The Tele...

I don't watch television, well not really anyway. If I am spending time with someone and they happen to have it on, of course I will watch a bit. And I do watch Netflix--I happen to love it. But I am not one to sit down in front of the tv and watch a show commercials and all.

I gave up tv right after the divorce. When I moved into my own apartment, I did not order cable. (Eventually I did order cable because it made internet cheaper, which made my bill cheaper overall--funny, right? But the only time the cable actually plugged into the tv was when my brother would stay with my kids when I was out of town. Done with tangent.)

I really enjoy the time that not having tv has given me. I don't spend hours in front of the tv doing nothing, I no longer go brain dead from hours of mindless programming...not that there is anything wrong with tv...

Towards the end of my marriage, I battled with depression. It was difficult to be motivated to do anything...so I would come home, throw on comfy clothes (which happened to be polar fleece pants and my favorite Belikin beer shirt), plop on the couch and turn on the tv. I would watch until I went to bed each night.

It was very lonely...very distant. My ex and I would not be near each other--mostly because I did not want to be close to him. We couldn't touch if we were both on the couch...him being close to me would start to throw me into an anxiety attack.

It was this way for several months. TV ruled the roost, so to speak. When we finally went into therapy, our therapist told us we should start by turning off the tv during dinner, to give us time to talk to one another. For some reason--we never did. I remember once I said we should leave it on, because I was too stressed to carry on conversation, but I also don't remember us ever actually turning it off for dinner...

For two people--well, 3 when my brother lived with us--we had 4 tv's. My brother had his own in his room, there was one in the dining room which could be seen from the kitchen, one in the living room, and the computer in the basement was hooked up to cable. One bedroom or the bathrooms were the only places you could go to be free from tv. It was always on...except first thing in the morning when I was the only one awake--I could, on most days, make it out the door without hearing any tv.

The sound of it seemed deafening. I remember it as a constant soundtrack...laugh track...suspense...it all came from the little boxes all over the house. I couldn't stand it. Where was my life? Why could I not peel the person who said they loved me the most away from the tele long enough to enjoy the sunshine with me? Why was it so much more important than living in the moment?

The first time I saw my house after the divorce, I was picking up something from my ex. He pointed out his new purchase...a very large flat screen tv. I couldn't have missed it.

There are some shows I love to watch...House...Robot Chicken...Shin Chan...and more that I think I would love to watch. But I am afraid of becoming a slave to it...I can't stand the though of it once again becoming the soundtrack to my life. I can't stand the thought of being tied to it again...

In my apartment, it was so quiet and peaceful. It would scare the crap out of the cats and I when the buzzer for the dryer went off it was so quiet. But I could hear Kairi purring in the other room. I could hear the wind blow outside my window. I could hear the pitter patter of little kitten paws on the carpet...as well as the hissing when the two would battle, as brothers and sisters do.

I could hear myself. I could hear my thoughts...

I had time...all the time in the world...to do whatever I wanted. I accomplished a lot in that apartment.

So, if you talk to me about a tv show, I might know what you're talking about. If it's a commercial that's aired in the last 2 years...forget it, I'll have no clue.

And I don't mind.

I like my new soundtrack. I like my free time.

I am happy to have commercial free Netflix view-a-thons anytime. ;-) Robot Chicken anyone?