Broken Like A Vase...

There are times I really hate facebook. Only because I am an expert facebook stalker...I enjoy finding out who is up to what, what's going on...etc, etc.

Today I stumbled upon a post from a friend referring to something my ex had said. He said something to the effect of "trust is like a vase, once it's broken you can glue it back together, but it will never be the same again."

If he only knew how true his words are...if only he knew how true his words are for me.

I wonder if he thinks about how he broke his trust to me. I wonder if he even considers that side of the coin, or if he is still so narcissistic that he can't fathom the hurt he has caused me.

It's probably all my fault in his head.

Sometimes, I imagine what he thinks. How he feels. I imagine that he thinks that I should have stayed...that he thinks that what he did to me was "fine" and "socially acceptable." I imagine that he cannot comprehend why I left...I imagine that he is eyeball deep in denial. It's hard to see anything clearly from that point of view.

I imagine he feels betrayed...alone. Like he can never trust anyone again. I imagine he feels broken and lost...like he is putting the pieces of his life back together.

And then...I start to get angry. Because I imagine that he has no idea how he broke me.

If we want to use his analogy, he took the precious vase I had stored up in my heart, and pitched it as hard as he could off of a 4 story parking garage onto the street below. Just so cars could continue to run over it...insult to injury.

It is difficult, learning to trust again. And what gets even more frustrating is that there are feelings in the present that have nothing to do with the present...they are are residue from the past. What's the point in trying to create a beautiful vase when the last one you so carefully crafted was so viciously destroyed?

I have been dealing with trust issues lately. It came up in therapy, and so I am trying to tackle them before they get any worse. Fortunately, I have someone who is very supportive and understanding.

But right now, I still wish I could tell my ex exactly what is on my mind. I wish I could scream, and he would finally hear me, finally get his head out of wherever it is and face the truth.

For now, I will end with this:

Abuse is not ok...not in any measure. No abuse is "fine" or "socially acceptable." No woman, or man, should be stuck in a relationship where the abuse continues or escalates. If you or someone you know may be in an abusive relationship, get help.

Today.

Tomorrow may be too late.

It's easier to put together the broken pieces before you yourself are broken.