I Don't Know How To Do This...

I seem to be able to get only so far, and then I hit a wall...a big one I can't climb over.

I am very independent. Very. People who know me well won't find that surprising whatsoever. I am used to taking care of myself...I am used to doing everything on my own. While I think that it is not necessarily always a bad thing, it does bring forth some problems...

I am used to being the only person that I can completely trust. I am used to never asking for help--if there is something that has to be done, I will find a way to make it happen on my own. I don't want to "owe" anyone anything, I don't want to have to rely on other people just to be let down...but...

I have someone I have realized won't let me go it all alone. I push them away in my dark hours, in my lonely moments...and they bust in with a flashlight and a blanket. I push them away with my unintentional silence and sadness, and they burst into song and dance to make me laugh...

And when I am at my lowest, when I can't see the sunshine...he holds me close and tells me he loves me, and the sun will be high in the sky before I know it.

I don't know how to do this.
I don't know how to truly, fully rely on another person.
I don't know how to trust someone more than I trust myself--it leaves me feeling vulnerable...scared.
I don't know how to squash the fear that boils up and out of my heart.
I don't know how to kill the uneasiness and anxiety that envelops my guts.
I don't know how to let myself leap and fall, knowing I won't be able to catch myself.
I don't know how it could be possible to find someone who loves me as much as Ryan does...
I don't know how I could not give my all to try my best to do this.

I saw a saying once...and I love it.

"Love is foolish...but I still might try it sometime."

Fidelity

by Regina Spektor

(Shake it up)

I never loved nobody fully,
Always one foot on the ground.
And by protecting my heart truly,
I got lost in the sounds.
I hear in my mind,
All these voices.
I hear in my mind,
All these words.
I hear in my mind,
All this music,
And it breaks my heart.
And it breaks my heart.
And it breaks my heart.
It breaks my heart.

And suppose I never ever met you.
Suppose we never fell in love.
Suppose I never ever let you,
Kiss me so sweet, and so soft.
Suppose I never ever saw you.
Suppose we never ever called.
Suppose I kept on singing love songs,
Just to break my own fall.
Just to break my fall.
Just to break my fall.
Break my fall.
Break my fall.

All my friends say that of course
It's gonna get better,
Gonna get better,
Better, better, better, better,
Better, better, better.

I never loved nobody fully,
Always one foot on the ground.
And by protecting my heart truly,
I got lost in the sounds.
I hear in my mind,
All these voices.
I hear in my mind,
All these words.
I hear in my mind,
All this music,
And it breaks my heart,
It breaks my heart.

I hear in my mind,
All of these voices.
I heart in my mind,
All of these words.
I hear in my mind,
All of this music.

And it breaks my heart.
Breaks my
Heart.
Breaks my heart.

(Don't forget to follow the link to watch the video...it's super fun and cute.)