Anger...

I am angry.

Very angry.

So, here it goes...

Over the past year and a half, I have had to battle several rumors started by my ex. I have also had to battle the identity I left behind in my divorce.

I HATE being referred to as "Lisa ex-Murray." That is not who I am. It KILLS me every time I hear it, and it makes me angry too. When someone refers to me in such a manner, not only does it bring up painful memories, but it also feels as though I am being judged...and it feels kind of degrading.

I am not "ex." That is not who I am. I have grown into a new person--use my rightful name, please.

So, not very long after I left my ex--and by that, I mean about a day or two later, I found out that people were being told that I left him because I was a lesbian, and so I was leaving him for another woman. My ex was well aware of my sexual orientation, and I did NOT leave him for a woman. I left him because of what he did to me and the fact that I knew our marriage was beyond repair.

I have friends who get asked by mutual friends if I'm "a lesbian now" or "yet." This makes me extremely angry, because it just points to the fact that my ex has told lies about the facts of the end of our marriage, just so he wouldn't look like a bad guy. It also tells me that he still cannot accept responsibility for his actions.

I would like to say (perhaps a tiny bit in retaliation) that it was not I who made the rule that "anything with someone of the same sex didn't count." That "rule," was not requested by me...but I accepted it.

I am angry.

I have done my best to let my ex live his life, to do my best to help him move on. And every now and then--all too often though--I hear these stories that steal away bits of my new life...and it pisses me off, quite frankly.

So, I have decided it's time to call him on it. He needs to be accountable for the lies and deceptions he has passed on about me. If he wants to play ball, I'm ready to hit it out of the ballpark.

I wish I weren't so angry...but I know the underlying reason I am angry is that for the first time...finally, he has made me wish that I never married him. He has pushed so far that I wish I had never met him. He has stolen all that was good, and crushed it underfoot.

I know that all that I have been through has made me the person that I am, but nonetheless--there is definitely a part--a big part of me--that wishes I never even knew his name.

I am angry.

But I am ready to change that, and to do what I need to in order to let my anger pass. And all I can do is call him on his lies, and know that I will continue to dwell in the truth as best as I possibly can.

The truth shall set me free....