Bad Night...

I am fighting...working on that whole forgiveness thing...it is not coming very easily....

I was just reminded of things that were stolen from me...

...a niece's laughter.

...fun with cousins.

...family.

...friends.

...there are so many people that used to be a part of my life that I miss so dearly, and I know I will never see them again...it's quite heartbreaking.

It is hard to forgive because he stole all of this from me.

I finally went through the other day and deleted a bunch of "friends" off of my facebook. There were so many "mutual friends" that I haven't heard from since the divorce...I finally realized that I just needed to let go, I needed a clean slate. There is no reason for those people to be able to sneak peak into my life whenever they want to, and there is no reason why I need to peak into their lives.

But somehow, there's always something to remind me...something more to bring the broken heart to the forefront...to remind me what all the heartbreak felt like.

There are moments it feels just as raw as it did almost 2 years ago...there are moments I can't believe it has been almost 2 years...and other moments it feels like it has been so much longer. I hate feeling that way again...like the pulses in my heart are misfiring, like each heartbeat squeezes an already raw heart...like my chest will explode from all the pain, leaving nothing but a stain on the wall...

I have to get it into my head that he will never care what he did to me. It makes no difference to him...he has no reason to care. He will never admit to his part in what went wrong...he will continue to lie and live a lie until the day he dies.

I have to get it into my head that he will never again admit to being abusive. He admitted it to me once, but I know he will never address the issue again. He will forever say that it was my fault we got divorced...

I have to get it into my head that he will always lie...that he was not the man I thought he was, that he lived a lie the whole time we were together. I was wrong about him...very very wrong...

I have to move on. I have to walk a bigger circle...I can no longer continue in this rut. I have to let go of the past to grab onto my present and future. I have to leave all of him, all of us behind.

I have to be stronger than I think I can be.

Which is why I am finally writing this post.

I have eased my way into this moment, only because I have had such a hard time processing it all myself. It has been more than 2 years since some of these things happened, but it is still hard for me to think about sometimes.

I will just put in this little disclaimer--I am writing as honestly and as truthfully as I can. I will not embellish, fantasize, blow out of proportion or lie. But I am sure that my ex would refute some things I will say--even though everything I will mention he has admitted to met. So there, there's that little tidbit, just in case. Now moving on...

I have been in therapy since I got divorced. It wasn't necessarily just because of the divorce--there was much more going on.

It has taken me this long to be able to fully realize why I had to leave my husband. For a long time I didn't know what to say when people asked why, but now I know exactly what to say. The easy, short answer is: I left him because he became abusive.

It's like that whole thing about putting a frog into a pot of boiling water (I do not support actually doing this, of course...). But if you put a frog into a pot of near-boiling water, he leaps right out because naturally--it's freakin' hot. But if you put a frog in a pot of cool water and slowly heat it--he will stay in the pot until he boils to death because he doesn't realize he's getting into hot water.

I can't even say when it started, or how. The first event I can definitively call abuse was when he spiked my drink at dinner with alcohol, and then lied about it. He lied about it three times before I finally got him to admit to it.

There were lies and deceit...before and after that. But I kept hoping it would get better. I kept hoping that he would change...that we would change together...but it would not be the case.

The next definitive abuse incident wouldn't come for months...but it was enough to break me.

There are moments when you can't believe that you are living through them...that you hope and you pray that it is just a movie reel...or that you will wake up and see it was all just a bad dream...

This was one of those moments for me.

It was the day of my birthday party...and since we had been having problems for months, we set some ground rules. He said to me, "No means no, even when you're drunk." Since he was driving and it was my party, there was an understanding that I would be fairly intoxicated when we came home. I told him something to the effect of, "That's good to hear...because it will probably still be no."

So we went out, had a great time partying and celebrating with friends. I had one friend who was actually staying at our house that night since it was a joint birthday party for us...so we got her set up on the couch to sleep, then went upstairs to change.

I was in the bathroom, and I can't remember what we were talking about. I remember all the lights were on...and something was said about sex, and I said no. I said no when he picked me up in the bathroom...I said no all the way as he carried me to the bed...and I continued to say no until I realized I couldn't stop him.

I remember wishing I were dead...and feeling dead. I remember walking downstairs and sharing the couch with my friend. I remember being so mad and hurt that he broke his own promise...that no did not in fact mean no.

The next night we had a talk...I can't remember why we decided to talk...but we sat in the basement and talked about the night before. I recounted the events to him, and he said to me:

"I raped you."

And I agreed with him...and I realized that his abuse was only going to get worse...and I couldn't imagine what he would do next.

I left the next day. I knew I could never let him touch me again...not in any way.

In the months to come, he would ask why I didn't fight him more...why I didn't hit him or try to hurt him in order to stop him. My only answer was...why should I have had to?

I have been dealing with these demons ever since then. It has torn me apart time and time again. I am still brokenhearted over the fact that someone who was supposed to love me so much could do such a thing...no wonder I have trust issues, right?

That all makes it sound like I left him because I am a lesbian, right?

Sorry, I am still bitter about that....

I continue to choose to live in the truth...the truth shall set me free. And if he decides to continue to live in lies, then he is building his own prison--but he can't build his prison around me too.

I am free...I am free because as awful as the truth can be, I choose to accept it, learn from it, grow into more truth, and be stronger because of it.

Lies will only corrupt you, from the inside out. They will rot you...rob you...break you. And then you will feel even worse than I ever have.

I have to be stronger than I think I am.

I have to be stronger that I think I can be.

I have to be stronger.

I will be stronger.

Very rarely is rape actually reported to the authorities. As little as 18% of rapes are actually reported--"One factor relating to this under reporting may be the misconception that most rapes are committed by strangers." Some statistics list as little as 2-26% of rape cases involve a perpetrator who was a stranger to the victim, with 26-60% of perpetrators being a current or former intimate partner.

If you or someone you know has been a victim of rape, don't be afraid to seek help. Find a therapist, and find a support group.

You are not alone.

I am not alone.

I am stronger than I was yesterday.

And I will be stronger tomorrow...despite everything that was stolen from me, I will rise above.

The truth will set me free.