This is Halloween...

I really enjoyed this Halloween. :-)

In the past, Halloween has been all about the costumes...of course. But honestly, I never really felt that into it until last year. And my costume last year was awesome...at least I think it was!

This year, I got to celebrate "Junk Food Appreciation Night" with Ryan and his family. It was great fun--lots of terrific junk food (everything from Whoppers to macaroni and cheese pizza to mozzarella sticks), good movies (Muppet themed) and wonderful company.

Ryan and I did dress up, kind of. We decided to wear all of our matching clothing items--so our matching Teefury shirts, our almost matching Moosejaw sweatshirts (in blue), and the almost matching hats I crocheted for us. It was fun, and we were adorable, if I do say so myself.

Earlier in the day we got to hang out with my wonderful friend Laura and her adorable daughter. It was so wonderful to get to catch up with them, especially since they will be moving away from Colorado this next week. Much sadness, all of them will be mucho missed.

All in all, it was a wonderful day. A perfect way to spend a Sunday.

Now, I just have to run a marathon a day for a month to work it all off. ;-)

Free moments...

I have much more free time in my life now...but I still hold onto each one like the next moment will be weeks away...

Most of you are probably confused by my obsession with free time...but after spending 8 years of overloading myself and working more hours in a day then I would sleep in a week...it is still quite phenomenal to me that I have free time.

So, even though I have to work tonight, I am enjoying my morning and afternoon off...doing a whole lot of nothing, and loving every moment of it.

Holidays...

And it's that time of year again...the holidays are fast-approaching, and before I know it, 2011 will be here.

I LOVE the holidays, don't get me wrong. Christmas is my favorite time of year, followed by Thanksgiving and Halloween. So October, November and December are all just a build up of holiday wonderfulness in my mind.

But I do still remember how difficult last Christmas was. I felt cold, alone and empty...separated from everyone and everything. I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous that this year would bring some of the same feelings up, but I am confident that this year will be very different from last year.

So...hooray for another holiday season!!

Happy Halloween!!

Cold Nights...

There are moments that are so cold,
There are nights that are so dark,
That I remember
How cold and long and dark
All those nights alone were.
How helpless I felt...
How distant I felt...
How empty I felt...
How alone I felt...

But...
I may be cold,
I may be shivering,
I might be out in the darkest of night,
But I am not alone.
I am no longer empty,
I live in the present,
And I am stronger than I ever was.

Each sunset
And dark of night
Brings a new sunrise,
And a new day.

I walk now in the brightness of day,
The sun shining on my face
As I turn my freckled nose high
And smell the sweetness of sunshine,
And feel the warmth of being renewed.

It's a new day.

Jobs...

I have a few jobs. It has been years since I have had just one job at a time. I will be the first to admit that I have spent the last several years as a workaholic, but now that I have seen what life is like without endless hours of work, I am more than happy just to work to live, not live to work.

I have one job that is driving me crazy though...the others all have their moments, but I still enjoy them. But this one job, the bad stuff keeps far outweighing the good. There is very little communication, and as someone who is only in once a week, I feel very unprepared for what I will have to face each time I go in.

The rules change from week to week, but no one bothers to tell me. I do my best to read all the memos and keep myself up to date, but when there are no communications...it doesn't matter.

I am starting to reach the end of my rope on this one...we'll see just how much longer I can go.

Comments...

Funny story...

So not very many people leave comments here (which, by the way, you should do sometimes!!). So when I saw that I a comment on Broken Like a Vase... and Fall... I was quite surprised!!

Well, turns out it was spam, from "Billy." He left a comment saying how he got his ex back using some website and he is *SO* happy.

Wow, ya timed that one wrong Billy. There is no way I want my ex back, and it shows that you really read my post...right?

Anyhow, "Billy," if that is even your real name--don't leave spam comments. Especially such insensitive, ignorant ones.

But everyone else, feel free to tell me what's on your mind. I love getting feedback.

Goodbye Billy. Have fun with your ex.

Broken Like A Vase...

There are times I really hate facebook. Only because I am an expert facebook stalker...I enjoy finding out who is up to what, what's going on...etc, etc.

Today I stumbled upon a post from a friend referring to something my ex had said. He said something to the effect of "trust is like a vase, once it's broken you can glue it back together, but it will never be the same again."

If he only knew how true his words are...if only he knew how true his words are for me.

I wonder if he thinks about how he broke his trust to me. I wonder if he even considers that side of the coin, or if he is still so narcissistic that he can't fathom the hurt he has caused me.

It's probably all my fault in his head.

Sometimes, I imagine what he thinks. How he feels. I imagine that he thinks that I should have stayed...that he thinks that what he did to me was "fine" and "socially acceptable." I imagine that he cannot comprehend why I left...I imagine that he is eyeball deep in denial. It's hard to see anything clearly from that point of view.

I imagine he feels betrayed...alone. Like he can never trust anyone again. I imagine he feels broken and lost...like he is putting the pieces of his life back together.

And then...I start to get angry. Because I imagine that he has no idea how he broke me.

If we want to use his analogy, he took the precious vase I had stored up in my heart, and pitched it as hard as he could off of a 4 story parking garage onto the street below. Just so cars could continue to run over it...insult to injury.

It is difficult, learning to trust again. And what gets even more frustrating is that there are feelings in the present that have nothing to do with the present...they are are residue from the past. What's the point in trying to create a beautiful vase when the last one you so carefully crafted was so viciously destroyed?

I have been dealing with trust issues lately. It came up in therapy, and so I am trying to tackle them before they get any worse. Fortunately, I have someone who is very supportive and understanding.

But right now, I still wish I could tell my ex exactly what is on my mind. I wish I could scream, and he would finally hear me, finally get his head out of wherever it is and face the truth.

For now, I will end with this:

Abuse is not ok...not in any measure. No abuse is "fine" or "socially acceptable." No woman, or man, should be stuck in a relationship where the abuse continues or escalates. If you or someone you know may be in an abusive relationship, get help.

Today.

Tomorrow may be too late.

It's easier to put together the broken pieces before you yourself are broken.

Snow...

There's already snow up in the mountains...already.

They say it won't be down here soon, but I am sure it will be here all too soon...

This weekend I was obsessed with the changing leaves. It seems like they just started changing--only last week we had trees plump with lush green leaves. The bright fall leaves have only been around for a few days, and they are already falling...some trees are already bare...stick thin and looking dead.

The wind is already gusting...whipping through the dead trees, stirring up the remains of their summer coats and carrying them across streets and yards. The beautiful blue sky is hidden by layers and layers of storm clouds...threatening more foul weather....

The snow will be here all too soon. And it will feel like an eternity of cold damnation.

I will have to wait...I will have to remember that the sun will come out again. I will wait...patiently, for the spring...when the air warms again, when life blossoms anew, when the grass and leaves are green again, and when the blue sky grows from horizon to horizon...

I will wait...maybe hibernate.

Big breakfasts and short hikes...

I love Sunday mornings. At least the Sunday mornings of late.

Ryan and I have gotten into a habit...or maybe tradition--every Sunday morning/noon we make a large breakfast. French toast or pancakes, eggs, hashbrowns, veggie sausage, orange juice and chocolate almond milk. It is wonderful!!

I am in love. In case you didn't already notice. ;-)

I have finally found someone who makes me feel like I am the only person on the planet...and even if I am not, I feel like I am the coolest and most important person on the planet. It is amazing to feel like someone would swim across the ocean, climb mountains, conquer space and slay zombies just to kill time with me.

So spending Sunday mornings curled up on the couch, watching "Sunday morning cartoons" and chowing down on seriously delicious food--AND getting to spend all the time with someone super amazing...makes for a great day.

And in the afternoon, we went for a short hike/climb...in the cold and wind...but surrounded by the beauty of fall.

I love Sundays...

Fall...

I love the fall colors of Colorado. It is hard to imagine anything more beautiful than the brightness of the changing leaves juxtaposed against a dark and cloudy sky.

Fall really is in full swing. Yesterday I wore a fall outfit for the first time this year.

Already?

I know that all too soon winter will be here. Even though fall has just begun, the feelings of winter will be right on its heels.

Every time I walk outside and the weather is like this...I just wish that this was as cold as it ever got here. I wish the changing leaves would stay for a month, instead of just a week. I wish the ice would never form on the roads, and that the snow would only fall in the mountains (except for on Christmas Eve and Christmas, which are the two days a year I LOVE snow...) I wish the wind were kinder, the day still longer, and the cold not so biting.

I look at the trees...how is it they are almost bare already? It seems not so long ago they were just blossoming for the spring.

Oh winter...I know you're coming. But can you wait just a while? I am not yet done with Fall...