Fear...

Fear is the path to the dark side.
Fear leads to anger.
Anger leads to hate.
Hate leads to suffering.

Yoda, Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace

This is one of my favorite Star Wars quotes. I have to admit, I had to stop for a moment (and by that...I mean a day and a half) and regroup after I realized that it was in Episode 1. I am not a fan of that film...and I think that this is the most redeeming moment (and quite possibly the only moment worth watching) in the entirety of the film. But enough there--time to get back on track.

I have loved this quote from the moment I heard it. I love quotes, music lyrics, one liners--that mean something. Recently I read an entire book because of one line. It was worth it.

I find myself surprised by the fear I feel sometimes...

Recently, I felt myself cowering after a small incident. It was really nothing--I had no need to feel this way, but I felt very clearly like I had been transported to another time...another incident in which I did cower--and I needed to. It was what I imagine a beaten dog who has found a new home feels like...the new guardian may raise his hand to gesture, but the dog has been trained that a raised hand means a beating, so she tucks her tail between her legs and begins to prepare for the contact.

I was surprised to feel this...I had no idea that this was lurking deep down. I had no idea that I could feel this so clearly...

And so, I fear. And then I fear that it will lead to anger. And that my anger will lead to hatred...and then to suffering...

I feel that I know this as well as the 5 stages of Grief. I honestly feel as though I saw this in the failure of my marriage...

He was filled with fear...that I didn't know was there. He was afraid of taking chances, afraid of life, afraid of failure, afraid of how my mind worked, afraid of how many questions I asked, afraid of my dreams....afraid I would leave him.

So he became filled with anger. He became angry that I pushed him out of his comfort zone, angry that I continued to dream, angry that I never stopped asking questions, angry that he didn't understand how I worked, angry that I had fun with people besides him.

Eventually his anger turned to hate. He hated how much I dreamed, he hated my constant desire for adventure, he hated how I never stood still, he hated how I laughed with other people, he hated how he couldn't control me...

We suffered. He chose to do things he knew would hurt me. I lashed out and pushed myself away, which hurt him. We grew apart, but became more rooted in the suffering we were enduring.

Until it all broke.

So, I sit and wonder...how do I get rid of fear?

In high school, I was not taught that the opposite of love is hate. I was taught that the opposite of love is fear...that there can be no fear in love. I believe that...so does this mean that I have a problem accepting love?

How can I love...or be loved, with so much fear?

I don't doubt love anymore...I doubt myself.