and I will get married.
I have not had my parents ask about the wedding in at least the last month.
It saddens me so that my family seems so disinterested in the wedding. At least once a day I consider the possibility of eloping...but I know I want to share that day with my friends...and my family (whether they want to or not).
My parents and Grandmother got really excited when I decided to go into Accounting. I don't think they have ever expressed such excitement--except for maybe when I told them that Ted wanted to make my job permanent at CU. Maybe. But they have never expressed such excitement for something that was so personal to me...a relationship, an adventure, an idea...
I am starting to feel like my family does not even know me. Or that maybe they just don't care that much about my personal happiness. It is exciting to them when the possibility of me having a great career comes forward, but when a man steps up and loves me more than I ever could have imagined...meh. The History Channel at 2:34AM has more excitement.
So, I am trying to overcome this lack of excitement by trying to create even more of my own, which is difficult. I am so tired of trying to manufacture for them what is not...and may never be there.
Life is great. The trees are turning green, it's warm outside...the sky is bright blue with white puffy clouds, and there is a whole world to explore. I find it hard to contain my excitement about life when I think about all that there is to do in the world--all that already exists! Bugs, birds, prairie dogs, cows, asphalt, combustion engines, drainage ditches, lakes, hay, sunshine...it is all so magical--I don't know how everyone can't be bursting with excitement all the time!
And I will marry the man I love in this gorgeous world. We will live our wonderful little life together in the miracle of what is. We will cultivate a most amazing love...one that will bring tears to people's eyes once we both have died.
And I am excited for that day. I go forth in complete love and trust, knowing that we are supposed to be together forever. Whether anyone else is excited about it or not...whether my family gives two twigs about it...I just want to take my chance to live through a miracle--and that miracle will be the love that Ryan and I share.
The birds will sing to us, the bugs will hum for us, frogs will provide some bass, and the earth will provide a beautiful backdrop. The sky will open wide for us, reminding us we have the whole world, and our whole lives, ahead of us.
Even if no one else shows up, Ryan and I will have the best wedding ever.
1 comment:
I like it. I had a big long cry fest last about things similar to this. My whole like I thought I wanted to be a lawyer. Now I just wish I hadn't focused so much on trying to be what my family wanted me to be and hadn't let them talk me out of being a simpler person.
Post a Comment