Last Day...but Grandma's in town!

Today was my last day with the kids for the summer. We decided to spend it at Water World, and it was wonderful.

All too soon the weather will change...the air will cool, the leaves will change...and I will be once again lost in winter...

So I am going to enjoy the warm weather while it lasts...

On another note, Grandma got into town today! I haven't seen her in so long--and I have missed her so! I always wish she would stay longer...

Week Ahead...

It's going to be a busy week...just to warn you. I have work, job interviews, camping....

So I am going to have to play catch up here. ;-)

Mountains...

by Biffy Clyro

Took a bite out of a mountain range,
Thought my teeth would break the mountain did.
Let's go, I want to go, all the way to the horizon.

I took a drink out of the ocean and,
I'm treading water there before I drown.
Let's dive, I want to dive to the bottom of the ocean.
I took a ride, I took a ride, I wouldn't go there without you.
Let's take a ride, we'll take a ride. I wouldn't leave here without you.

I am a mountain, I am the sea, you can't take that away from me.
I am a mountain, I am the sea, you can't take that away from me.

'Cause you tear us apart, with all the things you don't like.
You can't understand that I won't leave 'til we're finished here,
And then you'll find out where it all went wrong.

I wrote a note to the jungle and it wrote me back that I was never crowned king of the jungle, so
There's an end to my horizon.
I took a ride, I took a ride. I wouldn't go there without you.
Let's take a ride, we'll take a ride. I wouldn't leave here without you.

I am a mountain, I am the sea, you can't take that away from me.
I am a mountain, I am the sea.

'Cause you tear us apart, with all the things you don't like.
You can't understand that I won't leave 'til we're finished here,
And then you'll find out where it all went wrong.

Nothing lasts forever, except you and me. (You are my mountain, you are my sea.)
Love will last forever, between you and me. (You are my mountain, you are my sea.)

I am a mountain, I am the sea, you can't take that away from me.
I am a mountain, I am the sea.
I am a mountain, I am the sea.
_______________________

I love this song...I love singing along to this song. Although, I would say it's more like exhaling part of my soul than singing...it feels like a great release to yell some of these lines out at the top of my lungs.

There have been so many things in the last year or so that I thought would make me break...but it was those things that I withstood, and held out against. I have been broken, but not by the mountains. I have kept my head above water--at moments just barely. But I am still here, breathing.

I want to go...explore, adventure, go beyond my limits--or else how else will I know where they are?

There is part of this song that reminds me of my mother. I remember the day she left town after my parents got divorced. I was with my Grandmother, my younger brother, and my older half-brother. My brother and I were to stay with my Dad in Payson, but my older brother was leaving with my Mom. All day my older brother worried that my Mom was going to leave without him, so finally my Grandmother drove us around town to try and find my Mom. Eventually we found her, and while my older brother was close to tears she told him, "I would never leave without my little navigator!" It was a touching moment...but it wasn't years later until I realized that she left without my younger brother and I...

And then I think about my ex...he would tear us apart with all the things he didn't like...with life, with me...

The further I get away from my marriage, the more I seem to think that my ex didn't really like me. He may have loved me--because I was pretty, because I was there, because I took care of him--but I don't think he liked me. He was threatened by my intellect, frightened by my sense of adventure, scared by my curiosities and often told me I was "crazy" for all the things I wanted to do. He was unaware of the wedges and chasms he kept putting between us--simply because he didn't like change or new experiences..and yes, me. He couldn't understand that I wasn't going to leave until we were done--all done. I was in for the long haul, and he never believed me or understood it. He could never wrap his head (or heart) around unconditional love....I wasn't done...I wasn't going to be done...but he changed that. And now we get to sit and analyze where it all went wrong....

I am a mountain.
I am the sea.
I am stronger that I ever thought I could be.

No one can take that away from me.

If I have learned anything, it's that.

Rocky Roads....

Today was an amazingly fun day of driving and camping!

I can't help but think...comparing life to a road...

My Grandfather wrote a book called: It Took Many Rocks to Form my Road (or something close to that--it's still packed up...) And when i think about it...I don't mind all the rocks in the road...it makes life much more fun.

Imagine: driving down a completely smooth road...no bumps, nothing. BORING.

Now a road with some rocks and stones, dips and ridges....MUCH more fun!

Another Summer Day...

I got to spend today at Water World...out under the sun and in the water. And even though today I was very concerned with keeping my tattoo dry and out of the sun, I still had a wonderful time.

I know I will always wish that summer would last forever...

Happy Day...

Today was an absolutely wonderful day. I started the day with a job interview (which went very well, I think), then spent the majority of the day at the zoo with my brother and niece, and my beautiful friend and her little boy!

It was so wonderful to get to spend time with my niece--she has always been quite timid, so she never really talked or interacted with me very much. But yesterday she asked my brother if I could join them today at the zoo, and so I was super excited!

She talked to me all the time, and wanted me constantly by her side. She even wanted me to carry her and hold her hand...and I thought--this is why I want to live here. It is so much fun to listen to her talk about the animals and use her imagination--to see her still at that age where everything is possible...

It was extremely tiring--but I would do it again tomorrow! I am so happy that my niece wants to spend time with me!

I got to spend my evening celebrating...a new beginning. It was great to just be, and to find that someone loves me and knows me well enough to not bring me flowers...but to bring me a lightsaber instead. :-) Flowers will die, but lightsabers are forever.

It was a wonderful, wonderful day. My heart is full, my head is light...and I am exhausted, and ready for sleep.

On a side note, I am enjoying looking back to a year ago...to see how far I have come in the past 365 days. I did not write every day last year like I have this year, so I get very excited when I can compare today to exactly one year ago. And for today's comparison, one year ago I was feeling very Vindicated.

Now That I'm Free...

Paloma
by Carbon Leaf

Chase the high ground--where you'd rather be,
Where you might be found.
Face all aglow, to leave from here,
To pack up and go.
But it takes some time to get away,
And you will have to build from remains.
To run it takes the courage of a lamb,
To love, the fierceness of a storm.

Paloma you wonder if you'll miss the thunder,
Everyone's staring but no one is caring for you now.
Just spread your wings, latch onto the breeze,
Just take the leap...and you're free.

Chase the higher ground--where you'd rather be,
Where you might be found.
This move may erase the troubles in your head,
Or expose the absence of your soul.
And so, it takes some time to get away,
You will have to tear down what remains.
And I can't stand by for good byes,
So hold on to me, or lead the way.

Paloma you wonder if you'll miss the thunder,
Everyone's staring, but no one is caring for you now.
Just spread your wings, latch onto the breeze,
Just take the leap....and you're free.

Pace yourself when outrunning fear,
Take cover when it's dark,
And keep an even keel.
In your world you're only a phone away,
But in my world you're too far to feel.
And it may take some time to learn what's real,
You may have to beg and borrow,
And you will surely steal.
Remember all those lonely sessions
Turned into yesterday's lessons
To never forget love, to never forget love.

Paloma you wonder if you'll miss the thunder,
Everyone's staring, but no one is caring for you now.
Just spread your wings, latch onto the breeze,
Just take the leap...and you're free.

Paloma you wonder if you'll miss the thunder
Everyone's staring but no one is caring for...
Paloma you cry out, you beg for connection,
The dreams you seek are straight ahead in every direction...
Now you're free.
Now that you're, you're free.
Now that you're, you're free.
You're free.

Today I watched the greatest thing of all,
A flock of birds, preparing for the fall.
_____________________________________

I have listened to this song a lot over the past couple months as I prepared for my departure...so much of it has been running through my head.

I have been so excited to leave this place, to leave here. I knew I would have to build from scratch...but then I realized I was running away...and I needed to stand and face what was here for me.

I have been wanting to spread my wings...to fly....to be as fierce as a storm...to be free.

I thought that moving would make everything better--that it would erase all of my troubles. But once again I realized if I ran away, it would expose even more fear and doubt. I had to tear down all that was left, just so I could build new...but it was worth it.

I forgot about love. I was so drenched in the loneliness that I had come to know as my home, that I forgot to learn from lost love and move on. For some time, I dwelt in the fear--where I was comfortable. I felt eons away from everyone...and I know I pushed everyone away. But I needed time, and thankfully--that is what I got.

Then I opened my eyes, and my heart. And I realized that everything I wanted was right here. All of my dreams are waiting for me--all I have to do is run towards them, spread my wings, take the leap...

Today, is a pensive day. As it should be, I suppose. Today is the 4 year anniversary of my wedding day. Last year I was fortunate enough to spend the day surfing. Today I have spent the day with my children, cuddling and cooing. Tonight, I will celebrate by getting a tattoo of my own design. I am excited to have a permanent mark which will continually remind me of the many blessings in my life.

And although today could be a depressing day, I choose to continue to remember that I am no longer bound by hate, depression, doubt and fear. I will ride on the wings of hope and love....and wil continue to trust that they will get me to where I need to go.

I will spend today in smiles and laughter--today is a celebration....of what was, what is, and what is yet to come.

Amusements...

Today I got to spend the day at Elitch's with one of the kids. It turned out to be a really fun day--full of rollercoasters and laughter!

I was intrigued by the interesting population that surrounded me...and I was wondering how many other people were stopping to take a look at all that was around them.

But I guess the point of being there was to divert attention away...right?

Jobs...

Today I started the hunt for a new job...I haven't had to do this since, oh--about my sophomore year of college or so.

So I spent the afternoon driving all over, then came home and filled out more applications online (thank god for the internet).

I forgot how daunting this all can be...and how tiring.

But what do I want to do now? What kind of job should I be looking for? Where do I want to work?

I am not sure...of any of those things. I guess the answers will come in time.

Moving Day...

I have been counting down to today for almost 6 months. I have looked forward to this day as the next step in my journey...so why are my bags not packed?

I have had many steps in this journey--it all started in June 2009, when my brother graduated from UC Irvine. My family went out for his graduation, and I fell in love with California. I loved the beach, the sun, pretty much everything. So when I came back, and my friend said "I don't know why you don't just move there," it got me thinking. So after some thought--I decided, why not? I needed a new life--a fresh start. So I gave my notice at work, and started scheming.

I found one friend who was in a similar boat--she didn't know what to do since she had graduated, so I suggested she move to California with me. We could be roommates!! So I planned on that for a few months, really excited about what lay ahead.

Then my friend decided she needed to pursue her life elsewhere--which I completely support. She has had a quite a few twists and turns as well, and is now moving to NY because she was accepted into an internship at Juilliard. I am so very happy for her, and I look forward to seeing how her story unfolds!!

For a few months, I didn't know what to do. I considered moving to Tucson since I had no roommate for California, thought about moving solo, but kind of just waited to see what would unfold.

I had another dear friend who knew she wanted to move away from Colorado come August, but she also was unsure of where to go. So I set out to convince her that California was the place! We took a trip in February and had a blast! A couple weeks later she told me she had decided to move with me!! I was so excited!!

But once again, fate--or God or destiny, whatever you would like to call it--intervened. We both had slight doubts of where we wanted to go--just in the last month or two--and now my friend is moving to Seattle! I am super excited for her--she will be close to a part of her family she really enjoys, and she is super excited about her new adventure. I know she will do well--and again I look forward to seeing how her story unfolds.

So, mere weeks away from my moving day, I found myself with no roommate for California. I knew I couldn't live alone--it would be unaffordable--and living with a stranger was out of the question. If it were just me, that would be fine. But the thought of sharing a space with someone who did not love my cats as much as I do brought me much anxiety--I constantly worried that my babies would not be carefully guarded, and would escape out into the world and be lost from me...and that thought was more than heartbreaking.

So, I once again considered Tucson. And after a long conversation with my Dad, decided that Tucson was where I should go. I have always loved Tucson, but my main pull towards that lovely city was my Grandma. She and I are great friends, and I was looking forward to seeing her every day! So I called my Grandma, started looking for apartments, started browsing for jobs--all those fun things you get to do when you move!

The day after (literally..no exaggeration...) I decided to move to Tucson, my Dad sent me a text...informing me that Grandma was considering moving here, again. So, I was stuck--do I move and risk having the main reason I was moving there go away? Or do I stay put, since every time I try to make plans they fall apart?

I spent about a week thinking about it all. Why was I so desperate to move? Why did I have to move right now? What was I running to...or from?

In this week, I got to spend several morning with my niece. She is an absolutely adorable 4 year old with wide eyes and an adventuresome spirit. I started to remember some things...

I remembered when she was born...how much I wanted to be a part of her life.
I remembered how much I love being close to my family...how much I love stopping by for dinner, how much I love knowing that they are close.
I remembered how much I do love Colorado...the summers are perfect, the falls spectacular, the springs renewing...and the winters....barely tolerable. ;-)

And I thought about why I was so desperate to move...and I realized that I was wanting to run. I was running away from all the ghosts and demons held here...I didn't want to have to face them. I wanted to feel like I had a fresh start--a whole new life...and I didn't think I could find it here.

I realized that by running away from the ghosts, I was also running away from so much that was important to me. I knew if I moved, I would lose out on so much of my niece's life...and so much else.

But I have also been so blessed...with new friends, new places, new dreams. And I knew if I continued to run, I would lose out on these amazing friendships...and the "nephews" and "nieces" that I got to play "Auntie Lisa" to...

I have also been immensely blessed with a new love...one that I know would follow me all over the globe--and back again. But it all feels like a whole new life--a fresh start...right here.

I began to wonder if God, fate, destiny, the universe--was trying to tell me something. Every time I had a plan in place to move away, it slowly disintegrated to nothing. Was I supposed to keep pushing, like a flower pushing through the cracks of the cement? Or was I running the wrong way, driving the wrong way down a one way street?

After many sleepless nights and pensive days, I feel like I am meant to be right here for now. I don't know where I will end up--I don't know where I am going. But for now--I will continue my new saga right here in Colorado.

Thank you to everyone who has been so supportive through all of this, I don't know where I would be driving today if not for you!

Thank you Sophie and Emmy, for letting me briefly share adventures with you--I look forward to visits and many more adventures!

Thank you Brian and Austyn, for listening and supporting and for your amazing friendships. I hope that we all will get to share in many more adventures, and I hope that I can support you both as much as you have supported me. And of course, thank you for letting me share in little Liam's adventures!

Thank you Stacy for your ever-abounding love and friendship--who would have thought that we would still be friends after all these years!! Thank you for the journals, pictures and memories. You are truly an amazing woman, and I am blessed to know you!

Thanks Pooshie, for listening, even in the midst of your chaotic life. You always have taken the time to be there for me, even whilst planning your wedding. You are absolutely practically perfect Polly, and I am so happy to have met you--and so grateful that we are friends! You are wonderful, and I wish you all the happiness in the world in every day as you start your new life with your hubby.

Thanks Dad, for listening and guiding--for asking the hard questions and waiting for the answers so you could ask even harder questions--thank you for always supporting me, through every crazy adventure.

And of course...thank you Ryan. Thank you for taking a chance and hypothetically asking me out on a date. Thank you for putting up with my craziness and neurosis...constantly. Thank you for your never-ending patience and support. Thank you for caring enough that it didn't matter where I was moving...you still cared about me. Thank you for holding me when I didn't know how to ask for help, and for never pushing me to be anyone other than myself. Thank you for reminding me what it was like to dream with reckless abandonment--and thank you for supporting all of my dreams, no matter how wacky. Thank you for reminding me that there is beauty and love in every day...I love you.

And many thanks to my lovely babies, Sora and Kairi...who have tolerated a basement with one tiny window for months! Who have listened to me promise beaches and deserts--that we would soon be out of here...and who would still cuddle and love me every night and morning. My life would not be complete without you, my beautiful children.

I love you all!! Thank you so much for being a part of my journey, and for being so supportive as I start this new saga.

Side note: I am sorry Stacy--I know you were super excited--and I was too. But I will just have to make sure I get around to where you are every time I visit Grandma. And hopefully someday soon, we will once again live in the same state!