Many of Horror

by Biffy Clyro

You say, "I love you boy,"
I know you lie.
I trust you all the same,
I don't know why.

'Cause when my back is turned,
My bruises shine.
Our broken fairy tale,
So hard to hide.

I still believe,
It's you and me 'til the end of time.

When we collide we come together,
If we don't we'll always be apart.
I'll take a bruise I know you're worth it,
When you hit me, hit me hard.

Sitting in a wishing hole,
Hoping it stays dry.
Feet cast in solid stone,
I've got Gilligan's eyes.

I still believe,
It's you and me 'til the end of time.

When we collide we come together
If we don't we'll always be apart.
I'll take a bruise I know you're worth it.
When you hit me, hit me hard.

Cause you said Love,
Was letting us go against what
Our future is for,
Many of horror.
Our future is for,
Many of horror.

I still believe,
It's you and me 'til the end of time.

When we collide we come together
If we don't well always be apart.
I'll take a bruise I know you're worth it.
When you hit me, hit me hard.
_____________________________

I want to start with a couple points before I get into the meat of this post:

1) I love this song.

2) I heart Biffy Clyro. If you haven't listened to them yet, DO IT. Click here. You won't regret it.

3) This is the post I was talking about that I have been working on. It has spent a lot of time in my head, and I think that it has finally been processed enough to make it into the world. This is the post that I have spent a lot of time thinking about how personal to get in all of this...so I am going out on a limb and saying a lot more than usual. Maybe.

OK, now that's done...here we go.

I feel this song, much like I do Mountains. Singing this is like exhaling part of my soul...

I could go through this line by line, and explain how each line touches me. But what has been bouncing around in my head is the bigger picture...

When my back is turned,
My bruises shine.
Our broken fairy tale,
So hard to hide...

...When we collide we come together,
If we don't we'll always be apart.
I'll take a bruise I know you're worth it,
When you hit me, hit me hard.

I kept getting the bruises. I kept taking them because I believed that it was worth it all...I wanted to believe that I was not being hurt on purpose. I wanted to believe that the person who was supposed to love me most in the world didn't want to hurt me like that. For me, it wasn't difficult to hide--hide myself, the pain, the chasm between.

I think the part I identify most with is the last line...When you hit me, hit me hard.

And this is where I start to wonder exactly what to write....

Passion.

If someone loves you, hates you, feels anything strongly for you--there is Passion. And that passion creates an energy in anything they do towards you.

I was in a marriage where I still don't know why he did some of the things he did. It fell apart slowly...then evaporated when there was nothing left that could be salvaged. How?

It was like...a slow dripping faucet. One that you don't realize is dripping until the sink is plugged and all of a sudden there's a flood on the floor. It was barely noticeable...to him anyway. I felt the distance like the chasm of a canyon, widened by eons of flowing rivers...

The first evidence something was really wrong was when he put alcohol in my drink at dinner, and then lied to me about it...3 times. You all know how I feel about alcohol, so I felt drugged and betrayed. I asked him why he did it...he couldn't tell me why. I still think he honestly doesn't know why he did it. He also couldn't tell me why he lied about it...I begged for therapy. He refused.

A few months later, around Thanksgiving, things were not getting better. I can't remember what lead to it, but we spent one night talking very late--and sometime around 2 or so, he told me that he never trusted me...he never believed that I would stay with him. Despite our vows...despite me never having given him any reason to believe otherwise. I asked him how long he had felt that way...since the wedding? No response. Since the engagement? No response. Since the beginning? Still no response...he had never trusted me. He never believed a word I said....he never believed all of my actions that pointed toward the love and care I had for him. Everything I said or did, echoed thoughtlessly in his head...and bounced right out. He readily admitted that he had no reason not to trust me, not to believe me. He couldn't tell me why...

At this point, I left. I stayed with my parents for a few days...and demanded therapy. I went back after he agreed, and picked a therapist. We went to some sessions, and I honestly can't remember them very well...

The holidays were rough. We put on our facade for friends and family...but we slept in different beds, on different floors of the house. We even did a good job of hiding everything during a vacation with my family...no one knew...

We kept up with therapy, and kept trying...but it wasn't easy. And I was trying as hard as I could to keep at it...

But there is always the straw that breaks the camel's back. And that came the night of my birthday party, ironically. And here is as far as I can be detailed and personal in this post.

When someone who is supposed to love you lays their hands on you in a way that is not loving, it is hard to accept. But when there is even a lack of passion in that moment, it is heart-wrenching.

(I was not hit or beaten in this incident. Just to be clear, it's just a parallel that works well in this instance.)

If it was going to be over, I wanted to know that he felt something about me. Love, hate, fear...anything. But there seemed to be nothing. I packed a suitcase...he never tried to stop me. Every step I took away, he stood in place. When I finally turned away, he still did nothing.

I took the bruises, I thought he was worth it.
But he never did the same for me.

I just wanted to know that I was loved...
That what I had been and done mattered...
But in the end...
I guess it didn't.

Our future would have been for many of horror.