Hauntings...

I am trying to move forward.

I am trying to leave my ghosts and demons behind...

But they continue to haunt me.

Things are starting to look up--the grass is greener, I feel more free...except I feel the weight of the chains of my past already holding me back. I feel much like Jacob Marley, or much how I would anticipate he would feel. I must keep moving forward, but one step forward requires a step or three backwards to balance...and the motion leaves me feeling sick to my stomach.

I am tired of the things that seem to bring me down...I am tired of my doubts...I am tired of not knowing what to do. I want to know what to look forward to. I want to know what I should do--what is best.

I wish I had a looking glass,

That told me right from wrong.

I wish I had a looking glass,

That helped me step along.

I'd hold the glass in my hand,

With full intent carefully glare,

Ask how I could understand...

Why is this not fair?

If I had a looking glass,

I'd hold it out for you.

I'd remind you that these things pass,

And there's not much we can do.

In the reflection of my looking glass,

Though this is what it should do--

I hope that it would show my mass;

That I would see me, and not you.

I am tired of the ghosts...the demons...the doubts. And I am tired of feeling like I am holding myself back with these things. I want to no longer be weighed down by them...I want to cut the strings like a kite string...and watch them all scatter away in the wind--flying higher and higher, until they are so small, they disappear into the deep blue of the summer sky.

One step forward...I know there will be more. But I also know they will require some steps backward...which is what I fear.